We don't know what we should do

[twendy]

Help

my son  (27) has been granted funding for therapeutic Community admission. We were feeling great about this. however, now he has befriended a woman with 3 children, (she has schizo affective bipolar & 2 children with autism) he has left his g/f of 4 yrs and daughter aged 3.  He is saying now it is our poison and abuse of 27 years he is running away from.  

my heart is saying write a time line of his life and show where and when support was given. we are feeling abandoned and hurt.  we don't know what we should do.

his daughter is showing signs of abandonment

will it make matters worse if I write down a timeline of what has happened in the last 2 years, good and bad and show him

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, twendy & 

I'm so sorry for all of the trauma and pain you have been going through with your son; it's awful when our child seems to be self-destructing right before our very eyes, and we just can't figure out how to help him. Believe me, all of the members of the Parenting a Child Board know exactly how you are feeling, and can understand your confusion and sadness... .

I'm not sure if writing out that timeline will help you at all; right now he believes that you are the source of his own pain, and seeing his situation through that perception will probably not allow him to understand your points in that timeline correctly. It will just probably come across to him as invalidating of his feelings and beliefs about his life, and maybe even make him be less willing to contact you in the future.

For now, is it possible for you to know in your heart that you have been a good Mom, and that you and your family has been supportive and loving, even though he doesn't see that right now? We've all gone through this torture, twendy... .It would be a good thing for you to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page, and read the TOOLS and THE LESSONS, to get a better understanding of how his mind is working, and what you can do to figure out how to make things better with your relationship with him.

This link will take you to several Feature Articles that will really help you understand the situation you are in right now with your son: When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder, and every one of them (whether your son is currently in Treatment or not) are very eye-opening. Can you let us know if you have any questions about any of the information at the links?

Please stay with us, tell us more of your situation, and ask any questions you may have. We're here for you, and want to help, twendy 

[qcarolr]

will it make matters worse if I write down a timeline of what has happened in the last 2 years, good and bad and show him

From my experience with my BPDDD28, this is very likely to make matters worse. It is extremely hard to do, but stepping back entirely for a bit may give you a better perspective. This also gives you time to check out the resources here and start practicing. The other valuable thing I have learned here and with others in my support network -- I cannot create changes in my DD. All I can do is search for opportunities ( which you have done for your son over and over ) and love her wholeheartedly ass he chooses what to do with them. Then find ways to sincerely take care of myself - meet my needs away from my child. This helps so much.

When you want to re-establish contact it may be good to write to him. In the book "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr she shares such a letter. Parents here have used it to open the door with their NC BPDkids. Do not expect an immediate response, or initially a positive response. It just cracks the door.

My dh and I chose to gain custody of our gd9 when she was around a year old. DD had gone off with her friends, though she pretended to be an able mom with her friends blaming us for 'stealing my daughter'. There are several levels of involvement with our grandkids. There are parents here that have made these varied choices. The important thing is to keep as connected as possible as a loving, stable influence in their lives. This applies to any child that you have a connection to. They will thank you later. I hope other grandparents will post a reply sharing their unique choices.

Please keep coming back to let us know how things are going -- within yourself and in your relationships with you family. We understand.

qcr

[MammaMia]

twendy

I agree with the others that writing down anything that invalidates your BPDs will only be a source for trouble. His warped perspective will never allow him to believe anything you say about the past.

This may seem crazy, but what I have done is to validate my BPDs' feelings about his past (even though I know it is not real, it is VERY real to him). Write this down and keep it vague. Tell him you are so sorry he feels the way he does, that you did the best you could under the circumstances, and that you never meant to hurt him. Tell him you love him dearly and you are sorry he feels you have failed him. Respect his feelings and then back off... .

Your BPDs will probably view this as a positive step toward validating his feelings and accepting responsibility without defining exactly what he thinks you have done. Above all, do not argue with him or try to prove he is wrong. When in doubt, say nothing, rather than risk invalidating him.

No guarantees, but it may open the door another inch or two.

[twendy]

It is so painful, I miss my son.  His ex g/f is devastated, unbelievably every word she says or writes is like every record every made of a BPD break up.  I don't know how to help her.

such utter despair and destruction.  topped off with him not paying maintenance for their daughter (3) and taking away their dog who gd3 adored like a sibling.

it feels more heart breaking than a death, at least there is a result, finality, ending. There is a tangible finish.  but this is pure torture.

part of me is like phew I can breathe and do something without fear I have inadvertently upset him by something I did or didn't say or do, but the sheer enormity of her sadness is too overwhelming.  it has been a month.  I want to help, it is my nature, but I cant. I keep searching for assistance and therapy, would hypnotherapy work? 

their daughter is the most beautiful, adoring little girl, but the hatred of the other woman and my son is taunting and tainting their whole life causing utter deep sadness

[qcarolr]

twendy, has there been any legal action about custody of your gd? Is it possible for a time of no contact between the exgf and your ds? This might help with the transition for your gd, certainly if your ds contacts are abusive to either exgf or gd. This most likely would make ds more intent on blaming all of you for his own distress. Sounds like the new family is pushing his perception of "PTSD" causing his distress. He cannot own it -- he can only project it. There is little or no self-reflection at this point.

Things often change in the opposite direction. This is part of the BPD personality. Be prepared - this switch to being in  the "white" can create an unrealistic happy. This disease is cyclical. Understanding all this information about BPD in our minds does not make the emotional impact go away. It hopefully can lead to working through the grieving process you are in the midst of. The patterns of this grief are similar to other kinds of grief except there really is not long term 'finality'.

It is so messy living with a loved one in the midst of this side of BPD. Hang in there. Continue to seek a therapist with experience with BPD families. If there is a NAMI group in your area or a BPD Family Connections group this could also be really helpful. Informative and supportive. How is your dh reacting to this? Figuring out your core values and the boundaries that protect these is a first step. If you want to include the exgf in this process - even inviting her to visit the "leaving" board. There is also lots of support as a sudden single parent on the "Co-Parenting" Board.

Take care of yourself,

qcr