Intimacy issues - is it sth to overcome?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,

I am with my gf for 2 years. She started her therapy (not her first one) the same month we started being together.

From the beginning of our relationship there was a problem with intimacy. from the start there was a problem with hugs or kisses. Now she hugs me and kisses (no french kisses!) me but there is still problem with sex... .

I found out that in those two years my girlfriend would make love to me almost only when I started a fight because of not having sex. I think she felt threated that I would leave so she forced herself (? sometimes it looked so real... .) to have sex with me once or few times. And then when everything would go back to normal the sex was off the table again... .I suddenly realised I was being manipulated. I told her that today and she agreed, she said she saw it herself few days ago, although she said she was not doing it fully intentionally. She admitted it was a mechanism to keep me with her but it wasn't planning that or anything... .

Anyway. We are in separation now because a week ago I put my foot down and said I can not be in a relationship with no intimacy... .

Guys, I know it's common with BPD - intimacy issues. And my gf is in therapy for 2 years and going really well there. I can see she progreses. I strongly believe she is going to recover from BPD one day. But... .Can any of you tell me, is it possible to overcome the intimacy issues as well?

I love her like hell. She is so good to me. Never was violent or did me any harm (hmm except for that stupid manipulation that now I can see). She is kind, warm, caring and sweet. I do not want to leave her because she is not able to give me more intimacy NOW. I am willing to give her more time as I can see she tries so hard to get better. But... .I am also afraid that I am waisting my time if it is something that can never be solved, improves... .

Does anyone know?

p.s. Sorry for copying the great part of this message from another topic, but I am from Poland and it is not natural for me to write in english... .Also, would you please try to avoid slang or difficult words when replying? I need to be sure I understand what you mean when reading your responses... .Thank you... .

[anik0]

Hi everyone,

I am with my gf for 2 years. She started her therapy (not her first one) the same month we started being together.

From the beginning of our relationship there was a problem with intimacy. from the start there was a problem with hugs or kisses. Now she hugs me and kisses (no french kisses!) me but there is still problem with sex... .

I found out that in those two years my girlfriend would make love to me almost only when I started a fight because of not having sex. I think she felt threated that I would leave so she forced herself (? sometimes it looked so real... .) to have sex with me once or few times. And then when everything would go back to normal the sex was off the table again... .I suddenly realised I was being manipulated. I told her that today and she agreed, she said she saw it herself few days ago, although she said she was not doing it fully intentionally. She admitted it was a mechanism to keep me with her but it wasn't planning that or anything... .

Anyway. We are in separation now because a week ago I put my foot down and said I can not be in a relationship with no intimacy... .

Guys, I know it's common with BPD - intimacy issues. And my gf is in therapy for 2 years and going really well there. I can see she progreses. I strongly believe she is going to recover from BPD one day. But... .Can any of you tell me, is it possible to overcome the intimacy issues as well?

I love her like hell. She is so good to me. Never was violent or did me any harm (hmm except for that stupid manipulation that now I can see). She is kind, warm, caring and sweet. I do not want to leave her because she is not able to give me more intimacy NOW. I am willing to give her more time as I can see she tries so hard to get better. But... .I am also afraid that I am waisting my time if it is something that can never be solved, improves... .

Does anyone know?

p.s. Sorry for copying the great part of this message from another topic, but I am from Poland and it is not natural for me to write in english... .Also, would you please try to avoid slang or difficult words when replying? I need to be sure I understand what you mean when reading your responses... .Thank you... .

[ziniztar]

I was in the same situation.

My T explained that no matter how recovered, pwBPD will always keep a safe (emotional) distance as they will never reach the level of trust and feelings of safety we can.

I think some people can deal with that. I couldn't. I have attachment issues myself and I need someone that won't pull away all the time. It drives me nuts, turns me into a little dependant obsessive monster. And I know I'm not like that with someone who is healthily attached, so I chose to leave.

It was really hard and sad though. It's something only you can decide for yourself.

[anik0]

Sorry to hear that. Thank you for your reply.

Can you tell me how long ago your T told you that?

I still get contrary opinions... .Some people are like "hell no, you can never overcome it" and some people are like "look for some therapy that deals with attachment issues".

And still wonder if there is anyone who dealt with intimacy issues... .

[ziniztar]

Sorry to hear that. Thank you for your reply.

Can you tell me how long ago your T told you that?

A few weeks ago and he has treated several people with BPD himself.

I still get contrary opinions... .Some people are like "hell no, you can never overcome it" and some people are like "look for some therapy that deals with attachment issues".

You will always get contrary opinions. BPD is a very diverse illness that comes in different shapes. On top of that, we (the people having the r/s with the pwBPD) are also quite unique in what we can and can't handle. How this is all working out for you is a combination of both. You obviously feel a need to be intimate in a way without being manipulated, which is quite normal . Others who are not looking for this type of physical intimacy this much, will be able to deal with the lack of it, better.

And still wonder if there is anyone who dealt with intimacy issues... .

Please bare in mind: attachment issues = (physical) intimacy issues. People that are overly attached and are eager to bond, will use physical intimacy (unconsciously) as a way to get that bond if they're not getting in another way. They are more likely to engage in physical intimacy just to feel more intimate on an emotional level. I am one of those people.

People that are likely to have more avoident styles of attachment disorder, tend to be physically active, but use this as a power mechanism. And, if they are doing it, they seem to be not-present. It's more a clinical act, lust, without real emotional intimacy.

From what I understand, attachment issues can become healthier if someone is paired up with another, healthy attached human being. Once the bond grows over the years and the r/s persists (as long as this happens in a healthy, balanced, non-codependent way), the unhealthy attached person can become more healthy. So then the question would be: do you consider yourself to be healthy attached?

[anik0]

ziniztar than you for your reply.

Please bare in mind: attachment issues = (physical) intimacy issues. People that are overly attached and are eager to bond, will use physical intimacy (unconsciously) as a way to get that bond if they're not getting in another way. They are more likely to engage in physical intimacy just to feel more intimate on an emotional level. I am one of those people.

My T explained that no matter how recovered, pwBPD will always keep a safe (emotional) distance as they will never reach the level of trust and feelings of safety we can.

I am a bit confused. Your therapist was talking about pshysical intimacy or an emotional intimacy?

I think I need to answer myself two questions (if not more ):

1. if I consider myself healthy attached? - Thank you ziniztar for that question. I think it is important indeed. I used to I am but now I am thinking I may be not and maybe that is way I let myself being manipulated. I gave a lot of thinking on how not to let myself fall for things like that again because it is obviousle not good for me nor to her becuase it is strengthning her BPD and is not good for her recovery I guess.

I came to the conclusion I need a therapy too.

2. If I am ready to accept that my gf will never reach the emonotionally closenest as I would love her to? And I think that is something to work on at my own therapy too. To answer what I need from my partner to feel ok in a relationship. And if it is something I really need or just think I need because our culture made me think it is necessary in every relationship. Or maybe I need something from another person because I got some problems with myself, I am thinking about things like low self esteem or something. I guess I need to answer myself if all these things I think I need are really what I need from another person or maybe what I actually get from my gf is enough for me of a relationship to consider it good for me. (Well, right now I can not accept our problems with sex).

But, the bottom line is, I think I need to be strong to let my gf make the decision if she think she is able to work on her intimacy issues. If not, I need to accept this and just leave, and I would like to start my own therapy before finding someone new. If she says yes, I still should be carefull , start my own therapy and work with my gf to see if we could meet at a point where she would be ok with our intimacy and I would be ok with it. I don't know yet how to do that but I am sure there are ways... .

That is what I am thinking now... .I am trying to keep telling myself: "It may be a lost cause and you need to accept it". But it is so hard, because I consider my relationship rather satysfying (not easy one and probably I would get an easier relation with someone else) with that one problem which is I want sex that comes just natural and is not predated by the threat of breaking up or my asking for sex... .