How do you get the BPD to end the relationship if you can't?

[michel71]

Sometimes I post on this board and sometimes on the leaving. Honestly, I don't have the guts to leave. Our relationship is bad and getting worse. I am unhappy. My uBPDw is unhappy.

Have any of you been left by your BPD without a recycle?

I am looking for serious answers here if you please.

[vortex of confusion]

Have you read any of the lessons here or on the staying board? I read them when I first joined and they helped me put the breaks on some things. I am trying to set boundaries and be more honest with myself about how I feel about my husband and our relationship. I am also trying to slowly work on myself by doing things like getting a second job and my own bank account.

Yes, I am still with him but I am still trying to take baby steps. In all honesty, I don't think my husband will ever leave no matter what I do. If I am honest with myself while taking inventory, I have done some crappy things hoping that it will make him mad enough to leave or do something. I know he isn't happy either but he doesn't seem to care. He seems content to let things ride as they are.

If you can't find it in you to leave, then at least try to work on keeping things from getting worse. Over in the ride hand side, there is a link called "Stop the bleeding" which will give you some tips on diffusing the conflict.

It isn't easy especially when you want out the worst way but have no idea how to actually do it. I am not worried about recycling as much as I am worried about how to get myself in a better head space.

[michel71]

Have you read any of the lessons here or on the staying board? I read them when I first joined and they helped me put the breaks on some things. I am trying to set boundaries and be more honest with myself about how I feel about my husband and our relationship. I am also trying to slowly work on myself by doing things like getting a second job and my own bank account.

Yes, I am still with him but I am still trying to take baby steps. In all honesty, I don't think my husband will ever leave no matter what I do. If I am honest with myself while taking inventory, I have done some crappy things hoping that it will make him mad enough to leave or do something. I know he isn't happy either but he doesn't seem to care. He seems content to let things ride as they are.

If you can't find it in you to leave, then at least try to work on keeping things from getting worse. Over in the ride hand side, there is a link called "Stop the bleeding" which will give you some tips on diffusing the conflict.

It isn't easy especially when you want out the worst way but have no idea how to actually do it. I am not worried about recycling as much as I am worried about how to get myself in a better head space.

Yes Vortex. I am trying to get through many of them. I find that when the chips are down, it's hard to put them into play. I write this out of desperation tonight. We got into a fight yet again. She is leaving tomorrow for a week. Of all nights I most certainly didn't want things to escalate. I wasn't feeling well and got a bit grumpy when she asked me to do something for her... .something she could easily do herself. She could see that I was not feeling well, but didn't care. I voiced my objection to that. She immediately became a 4 year old and disregulated. Twice I tried to hug her and apologize. She just kept going ape poop.

[vortex of confusion]

Yes Vortex. I am trying to get through many of them. I find that when the chips are down, it's hard to put them into play. I write this out of desperation tonight. We got into a fight yet again. She is leaving tomorrow for a week. Of all nights I most certainly didn't want things to escalate. I wasn't feeling well and got a bit grumpy when she asked me to do something for her... .something she could easily do herself. She could see that I was not feeling well, but didn't care. I voiced my objection to that. She immediately became a 4 year old and disregulated. Twice I tried to hug her and apologize. She just kept going ape poop.

Trying to read through the lessons and practice some of the stuff is overwhelming all by itself. My head is still swimming with all of the information. When I am tired and stressed or grumpy, it seems that all of the stuff from the lessons goes right out the window anyway.

Hang in there! She will be gone for a week so you can relax a little.

[empathic]

I don't think my wife would be able to leave me, as things are right now.

Just from a practical standpoint there are many things she can't do by herself, and she knows it. Things around the house, getting the kids to go to sleep, etc.

I think she also knows that she'd have a hard time finding someone else that would accept her high demands. A normal evening she has several requests ranging from helping her with paperwork to get things for her from our storage loft. During our time together, I hardly ever have asked her to do anything for me. Not a good thing most probably, because it has enabled this one-sided situation.

[ziniztar]

Why would you want to place your own happiness, into the hands of someone else?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey michel71, How do you see things playing out if you stay?  What is it that makes you afraid to leave?  Sometimes postponing the pain only makes it that much worse down the line.  I have been in your shoes, my friend, and understand that it's possible to be so depleted from a BPD r/s that one lacks the strength to move on.  Yet you have to find the strength, if that's your situation.  LuckyJim

[harbour]

Sometimes I post on this board and sometimes on the leaving. Honestly, I don't have the guts to leave. Our relationship is bad and getting worse. I am unhappy. My uBPDw is unhappy.

I'm unhappy and want to leave after 8 months with him. We haven't split up before. Can not take this roller-coaster any longer. It has escalated for the last 2 weeks. He doesn't know that I am unhappy. Right now I am trying to build up the courage to leave him. I have spent most of my time for the last week or so on this board. Deep down I know that I have to break up with him, if I don't want to be destroyed and ruin the rest of my life. I ask myself again and again what keeps me from leaving him, to be aware and stay aware. I read and reread the stories and the guidance and the tools here. That I need to do all that to get the guts (maybe) to be able to do what I know I have to do says it all.