Are pwBPD bad communicators? If so, how can it be fixed?

[Craydar]

I always had a hard time communicating with my uxBPDgf. Is this a common trait with BPD, and if so, how can it be improved?

[maxen]

hi Craydar.

i can only speak about my stbxw, but she couldn't communicate. that's putting it mildly. she never initiated emotional discussion, and only said anything that was on her mind, however off topic, if i raised an issue of my own. in fact she declared once that a couple should never have any comments about each other, and accept every single thing exactly as it was. i was flabbergasted.

i think that being open to communication was threatening to her because any really open conversation could go in any direction and reach any depth, and what if i was put off by what i heard and left? or she might have to face her neediness and merely examining it was too painful in itself? she was dishonest about irrelevant things any number of times, and she clearly felt that she would have been judged by me if she had been honest, which is preposterous, but for her "judgement" included having a differing opinion.

of course it's different for different people. what was difficult about communcating with your gf?

[Craydar]

Hi Maxen,

My uxBPDgf admitted to being a bad communicator. She never wanted to discuss the relationship or my feelings. She would quickly skirt the topics and get back to herself. When talking about her issues, she would always say how pissed off she was and rant on about the other person's faults... .sometimes projecting her own issues onto them. It was her ex's Narcissism, and her daughters abandonment issues.

[vortex of confusion]

I know I have a difficult time communicating with my husband. Sometimes I wonder if I am the problem because there are times when it feels like I am speaking in another language.

I have the same problem as maxen. He will say whatever pops into his head whether it is relevant or not. The other problem is that he will interrupt the minute something pops into his head.

In his 12 step meetings, there is a rule about no cross talk. We have tried to implement that but it seems that he will get upset if I interrupt him but if he interrupts me and I say something he gets defensive.

You can try some of the communication techniques that you can find here on the different boards. Those techniques help reduce the conflict and stop some of the weird talking in circles. However, the communication techniques don't really change the way the other person communicates. The burden is still on the non and it is about finding ways to not set them off. At least that is how I have been feeling about some of those communication techniques. I have been experimenting with different ways of communicating with my partner and nothing seems to work. No matter I try, I still feel like we are speaking different languages.

[Hawk Ridge]

This may have been our biggest problem.  When she would become cruel or give me the silent treatment, I would want to calmly address it only to be met with resistance of a 12 year old girl or sullen silence.  I tried this only a few times yet, when devalued, I was accused of always overcommunicating.  It was such a hurtful yet unnecessary struggle.

[Craydar]

This may have been our biggest problem.  When she would become cruel or give me the silent treatment, I would want to calmly address it only to be met with resistance of a 12 year old girl or sullen silence.  I tried this only a few times yet, when devalued, I was accused of always overcommunicating.  It was such a hurtful yet unnecessary struggle.

Twelve... .I think that would have been a bit too mature for my ex. The tantrums were perplexing to say the least.

[Perdita]

The other problem is that he will interrupt the minute something pops into his head.

Mine is like that.  I'll be talking about something important to me and then he interrupts to talk about something insignificant that happened during his day.  After he's done I start again - only to be interrupted again. It can never just be about me.  Not even for 3 minutes.

He says he is not the touchy-feely type, but I don't expect him to be.  He just shuts down completely when anything remotely to do with emotions come up or having to face facts on something he prefers to avoid. 

[SickofMe]

Mine is a very passive-aggressive communicator.  The problem is, I think, he can't empathize with me when he is feeling defensive--AT ALL.  I have literally trained myself to step back and imagine what another person is feeling, and try to feel it, too, in order to better understand what's really going on.

My guy tells me all the time that he gets irritated when I "try to tell him what he's feeling."  Well, I say--if he would TELL ME what he's feeling, instead of stonewalling, I wouldn't have to guess!  It's so frustrating!  I understand how maddening it must be to be "misread" as he claims I do, but his behavior is so upsetting that all I can do is guess that he's angry with me.  Because it freaking hurts, like hell, to be suddenly shut out with no real explanation.

He claims that when he clams up it's bc he is hurt and scared.  It sure doesn't look or feel that way.

I have decided that when he communicates with me in these hurtful ways, I am going to be very direct and tell him what I'm feeling and ask him very directly what he is feeling.  If he can't/won't respond, I guess I'll just tell him he needs to let me know when he is ready to share... .and then move right along with my life.  That is the hard part, for me.  When he shuts down, I become obsessed with trying to reach him (and have horrible physical sensations that make it hard to focus on myself).  I know that is "my stuff" but it's so damn visceral.  It seems natural to want to soothe that situation but my BF is not able or willing to soothe me when he is triggered.

[Perdita]

My guy tells me all the time that he gets irritated when I "try to tell him what he's feeling."  Well, I say--if he would TELL ME what he's feeling, instead of stonewalling, I wouldn't have to guess!

In the past I have even suggested to mine that I will get him wrist bands in various colors and that each can represent an emotion.  That way he can literally wear his feelings on his wrist and I will be better able to judge how to react to him.  He refused and said that he will simply tell me how he is feeling instead of wasting time with wrist bands.  Eh ... .yeah right.  Still doesn't tell me. Or maybe it's because his mood changes so often and he lacks the patience to keep changing bands around.

[SickofMe]

In the past I have even suggested to mine that I will get him wrist bands in various colors and that each can represent an emotion.  That way he can literally wear his feelings on his wrist and I will be better able to judge how to react to him.  He refused and said that he will simply tell me how he is feeling instead of wasting time with wrist bands.  Eh ... .yeah right.  Still doesn't tell me. Or maybe it's because his mood changes so often and he lacks the patience to keep changing bands around.

This made me LOL!  My BF said he was going to get a mood ring.  

It also made me LOL bc it demonstrates how much humor and love there is in all of this... .sometimes.

[honeybadger]

I think my guys wants to communicate but he doesn't know how. How can he was he was never taught? He is unknowingly codependent in his communication. He will, for example, assume things--assume people know how he feels about something--and then get angry at them for not doing something or addressing something. Assume I am thinking one thing (which I may or may not be thinking). He will communicate indirectly with sighs, groans, etc. He will blame me for things & scenarios he has devised in his head without talking to me or asking me about these things first before acting on his emotions.

I just can't deal with that anymore, which is one reason why I said the only way I would go back with him is if we went to therapy to learn to communicate.

[Perdita]

In the past I have even suggested to mine that I will get him wrist bands in various colors and that each can represent an emotion.  That way he can literally wear his feelings on his wrist and I will be better able to judge how to react to him.  He refused and said that he will simply tell me how he is feeling instead of wasting time with wrist bands.  Eh ... .yeah right.  Still doesn't tell me. Or maybe it's because his mood changes so often and he lacks the patience to keep changing bands around.

This made me LOL!  My BF said he was going to get a mood ring.

That's funny because mine dit get me a mood ring!

Anyway, I don't think the color wrist bands would have worked for him as he probably wouldn't have known what he was feeling for more than a brief moment.  Not even I would have been able to help him label his feelings with the bands except if I got different shades of blue to represent different levels of moodiness.

[vortex of confusion]

That's funny because mine dit get me a mood ring!

Anyway, I don't think the color wrist bands would have worked for him as he probably wouldn't have known what he was feeling for more than a brief moment.  Not even I would have been able to help him label his feelings with the bands except if I got different shades of blue to represent different levels of moodiness.

The last time mine went to see his therapist, she gave him a list of feelings and asked him to journal about it so he could learn how to identify and express his feelings. I have yet to see him do it though. The other problem with the bands is that mine wouldn't be able to change them quick enough to accurately represent anything.

[SickofMe]

He will, for example, assume things--assume people know how he feels about something--and then get angry at them for not doing something or addressing something.

Yes, yes, yes!  I told my BF that my hunch is he feels things so intensely that he imagines everyone else knows how he's feeling.  The problem with this is that his public persona is very extroverted and friendly--and doesn't reflect his inner state at all.  I mean, EVER. It's only in private you can tell he is struggling with things.  Then he gets mad at people for not understanding.  I am the only person he is ever straight with and even with me, he won't tell me how he's feeling unless a)  It's about something besides ME and b) I pull it out of him like a tooth.

I think my guys wants to communicate but he doesn't know how. How can he was he was never taught?

I feel this as well.  My BF has a really messed-up, dysfunctional ex-wife who attacks him personally any time they have an issue concerning their children or schedule.  She is very waif-ish, but in an NPD sort of way.  Is that even possible?  An NPD waif?  They got together in their early 20's and were together for 20 years.  He claims I wouldn't have recognized him before and that actually bears out, based on his history.

I so want to learn to communicate better, as well, but it feels like an enormous challenge when his go-to is "clam up and shut out."

[Craydar]

I've always felt that good communication can only take place between two healthy people. If one is self centered, kniving, with ulterior motives, good communication cannot exist.  On the other hand, bad communication happens all the time, I.e. Tantrums and flying objects.