I want him back, but so scared

[whtjusthappened]

My bf and I started to have problems in the Spring, and I found out in the Summer that he had been cheating on me. He had detached from me very abruptly, without warning, and it was shocking and bizarre. We had been together ten years, but lived separately.  After I found out about the affair, things were awful.  He was even more detached, cruel really, and started doing the push/pull thing severely.  I went through pure Hell with him these last few months, until about a week ago, he had a change of heart.  I had told him that I could no longer allow him to victimize me with his detached indecision, and that I was going to start dating.  This wasn't a pure manipulation, in that it was true.  As much as I loved him, I couldn't take being treated so poorly.  He knew his behavior was horrible, and said he felt like he had not control over it.  He would want to be with me, but then he would be filled with ambivalence and worry.  He felt ashamed of how he had hurt me, and was scared that because he didn't really understand why he cheated, he was afraid he would do it again, and hurt me all over.  He has seemed like quite a mess from what I can gather from friends and family.  We never exactly broke up, but we haven't been together either.  He asked when my date was, and I told him the truth, and a little about the guy.  Well, that was it.  The texts and the calls that I had been longing for all these months, finally started coming.  He said he was terrified to lose me, and that he was absolutely freaked out that I was going to move on from him.

I don't know about this, because back in March, I confronted him about my suspicion that he was cheating, and he lied.  By May, he was begging forigiveness  for being rotten to me, and saying how much he loved me. One month later,  found out he was cheating.  How do I know if he really wants me back and understands what he did, or if it's just a BPD panic that I am abandoning him by dating?

[maxen]

hi whtjusthappened. you've been put through a terrible time and you have all my sympathy. the behaviors you describe are characteristic of BPD, though nobody here can give an official  diagnosis. while he seems to recognize the content of his actions, they may indeed be motivated not by moral realization but by the abandonment fears that are so strong in pwBPD. you say that "he didn't really understand why he cheated". are there any signs that he has any awareness of his emotional situation? have you suggested couples counseling?

[whtjusthappened]

Thank you for your response Maxen.  We went  to therapy once, while he was still ambivalent and distant, and it was horrible.  The therapist starting spouting off a lot of couples' theory, and said how she wasn't about punishing infidelity but understanding what was wrong in the relationship.  She didn't seem to realize how for a lot of individuals with PD's, it doesn't necessarily have to do with relationship problems, but rather, can be a response to unconscious abandonment fears etc.  It was a ridiculous ___-show really, and if anything, made him feel even less responsible for his horrible behavior.