Recovering from the BPD-Break up in idealization phase

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone

Ive been reading so many posts on people who have been sucked into a relationship by a BPD. It really helped me so much to understand everything that happened in my relationship, it made me feel stronger and everyday I feel stronger. I try my best to not think of him but I can't hide that I WANT him to come back so I can feel that validation that I'm sure on some level we all do. I guess I still have about 80% of my confidence intact because he never got to belittle me and abuse me because we broke up before we were really in that hater phase.

My question is quite different and I don't think it has been addressed. What makes my situation different is that me and my BPD ex broke up DURING the idealization phase so I never really saw him paint me black but I did get to witness one of his anger outbursts and I was terrified to my very soul. I felt emotionally violated with the things he said and the whole madness and chaos of it all. I went home and could not talk for hours thinking what the hell just happened? I don't know what is worse. To break up once you've already been subjected to a lot of such abuse, or during the idealization phase. I know it is painful but I am struggling precisely because for me it was 90% ECSTATIC. AMAZING. And only 10% ABUSE.

My question is what happens to the BPD when they leave their non BPD during the idealization phase? Are there more chances of them fishing them out after a while since theyre not completely "done" with them?He never got to paint me black. I have not attempted any sort of contact since he broke up with me its been 3 weeks because I myself have abandonment issues and I promised myself I would never ever beg for a man to stay with me as I had done in the past. So I opened the door and let him go-even led him to the door I could say. He has not contacted me either but keeps putting up status's aimed at me. Lyrics of our favourite songs or just things that meant a lot to us which I find quite insulting to be honest. I thought our relationship was bigger than that. Putting up status's is to say the least very childish.

Anyway so my question is will he slowly start to feel the abandonment if I don't contact him at all and feel tempted to fish me out? Because I assume that he puts those status's up to feel like he still has me? Any opinions on why he does that would be greatly appreciated! And of any experiences of anyone who broke up with a BPD during idealization phase and how they dealt with it. The only way I have is to convince myself that the little snippets of that horrible monster that I saw once, would become more and more often until he destroyed me completely.

Sorry for the long post can't wait for your replies!

[Nala88]

Hi everyone

Ive been reading so many posts on people who have been sucked into a relationship by a BPD. It really helped me so much to understand everything that happened in my relationship, it made me feel stronger and everyday I feel stronger. I try my best to not think of him but I can't hide that I WANT him to come back so I can feel that validation that I'm sure on some level we all do. I guess I still have about 80% of my confidence intact because he never got to belittle me and abuse me because we broke up before we were really in that hater phase.

My question is quite different and I don't think it has been addressed. What makes my situation different is that me and my BPD ex broke up DURING the idealization phase so I never really saw him paint me black but I did get to witness one of his anger outbursts and I was terrified to my very soul. I felt emotionally violated with the things he said and the whole madness and chaos of it all. I went home and could not talk for hours thinking what the hell just happened? I don't know what is worse. To break up once you've already been subjected to a lot of such abuse, or during the idealization phase. I know it is painful but I am struggling precisely because for me it was 90% ECSTATIC. AMAZING. And only 10% ABUSE.

My question is what happens to the BPD when they leave their non BPD during the idealization phase? Are there more chances of them fishing them out after a while since theyre not completely "done" with them?He never got to paint me black. I have not attempted any sort of contact since he broke up with me its been 3 weeks because I myself have abandonment issues and I promised myself I would never ever beg for a man to stay with me as I had done in the past. So I opened the door and let him go-even led him to the door I could say. He has not contacted me either but keeps putting up status's aimed at me. Lyrics of our favourite songs or just things that meant a lot to us which I find quite insulting to be honest. I thought our relationship was bigger than that. Putting up status's is to say the least very childish.

Anyway so my question is will he slowly start to feel the abandonment if I don't contact him at all and feel tempted to fish me out? Because I assume that he puts those status's up to feel like he still has me? Any opinions on why he does that would be greatly appreciated! And of any experiences of anyone who broke up with a BPD during idealization phase and how they dealt with it. The only way I have is to convince myself that the little snippets of that horrible monster that I saw once, would become more and more often until he destroyed me completely.

Sorry for the long post can't wait for your replies!

[thatwasthat]

Hey Nala!

I see you are kind of torn in between.

Consider yourself lucky that you might not have been subjected to the entire madness. Nobody is immune to it.

If I was in your shoes I would use the opportunity to distance myself as far as possible.

You might think it is more difficult because you haven't suffered from the disorder when it is in full bloom, and that you could always jump ship should that happen... .but trust me, leaving won't be easier later than it is now.

It might very well be more difficult than it is now. And it will sure as hell leave you with even more pain, confusion and withdrawal.

[Nala88]

Hey thatwasthat!

Thank you for your reply.

You are absolutely right, I just need to keep reminding myself that. It was what I did after the first time of madness I thought I will give one more chance and if he does it again I am out. But it didn't happen as planned, he ended up leaving me in one of his impulsive shifting of values and priorities phase. They really are much more dangerous than we expect.

Nala

[patientandclear]

Hi Nala 

I do think that those who are left suddenly in the midst of the idealization period by someone with BPD have a particularly challenging path, because there's so little to work with to help us accept that what we lost was not wonderful.  It FELT wonderful, and then it was gone.  It's almost too much for one's mind to accommodate.

My ex never raged and we never had any manifested conflict until he left.  Over time I've come to see that it's likely he actually was not in the same state of constant bliss that I was -- before it ended I think he did have a number of scary reactions to things I said or did, times when he assumed I was going to leave him, times when he assumed I was going to take over his life.  He hung in there for a while despite his reactions, but eventually he couldn't.

But he was great at concealing those panicky moments from me, so when it all ended, it was like being hit over the head with a 2x4 completely out of the blue.

What helped me is that I learned from mutual friends about his long history of other relationships that ended identically.  From blissed out to just out, with lightening speed.  Over and over.

We had a large pool of co-workers and mutual friends so this information was immediately accessible to me.  Without it, honestly, it would have made it very hard to endure the sudden loss of something I experienced as utterly wonderful, for no apparent reason.

[emancipated]

I'm not sure what to say really. My ex cut off all contact very early in our relationship. She said it was because she was going through a funk or something. I should have seen that if she could do that early in the relationship she could do it just as easily later. After about 6 weeks I was very upset and called her from.my friends phone after she hasn't been answering my calls and although I didn't go off on her it was close ... .she said later it shook her out of her funk and hearing my voice made her feel better... She could have been trying to recycle an ex for all I know now. If you all split before things got bad and your sure u still want a relationship with him try some grandiose gesture or something . just keep in mind if u do get them back there's more pain on the horizon later please believe that

[Nala88]

Hey everyone again 

thank you so much for your replies!

I need help 

As I was nicely settling into my new life and the fog had lifted, I was enjoying myself and laughing with my close friends etc and feeling in control, he starts texting to see "how i am", saying and doing all sorts of sweet things to get me to respond and I did nothing.  Then to my surprise he calls. Twenty two times in 20 minutes. I got my friend to tell him I will call him back which calmed him down. Then the next day 5-10 calls for the next few days too. Then the texts again of please just one moment of your time etc. I finally just asked what do you want? To which he sent so many sweet texts saying how he started to draw a picture of me and he thinks of me and this and that. It did touch me and it did make me smile but now I feel violated. Like I want more but I know I shouldnt and I know he cant give more.

Please please how do I get myself out of this   To all his sweet texts that were sent one after the other I just said I dont know what to say. I really really don't know what to do.

After all of this i would like to share to whoever is reading this that I am NOT BPD but I do have quite a lot of traits. I have all the "psycho" impulses but I can control them, I don't act on them.The reason I am saying that is that I can completely understand what he is doing and that this is not about me being ever so beautiful but about him wanting his fix of me so he can feel that what I felt about him is still alive which . That yes, he can come and go whenever he wants which is something I have felt in the past but I haven't acted on it because its not fair on the other person.

Im trying to tell myself again and again how horrible things can turn out but because they never did except once, it is VERY VERY HARD. What is the best way to show that they lost you?Ignoring really did not work, I felt terrorised.