Need to vent and get perspective before I go crazy

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel like my head is spinning. I have been trying to put up boundaries. I am probably not doing it the best way possible because I feel like I have had to resort to being an a$$hole to get my point across. I wasn't sure whether to post this in staying or leaving so I figured I would settle for the in between. 

I will admit that I wasn't exactly being nice but it seems that my husband resorts to some of the craziest stuff. I was upset with him for telling me that he wasn't going to talk to a specific person only to message with her and call her. His solution is to get rid of his phone and deactivate his FB account. In the past, I used to say, "No, no, no, that's okay." This time I told him that he was being absolutely ridiculous. Why can't he simply stop doing what he told me he wasn't going to do? I know. Stupid question.

It is so unbelievably difficult to try to talk to him because he escalates things to the point of being absurd. At one point, he said, in front of the kids, I think I am just going to stop taking all of my medicine, that should save a couple hundred bucks a month. I used to let stuff like that slide but I took him aside and I lit into him and told him that he was basically saying that he was going to kill himself. Our kids aren't stupid and know exactly what the ramifications of him not taking his medicine are. One our kids even piped up and said, "But daddy, you need your medicine."

At another point, he said it was my fault because he quit going to church and left his religion. That is complete and utter crap. I went through all of the classes necessary to get married in his church. I even joined his church. All of our kids are baptized in his church. I have attended church with him. I even taught classes at his church for a brief period of time. Yes, I have asked questions and have been critical of his church but I have never ever told him that he couldn't go to church or have anything to do with his church. He has told me repeatedly that he has a problem reconciling his beliefs with the teachings of his church. Yet, now he is blaming it on me.

The other ridiculous thing that was brought up was that I said that when he is at home with the kids, he is just the token adult because he spends most of his time on the computer. He will get the kids stuff to eat but that is about it. He tried to turn it around on me and say, "How is that any different than what you do?" I lit into him and started listing all of the things that I do in the course of a day. Yes, I spend a lot of time on the computer but I am not involved in playing games or anything else that requires my full attention (unless I am working on my class).

It seems like no matter what I say, he tries to turn it back around on me. I was trying to make a point about how serious I am about him putting forth some effort and he said that he knows that I could kick him out on the street and leave him penniless tomorrow. When I tried to ask him what I had done to make him think such a thing, he changed it around and tried to say that he was just sharing his fears. That is how he feels. I was a bit of a sh**head and turned it around on him and shared some of my fears. My fears left him in tears and he was floored that I would even think such a thing. When he tried to ask me why I had those fears, I had a laundry list of reasons why I might think that.

It is so scary putting up boundaries and trying to speak my truth. It seems like any kind of attempt at a conversation are met with resistance or him saying stuff like, "I know. It is all my fault." Over the weekend, I have been trying to engage so that I can set boundaries and make some changes for the sake of the kids. It aggravates me because he accused me of picking a fight. Maybe I was trying to pick a fight because that seems to be the only way he will communicate with me. However, I didn't feel like I was trying to pick a fight. I was saying some really tough things and I was standing my ground. I was not yelling at him. I was being very firm. He is the one that started yelling and getting scary. He even woke up some of the kids. And, there are times when I am trying to talk to him and he will get defensive and angry sounding and the kids will come ask us not to fight. If I say something quietly in the kitchen or on the porch or even in the bedroom out of earshot of the kids, he will get loud and the kids will come in and ask us not to fight. I sometimes feel like he escalates things so the kids will come to his rescue.

[vortex of confusion]

I feel like my head is spinning. I have been trying to put up boundaries. I am probably not doing it the best way possible because I feel like I have had to resort to being an a$$hole to get my point across. I wasn't sure whether to post this in staying or leaving so I figured I would settle for the in between. 

I will admit that I wasn't exactly being nice but it seems that my husband resorts to some of the craziest stuff. I was upset with him for telling me that he wasn't going to talk to a specific person only to message with her and call her. His solution is to get rid of his phone and deactivate his FB account. In the past, I used to say, "No, no, no, that's okay." This time I told him that he was being absolutely ridiculous. Why can't he simply stop doing what he told me he wasn't going to do? I know. Stupid question.

It is so unbelievably difficult to try to talk to him because he escalates things to the point of being absurd. At one point, he said, in front of the kids, I think I am just going to stop taking all of my medicine, that should save a couple hundred bucks a month. I used to let stuff like that slide but I took him aside and I lit into him and told him that he was basically saying that he was going to kill himself. Our kids aren't stupid and know exactly what the ramifications of him not taking his medicine are. One our kids even piped up and said, "But daddy, you need your medicine."

At another point, he said it was my fault because he quit going to church and left his religion. That is complete and utter crap. I went through all of the classes necessary to get married in his church. I even joined his church. All of our kids are baptized in his church. I have attended church with him. I even taught classes at his church for a brief period of time. Yes, I have asked questions and have been critical of his church but I have never ever told him that he couldn't go to church or have anything to do with his church. He has told me repeatedly that he has a problem reconciling his beliefs with the teachings of his church. Yet, now he is blaming it on me.

The other ridiculous thing that was brought up was that I said that when he is at home with the kids, he is just the token adult because he spends most of his time on the computer. He will get the kids stuff to eat but that is about it. He tried to turn it around on me and say, "How is that any different than what you do?" I lit into him and started listing all of the things that I do in the course of a day. Yes, I spend a lot of time on the computer but I am not involved in playing games or anything else that requires my full attention (unless I am working on my class).

It seems like no matter what I say, he tries to turn it back around on me. I was trying to make a point about how serious I am about him putting forth some effort and he said that he knows that I could kick him out on the street and leave him penniless tomorrow. When I tried to ask him what I had done to make him think such a thing, he changed it around and tried to say that he was just sharing his fears. That is how he feels. I was a bit of a sh**head and turned it around on him and shared some of my fears. My fears left him in tears and he was floored that I would even think such a thing. When he tried to ask me why I had those fears, I had a laundry list of reasons why I might think that.

It is so scary putting up boundaries and trying to speak my truth. It seems like any kind of attempt at a conversation are met with resistance or him saying stuff like, "I know. It is all my fault." Over the weekend, I have been trying to engage so that I can set boundaries and make some changes for the sake of the kids. It aggravates me because he accused me of picking a fight. Maybe I was trying to pick a fight because that seems to be the only way he will communicate with me. However, I didn't feel like I was trying to pick a fight. I was saying some really tough things and I was standing my ground. I was not yelling at him. I was being very firm. He is the one that started yelling and getting scary. He even woke up some of the kids. And, there are times when I am trying to talk to him and he will get defensive and angry sounding and the kids will come ask us not to fight. If I say something quietly in the kitchen or on the porch or even in the bedroom out of earshot of the kids, he will get loud and the kids will come in and ask us not to fight. I sometimes feel like he escalates things so the kids will come to his rescue.

[Perdita]

Sorry you are going through this, Vortex of Confusion.    Sounds  like you really needed to get these things off your chest and gave him a piece of your mind.  It would be wonderful if we could stay in that calm place when dealing with them, but sometimes the pressure becomes too much.  I think speaking your mind was probably exactly what you needed. 

I feel like my head is spinning. I have been trying to put up boundaries. I am probably not doing it the best way possible because I feel like I have had to resort to being an a$$hole to get my point across.

Well, sometimes we need to give them a break from being an a$$hole and take over for a while. 

It is so unbelievably difficult to try to talk to him because he escalates things to the point of being absurd. At one point, he said, in front of the kids, I think I am just going to stop taking all of my medicine, that should save a couple hundred bucks a month.

He was probably trying for the predictable reaction.

At another point, he said it was my fault because he quit going to church and left his religion. That is complete and utter crap.

What were you talking abour right before this?  Sounds like he might have been using this to distract from another topic.  I want to try and make a point of remembering things like this myself.

It seems like no matter what I say, he tries to turn it back around on me.

Would say that this is typical BP gaslighting tactics.  I guess, ideally, we should pay this little to no attention and keep at the point we are making about their behaviour. 

I was a bit of a sh**head and turned it around on him and shared some of my fears. My fears left him in tears and he was floored that I would even think such a thing. When he tried to ask me why I had those fears, I had a laundry list of reasons why I might think that.

This actually sounds like a good thing to me, Vortex. 

Maybe I was trying to pick a fight because that seems to be the only way he will communicate with me. However, I didn't feel like I was trying to pick a fight.

Many of us here can relate to this. 

I sometimes feel like he escalates things so the kids will come to his rescue.

You are probably right.  Kids do get caught in the middle and sometimes it is deliberate.

Has the dust settled yet?

[vortex of confusion]

Has the dust settled yet?

For him, the dust has settled. He usually goes on like nothing ever happened. I got up this morning and he had made breakfast for me and the girls. I am work and he is sending me messages about how he is cleaning and how the kids and him put up the Christmas tree together and it is waiting for me to get home so we can decorate it as a family. He hasn't mentioned a word about any of the stuff that I have brought up in the last couple of days. It is like none of it ever happened.

For me, my head is still a bit dazed and confused. That is why I posted about it here. If I post it here and get some feedback or even a few "Yeah, me toos" I don't feel quite as crazy and I am not nearly as apt to slide back into old patterns because it is easiest. When I lose my footing, I tend to fall right back into the old codependent patterns.

[Perdita]

For him, the dust has settled. He usually goes on like nothing ever happened.

He hasn't mentioned a word about any of the stuff that I have brought up in the last couple of days. It is like none of it ever happened.

This is exactly what mine does!  In fact, he is doing it right now. It takes so much courage to tell them what's on our minds and in our hearts you'd think the least they can do is acknowledge what we are feeling. He actually send me a smiley face text and simply said "goodnight".  Really?  I tell him I feel I am nothing to him and THAT is the best he can do?  I've come to the conclusion that having to face any kind of an emotion is seen as a conflict so he prefers to avoid it.  Perhaps it is the same with your husband.

the kids and him put up the Christmas tree together and it is waiting for me to get home so we can decorate it as a family

I think I know where you'd like him to put that tree . . .

For me, my head is still a bit dazed and confused. That is why I posted about it here. If I post it here and get some feedback or even a few "Yeah, me toos" I don't feel quite as crazy and I am not nearly as apt to slide back into old patterns because it is easiest. When I lose my footing, I tend to fall right back into the old codependent patterns.

Well, yeah me too.  You are not crazy.  We all are trying to end those patterns.  Keep posting.

[vortex of confusion]

This is exactly what mine does!  In fact, he is doing it right now. It takes so much courage to tell them what's on our minds and in our hearts you'd think the least they can do is acknowledge what we are feeling. He actually send me a smiley face text and simply said "goodnight".  Really?  I tell him I feel I am nothing to him and THAT is the best he can do?  I've come to the conclusion that having to face any kind of an emotion is seen as a conflict so he prefers to avoid it.  Perhaps it is the same with your husband.

I think you are probably right on that. There are times when pretty much any normal person would be super happy and he comes across as "meh". I tried to tell my husband that I feel like I am unimportant to him. He can find it in him to focus on other people and other stuff but he can't find it in him to focus on me. My problem is that I have become very cynical and very unstrusting of him. I don't trust him at all. Even if he tried to acknowledge my feelings, it wouldn't help one bit because his actions do not convey that he heard a word I said. It is like he will say anything and everything to get me to shut up or change the topic. We talk about rebuilding the trust between us but he continually does things to erode that trust. I am not asking him to do big things. I am simply asking him to keep his word.

I think I know where you'd like him to put that tree . . .

WOW. . .Thank you for the laugh! I needed that.

[123Phoebe]

The other ridiculous thing that was brought up was that I said that when he is at home with the kids, he is just the token adult because he spends most of his time on the computer. He will get the kids stuff to eat but that is about it. He tried to turn it around on me and say, "How is that any different than what you do?" I lit into him and started listing all of the things that I do in the course of a day. Yes, I spend a lot of time on the computer but I am not involved in playing games or anything else that requires my full attention (unless I am working on my class).

It seems like no matter what I say, he tries to turn it back around on me. I was trying to make a point about how serious I am about him putting forth some effort

For him, the dust has settled. He usually goes on like nothing ever happened. I got up this morning and he had made breakfast for me and the girls. I am work and he is sending me messages about how he is cleaning and how the kids and him put up the Christmas tree together and it is waiting for me to get home so we can decorate it as a family. He hasn't mentioned a word about any of the stuff that I have brought up in the last couple of days. It is like none of it ever happened.

Is he addressing some of the things you've brought up, only showing them through actions, not discussion?

Sounds like something sunk in.  Whether or not it'll last and continue is anybody's guess.

What kind of example would you like to set for your children when you arrive home?

[vortex of confusion]

Is he addressing some of the things you've brought up, only showing them through actions, not discussion?

Sounds like something sunk in.  Whether or not it'll last and continue is anybody's guess.

It is difficult to tell. He can do stuff around the house after I pitch a fit but it rarely lasts. For me, doing stuff around the house isn't as important as the basic trust issues. I can't trust him if he is going to go back on his word.

What kind of example would you like to set for your children when you arrive home?

I am going to set the same example that I always set for my kids. I am going to take care of whatever needs done when I get home. If I need to cook, I will. If something needs fixed, I will fix it. I plan on helping them decorate the Christmas tree and we have a movie that we rented last night that needs to be watched. I plan on doing what I always do, which is to take care of business and spend time with the kids.

[Perdita]

I tried to tell my husband that I feel like I am unimportant to him. He can find it in him to focus on other people and other stuff but he can't find it in him to focus on me. My problem is that I have become very cynical and very unstrusting of him. I don't trust him at all. Even if he tried to acknowledge my feelings, it wouldn't help one bit because his actions do not convey that he heard a word I said. It is like he will say anything and everything to get me to shut up or change the topic. We talk about rebuilding the trust between us but he continually does things to erode that trust. I am not asking him to do big things. I am simply asking him to keep his word.

Most of it is us reacting to the lack of emotional stability. How can we feel emotionally safe without emotional stability?  Emotional safety is very important to me in a r/s. 

I guess to them these are big things. I hear you on the trust.  It is extremely hard to get that back once it's gone.  Even when things seem to be going well I am unable to fully enjoy it because I have learned that trouble will soon follow.  What a sad way to live.

BTW, you best not put the tree there or there'd be nowhere to plug in the tree lights. Sounds like he needs to lighten up a bit.

[vortex of confusion]

Most of it is us reacting to the lack of emotional stability. How can we feel emotionally safe without emotional stability?  Emotional safety is very important to me in a r/s. 

I think you are very right. I don't feel emotionally safe with him at all. There have been numerous times when I needed a little bit of help or understanding and instead of getting that it feels more like he kicks me when I am down. He could probably say the same about me because I have been hard on him when he has been down. The problem though is that it seems like he is usually down about something or has something going on. In a sense, he would be accurate. I think that is a pattern that I have recently identified. I don't like kicking people when they are down, therefore I keep everything to myself so as to not upset the apple cart. Then, when I say something, it feels really bad because I know that he is struggling with recovery.

I guess to them these are big things. I hear you on the trust.  It is extremely hard to get that back once it's gone.  Even when things seem to be going well I am unable to fully enjoy it because I have learned that trouble will soon follow.  What a sad way to live.

It is a very sad way to live especially since he has repeatedly told me that he can't really work on our relationship and has to work on his recovery. I get that. I know he is struggling and doesn't have much energy to invest in our relationship. I can give him that. However, not being able to work on the relationship doesn't mean that he can be oblivious to certain issues and expect me to sit back and say nothing and just take whatever I am given. I have done that for far too long.

BTW, you best not put the tree there or there'd be nowhere to plug in the tree lights. Sounds like he needs to lighten up a bit.

You are killing me Perdita! That is hilarious. You gave me a horrible mental image of an extension chord hanging out of there. . .that would be one way to make somebody lighten up. 

[lifechangingdecision]

I feel your pain and have done this too! We all get to our breaking point! My BPD H usually flips over the smallest things, blames me for everthing and stays mad for days. Doesnt talk and acts like an ahole for those days. Im the type of person that I have to say how I feel or will explode. I tell everyone that is close to me if you are mad or uoset with me please tell me so we can work it out. My husband never talks and it drives me insane. Yet he will tell other people which I dont get at all. After so much time passes I explode exactly like you did. For us its a vicous cycle. You are entitled to your feelings, to express them and to be heard. You are human and can only take so much! Hugs to you :-)

[vortex of confusion]

I feel your pain and have done this too! We all get to our breaking point! My BPD H usually flips over the smallest things, blames me for everthing and stays mad for days. Doesnt talk and acts like an ahole for those days. Im the type of person that I have to say how I feel or will explode. I tell everyone that is close to me if you are mad or uoset with me please tell me so we can work it out. My husband never talks and it drives me insane. Yet he will tell other people which I dont get at all. After so much time passes I explode exactly like you did. For us its a vicous cycle. You are entitled to your feelings, to express them and to be heard. You are human and can only take so much! Hugs to you :-)

Thank you for the words of support! I am feeling so very angry these days. It is like 16.5 years worth of emotions is washing over me at once.