Seeing my lawyer Thursday... what to ask for?

[Indyan]

I'm 100% aware that I desperately need BOUNDARIES.

I feel that it's a question of survival. We've been in hell for 5 months, and the kids and I need PEACE at last.

But I'm not sure what to ask for, although I guess my lawyer will tell me what sounds reasonable or not.

I'd still like your experience on this.

Baby's only 10 months, but if I don't give a night away, BPD will turn nasty.

So, I'm thinking of Saturday 6PM to Sunday 6PM.

He doesn't drive, and I may propose to drop baby off because I don't want to see his horrible family at my house anymore.

Not sure I can propose this.

And for the rest, I'm not sure. Baby was born in January, so I could propose Xmas vs Birthday ?

The summer holidays worry me lots, 2 weeks or a full month away... .poor baby... .

[Panda39]

Baby's only 10 months, but if I don't give a night away, BPD will turn nasty.

So, I'm thinking of Saturday 6PM to Sunday 6PM.

Stop worrying about what your ex will think and feel what do you want? Ask for what you want.  If you don't want over nights for the baby say so (I don't think that's unreasonable for a young child)

He doesn't drive, and I may propose to drop baby off because I don't want to see his horrible family at my house anymore.

Do you feel safe going to his place?  Would his family be there?  I suggest exchanges in a public place - police station?  The fact that he doesn't drive isn't your problem he's an adult if he wants to see the baby he'll get where he needs to.

The summer holidays worry me lots, 2 weeks or a full month away... .poor baby... .

  Again what do you want during the summer?  With a 10 month old does the regular schedule you establish even need to change over the summer?

[ForeverDad]

No, you don't need to have them come to your home.

For several years we had exchanges at the local sheriff's office.  Ex of course was posturing as The Victim, but it was good for me too because then she couldn't play games.  If she was a no-show then I could file a report right there.  Later, once the entitlement had cooled a bit and it was too far out of the way to meet there, we switched to restaurant parking lots midway between our residences.

Also, ponder what options conditions you need to set for exchanges.  Typically there is a window period.  In my county it is a half hour and if any later due to traffic or weather then the person is to call with details.  Ponder what the order should say about failed exchanges.  If he doesn't show up for exchanges then what?  (Do not feel obligated to make a lot of adjustments to the order.  My ex would guilt me, then use those changes against me and then when I complained to lawyer he would gruffly reply, "Stop deviating from the order!"  You don't want to show up and wait and find out he doesn't show up, especially in bad weather.  The order should handle that scenario.

[Grey Kitty]

I read this from your other thread:

The locks: I need to ask my L if I'm legally entitled to this

The lease: I can't change it as I don't have a job yet (I was on maternity leave when BPD chose to blow a fuse).

The police: He would say that it's his house legally (he's on the lease)

A new house: I'm trying, I've applied for social estate, but it takes time... .

Describe this to your lawyer, and then, tell your lawyer that you want to be living in an apartment without him on the lease, without giving him any rights to be in the apartment or have a key.

And that you want sufficient child support / spousal support to keep you able to live in an apartment and pay for the baby's needs plus your own.

[Indyan]

You don't want to show up and wait and find out he doesn't show up, especially in bad weather.  The order should handle that scenario.

I need to find a way to make him feel that it's ok if he doesn't take baby. 

I know that sometimes he has very low lows and will not be "in the mood" to look after a baby.

Feeling obliged may be counter productive.

But yes he should let me know in advance.

[Indyan]

And that you want sufficient child support / spousal support to keep you able to live in an apartment and pay for the baby's needs plus your own.

We aren't married so I don't think he'll pay "more" for the house 

[maxen]

I need to find a way to make him feel that it's ok if he doesn't take baby.

i don't know what success you'll have in making him feel a thing. while i'm meticulous about considering the emotions of others, figuring how to do this would be a burden on you that you don't need. remember, part of a lawyer's job is to do the communicating. that was the great relief i had in my d: i wouldn't have to deal with my w again directly.

[ForeverDad]

I need to find a way to make him feel that it's ok if he doesn't take baby.

I don't know what success you'll have in making him feel a thing. While I'm meticulous about considering the emotions of others, figuring how to do this would be a burden on you that you don't need. Remember, part of a lawyer's job is to do the communicating. that was the great relief I had in my d: I wouldn't have to deal with my w again directly.

Even been to the amusement park and played Whack-a-Mole?  No matter how many time you hit the mole it popped up again and again.  That's almost how it is with attempts to avoid triggering someone who is disordered, especially one with acting-out behaviors.  We can try to minimize the triggering but we have to accept that it is not only "us", anything and everything can be a trigger.

Years ago before we separated, I would come home not knowing who I would meet.  I could leave a ranting maniac in the morning and come home to a calm spouse.  I could leave a calm spouse in the morning and come home to a raging stranger on the rampage.  I recall one time I came home to a calm spouse but as she sat down on the sofa to tell me about something, it reminded her of something else and before my eyes her face changed and morphed into my anti-spouse.  She did it by herself, I didn't do anything but listen.

So accept that you may be able to avoid causing some triggering but it will happen with or without you.  In fact, what works now many not work in the future, it's like these chronic immune diseases we have today, some things may work but in time the malady finds a way to reduce the effectiveness.  Unless and until he seeks meaningful therapy and diligently applies it in his thinking and perceptions for the long term and makes real progress then it won't get better.  There will still be some less-conflictual times now and then but he will keep relapsing back to the cycles of poor behavior.

What may work better is to understand the patterns and have strategies to limit the chaos and strife.  Playing defense is a tough life, if you can be proactive and have ways to limit the problems then that would be better. For example, as maxen wrote, let legal and social services systems, court and the lawyers be the "bad guys" that deflect attacks from you.  That's partly what they're there for.  Rather than "I say" use "the order says" or "the court said", etc.

[Grey Kitty]

And that you want sufficient child support / spousal support to keep you able to live in an apartment and pay for the baby's needs plus your own.

We aren't married so I don't think he'll pay "more" for the house 

My question is not "How much will he choose to pay?"

My question (which you should ask your lawyer) is "What is he legally obligated to pay?"

Learn what your legal rights are, and what you will have to do to get what he is legally obligated to give you.

[Indyan]

For example, as maxen wrote, let legal and social services systems, court and the lawyers be the "bad guys" that deflect attacks from you.  That's partly what they're there for.  Rather than "I say" use "the order says" or "the court said", etc.

Good idea - I'll keep that in mind.

What I meant by "I want him to feel it's ok if he doesn't take baby" was "I want him to feel it's ok if he's not CAPABLE of having baby and doesn't have him."

It wasn't about his emotions but about baby's safety!

[Indyan]

Learn what your legal rights are, and what you will have to do to get what he is legally obligated to give you.

I think as we're not married, the answer to this is : nothing.

Child support will be rather low.

[maxen]

What I meant by "I want him to feel it's ok if he doesn't take baby" was "I want him to feel it's ok if he's not CAPABLE of having baby and doesn't have him."

by 'not capable' do you mean "it doesn't fit his schedule" or "hasn't the desired skills" ?

[Indyan]

by 'not capable' do you mean "it doesn't fit his schedule" or "hasn't the desired skills" ?

I mean being at the pit of one of his depressions where he spends the whole week-end in bed or on video games, when he's feeling too tense/anxious/down to see anyone.

I don't know if that's more BPD or schizophrenic/bipolar.