Relaying Bad Information when there is No Contact

[mkmomto2]

Hi,

So, for those of you who don't know, my 20 year old daughter left home a few weeks ago.  She has not been diagnosed but has exhibited traits of BPD and possibly histrionic as well.  She is currently having no contact with us.  We just found out  that my husband's sister has stage three ovarian cancer.  I'm not sure what to do about this information.  If I don't tell my daughter about this, she will be furious when she finds out, especially if anything bad happens.  I don't feel right telling her through facebook messages (my only form of communication with her- as one sided as it is).  This aunt's sister died three and a half years ago from a car accident involving alcohol and drugs (I believe there was mental illness as well but she was undiagnosed) and my daughter took this death very hard.   Any advice on how, when or what to divulge?

Thanks in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hm, this is tough... .What's the prognosis of your sister-in-law's illness?

Could anyone else in the family text her about it?

[mkmomto2]

We don't know the prognosis yet.  She is currently in the hospital.  My sister could let her know through messages, which is the only way we are able to communicate with her right now. I don't know if it would be better to just wait until we have more information and hope that she would initiate contact in the interim or contact her now about it. 

[pessim-optimist]

I don't know if it would be better to just wait until we have more information and hope that she would initiate contact in the interim or contact her now about it.

You will probably know best what works for your family and what your dd would want. That being said, in general, if it were my dd, I would wait until I knew more so as to not send her into panic with fear and uncertainty. Persons w/BPD can overreact in a big way and misunderstand what we are saying.

In cases that aren't emergency situations, I like to gain as much information as possible and my own stability in order to be there fully for my pwBPD (person/s w/BPD) and to be able to give calming re-assurance.

[parent of bpd daughter]

Several years ago when my BPDD was 26yo,  her father died very unexpectedly, I made a very bad decision to contact her.

I made this decision because my younger non-BPD daughter very understandably wanted all of us to be together - she was only 13 and we had not told her about her sister's mental illness - just that she was "different"

We had been no contact with our BPDD for about 3 years - I didn't even have a phone number or address for her - her choice.

In my situation - telling her about her father's death was a decision I will regret for the rest of my life.

In my situation by BPDD really became problematic when I told her - and my husband/her father - wasn't there

to keep the peace, calm her down from her physical outbursts - I had no one and a 13yo broken hearted minor to protect on top of that.

The result was I had to engage law enforcement during a time of extreme grief and pain for all of us and file

a restraining order.

Moral of my story and advice to you - Don't do This UNLESS you are 100% prepared for the reaction and have lots of people that can help. Ask yourself - what is the point in telling her? Normal rules of behavior don't apply to BPD's - they aren't normal - they don't react normal - and we must stop treating them as if they are normal. Harsh as that sounds - it's my truth that I have learned through much pain and suffering.

Good luck to you in your decision.

[mkmomto2]

Thank you.  We are going to wait, maybe indefinitely after hearing your story- parent of BPD daughter.  I'm so sorry you had to go through that, it sounds like an absolutely awful time.  I hope that you have had time to heal and that your younger daughter has been alright as well. 

Pessim-if and when we tell our daughter about her aunt, I'm going to make sure it is 100% necessary and that I am able to be there when she crumbles, because I know that she will.  My husband is having a hard time hearing of his sister's illness, so I'm trying to suck up my own emotional mess that I've been with our daughter gone to be there for him at this time.  So, until the time that I have to tell her, I will focus on him.  We have actually grown closer with the chaos that our daughter has caused, presenting a united front, which I am grateful for.  I know that sometimes it can go the opposite way, so I'm glad that this at least is in our favor. 

[pessim-optimist]

My husband is having a hard time hearing of his sister's illness, so I'm trying to suck up my own emotional mess that I've been with our daughter gone to be there for him at this time.  So, until the time that I have to tell her, I will focus on him.

I bet your husband is trying to be brave, but it must be a really scary time for him, being concerned for his sister. You are being a great wife placing the priority where it needs to be at the moment... .

We have actually grown closer with the chaos that our daughter has caused, presenting a united front, which I am grateful for.

That is awesome! I am so happy for you. To have one's partner as the best friend and a safe haven in times of stress is the best we can wish for.