Boundaries- Is this reasonable? Not sure how to respond

[Sluggo]

I had a different thread going but somehow I lost it and can't figure out where it is.  If a moderator or ambassador sees where this should go then feel free to transfer it over.  my wife left with kids to hotel, now back in home, I was asked to leave home but now back. 

this is the email I got today from my BPDw.  As part of the agreement for living back together again I agreed to this demand 'I would look at my email out in the open' as she always feared if I was looking at my phone in the closet or bathroom. [(i] I probably got to the point of looking at it there because my wife would say I shouldn't ever be on the phone when at home and if I was then it needed to be in her presence.  So I just started 'avoiding' the issue rather than dealing up front with it so to avoid her anger.  [/i]) 

I said I would be more open about reading email as I shouldn't have avoided the conflict in the first place... .now she is taking a step further.  I think that I should have never given into the first demand as now there is an additional demand. 

   

Good morning,

TRUST

You told me that you will never share any password of ur emails because u don't trust me. I totally understand why you're doing it. I paying for the behaviors that u didn't like about me. Everything in life has consequence. This is the consequences for my poor behaviors. Once u lose the trust on somebody is hard to give back. I know that feeling on no trusting someone too. U can continue doing it as long as u want it.

When I came to USA you told me that I didn't need to have my own email address because I can use yours. I always follow/obey what u told me to believe & do. U read my emails without my permission all the time. The excuse was that because I didn't know how to use the computer well, them was because we didn't have a computer, them because I didn't have time to do it daily. Over & u did it. I feel like I wasn't allow to have privacy but a the same time I feel like u deserved to see anything. That's why I allow to do it.

Looks like it this is the list that we are not allowed to share because it's part of our privacy:

1. locking the phone.

2. No sharing passwords from email, Facebook

3. Having a lock journal

I just wanted to let u know that I'm going to change the password in my email address. I lock my phone. I'm going to create a Facebook account. I deserve privacy too. This is not a revenge but I realized that certains things need to keep private for the other spouses eye. I'm just trying to be healthy like u.

We need to do something about joint calendar because I have under my email address. I think it's important to share calendars but if think isn't a good idea. I'm fine having separate calendars too. Just let me know!

Love,

wife's name

TRUST part too,

U took actions Because u loss trust on me. Like I said before I totally understand where u coming from.

Because I loss trust on u I'm going to take actions too. Once u get home I want u leave ur phone charging by ur bed side. I don't want u carry ur phone in ur pocket at all with u are in home, specially in places like the bathroom & closet. If u need to use ur phone u need to do it in a public area where everybody specially me can hear & see u.

The same thing is with the use of a computer. U need to use the computer in a public area where everybody can see it. Also, I don't want to wake up during the night & see using ur phone. It's not any reason to do use ur phone while everyone is sleeping.

I'm not going to prompt u anymore about what r u doing in the phone or computer. The more u freely share what r u doing in the phone or computer the more I'll become interested in ur stuff but the more u keep things for yourself the more I'll keep untrusted you. Ur choice. Like I said before we paid consequences for all our actions.

Love,

wife's name



I feel like I should say... .No I will have my phone all the time and said I will be more conscious about looking at the phone when in the closet or bathroom.  I wouldn't look at anything in particular - news, facebook post, company email, etc. 

[terranova79]

I don't think this is reasonable.  It strikes me as manipulative and retaliatory--like she's just playing games with you.  I think with BPDs you need to draw firm lines and say no to this kind of stuff.  If your BPDw is at all like my uBPDw, she'll make sure there's hell to pay for establishing boundaries, but better to do it on smaller things at first to set the precedent.