Should I contact my daughter?

[mkmomto2]

Hi all,

I have been reading for the past several days on here and I think I'm doing it wrong.  My 20 year old daughter who has not had a formal diagnosis, but I believe has a personality disorder of some sort after all my reading, has been gone for three weeks.  This is the third time she has run away.  She tends to move in with her boyfriends and their families when she leaves.  The past two times, I have kept in contact with her and begged her to come home and eventually she has.  This time, initially I contacted her and expressed my worry, but then I thought that maybe I should stop and let her initiate the contact when she is ready.  So, for the past two weeks, I have had no contact.   Now, after reading, I am not sure that was the right decision.  Please, any advice?  Should I contact her or just wait? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello mkmomto2, 

First, I want to put your mind at ease and say that there is no one correct way to do all this. Also, every child is different and what may work for some, may not work for others... .

You know your daughter the best and so will be able to get a feel for and learn what is best in your particular situation.

That being said, I think that you contacting her in the beginning and expressing your worry was much better than leaving her hanging without any contact, so: 

In general, it is probably best to let her do this in her own terms since she is an adult, however:

This time, initially I contacted her and expressed my worry, but then I thought that maybe I should stop and let her initiate the contact when she is ready. So, for the past two weeks, I have had no contact. Now, after reading, I am not sure that was the right decision.

Can you tell us a bit more about what in particular made you doubt your approach?

What are your main concerns?

[llbee814]

Hello mom!  Right or wrong, I don't know.  Personally,  for me,  when dd had run I always tried to contact her in hope of hearing she was safe.  That was as good as it got as far as making me feel better. 

I did find that trying to find out where she was did not help with our communication.  Taking in my own experience, I would say that you need to do what makes you feel the most comfortable.

Basically, if you feel better about the situation reaching out,  then you should do it.  Others may disagree, but I feel that it is better to feel we have done all that we can than to wonder and second guess if we hadn't.   Hope that makes sense.  I wish you the best!   

[lever.]

Hellomkmomto2

I have been in this situation.

What worked best for me was to reach out but without pressure for a response-letting her know I cared but not begging her to come back.

Perhaps something like "thinking of you and hope you're okay -I'm here if you need anything-or just a chat,Mom"

You know your own daughter though.

It isn't easy to get it right-if you don't reach out it can be seen as you not caring but if you put pressure on it can be seen as manipulation.

In most cases contact does resume fairly soon. Having reached out makes it easier for them to back down so usually I would suggest making contact. (Knowing you may initially get an upsetting response.)

[mkmomto2]

Pessim-After reading, the abandonment that is a common feeling for pwBPD made me think that I need to keep trying so she knows we haven't abandoned her. That is what made me question what we are doing.

Llbee- I have been monitoring her social media postings and have driven by the house that she has been staying in to see if her car is there. That has been my way of checking to make sure she is ok. It's not enough though, but if it was better for her, I'd be willing to try.

Lever-I am tempted to reach out just like that, but fear that if I ask her if she needs anything, she'll ask for money. She's completely dependent on her "new" family now. I know that sounds like semantics but she twists my words around and I have to be really careful about how I say anything to her. It sounds silly, but I'm almost afraid to contact her and say the wrong thing but am so wanting to reach our it hurts not to. I know that sounds crazy.

[lever.]

It doesn't sound crazy to me-its exactly how I have felt in the same circumstances.

Perhaps change the wording  slightly and take out "If you need anything".

There is a really good chapter in Valerie Porr's book about mending relationships if they have badly broken down. However I do wonder if your daughter will be back in touch quite soon-perhaps things won't work out so well with the boyfriend's family over time.

[mkmomto2]

Lever-I'm going to have to look for that book.  I'm trying to read all I can on this, but some of the material doesn't seem very helpful.  It's nice to have recommendations.  Her welcome has been worn out the past two times that she has done this, but both times I had contacted the boyfriend or his family and initiated the return to home through them.  It was not validating her as an adult now realize, so I'm trying to do things differently this time... .I just wonder if she will try to find somewhere else to go (she forms relationships very quickly) if I don't ask her to come home.  I'm so confused about everything.  It seems like one little misstep and she could be gone forever. 

[lever.]

I agree with not contacting anyone behind her back.

On one occasion my DD attached herself to another family. I knew the mother in the family, she was nearer to my age than my daughters.

I talked to this lady about my concerns. My DD later found out about this and has never properly forgiven me. I think she imagines that I said a lot of nasty things about her. I actually didn't-I just said that I was concerned and that if things got difficult I was willing to help.

This is about 10 years ago now-I have tried to apologize and told my DD that it was an error of judgement -but she feels she can't trust me.

I acted the way I did because my DD was quite ill at the time.

I have learned that it is best never to triangulate and to deal with my DD directly.

This is just my experience.

The Valerie Porr book is very good-it has helped me a lot.

There is a lot in it and it isn't an easy read but you can keep going back to the relevant chapters.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello again mkmomto2,

so I'm trying to do things differently this time... .I just wonder if she will try to find somewhere else to go (she forms relationships very quickly) if I don't ask her to come home.  I'm so confused about everything.  It seems like one little misstep and she could be gone forever. 

Take some deep breaths and do something calming for yourself... .In times like these it can feel like what you describe - one little misstep and it's over - but the good news is that with BPD things often change and they change unpredictably, which in this case works for you rather than against you. This usually offers us lots of opportunities for do-overs even if we make a mistake.

You have gotten excellent advice so far, I believe you'll figure out the right balance between not "abandoning" your dd and not "smothering" her either - those are the two opposing fears that people w/BPD struggle with - the fear of abandonment juxtaposed with fear of engulfment, which both fuel the "push-pull" behavior patterns we get to see.

[mkmomto2]

Thank you everyone.

I like what you said about finding the balance between "abandoning" and "smothering" as well, pessim.  I never thought of it that way, but that's exactly what I'm trying to do.  She seems to want the reaching out, but then often resents it as well.

Thank you for relaying your experiences and putting a name to what I was doing "triangulating" lever.  I am going to order that book and try to read it. 

I made the decision to reach out, but only with "been thinking about you.  hope you are doing alright"  I hope that is innocuous enough not to incite anything.  I'm not delving for information, but letting her know I care about her.

I really appreciate all of the advice I've gotten from these pages.  You are a special group. 

[mkmomto2]

Well, I contacted her Wednesday evening, she read it Thursday morning and has not replied.  My sister has also contacted her (I didn't know she was doing this) and receives a reply "I'm fine."   A friend of my daughter's contacted me yesterday and told me that she lent my daughter money and she is now refusing contact. She expressed concern over my daughter's situation, feeling that the guy she is living with is very controlling and is probably monitoring her messages.  She also told me that he used to do heroin and she doesn't know if he has stopped.  This is all my daughter needs on top of everything else. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

As hard as it must be, I would take her silence as a polite no. It doesn't look like she is ready or desperate enough to reply just yet... .It is so difficult to watch them continuously make poor choices, isn't it? 

In a way, since your sister got a reply, it looks like your dd is able to at least message when she chooses to, and if she really needed to text you, she could always delete the messages.

She also told me that he used to do heroin and she doesn't know if he has stopped.  This is all my daughter needs on top of everything else.

Yikes. That must add a lot to your worry... .

[Daedalus]

Hi, there    I just posted about my concerns for my daughter that are similar to yours. My daughter is 18 and I got a text from her today, after not hearing from her for over two weeks, and I havn't seen her in a month.  I am glad you posted and are reaching out- it helps all of us    If you read about my situation you will quickly see how much I do understand how you feel. I found actually had to disallow my daughter to come home, which was before I even knew what BPD was     I felt awful worrying about abandonment pains for her, but the truth is that my son and I couldn't take another day of life as it was in our house.  I was exhausted and was so shocked at how relieved I was when she was gone. I didn't like that, either. I felt so guilty, but I allowed myself to sleep without worrying. I allowed myself to get mad at how she had been treating us. I just faced a lot of the crap that I had just tolerated for years- trying to be a GOOD mom. I learned about BPD shortly after she left and since then I have taken advice from this site, my therapist, and from my own instincts.  None of which have agreed from day one! The best advice I can give you, is to let her go and be an adult for awhile.  Do not look upon her as a defective girl who is incapable of making mistakes that she can recover from.  We are the mothers of bright young ladies, who know they are loved. Our reminding them endlessly is more to make ourselves feel better, than to actually update them, ya know? they know this by now. As much as they don't seem to show it, they do love us as well. We have to use what "lever" says- Radical Acceptance of their illness. Mental illness is not rational and not consistent.  we cant feel rejected when they dont respond, we must trust that somewhere in their heart, they always know we love them We have been working on that since they were born, right? You taught her good things. Now she needs to use what she knows. She may fall flat on her face, but she can learn to pick herself up. She may surprise you and manage to do it just fine. But, no one likes to feel as if no one has any faith in them and that they are just a hassle for their family to monitor.  I believe my daughter feels this way a lot. The more I talked to her about how much I am willing to help, sacrifice, or accept... the more she withdrew & felt like she didn't deserve so much from me. BPD !  UGH! it is painful & confusing   and have no idea if I am helping her, but what I do know is that I dont regret not letting her come back home- my son needed my protection & i realized I did to. I also learned how much mental energy I was able to focus on myself, which I hadn't really ever known how to do.  I decided to learn all I could about BPD and just try like never before to be good to MYSELF. That is so difficult for me ! I am bad at that... .  I struggle to look after me first, and kids next. They are better off when MOM is all put-together and thriving  We need to give ouselves permission to let them be, and to enjoy OUR lives. That way, when they need help we are strong; and also they can keep looking to us to see how its done!