Am I stuck with his family forever?

[Indyan]

When I look at our/my life, it looks indeed like a devastated battleground  :'(

For the ones who don't know my story, BPD has been staying with his parents since July (with 3 exceptions in August, September and last week, when he stayed for a few days here).

I've been utterly betrayed by every member of his FOO, consisting of his parents and his 2 sisters.

I won't go into detail, but they've chosen to believe his paranoia and to reject me totally. When he blew a fuse in July, his little sister took the place of the ambulance I might say and he left with her in an almost suicidal state. When I called for news on his phone, she answered that "our r/s was over"... .etc... .

Of course they provided NO support whatsoever toward me and the kids for being left alone in a difficult emotional and financial situation.

They mainly encouraged (and still do I believe) his paranoia by telling him to see a lawyer behind my back in July, telling him to break up with me etc.

I called his big sister 2 weeks ago as a last resort, to let her know about my T's pre-diagnosis (Schizophrenia, needing treatment urgently according to him). She told me terrible things, she was very rude and agressive. Then she phoned the T to tell him that her brother was "not crazy" and that I was a terrible mother   

BPD forced me to see them these last months. In the beginning, right after he went berserk, he imposed on me that a member of his family be present when he came to see our baby. And for the last 2 months, his father has been driving him every weekend to come and see baby. BPD doesn't drive, and his parents live 1 hour drive from here, so his dad stayed the whole afternoon at my house (which BPD still considers his, although I'm now paying for the rent).

I tried to tell him I didn't want to see his family anymore, to even refuse to be here if he showed up with his father etc. It didn't work for long. He showed up last week (invited himself for 4 days out of the blue!), and said "my dad has the right to see his grandson"... .

I'm sick and tired of all this, and although he's told me he's about to rent an appartment nearby (so no more dad around?), the perspective of having contact with these horrible people all my life freaks me out.

All this to say that I feel extremely resentful to them, and that I wish to cut them off.

But they are my son's grandparents and aunts... .

How can I deal with this? I'm desperate, I feel trapped  :'(

[peiper]

I'm sorry your going through this. To make a long story short, your only as trapped as you let yourself be. We can't live in the problem.  We have to live in the solution.

[Samuel S.]

Considering the chaos that his family inflicts upon you and considering how they wish to see their grandson, I would suggest the following. They could come by to pick him up and to spend whatever amount of time you mutually agree upon. Otherwise, perhaps, you could suggest meeting somewhere like at a park or at a restaurant so that they can visit. If your son is too young and needs your assistance, it is of course a good idea for you to stay around to take care of his needs.

As for the chaos itself, the less you have to deal with them, the better off you will be.

[Indyan]

Samuel, I've done this: letting them spend time with baby etc.

But I just can't cope with seeing them anymore. I just can't see them anymore.

All this has to stop, it's driving ME crazy!

[Indyan]

I'm sorry your going through this. To make a long story short, your only as trapped as you let yourself be. We can't live in the problem.  We have to live in the solution.

What do you mean?

[Perdita]

Indyan, I am sorry that you are going through all this.    It is very frustrating when you know the real story, but end up being made out the bad guy because of others denial.  That is exactly what it is : denial.  They don't want to accept that there is a problem with him. I would guess that it is in part because they feel they would somehow be tainted by it and in part because if they deny what is going on then they won't have to deal with the truth and be willing to make the hard decisions that go with it.

BTW, I find it irritating to read that they are so interested in their grandchild yet they haven't helped out financially.

You say that you are left to pay the rent yourself since he has left.  Yet he still considers it his place.  Is it possible for you to move out?  I mean, what is there for you to lose considering that you are left to struggle with the payments on your own anyway?  If you move out then he won't have any claim to your new place and neither will the family.  Of course, they will still be able to see your child but at least then you will be able to keep them from actually setting foot in your new home.  I think that is about it as far as cutting them out of your life as much as possible.  He did say that he will be getting an apartment of his own.  They can all stay there.  Be very very cautious about allowing him to stay over or move into your new place should you get one.  Otherwise you will be bcak where you are now. 

I hope he gets the help he needs.  Right now he is feeding off his family's devotion to him, but I suspect that eventually that will blow up in their faces. In act, I am pretty sure it will.  It's just a matter of when.

[Indyan]

Thanks Perdita 

Yes, I do hope all this will blow up in their faces, he and they don't deserve less.

About the house... .it's complicated. Until I get a job I can't move out. I've applied for council estate, but it may take months.

[Perdita]

Maybe you can find a good housemate to help with the rent once you do move out which I hope will be sooner than you think and into a lovely new home.

[peiper]

I'm sorry your going through this. To make a long story short, your only as trapped as you let yourself be. We can't live in the problem.  We have to live in the solution.

What do you mean?

That maybe you should detach from the pain.

[peiper]

In my case I stayed way too long with the hope it would get better. It didn't and it just caused more pain. Had I the chance to do it over the first time she split I should have closed the door and locked it.

[Perdita]

Indyan, do you have a family member or good friend that is there with you when all these people blow into town and make your stress levels hit the ceiling?  It sounds like they are all ganging up on you, but who's got your back?  

[Indyan]

That maybe you should detach from the pain.

And my kid?

[peiper]

That maybe you should detach from the pain.

And my kid?

And your kid?  What kind of life will your child have growing up with living in that environment.

[Indyan]

And your kid?  What kind of life will your child have growing up with living in that environment.

I know that, thanks for reminding me... .

I have a couple of friends here, but my family lives far.

I just phoned my ex (my D10's father), I was in tears. He panicked when I told him in what distress I am, and he's of course very worried about our daughter. He lives nearby, but works late and can't take her home.

Poor kid, she was the one trying to cheer me up tonight after I received a horrible mail from crazyman.  :'(

[macgirl75]

Sadly, when you have children with someone, you are a part of their life and they of yours, forever. And the same with the family to some extent. However... .you can limit the amount you have to be involved with them, especially when kids are little.

I'm not sure what is offered in your area, but I know that generally there are agencies that assist with "access exchange". You drop your child/children off and 10 minutes later, the other parent/family comes to pick the child/children up. You can start what is called a "communication book" in which you write down feeding schedules, nap times, any illnesses or information about the child/children. Keep it strictly to that information.

This will help mitigate issues with the family if you don't want to see them. Just be prepared for when there are school events, plays, graduations etc. That's why you'll be thankful that these events are generally well attended and you can sit on the other side.

Also remember that talking about the other in front of children is VERY bad for them. If he or the family does this, is seek the advice of a lawyer about limiting access or moving it to bring professionally supervised. It would cost but it saves your child/children a lot of emotional issues themselves.

It's a well documented correlation between BPD and childhood abuse. No one wants the next generation to end up with a PD either.

You ARE a good mom no matter what the in laws say. He comes from a family who is blind to his mental health issues and who have been making excuses for him for years. They are used to protecting him from perceived threats and are oblivious to his "splitting". While it's hard you have to not care what they think. It's only harmful to you and your self esteem

Best of luck... .it's a hard road but there is hope.

[Indyan]

Thanks Macgirl

I looked for a neutral place for him to see his child, but none is available without court order.

So, for the moment I'm stuck, because I'm not sure yet about what to ask with my lawyer. If he's entitled to take baby a full week-end, that will freak me out  :'(