How to reduce contact to a minimum

[Indyan]

I desperately need this... .I'd need to go NC in fact, and not see him EVER AGAIN.

But, of course, there's baby in the middle, poor thing. He seems happy when he sees his dad.

But I'm not, I'm broken and angry.

How can I NOT see nor talk to him anymore?

Can most communication go through the lawyer? I'm scared I'm going to have to see his mad face for the rest of my life   

[Matt]

Do you have a court order setting the schedule?  If not, talk to your attorney about getting temporary orders set - that can happen quickly - then a permanent court order.

I would suggest that you use e-mail for almost everything - not texts, not phone, not face-to-face.  Phone only for true emergencies.

In your e-mails, don't respond to emotions, don't talk about the past, don't talk about anything vague or philosophical.  Just don't respond to that stuff.  Aim for 3 sentences or less, each e-mail focused on one topic.  Facts, information, specific questions, only about the child.

If it doesn't come naturally at first, you can post a rough draft here and see what everybody thinks.  I've done that a few times and there's always a way to boil it down... .

[Indyan]

Yes, my lawyer said she will a temporary order, we'll see this Thursday.

I stopped emails last week, because his emails were too painful for me to read, long, stressful, incoherent.

My question was about physical contact too.

I just can't picture myself seeing BPD every week end, twice, during exchange.

[Matt]

So maybe there need to be some rules about e-mails, written into the temporary orders.

You can't be too extreme about this - if you just don't like reading e-mails from him, you'll have to get over that.

But if there is stuff there that isn't related to the child, you can ask the court to set some boundaries - e-mails should be about the child only, and should always be respectful, etc.  Your lawyer can help you figure out exactly how to say what you want the court to do.

As far as face-to-face contact, if the child is small, it's pretty hard to see how the exchanges can take place without some contact.  But you don't have to talk with him, or be alone with him.  Figure out a public place, like a McDonalds, or even the police station, where there will be people around so you won't be alone with him.  Make it clear that you are not there to chat - anything he needs to tell you should be e-mailed to you.  You are there to hand over the child - period.  If he can't accept that, talk to your lawyer and raise the issue with the court - you don't have to be harassed at each handover.

[Indyan]

Yes, I guess I'll get used to things.

It's just at this stage everything is so crazy that the only thing I want is not to see him ever again - and I can't.

But more than the rest, his family. They've been harassing me at my place for the last few weeks, and I don't ever want to see them again.

Can I ask my L that HE picks up the child, not them?

[Matt]

Can I ask my L that HE picks up the child, not them?

Maybe - a good question to ask your attorney.

And you can also probably ask to have no contact at all with his family, if that's what you want, or no inappropriate contact.  That might go into the temporary orders, or it might be a separate thing - a "no contact" order, or "restraining order", or "order of protection" - they're all similar but it's done differently in different places.  Very common in situations like this - you don't need to make any accusations, just tell your lawyer what your concern is, and you may need to tell the judge too - if you say, "I am not comfortable - they are harassing me - I want no contact with them and I think that will be best for the child too" I think the judge will probably grant it.

Usually courts want to minimize conflict, so if you ask for some reasonable order that will make things work well, the judge is likely to OK it.

[Indyan]

if you say, "I am not comfortable - they are harassing me - I want no contact with them and I think that will be best for the child too" I think the judge will probably grant it.

Usually courts want to minimize conflict, so if you ask for some reasonable order that will make things work well, the judge is likely to OK it.

Thanks - I'll try that then.

I realize I really need to think well before going to see my L.

It's not that simple.

[Matt]

if you say, "I am not comfortable - they are harassing me - I want no contact with them and I think that will be best for the child too" I think the judge will probably grant it.

Usually courts want to minimize conflict, so if you ask for some reasonable order that will make things work well, the judge is likely to OK it.

Thanks - I'll try that then.

I realize I really need to think well before going to see my L.

It's not that simple.

Yes, it's a good idea - especially since attorneys charge by the hour! - to put your thoughts together, and maybe make some notes, before you get together.  You could make a list of questions, and leave spaces between them, to take notes when you get each answer.

Make sure to start by telling your attorney your concerns, and watch to see if she is getting it, or if you need to repeat yourself to make sure she hears what you are saying.

Then ask what options you have;  don't assume she will tell you all the possible ways to proceed.  I found that out in my case, when several people here suggested options that my attorney had never told me about.  When I asked her if those options were available, she said yes, and some of them turned out to be really helpful.

[Indyan]

I'm not too concerned about the cost - I'm entitled for free legal advice (the only advantage of being in the financial sht BPD put me in)

I will ask about the possibilities, especially regarding the summer holidays as baby will only be 1,5 yr old.

[Matt]

So you should be able to get all your questions answered, if you remember them and just keep asking if you don't understand completely.  Things work differently in different places so everything we talk about here could be correct or could be different there.  (I'm in the US, but even here, things are different from state to state... .)

[sanemom]

Does your child go to daycare?  You could have him pick him up there instead of a face-to-face situation with you.  Once he is in school, the pick up/drop off can be at the school.  Just an idea... .

Get Bill Eddy's BIFF book to help you with the email part.  Most of what you are reading is akin to the adults in the Peanuts cartoons... .you just need to learn to find the nuggets worth responding to.

[Indyan]

Does your child go to daycare?  You could have him pick him up there instead of a face-to-face situation with you.  Once he is in school, the pick up/drop off can be at the school.  Just an idea... .

Yes, but BPD lives 10min drive away and doesn't drive.

Also, at the moment I'm not that keen about him knowing where the nanny is... .

[purple01]

You can always use a website the court has access to called Our Family Wizard, to email each other.

[Indyan]

You can always use a website the court has access to called Our Family Wizard, to email each other.

Thanks   I have found the equivalent to this in my home country.