She can't/won't do anything

[Stressedoutstepmom]

Our D15 won't do anything we ask of her.  Homework, dishes, meeting curfew... .even showering!  We ask her to do something, she says ok, but doesn't actually do it. When we ask her why, she gets herself so worked up, the conversation goes in circles and she ends up somehow blaming us for her not doing what she was asked. An example, She "forgets" how to clean her bathroom.  After we've explained it so many times, patiently, frustratingly., angrily, with aNd without consequences... .every which way you can think of. We are at the point where we tell her to "figure it out" and then she doesn't do it remotely properly (on purpose, I'm sure) and she uses that as a "see, I'm a loser, I should just be dead." 

I wish I knew how to break out of this cycle!  She has to learn how to function in life, but she just won't do even the basics and shuts down completely.  Any, any, any ideas? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hi there stressedoutstepmom.

This is quite typical for a BPD, but now add the teenage factor to the mix and you get the double whammy.

First off I recommend that you stop reacting, ask her do a task or a chore, but only ask once. Make sure you are being clear and concise when giving the instruction, set a time frame it needs to be completed by, and clearly spell out the consequence for when she does not comply. If the task is undone or done improperly by the set  time, then you enact the discipline. Do not discuss it further, after all she was the given the task with clear instructions and she chose not to follow the directions.

Say no more about it, but remain firm in the follow through of the discipline. Do not Justify, argue, defend or explain anything you have chosen to say or do up to this point.  DO NOT JADE... .all that will do is fuel her fire. Do this every time with every required chore or task, do not waiver form the plan or it will collapse. She may get mad and yell or throw a fit, but do your very best to not react.

I have been down this same road, It was 16 years ago and I did not have any support or knowledge or tools to use, but I sure wish I had, things may have turned out differently for my DD.

I wish you well, and good luck. Please keep us updated.

[chooselove]

I hope the consequences work for you.  In our case the consequences are not linked in our D's head to her behavior, instead they are just seen as more ways that we are cruel to her.   She did respond well to me working with her to clean up her messes, though. I usually did most/all the work but it got her to participate to a degree and we had some close moments and it would end happy with her feeling better and at least, she got to see how the work was done.  I think she was just too depressed to be motivated and this was a way we could have a pleasant productive time together.   We didn't do this a lot and looking back I wish I had done it more but I'm happy for the times we did now that she has moved out and gone NC.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Has your daughter received a complete detailed physical?  It could be an endocrinological disorder.  I think that physiological issues need to be ruled out first and then she should perhaps be evaluated for clinical depression.

Hope someone with medical background can chime in.

[Stressedoutstepmom]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm trying so hard to not react, and I do a lot better than when we first started down this road.  it's hard as well because there don't seem to be any consequences that have any effect. Even things that mean a lot to her, she so easily spirals into her own self loathing while never taking responsibility for her actions.  And she doesn't try to do better the next time.  Her grades are currently in the toilet and no matter how simple I try to make it for her as far as organizing and prioritizing her tasks, she still doesn't get them done.  She "forgets" or "doesn't have enough time."  It's all baloney.

She has had physical exams and gets blood work done regularly.

[jellibeans]

Dear stressesoutstepmom

I like the response you have had so far... .I do think you need to be detailed with what is expected BUT I also think you need to be fair and not expect things to be done just so... .having high expectations and being judgemental about the job done is not going to encourage you dd to want to do chores around the house.

You are having trouble with the following... .

Homework - I would not constantly be reminder her of homework... .the most I would ask would be if she had any... .that is it. It is her responsibility and if she choses not to do her homework then she will fail. I tell my dd that she needs to be passing all her subjects at report time which is every 6 weeks... .if she is not passing then she needed to talk with her teacher and retest or ask for extra work etc. If she is not passing at report time she is grounded until she shows she is working on repairing her grade. Don't make homework your job... .it is hers. Has she been tested for learning disabilities? Is she on a 504? Look for ways to help her. Sometimes our kids need to fail before they see the benefit of putting the work in when needed.

Curfew... .If my dd comes home late she will have a consequence... .maybe not being able to go out the next night etc. If she has a valid excuse then I will take that into consideration. Losing something like her phone mattered to her and helped motivate her to follow rules.

Showering- I would not try to control every aspect of your dd world... .if she doesn't want to shower then she will be dirty... .and maybe friends will tell her so... .that is the consequence. For day to day I would not say anything. Maybe if you were planning a special outing or dinner you could request that she be neat and clean.

I think what you really have to incorporate into your approach is natural consequences... .my dd has issues with getting to school on time... .I let the school deal with that by giving detention. My dd doesn't allows dress right... .the school deals with this because there is a dress code.

Reducing the conflict is key. Stop controling every aspect of her life. Reduce your expectations. Any attempt to do a job should be acknowledged and appreciated. Be less judgemental... .your dd already probably has low self esteem... .find ways to build that up.

I know at one time a had a behavior agreement... .we picked three things that were important and addressed those alone. You need to pick your battles and you need to lower the bar a bit.

[chooselove]

Great post, jellibeans.  Reminds me of a time when I dealt with an alcoholic in my life. Things really started to change when I quit nagging him and let him pull himself out of his own predicaments. Because I detached and stopped being fearful and upset with him, he was able to see the problem was his own doing, and he quit blaming me. When we jump into the frying pan with them, it's easier to identify us as the problem.