Last straw rant / therapy then stay or go :(

[honeybadger]

I've reached the point where I am so exhausted by 4 yrs of my uBPDSO that I broke up with him last week. Straw that broke the camel's back in a nutshell, he was feeling anxious about attending an event in which he would be the center of attention. We had planned to make the 2-hour drive to the event & stay overnite. I had asked him ahead of time several times what time he needed me to leave work & said I could leave any time. When I showed up at agreed-upon time, he was anxious & triggered: he realized the time he told me was not enough to drive there in time. He was obviously angry at me because we did not leave earlier (so he would not have to face his own error in judgment). While driving, he could not decide whether to stay, go, cancel the hotel, stay at the hotel and was obviously upset. It was getting very tense and I was very uncomfortable--scared that yet another night would be ruined. I told him I was okay with whatever he decided but just wanted him to be at peace with his decision so it would not ruin our evening. Ha!

Then, while driving he said some outrageous things which I won't get into details about but they involved gaslighting me, criticizing me, ridiculing my hobbies, saying I've changed (well, I've started setting more boundaries, so that is true), saying I have no time for him when in fact, we don't live together and we only see each other 2x a week because that's what he wants. Again, in retrospect, it's like when my cat sees a bird out the window and she attacks the other cat because she can't get at it. Misdirected anger and aggression. He decided to cancel the hotel and not go to the event.

Then he went off and started the drama. He told me all that matters to me is my own schedule. That really hurt because first, it's not true. Our relationship revolves around his schedule. Plus, he was in the hospital for 6 weeks this spring (a procedure gone wrong) & literally almost died. And I went to the hospital every day so he wasn't alone after a full day at a busy job. Talk about changing schedules. I didn't expect gratitude or an award for it--I chose to do it--but I sure didn't expect ingratitude and contempt. I totally lost it and yelled. I even cursed him which I have never done before to anyone!I am happy to own my stuff & am forever apologizing.  Fact is, this time, I really wasn't even sorry. I felt provoked and in defense mode. I have never lost my cool to this extent. It was horrible. But again, after all of the lies and twisted logic he threw my way, coupled by the recent 3 week vacation I spent with him where he was miserable the whole time, and 4 years of this BS-- I had just had it.

I drove him home and told him I wanted to break up.

Then after I broke up with him –GET THIS -- he wrote & he could NEVER forgive himself for not attending the event, nor ME for not being "a better friend" and persuading him to make the drive. 1) it's not my responsibility. We adults make our own decisions. 2) HE rarely listens to my advice or anyone's anyway 3) A few weeks before, after a weather-related traffic mishap during a vacation, I was stuck in the car with him for 7.5 hours (no lie) listening to him cuss, rant, seethe anger & rave. There was nowhere for me to go. We were stuck on 2-way in the desert. So I just stayed quiet, & just tried not to make the situation worse. But that was one of the most stressful days of my life with him and I started to have flashbacks in the car.

So many "normal couple" outings we tried over the past 4 years resulted in this kind of drama. Usually when we plan to do something like this, there is a 75% chance it won't materialize and/or there will be drama. Which I am tired of. I want to be able to do normal things like taking weekend trips or going to events. But I have learned to live without. I've learned to live without affection because he doesn't like it. Yada yada yada

After back & forth emails, in which I said what I thought, wished him well... .he said he thought we could say our pieces & try to work things out. I kind of laughed bc he seemed to have such contempt for me. Why would he want to be with such a "bad friend?" This pattern has happened so many times. You suck. Don't leave me. I was not up for it.

I finally worked up the courage to set the boundary I wanted to set since the beginning. I said I'd only consider going back with him if he went to see a therapist with me and was committed to putting in the effort and work.

He said he was. He asked me to find the therapist. I wanted him to also participate, so I said I'd create a short list from which he can choose.

Right now, I feel ambivalent. Not optimistic. I've been talking to a therapist solo over the years and have been working on myself while he's still repeating the cycle of self hatred, devaluing me (and just about everyone he knows), being negative. He's very anti-therapist. Heck, he's anti everything.

I'm angry but I know he struggles with this demon, so I can't really place it on him. (Or can I?) I'm also angry with myself for putting up with all of this for so long. I am so exhausted by walking on eggshells all these years and by swallowing so much blame that was not mine to swallow. He has great qualities--which is why I fell in love with him. But I haven't seen them in a very long time.

Anyone have any advice? I'm really struggling right now. Thank you for listening to my rant

[maxen]

hi honeybadger. 

first, i'm so sorry for your situation. you've suffered through a lot of horrible treatment. i recognize much of what you talk about: our SO's accusations and needs, our forever apologizing. you say you've suggested couples therapy, and it sounds like that hasn't started yet. do you think too much has happened for that to be effective? has he indicated any awareness of his behavior patterns?

you've been in individual therapy, and that's great. you'll want to continue that during this time. have you worked through the lessons on the right hand side of this page, "Choosing a Path"? it's quite thorough.

do you have mutual friends or personal friends who know what's up? have they offered any observations?

[honeybadger]

Maxen, thanks so much for your response. Yes, I've done the lessons but it's time for a refresher.

My friends are mixed. While none tell me what to do, a few groan in disapproval while others lighten up and think it's progress. One friend did liken him to Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown, only to pull it away.

On the whole, he does not have much awareness of his behavior and how it can drain those around him. He confuses his behavior with his personality, saying things like "I thought I finally found someone who accepted me the way I am." BUT he has had his moments of realization, where he has genuinely seen himself clearly and has sincerely apologized and made changes. He has a kind heart and can do wonderful things. I know he is deeply wounded. He had the worst childhood of anyone I know. I've often wondered if he has PTSD. He is SUPER sensitive to any change in emotion. He can be depressed and stressed 90% of the time but when I am, as I have been for the past month, it's the end of the world and I'm the one with the problem. He has improved somewhat on his own, but when he gets dysregulated, it is awful.

For me, personally, I am not sure I'll be able to get past some of the things he said this time. I can forgive but he would have to apologize and "own" his stuff.

I just feel so "icky" and confused. The old me would have happily researched therapists. Now I'm doing it grundgingly.

[maxen]

so honeybadger, do you think you can foresee a relationship in which you don't get a (perfectly reasonable, it sounds like) level of support? i know of a r/s in which the emotional support all goes one way (my wife's parents' marriage) and still is secure. but that's the only one. because behavior patterns are hard to change for anybody, and especially for a pwBPD.

yet your bf has made changes. can he make more changes?

I can forgive but he would have to apologize and "own" his stuff.

for a person with BPD that's a tall order.

i don't want to advocate one way or another, of course. i do know that my wife expected an endless river of support and didn't seem to think it was her responsibility to give back to anywhere near the same extent (she's an awful martyr). i lived with it but couldn't forget it or really, genuinely forgive it.