what is in it for you?

[SickofMe]

I am currently considering reconciling (I refuse to use "recycle" at this point  ) with my BF who demonstrates a lot of "traits" of some sort of Cluster B thing.

I love him, but it has been from a distance for several months and my feelings have reorganized themselves since I realized what he is capable of doing to me (stonewalling, ST, painted black--although he denies this was his process and claims he was scared of my behavior and was "running and hiding," which is a big part of the dysfunctional part of his personality--avoidance).

When he is good, he is very, very good.  So affectionate, sweet, attentive... .and mostly a very engaging, intelligent, witty guy who is fun to be around.  A LOT of fun, we laugh constantly and it really feels like a connection.  I know that his personality is *his* and not a mirror, bc he was the same before, during, and after our b/u.

What I'm wondering is--is it worth it to have a r/s where you have to be careful not to step on land mines?  I'm talking about walking on eggshells.  Some topics are off limits bc at the moment his skin might be very thin.  Sometimes, anything's game as far as conversational topics, but other times, the same topics can send him into withdraw mode as he is quite sensitive and tends to curl up and lick his wounds.  The thing is--he licks them for too long and infects them.

I think I have poor boundaries sometimes as far as this goes.  I get wound up and kinda overexcited and start spouting off things that are obviously hurtful (even if couched as humor) instead of thinking before I speak.  I'm not talking about verbal abuse.  I'm talking about making jokes about sensitive topics... .thinking we are connecting (it works, sometimes, and it's his style, too--we are both irreverent types).

I would need to work on this tendency of mine in any r/s.

I seem to have gone off topic but my real question is--what is in the relationship for YOU?  Why do you stay, or consider staying?

[Perdita]

When he is good, he is very, very good.  So affectionate, sweet, attentive... .and mostly a very engaging, intelligent, witty guy who is fun to be around.  A LOT of fun, we laugh constantly and it really feels like a connection.  I know that his personality is *his* and not a mirror, bc he was the same before, during, and after our b/u.

^^ This is why I have stayed as long as I have.  Also, because I think that if I can just get him to let go of certain toxic people in his life then we might still have a chance.  However, it has been 5 days since I've spoken to him and I don't know if I will bother to patch things up once again.  The same problem keeps rearing its head over and over again and I don't see things ever changing.

[SickofMe]

Also, because I think that if I can just get him to let go of certain toxic people in his life then we might still have a chance.

WOW, I so relate to this.  I feel like about 75% of my r/s problems with my BF are due to his horrible boundaries with his ex wife, with whom he co-parents.  That is such a tricky situation!  He can't let her go and allows her to verbally berate him and use him... .but he has no choice but to interact with her since they co-parent and have 50/50 custody.  I feel like he reacts to ME as if I were HER, but I'm nothing like her and tend way more to codependence than entitlement.

The same problem keeps rearing its head over and over again and I don't see things ever changing.

I know how this feels... .after awhile you just start feeling like what is the point?  I refuse to believe that people can't change.  I just don't really understand if they have to change the behavior first (fake it till you make it) or the inside first.  I guess those are very different approaches.  For my BF, I feel like "all he needs to do" is draw boundaries with the ex but I think that is a very tall order when they have been together for so long (20+ years).

[honeybadger]

I can relate to ALL of this.

And now I am left facing this question which led me to seriously breaking up with my BF. He wanted to get back and I said I would only do so if we went to therapy to learn to communicate & be a better couple.

What's in it for me? I need to be brutally honest. Not much, lately. I had been a codependent caretaker, so when I was in the throes of it, what I got out of it was pretty obvious. But I don't want this role anymore. All he does now is blame me for things & act with resentment, not love. It borders on manipulation--and I only hesitate to call it that bc I really don't think he can help himself (which still doesn't mean I should put up with it.) In fact, I wonder if my breaking up with him triggered his fear of losing someone to blame more than losing someone who loves him.

When he is not triggered... .when he is in the moment ... .he is perfection. A fabulous person. But this has gotten so far out of whack that my needs have become totally squelched.

I just want a normal relationship--go out to dinner, live together one day, go on vacation, some affection, some sex, intimacy, trust. The fact that I have given up so much, have swallowed so much blame, have twisted myself into a pretzel, is truly pathetic.

Also, because I think that if I can just get him to let go of certain toxic people in his life then we might still have a chance.

To that I say, I can relate. Some of it is the same with my BF. But it is not our job or our stuff. If you think it is, if you think "if only... .," you may want to read about codependency.