Here we go again, a first stab at boundary setting.

[SickofMe]

Very recently reconciled with my BF and trying to see if I can do this without losing myself.

He has been in total love-bomb phase, and I sure do love this part. 

But now he's "melancholy" (i.e. sulking) and I am pretty sure I know why (never totally sure, bc he is never clear).

• I told him I'm not willing to bring my children (back) into this, at this point.  Until we are in a more stable place, I'm not telling them I'm seeing him and I'm not allowing him to be at my house when they are.



• I am not changing my FB r/s status.  I told him he can tell whomever he wants we have reconciled, but I want to keep this private, for now.  I was very embarrassed by the abrupt b/u and don't feel like I want everyone "knowing my business" just yet.

I have told my close friends we've reconciled and am really just staying off FB for now.

These seem like reasonable limits, yes?

[Caredverymuch]

Very recently reconciled with my BF and trying to see if I can do this without losing myself.

He has been in total love-bomb phase, and I sure do love this part. 

But now he's "melancholy" (i.e. sulking) and I am pretty sure I know why (never totally sure, bc he is never clear).

• I told him I'm not willing to bring my children (back) into this, at this point.  Until we are in a more stable place, I'm not telling them I'm seeing him and I'm not allowing him to be at my house when they are.



• I am not changing my FB r/s status.  I told him he can tell whomever he wants we have reconciled, but I want to keep this private, for now.  I was very embarrassed by the abrupt b/u and don't feel like I want everyone "knowing my business" just yet.

I have told my close friends we've reconciled and am really just staying off FB for now.

These seem like reasonable limits, yes?

You mentioned there was immense love bombing which accomplished your return to the r/s   .  Since you've now reengaged, your sensing melancholy     

Setting limits will be very important as well as utilizing the many tools here.

Your limits outlined are very reasonable.  Im guessing there may be more dynamics of the disorder now that you've reengaged which might be triggering.

I am no longer in a r/ s w my expBPD but my experience with reengaging was the more control I set forth, the quicker he pushed me away.  For me, that was the way it needed to be moving forward.  I needed more control over much about reengaging w him. That wasn't what he was used to or looking for in me.  But I stood my ground and in my case, refused to go back for more. 

I've read much here about them pushing the limits when new boundaries are set.

You may be experiencing the beginning of some of that.

[SickofMe]

I am no longer in a r/ s w my expBPD but my experience with reengaging was the more control I set forth, the quicker he pushed me away.  For me, that was the way it needed to be moving forward.  I needed more control over much about reengaging w him. That wasn't what he was used to or looking for in me.  But I stood my ground and in my case, refused to go back for more. 

I also told him I couldn't spend my time obsessing about him any more and need to focus on my own health.

Since you've now reengaged, your sensing melancholy

He explicitly used that word.  I asked is it bc you are tired?  "That's part of it, I'm sure."  I asked him if he is upset with me... ."No."  But no elaboration.  Push/pull.

Im guessing there may be more dynamics of the disorder now that you've reengaged which might be triggering.

Yes, we had sex for the first time in ages.  Very loving.  Three hours later, he "disappears" on me... .mentally, emotionally.  Quite abrupt.  No chance I'm imagining this.

I'm so glad I've figured out that his behavior isn't normal and isn't me--strong BPD traits, if not full-blown disorder.

I am not going to waste my mental and emotional energy trying to pull his emotions out of him like teeth.  I am not going to allow his weirdness to hijack my peace.  I don't know if that's a boundary but he will just have to self-soothe without my assistance.

I hate feeling like he is "dysregulated" but it sorta has to be the case.  He's doing his "curl up in the fetal position" thing.  I don't have to participate.

I have a feeling he will not want me if I have boundaries.

[Perdita]

To any non your boundaries seem very reasonable.  Not even what I would consider big boundaries.  You felt hurt and humiliated by the sudden break up.  It's only natural that you are now shy about making your reconciliation public.  He ought to be understanding of that and also of your reasons for not wanting him around the house when the kids are there.  We are talking about a BP person though and they certainly don't react to things in a reasonable way.

[Perdita]

I have a feeling he will not want me if I have boundaries.

Maybe this is what they want us to believe?  A sort of fear tactic to keep us in our 'place'?

[SickofMe]

You felt hurt and humiliated by the sudden break up.  It's only natural that you are now shy about making your reconciliation public.

Exactly.  He said I am "ashamed" of him.  I think that is a projection.  He is expressing a lot of remorse about his behavior and saying he's ruined things.  I'm saying I want to take it slow and I'm scared bc of how he behaved toward me during b/u.  He says he understands but I can't help but feel like he wants ME to comfort HIM about his crappy treatment of me and it is just not happening, bc it just wasn't okay.  He needs to sort out that for himself.  I think it's very hard for him to accept that even good people do bad things.  He is very attached to his notion of himself as a "very good person."  I told him I can forgive him.  I am not saying it was okay, because it wasn't.  I'm also not harping on it.

Maybe this is what they want us to believe?  A sort of fear tactic to keep us in our 'place'?

Maybe this is it. I suspect if my BF is doing this--emotional blackmail, I think--it's largely unconscious.  I think he is un-self-aware and he is beginning to think so, too.

One way or the other, I'm not giving into this, even if I have to be more rigid than I'd choose to be.  One thing I have committed to, now that I understand a little better, is that if I can't do it for *me* (i.e. keep myself grounded--which is difficult for me), I have no choice but to do it for my children.  They need me intact.  I can do things for them that I can't do for myself, which may not be ideal but it's better than nothing.

[Perdita]

One way or the other, I'm not giving into this, even if I have to be more rigid than I'd choose to be.  One thing I have committed to, now that I understand a little better, is that if I can't do it for *me* (i.e. keep myself grounded--which is difficult for me), I have no choice but to do it for my children.  They need me intact.  I can do things for them that I can't do for myself, which may not be ideal but it's better than nothing.

SickofMe, I think it takes time for any of us to do it for ourselves.  Think about it, we spend so much time and energy nurturing them and making sure we keep them happy that it is actually quite difficult to learn to put our own needs first.

[SickofMe]

SickofMe, I think it takes time for any of us to do it for ourselves.  Think about it, we spend so much time and energy nurturing them and making sure we keep them happy that it is actually quite difficult to learn to put our own needs first.

Today he said he is feeling sad about the b/u and feels that I am "keeping him at an arm's length."  That I don't trust him, and think he is nuts.

I didn't say or do anything to indicate any of that.  We were intimate yesterday morning and went out to breakfast!

I decided to be really, really direct and said, "what do you need from me?"

He said, "you don't have to fix anything.  I am just down, I don't have an agenda."

Why don't I believe that?  I do, actually, believe this is what he thinks.  His behavior seems to be entirely outside of his awareness.  You'd think the man who said "I'm going to prove myself to you, no matter how long it takes" would realize that acting withdrawn might make me a little, um, anxious/apprehensive after spending the night together and being sexual.

The fun really never ends.  I am glad I can see this a little bit differently, now.