I would like to run this past you and ask what you think

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have just been reading the thread about the unpredictability of BPD and rather than hi-jack that thread I am starting a new one.

For new people I will sum up the difficulty as briefly as I can.

Eldest DD has longstanding issues. She is 34 and things are much, much better now than when she was in her 20s (History of self-harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders,aggression).

All that remains are emotional dis-regulation and volatile relationships.

At Christmas there was a huge fall-out which started with her snooping through her sister's e-mail and confronting her (trying to keep this short).

Her younger sister said she was not going to have further contact (long history of older DD interfering in her friendships etc etc)

Elder daughter felt I was not on her side and broke contact with me until May (I had to work v hard using advice here and Virginia Porr's advice to re-establish contact and start to see grandchildren again).

From May until now I have been seeing grandchildren but it has been treated as a "contact" visit and DD has been very cold towards me-quite verbally rude at times.

She has just given birth to her 4th child.

Suddenly I am no longer painted black-I am getting friendly texts, she is warm and friendly and inviting me to visit.

However I am not supposed to tell her sister that she has been pregnant and given birth.

Only contact between the 2 sisters is that DD2 sent birthday presents for her nephews and neices. DD! didn't acknowledge them but didn't return them.

I have been coping with this by not mentioning daughters to each other and keeping my relationship with each of them separate.

They are starting to mention each other to me. DD2 had 30th birthday and said she was disappointed not to get card from the kids.

DD1 is occasionally dropping her sister into conversation as if nothing is wrong, although when she got the children's birthday presents she threatened to destroy them at first.

I feel uncomfortable.

This does seem a small issue compared to a lot of things posted on here-but would you continue to keep completely out of it-is there anything else I can do?

[lever.]

I have just been reading the thread about the unpredictability of BPD and rather than hi-jack that thread I am starting a new one.

For new people I will sum up the difficulty as briefly as I can.

Eldest DD has longstanding issues. She is 34 and things are much, much better now than when she was in her 20s (History of self-harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders,aggression).

All that remains are emotional dis-regulation and volatile relationships.

At Christmas there was a huge fall-out which started with her snooping through her sister's e-mail and confronting her (trying to keep this short).

Her younger sister said she was not going to have further contact (long history of older DD interfering in her friendships etc etc)

Elder daughter felt I was not on her side and broke contact with me until May (I had to work v hard using advice here and Virginia Porr's advice to re-establish contact and start to see grandchildren again).

From May until now I have been seeing grandchildren but it has been treated as a "contact" visit and DD has been very cold towards me-quite verbally rude at times.

She has just given birth to her 4th child.

Suddenly I am no longer painted black-I am getting friendly texts, she is warm and friendly and inviting me to visit.

However I am not supposed to tell her sister that she has been pregnant and given birth.

Only contact between the 2 sisters is that DD2 sent birthday presents for her nephews and neices. DD! didn't acknowledge them but didn't return them.

I have been coping with this by not mentioning daughters to each other and keeping my relationship with each of them separate.

They are starting to mention each other to me. DD2 had 30th birthday and said she was disappointed not to get card from the kids.

DD1 is occasionally dropping her sister into conversation as if nothing is wrong, although when she got the children's birthday presents she threatened to destroy them at first.

I feel uncomfortable.

This does seem a small issue compared to a lot of things posted on here-but would you continue to keep completely out of it-is there anything else I can do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

lever... .I know you are sometimes in the middle and that is when things have gone very wrong. I would stay as neutral as possible. Don't take the bait... .let them figure this out on their own. With the holidays approaching do you forsee some issues arising?I think you are doing the right thing by working on your relationship with both.

[lever.]

Thanks jellibeans - you are confirming what I'm thinking. I just feel slightly uncomfortable seeing DD2 and not even mentioning that the new baby exists.

I think I'm off the hook this Christmas as both daughters are going to their in-laws on Christmas day itself and I can invite them separately on days near to Christmas.

Only a matter of time until an awkward situation arises though.

I've said before that the argument was almost entirely of DDwBPD's making-other daughter just decided that she had finally crossed the line.

I'm happy that things are turning a corner in my relationship with my eldest daughter but feel a bit disloyal to her sister who has taken a lot over the years and not really done much wrong.

This seems to be a situation where any attempt to fix things will backfire-I will try to discipline myself to keep up the approach I've been taking-at least it isn't making things worse.

[jellibeans]

lever

focus less at who is to blame... your older dd might not have done anything wrong but I truly believe we all have a part some how. We can't change our dd... .the best we can do is try and change ourselves. I hope your older dd understands this and makes more of an effort in the furture but it is not your fight to fight. Stay the path and you will get through.

[lever.]

Yes-I have an attachment to judging and "fairness" which isn't helping and is causing me stress-it will be a lot easier if I let go of it.

DH is even worse than I am in this respect.  Your insight is very helpful jellibeans.

I have often felt bad for younger DD (non BPD) and felt we haven't been able to protect her from consequences of her sisters illness-but they are both adults now and will deal with this as they see fit.

I wonder what siblings of people with BPD would say?

[chooselove]

You are really in a tough spot.  Unless your DD2 is naturally empathetic and forgiving there will be some hurt when the news of the new baby eventually reaches her and it seems the longer it goes on the more she may feel hurt and left out simply (in her mind) because she was trying to be healthy.   Yet, I can understand choosing to appease DD1 (if I have this right, the one with BPD) because the cost is greater for you to go against her wishes and she would likely go NC again and you'd lose all that you worked so hard to regain.   If it were me, I would still honor DD1's request but at the right time I would tell her that I think she should tell DD2 about the baby so at least you can tell DD2 once she does find out that you tried to get DD1 to tell her... .but that you didn't see it as your place to intervene. 

[lever.]

Thanks chooselove, Yes eldest DD is the one with BPD. I hate mentioning her sister to her as its a red rag to a bull but I'm going to tell her that I'm going to tell her sister about the baby. Other family members know and DD2 will hear about it anyway. I just feel too uncomfortable to not say anything.

Jellibean's point about letting go of who is at fault is very helpful to me though.

I don't want to tell either of them to contact the other one as I'm trying not to intervene. I know it isn't in the same league as suicide attempts etc but I hate this!