worried about my s12

[lifechangingdecision]

My son and I are in therapy and I thought he was ok. Him and I are very close and talk a lot a about everything. I very recently learned he told 2 teachers and 1 of his friends at school  that me and his dad are getting divorced and all the details of our relationship. He told them his dad has BPD & BP. This concerns me on so many levels. I never said we were getting divorted  UT that's the least of my concerns. That's why I'm taking him to therapy so he has someone private to talk too. He even wrote a school paper a out us fighting n stuff. I don't k ow if he is looking for attention or he's hurt or what. Things are way better between him and his dad since last year and we try our very best not to fight in front of the kids. It's like he can't let last year go and makes his life seem so much worse than what it is. Yes our life is far from perfect but I try my best and go above and beyond for my kids. Thoughts?

[vortex of confusion]

How often does he get to go to therapy? Is there any way he can talk to the counselor at school as well?

Maybe he is telling them because he needs to talk more than what he is getting at the therapist. Also, maybe he is telling them that you are getting divorced because that is what he fears. Or, it could be wishful thinking on his part. All of the stuff going on between you and your spouse have an impact on him and he needs to be able to process this stuff. Even if you two don't fight in front of him, he can sense things. My kids are very perceptive even when I try to protect them from stuff.

Chances are that he has a whole lot of stuff going on in his head, some of it might be about his parents and some of it could be stuff related to growing up. Twelve is middle school and those are rough years no matter what kind of family life you have.

Don't discount his perception. To him, his life might have felt as bad as he is saying it was. Think about it. Don't a lot of us on this forum get upset because people in real life tell us that it isn't that bad. Could you saying that he makes his life seem worse that it was be considered a form of gaslighting?

I have a 13 year old daughter and I know that she sometimes thinks things are worse that I think they are. To her, things are really that bad. I have had discussions with her where she is trying to talk herself out of her feelings. That isn't good. Let him feel his feelings even if you don't agree with his perceptions. Is he telling outright lies? Have you discussed the possibility of divorce or has he heard you mention the possibility of divorce? A year or so ago, my daughter had a premonition that her dad and I were going to get divorced. We didn't but it was definitely a rough year. She stood by her premonition for pretty much the entire year.

I want to send you a great big hug because I know how it feels to try to go above and beyond for your kids but still walk away feeling like you aren't doing enough.   

[lifechangingdecision]

Thank you so much for your reply and helping me to see his side of things. God I sure hope he doesn't think his life is that bad although I feel like mine is horrible with my spouse so maybe he does. He goes to therapy once a week same as me and he also talks to family. He is so smart and I know he doesn't miss a thing.we do lots of fun things together and laugh alot, also he plays sports and it seems like he's ok. Him and I talk privately alot and and I thought I was doing the right things but maybe not. My biggest fear is the repercussions if he told school everything that my H has done to me.

[vortex of confusion]

My biggest fear is the repercussions if he told school everything that my H has done to me.

He is 12, he is probably smart enough to know that there are some things that probably wouldn't be a good idea to talk about. You might even tell him that there are certain things that he shouldn't talk to the school about. If he wants to talk about those things, he should talk to his therapist. I completely understand your fear about him talking about certain things at school. Share that with him and he will probably understand. The main thing is that he has an outlet and a place to share.

Also, keep in mind that he is still developing. The day that he told those things he could have really felt like his life is horrible. I know that there are days when my kids will get upset and say that there lives are horrible. So, don't get too upset. Kids are still learning and can sometimes feel things that we wish they wouldn't. I know that my girls have figured out a whole lot of stuff about how I think and feel without me ever saying a word.

[lifechangingdecision]

So true I know he can read me like a book. I don't have to say a word yet somehow he knows exactly  how I'm feeling. My biggest  worry and fear is that I'm screwing up my kids for life. That's why I don't know if staying or leaving is better. Ugh why does this have to be so hard. I wish I would have known my H mental issues when I first met him. The stress of it all is killing me

[vortex of confusion]

So true I know he can read me like a book. I don't have to say a word yet somehow he knows exactly  how I'm feeling. My biggest  worry and fear is that I'm screwing up my kids for life. That's why I don't know if staying or leaving is better. Ugh why does this have to be so hard. I wish I would have known my H mental issues when I first met him. The stress of it all is killing me

If I had a nickel for every time that I worried about screwing my kids up for life.

If I had known then what I know now, I never ever would have chosen my husband as the father of my kids, no way, no how. But, we didn't know then what we know now. All we can do is try to do the best we can. I have four daughters and I have often wondered if it would be better to leave or stay. My kids love their dad but they are very aware of his issues and are very aware of the impact that it has on me. There is no way to hide some things no matter how hard you try.

It may not amount to much but I know that it sometimes helps just to know that you are not alone. 

[lifechangingdecision]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it and feel less stressed :-) it is so nice to talk to someone who can relate and is in the same situation!