so desperate

[desperado13]

Below is the post i thought i put here a couple of days ago.  Today things are way worse.  She has refused to go to school or to eat and is angry and telling me i "will be sorry".  Feels like a threat to her life.  I've reached out to my therapist but can't reach her.  Ideas?  thanks

My adopted daughter (now 15 yrs.) was treated for nearly 2 yrs. at an RTC in NM (she was 11-12 yrs.).  She came home for 6 mo. and became so violent and ODD that i sent her to a TBS in OR for over 2 yrs.  In the midst of that placement i sent her to Menninger Clinic Adolescent Treatment Program for 5.5 wks. since they had a DBT program that i hoped might help her since she, more and more, fits the BPD profile.  Menninger allowed her to stay in bed with no exercise, little food, no DBT (she refused the groups) and then, brilliantly, diagnosed her as depressed.  When she returned to her TBS, she brought some bad behaviors she had learned at Menninger and was kicked out.  Both she and i want her to live at home, so i've had her home since May.  By keeping her in residential programs for 4 yrs., i was able to keep her safe from drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.  Here at home, she has become addicted to the Internet and involved in pro-ED groups.  She has developed an ED, has done some cutting, and is suicidal (this has been true on/off).  She is very oppositional and rude to me, and the stress of living with her (i'm a single mom with no other help) is nearly killing me.  I love her so deeply, yet i feel like i can't keep her safe her at home, and that scares me.  On the other hand, she has failed at 3 intensive residential treatment programs, and since she isn't motivated to work on getting better, i have no reason to hope that sending her to another residential program will help her.  The one thing i hope it would do is keep her safe for two more years (till 18).  If i have to send her away again, i fear it will be the final nail in the coffin of our relationship, as she always claims i "dump her" in these programs.  My main questions: 1) Are there any residential programs that are well-established and use DBT (trained by Behavioral Tech), mentalization, etc. to specifically treat teens with BPD?  2) I've come to believe that, unless my daughter, decides to use the help she's been given, she will not get better (you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink)-- do people agree?  3) Any other ideas?  thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello desperado13,

Welcome to the Parenting board!

You are facing a really tough situation with your daughter, I am so sorry, this must be frightening and so so sad... . 

We are here to listen and to support you the best we can as peers.

First things first: your daughter's immediate safety is the priority. Has your daughter attempted suicide before? Has she ever talked about how she would do it? It might give you clues and an opportunity to possibly remove the means (whether it's pills, sharp objects etc.)

If you believe she is acutely suicidal, the best thing is probably to take her to the ER. There is a really good workshop here on the site about how to deal with this issue: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts if you have a chance, please read it - I think you will find it helpful.

You are right that if your daughter doesn't cooperate, any help she is given may not work in the end. However, it may be that the RTCs she has been in did not offer the right help she needs. Searching for the right RTC and interviewing them is a difficult process and sometimes it's a matter of luck. We do have a sub-section dedicated to threads about RTCs among others, I encourage you to read through it: Archive: Hospitalization, RTCs, and IOPs. Please don't give up hope just yet, you may be able to find just what your daughter needs... .

We also have a brand new thread about an RTC today that sounds hopeful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237017.0

Keep posting, this is a safe and supportive place for weary parents.