Codependent single mom of beautiful daughter with BPD traits

[Anasoleil]

Hello,

My lovely, sensitive 13-year old daughter has BPD traits (diagnosed). We spent this past summer in hell, while she repeatedly attempted or threatened to attempt suicide, resulting in multiple ER visits and two separate week-long hospitalizations.

I have codependent tendencies and found myself fully engaged with her behaviour to the point where it consumed me. Things improved and she started high school in September. She's been doing very well for the past couple of months, but recently has had a few episodes that took me by surprise. I guess I was expecting things to continue to improve without setbacks.

She has a really good therapist whom she sees every week, but it seems that she doesn't practice the things she works on on therapy. I know that I am codependent by the way I become triggered, enmeshed and upset and try to fix her. I am constantly on her, trying to teach her how to fix herself. It's exhausting and although recognize my codependency, I have a very difficult time breaking the habit. My fear is that by stepping back, she WILL hurt herself or kill herself when she is feeling so emotionally triggered.

I guess I just need some support, coaching, tips on what works and what doesn't work from those who have been or are in my shoes. My daughter has been doing really well, but her recent episodes have discouraged us both. She says I expect too much from her and I want to learn what is the best way for me to support her, but not necessarily do what she wants me to do.

Thanks for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

HI anasoliel and welcome

You have come to the right place for support. Everybody on the parents board has gone through or is going through something that can relate to you.

I am sorry that you are struggling right now,and if I understand your post correctly,it appears to be you who are actually having the most difficult time, is that correct?

I understand where you are coming from, I too am a fixer. I feel very deeply and when my BPD is in crisis , so am I. I feel every single ounce of pain and anquish with her, and I spent many years trying to fix her.

The best resource I have ever found is this board. the lessons and tools to the right of the board are so helpful. They take practice, but the more you use them, the easier it becomes.  Education is key, so learn everything that you can, and if it's possible, therapy for yourself.

please keep us updated on your progress and that of your DD. We are here to support you, and we really do care. Take care  of you.

[jellibeans]

Dear  Anasoleil

I am sorry you are struggling so with your dd. You have come to the right place. Can you give us a bit more detail about her relapse? This is really common with BPD... .it is always two steps forward and one back. Times where things are good then a relapse and crisis again.

Have you read any of the articles to the right? They are very helpful. I found this site 2 years ago and it is the one thing that got me through some hard times. My dd started to really have issues around the age of 12 or 13 as well. Once she hit high school things just got worse. She is 17 now and she is doing better but there are always going to be those steps backwards.

I try to look for the patterns and try to anticipate problems. School is a big stressor for my dd and we changed schools a few times. She will graduate this year and I think she is mananging well at school but it is hard for her. If school is a stressor I would look for a different school. Online or charter school.

Tell us a bit more... .we are here for you.

[donnab]

Hello,

My lovely, sensitive 13-year old daughter has BPD traits (diagnosed). We spent this past summer in hell, while she repeatedly attempted or threatened to attempt suicide, resulting in multiple ER visits and two separate week-long hospitalizations.

I have codependent tendencies and found myself fully engaged with her behaviour to the point where it consumed me. Things improved and she started high school in September. She's been doing very well for the past couple of months, but recently has had a few episodes that took me by surprise. I guess I was expecting things to continue to improve without setbacks.

She has a really good therapist whom she sees every week, but it seems that she doesn't practice the things she works on on therapy. I know that I am codependent by the way I become triggered, enmeshed and upset and try to fix her. I am constantly on her, trying to teach her how to fix herself. It's exhausting and although recognize my codependency, I have a very difficult time breaking the habit. My fear is that by stepping back, she WILL hurt herself or kill herself when she is feeling so emotionally triggered.

I guess I just need some support, coaching, tips on what works and what doesn't work from those who have been or are in my shoes. My daughter has been doing really well, but her recent episodes have discouraged us both. She says I expect too much from her and I want to learn what is the best way for me to support her, but not necessarily do what she wants me to do.

Thanks for reading.

Welcome Anasoleil   I think developing codependency issues comes with the territory. I realised about 2 years ago I was codependent and it has taken a long time to detach with love. It's still hard and I think of my daughter's struggles all of the time, but it is no longer all consuming. It does get easier, but my daughter is now 21. I used to go to coda & alanon for support. The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is work on your codependency issues and get well to cope with the trial you will go through with your daughter x

[momtara]

I think it's normal to be codependent in that situation.  Where do you draw the line in helping someone to not hurt him/herself?  You have to be on the ball.  I think you deserve a break today - a nice massage or a bath.    Maybe I'm just being a codependent single mom myself, but I wanted to make sure you know you're a good mom. 

[Anasoleil]

Thank you all for your replies.  My dd´s therapist suggested I read ¨Codependent No More¨, and I´m finding it helpful to begin the process of separating myself from my dd emotionally.  We have been very close since her dad left, and looking back I realize that both of our struggles with the separation creating the codependency that exists, perhaps even the BP tendencies. 

Today there was another crisis, actually a continuation of last night.  It seems that she struggles so much with issues of self esteem and acceptance by her peers, and now that her dad is planning to move in with his girlfriend, she is showing more and more volatility.  But it only shows up when she is with me, never with her dad.  So I conclude that my response must be reinforcing her behaviour so I am using all of my strength to resist doing the same thing I always do - rescuing.

My dd threatens suicide when she is in full crisis, locks herself into the bathroom and blocks the door with the vanity drawer, and críes and says she wants to die, making noises like she is hurting herself, or climbing up onto the roof saying she will jump.  I´ve spent so much time in ER´s talking to nurses, doctors and psychs, and although suicide is always a risk, in my heart I don´t believe she wants to die, and neither does her therapist. 

What she does want to do is engage me in some kind of messed up validating dance that somehow proves that I love her because I stop her from hurting herself.  When she is in crisis it is about no one loving her, her friends are pretending to like her, her dad and his girlfriend, or me and my boyfriend, would be better off, happier, etc. if she wasn´t around.  There is no arguing with her in those times.  She won´t respond to me, but at the same time she wants me to do something to stop her, because any other parent would call 911 or do something to stop their child. 

But today I did something different.  I did not panic when she locked herself in the bathroom, bang on the door and try frantically to get in to stop her.  Today I talked to her through the door, a little, but mostly sat nearby and listened.  I offered to talk.  I invited her to open the door.  I also reminded her of all the people that care about her.  When she asked me why I wasn´t stopping her, I asked her why she wasn´t stopping herself, why she was choosing to hurt herself.

Not long afterward she came out, angry, headed for the back door and presumably to climb up on the roof.  I did not follow her.  She came back inside and turned on the TV.  She had used a pair of scissors to make superficial cuts on her arm while she was in the bathroom.

I know I´m rambling but I am trying to figure out if me changing my response is going to make any difference.  I had to learn to extract myself from my ex-husband´s drama a few years ago, so finding myself learning those same lessons with my daughter is very unnerving.

I´ll keep reading and learning, but advice is welcome from those who have walked this path before me.

Peace and love.

Anasoleil

[momtara]

This is scary because you are making a zillion important decisions every minute.  If you show tough love, will it help her, or will it hurt her and will you regret it?  It's impossible to know.  You really need someone helping you.  I know you and she have therapists; maybe you need to see them more often or talk to someone else.  You shouldn't have to be handling this alone.  I am dealing with a BPD exH and always think I can control the situation or deal with it on my own.  Sometimes I can't.

You seem smart.  People dealing with a BPD relative become brilliant at trying to figure out other people.  So far you have done fine - your daughter is alive.  But it is so hard to make all these little choices constantly!

[tristesse]

anasoliel you are doing a great job ! I agree with momtara that perhaps more frequent visits to the therapist would be helpful.

I would also suggest a book, it's called " I Hate you Don't leave me " and then there is STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. I would read them both and in that order. They have helped me gain a tremendous amount of insight.

Obviously your new approach was a success, this time it worked, and you did fantastic. Do not be surprised, however, if next time, it does not work. She may decide to push harder as she sees that she isn't getting the reaction she wants. My DD will get more extreme to get a more extreme reaction. Not always, but sometimes. I just encourage you to keep up the effort, you are doing a good job and you are a good mom.

[jellibeans]

Anasoleil

I think you really hit the nail on the head when you tried something different... .I really think that is key. Falling into the old habits and same responses result in the same responses from your dd. Good for you for remaining calm. This is so important and I know when I can remain calm then I will have a better chance of resolving the conflict at hand.

I want to suggest the book by Valerie Porr... Overcoming BPD and family guide. If you read one book read this one. I can't tell you how it impacted me and my interactions with my dd17.

When your dd is in crisis remind her that this will pass... .she will not feel like this tomorrow and to try and ride it out until then. I feel that pwBPD have a real issue with time... .they get stuck in the moment and feel that they will feel this way for ever or that they can't tolerate or cope with the way they are feeling... .try and remind her that things will get better.

Be hopeful Anasoleil... .do are doing great.