Everything about him annoys me--too little too late

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am working on a long term plan to leave. In the meantime, we are still together living in the same house, coparenting, and sharing the same space. I have noticed lately that everything he does annoys me. I know that it isn't fair to him. I try to fight these feelings so I can maintain some level of peacefulness at home. I feel like a walking ball of confusion some days. Some days, I feel like I must be the one that has BPD. I can see myself in so many of the things that people are posting about their partners with BPD traits. Have I always been this way? I don't think so. I feel like I tried super hard to support him and love him and meet him where he was no matter what happened. It has only been in the last year or so that I feel like I have fallen down this rabbit hole of being disgusted and annoyed by him. Prior to that, I was able to excuse his behaviors and be nice. I don't know what snapped in me and I don't know how to deal with having such negative feelings towards somebody that I thought was my life partner.

The really frustrating thing for me is that he seems to be really trying. It is like the meaner I am, the more he tries. Now, he is doing a lot of the things that I have been asking him to do for years. It isn't perfect but he is making an effort. Every time I find myself relaxing a bit and getting hopeful that maybe things will stick this time, I think about all of the times that I relaxed and let things go for the sake of peace or the relationship or the kids. I can't relax this time. As a result, when he does something little, it makes me mad and happy at the same time. I am happy that he is finally doing something but it makes me mad because it feels like too little too late. And, I feel like it is all a show to get me sucked back in. I don't trust him at all. What is worse, I don't trust myself either.

Does anybody have any thoughts or input? Has anybody else dealt with this?

[vortex of confusion]

I am working on a long term plan to leave. In the meantime, we are still together living in the same house, coparenting, and sharing the same space. I have noticed lately that everything he does annoys me. I know that it isn't fair to him. I try to fight these feelings so I can maintain some level of peacefulness at home. I feel like a walking ball of confusion some days. Some days, I feel like I must be the one that has BPD. I can see myself in so many of the things that people are posting about their partners with BPD traits. Have I always been this way? I don't think so. I feel like I tried super hard to support him and love him and meet him where he was no matter what happened. It has only been in the last year or so that I feel like I have fallen down this rabbit hole of being disgusted and annoyed by him. Prior to that, I was able to excuse his behaviors and be nice. I don't know what snapped in me and I don't know how to deal with having such negative feelings towards somebody that I thought was my life partner.

The really frustrating thing for me is that he seems to be really trying. It is like the meaner I am, the more he tries. Now, he is doing a lot of the things that I have been asking him to do for years. It isn't perfect but he is making an effort. Every time I find myself relaxing a bit and getting hopeful that maybe things will stick this time, I think about all of the times that I relaxed and let things go for the sake of peace or the relationship or the kids. I can't relax this time. As a result, when he does something little, it makes me mad and happy at the same time. I am happy that he is finally doing something but it makes me mad because it feels like too little too late. And, I feel like it is all a show to get me sucked back in. I don't trust him at all. What is worse, I don't trust myself either.

Does anybody have any thoughts or input? Has anybody else dealt with this?

[grayarea]

I know how you feel as I'm in a similar situation except we're not married and no kids together, but I am also on the leaving side of the fence and everything my partner does annoys me too.  Like you, I used to be so supportive, loving and understanding but I don't feel that way anymore.  To be quite honest, I was plain pathetic at one point - I was determined to stand by his side no matter what - I loved him soo much and wanted nothing except for him to happy.  I used to make excuses too and accept a lot of crap and I mean TONS of it, but now every little thing, things that aren't even BPD related annoy me.  I also recognize it's not fair and then I feel bad sometimes because I think all that's left is my pity for him.  Over 10 years, he managed to kill the love I had for him - it's gone forever.  I know I care about him as a person and that is why I still am around.  My partner isn't trying hard all the time, but I can tell when he does and it means nothing at this point - I do think it is just a way to keep us sucked in.  Like he can sense when I'm about to tell him to get out.  I've been basically supporting him financially since we met.  Recently he finally got his act together and got a good job so I see him trying to help in that area, but it's too little too late.  I don't care that he filled up the refrigerator - so what?  I've been doing for my entire adult life! I think I'm over the trying - I just need a partner who can and will JUST DO IT!

[Perdita]

Some days, I feel like I must be the one that has BPD. I can see myself in so many of the things that people are posting about their partners with BPD traits. Have I always been this way? I don't think so. I feel like I tried super hard to support him and love him and meet him where he was no matter what happened. It has only been in the last year or so that I feel like I have fallen down this rabbit hole of being disgusted and annoyed by him. Prior to that, I was able to excuse his behaviors and be nice. I don't know what snapped in me and I don't know how to deal with having such negative feelings towards somebody that I thought was my life partner.

Vortex, he has turned out not to be much of a life partner.  He changed, you didn't.  He hasn't lived up to his part of the deal while you've been bending over backwards to try and keep him happy.

What we nons go through is nothing short of emotional and mental abuse and in some cases even physical abuse.   Something has change in me too recently.  I don't feel the same about him anymore and that is so sad because I cared so much.  You and I have known for a long time what we are dealing with, but it takes time for all of us to really take it in.  The fog is lifting for us and that's why the anger is now coming out.  Personally, I think it is good that we are feeling angry now.  It means we are moving forward.

Every time I find myself relaxing a bit and getting hopeful that maybe things will stick this time, I think about all of the times that I relaxed and let things go for the sake of peace or the relationship or the kids. I can't relax this time. As a result, when he does something little, it makes me mad and happy at the same time. I am happy that he is finally doing something but it makes me mad because it feels like too little too late. And, I feel like it is all a show to get me sucked back in. I don't trust him at all. What is worse, I don't trust myself either.

It's as if I wrote this.  It's exactly how I feel.

[Perdita]

Over 10 years, he managed to kill the love I had for him - it's gone forever. 

This.  It is so sad when it gets to this point.  That moment you know that you will never have the same feelings for the person again. It's like a death.

[vortex of confusion]

What we nons go through is nothing short of emotional and mental abuse and in some cases even physical abuse.   Something has change in me too recently.  I don't feel the same about him anymore and that is so sad because I cared so much.  You and I have known for a long time what we are dealing with, but it takes time for all of us to really take it in.  The fog is lifting for us and that's why the anger is now coming out.  Personally, I think it is good that we are feeling angry now.  It means we are moving forward.

I kind of feel stupid because I don't think I really understood what I was dealing with until I found this site. Before that, I spent close to 16 years justifying and excusing his behavior. It was easy to do because he always had and excuse and a story. It was so much easier to think "Oh, it is his health." Or "Oh, he just needs this or that and things will be okay." Things haven't always been horrible. There were some good times but there has always been something lingering in the background and I thought was being unreasonable or was making stuff up in my head. It wasn't until I found this site back in September that things started falling into place. I have a journal that I wrote a bunch of stuff in last spring. When I read it, it is like reading a description of BPD.

I have had bursts of anger here and there over the years but never quite like this. I think my being annoyed with him is all of the stuff that I suppressed coming out. It is scary to realize how much stuff I overlooked or ignored.

I had a conversation with him last night about his recovery with sex addiction. I told him that I want more. He tells me that he is doing the best he can. It felt really horrible to tell him that his best isn't good enough. That seems so mean. I don't feel like I am a mean person. Even my kids have commented about how nice I am so I don't think it is me twisting reality or not assessing myself correctly.

[vortex of confusion]

Over 10 years, he managed to kill the love I had for him - it's gone forever. 

This.  It is so sad when it gets to this point.  That moment you know that you will never have the same feelings for the person again. It's like a death.

It is very horrible. The feelings that I have for him have slowly diminished over the years. It is weird that I used to crave connection with him (physical, emotional, whatever I could get). I let him get away with a lot and I did some stuff that I now regret just so that I could feel connected to him. I wanted to be held by him or touched (in a non-sexual way). You know, all of the tender sweet stuff. I had been doing those things for him for years but it was rarely returned. I used joke with him and tell him, "Now kiss me like you mean it." because all of his kisses seemed to be so shallow. Heck, he would hardly even kiss me when we were being physically intimate. I always found it weird. Anyway, now he is actually making an effort to be more affectionate in non-sexual ways and I find that it makes my skin crawl. I can't even sleep in the same bed with him any more. We haven't regularly slept in the same room for years but I have tried to sleep in bed with him a couple of times and find that I can't sleep and don't feel comfortable.

It is painful for me because early in our marriage one of the things that was very important to both of us was sleeping in the same bed together every night. There were a lot of little things that we did when we first got married that have gone by the wayside. I didn't think I would ever find myself in this position.

[Leaving]

I can relate to everything Vortex wrote about. I too kept a journal for a number of years- actually since 2001 and thank goodness I did because it's truly been the only validation I've had.  I've been dealing with a narcissistic borderline husband for 18 years. He's also very passive aggressive.  I hope no one reading this will stay as long as I did but that's how long it took me to fully understand the disorder, accept that I can't do anything to help my husband and reach the decision to leave.  Unfortunately, so much damage has been done to our business, our finances and to my overall health, that it's taking me much longer to leave than I ever imagined.  The economy isn't helping me either.  I can't find a job, can't afford a new place.  I'm feeling so hopeless and trapped.

I think that sooner or later we all reach a pivotal moment when we become completely overwhelmed, fed up and intolerant of the chaos and negativity and we lose hope that anything will change.  At this point, our survival instincts kick into high gear and we realize that it's either sink or swim.  We are no longer second guessing ourselves and we become very focused to save ourselves and preserve our well-being.  Anything or anyone who threatens our ability to make progress will become annoying and even repulsive.  That's where I am today.  I won't tolerate anyone's crazy-making.  I don't get wrapped up in other people's drama and I rarely even speak to my husband anymore.

Sometimes when I look at my husband, all I can see is just an angry evil man.  He truly creeps me out at times because he's a sneaky vengeful ( covertly) man.  His behavior is so truly bizarre and psychotic at times that I fear losing my own sanity.  I'm alone in the house with him and I have no one to buffer or witness what he does which leaves me just one on one with my enemy and no support.  Also, trying to explain to anyone else what I deal with is pointless really.  No one can possibly understand unless they have experienced the same.

[vortex of confusion]

I can relate to everything Vortex wrote about. I too kept a journal for a number of years- actually since 2001 and thank goodness I did because it's truly been the only validation I've had.  I've been dealing with a narcissistic borderline husband for 18 years. He's also very passive aggressive.  I hope no one reading this will stay as long as I did but that's how long it took me to fully understand the disorder, accept that I can't do anything to help my husband and reach the decision to leave. 

I had no clue that this disorder even existed. I knew about bipolar and some other disorders but not BPD. I grew up in a house full of crazy people. Everything that my husband has done over the years has been very covert and very subtle. It wasn't the slap you upside the head kind of crazy that I grew up with so it made it way more difficult to figure out or pinpoint. I did not have any kind of epiphany or helpful realizations until a found this site several months ago. I was looking for support as the wife of a sex addict. I don't even remember what search terms I used when I came across this site. I just know that I was stunned and relieved and confused all at the same time. It offered so many explanations for so many things that I couldn't even begin to explain or wrap my mind around. Things like "How can he say such nice things to me yet still make me feel like a piece of crap? How can what he is doing be abusive? He hasn't directly said anything bad about me? How can my perceptions be even remotely correct because most people see me as the problem? I am the one that is talking about the relationship and expressing frustration. He seems happy as a clam and I am just sitting here creating problems. One of our friends even said, "He just needs you to take care of him. You need to stop trying to change him." Um, I am NOT trying to change him. I am simply trying to get him to act like a responsible adult that is married and has 4 kids. He can be himself all he wants as long as he is helping me with basic parenting and household duties.

Unfortunately, so much damage has been done to our business, our finances and to my overall health, that it's taking me much longer to leave than I ever imagined.  The economy isn't helping me either.  I can't find a job, can't afford a new place.  I'm feeling so hopeless and trapped.

Baby steps! That is what I keep telling myself. I have been married to him for 16.5 years. I didn't get into this position over night and I am not going to get out of it over night. I have to do little bitty things one step at a time. Take an inventory of the skills that you have and create a resume. I remember doing an exercise that I found in a book where I listed all of the things that I can do. I listed all of my weaknesses. I listed all of my goals. I listed out all of the things that I would like to do. I have gotten a second part time job and my own bank account. I am trying to develop myself professionally by gaining experience at my part time job. I have done little things like improve my wardrobe. I really let myself go there for a while and didn't have any clothes that made me feel good. I hadn't bought myself a new bra in years so I went and got little stuff like that to make me feel better about myself. Look at the things that you CAN do and make a list so that you can refer back to that on days when you feel trapped and feel like you can do anything.

I think that sooner or later we all reach a pivotal moment when we become completely overwhelmed, fed up and intolerant of the chaos and negativity and we lose hope that anything will change.  At this point, our survival instincts kick into high gear and we realize that it's either sink or swim.  We are no longer second guessing ourselves and we become very focused to save ourselves and preserve our well-being. 

I still have bouts of second guessing myself. This board has been an invaluable resource to help me keep a better perspective. I have a long way to go. 

Sometimes when I look at my husband, all I can see is just an angry evil man.  He truly creeps me out at times because he's a sneaky vengeful ( covertly) man.  His behavior is so truly bizarre and psychotic at times that I fear losing my own sanity.  I'm alone in the house with him and I have no one to buffer or witness what he does which leaves me just one on one with my enemy and no support.  Also, trying to explain to anyone else what I deal with is pointless really.  No one can possibly understand unless they have experienced the same.

I don't see mine as evil. I see him more as a pathetic little man. Although, he does creep me out because I know who and what he is and I think I am truly seeing it for the first time. I have lived a really long time in complete denial. It was easier to live in denial because trying to talk to other people about it is fruitless because he doesn't behave that way to other people. He puts up one heck of a good front to other people. A few people have seen little snippets but it is usually dismissed by others and I am left feeling even more confused and find myself going even deeper into denial. [/quote]

[Leaving]

Vortex, we really do have a lot in common.  Just in the last two months have I developed that disconnect with my husband.  Before that, I was still in the ' fix it' mode.  The change in me was so abrupt that I mentioned it to my therapist and she said that because I had reached a place of acceptance with my mother, that I had also reached that place with my husband ( since I married my mother).  I began setting boundaries with my NPD mother years ago but have been no contact with her for years until just recently and, while I didn't want to reconnect with her, I'm glad that I did because I'm able to see how I've made such emotional progress in separating from her and grounding myself in my own identity/values.  My mother was never supportive of me and when I would tell her about my issues in my marriage, she actually blamed me. 

Thanks so much for the positive and very helpful advice. It means the world to me.  I'm really struggling to find work and remain hopeful about my future.  Today is one of the bad days.  My husband has 'beaten' me up that last two days and I'm just so exhausted that I can't even write or convey my thoughts as I want to.  Plus, it's the holidays and that's so depressing for me as well.  I spent Thanksgiving as a volunteer chef at a mission which was very nice but it made me sad to know that I have no family or friends anymore. 

I'm so glad that you have a job. It really helps to maintain social contact with other people ( I slowly ended up completely isolated).  I worked as a marine biologist a few years ago for a couple of years but my husband made that such a miserable experience for me.  I couldn't socialize with friends or get too close to anyone for fear they would find out how I really lived.  I felt like such a fake.  My husband made it very difficult for me to get to work on time and he would deliberately do things to me before work that would cause me to be late or prevent me from attending socials at work.  My friends quit inviting me/us to any social gatherings because my husband would get ugly toward me and say terrible things to me if I was talking to someone and having a good time.  I recently connected with an old friend who admitted that he and his wife couldn't understand why I tolerated my husband given how headstrong and righteous I always was about doing the right thing.  He also told me that it was so uncomfortable being around my husband because he had such bad energy and negativity.

Evil: For years I wondered if my husband was possessed by something evil. Today,  I do believe my husband has a very dark angry side that controls him/his behavior.  He's done PA things to me and our dogs that were truly evil and he had absolutely no conscience. The only time he was ever 'sorry' or showed me an ounce of concern was when others were watching. Otherwise, he neglected me and the world revolved around him.  My therapist told me to never ever allow myself to believe that he's pathetic or helplessly insecure because she told me that my husband is very keenly aware of his surroundings and the people around him even though he plays dumb and helpless most of the time. This explained why he could never find anything or do anything in our house when he needed something or I wanted something yet can read the label on a can of tea in my hands from the next room. He always pretends that he doesn't hear me but he can hear me whisper to myself in a room that is two doors down the hall from him. When he does things like that, the hair stands up on the back of my neck.  Yes, they are small fearful children inside but I no longer underestimate his very keen awareness and ability to survive. He will do anything to protect himself and protect his narcissistic supply of 'friends'.   I've finally learned that my husband is a much better survivor than I will ever be because he's capable of doing anything to survive- lie, cheat, steal whatever!   

Scott Peck in his book, People of the Lie, described evil:

“When I say that evil has to do with killing, I do not mean to restrict myself to corporeal murder. Evil is that which kills spirit. There are various essential attributes of life -- particularly human life -- such as sentience, mobility, awareness, growth, autonomy, will. It is possible to kill or attempt to kill one of these attributes without actually destroying the body. Thus we may "break" a horse or even a child without harming a hair on its head.

Erich Fromm was acutely sensitive to this fact when he broadened the definition of necrophilia to include the desire of certain people to control others-to make them controllable, to foster their dependency, to discourage their capacity to think for themselves, to diminish their unpredectibility and originalty, to keep them in line. Distinguishing it from a "biophilic" person, one who appreciates and fosters the variety of life forms and the uniqueness of the individual, he demonstrated a "necrophilic character type," whose aim it is to avoid the inconvenience of life by transforming others into obedient automatons, robbing them of their humanity.

Evil then, for the moment, is the force, residing either inside or outside of human beings, that seeks to kill life or liveliness. And goodness is its opposite. Goodness is that which promotes life and liveliness.”

My husband's covert control very slowly broke my spirit and before I realized it, I had become a shell of a woman and remained that way for years.  I don't even remember who I was!  I've been digging through old pictures and old school books, my art work and anything else I could in an attempt to rediscover myself.  I feel like I'm having to build a brand new life from scratch! 

Thanks for reading my winded ramblings.  It's so nice to know someone else understands.

[Leaving]

Vortex, have you read the book, ' Codpendent No More" by Melody Beatty ( sp?) ? 

I've read the book a few times but recently listened to it for free on Youtube and wow, it really resonated with me.  Also, ' The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists".  Anyway, I understand your thinking in regard to not wanting to change your husband but in reality, that's exactly what we were always attempting to do by staying with them and expecting more from them.  We needed them to grow up and show up as husbands when in reality, they are not emotionally equipped to do that or assume that kind of role.  We married ' men-children' and they will always remain as such until they want to change.  Years ago my husband's therapist said, ' Norman has it made because of you.  Norman's life works for him so, why would he want to change anything about it? "  Of course, I knew the T was right but I chose to believe that Norman would normalize and mature and see the need to change all on his own and that our marriage would eventually work and... .18 years later, here I am a penniless mongrel with nothing to show for my stupid investment except wrinkles, gray hair and PTSD.

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex, we really do have a lot in common.  Just in the last two months have I developed that disconnect with my husband.  Before that, I was still in the ' fix it' mode.  The change in me was so abrupt that I mentioned it to my therapist and she said that because I had reached a place of acceptance with my mother, that I had also reached that place with my husband ( since I married my mother).  I began setting boundaries with my NPD mother years ago but have been no contact with her for years until just recently and, while I didn't want to reconnect with her, I'm glad that I did because I'm able to see how I've made such emotional progress in separating from her and grounding myself in my own identity/values.  My mother was never supportive of me and when I would tell her about my issues in my marriage, she actually blamed me. 

I am laughing about your comment about marrying your mother. I have joked with my dad that my mother and my husband are very similar in their behavior. When I have tried to talk to my mother about stuff, she tends to twist it around and tells me how much worse she has it with my dad. It is quite entertaining how she will defend my husband but has never ever defended the spouses of any of my other siblings.

I spent Thanksgiving as a volunteer chef at a mission which was very nice but it made me sad to know that I have no family or friends anymore. 

I know how that feels. It sucks to wake up one day and realize that the only person left is your spouse. I do have 4 super amazing daughters but I try not to share too much with them because I don't want to make them feel like they have to be my friend or take care of me. My mother has done that to all of us kids and it sucks so I try not to do the same to my girls.

I'm so glad that you have a job. It really helps to maintain social contact with other people ( I slowly ended up completely isolated). 

I just got my job last February. It took a while to find because it could only be part time and only certain hours because of the kids. Before that, I had a job but it was online only so I was only interacting with people online. I absolutely love my job.

I worked as a marine biologist a few years ago for a couple of years but my husband made that such a miserable experience for me. 

Depending on your education, you might check out the local colleges and see if there are any teaching positions.

I couldn't socialize with friends or get too close to anyone for fear they would find out how I really lived.  I felt like such a fake. 

WOW, yes, that is so spot on. For a whole lot of years, I kept everyone at a distance because I was afraid that they would see how unhappy I was. I was afraid that they would see what I was putting up with and wonder what was wrong with me. I am normally a pretty spunky and creative person. Being a stay at home mom that had become kind of mousy is and was totally out of character for me.

My husband made it very difficult for me to get to work on time and he would deliberately do things to me before work that would cause me to be late or prevent me from attending socials at work. 

Thankfully, he has never done that but when I got my current job, the first words out of his mouth were, "What about my activity on that night?" I wanted to scream. I had been looking for work that had evening and weekend hours because of babysitting issues and I finally found one. There is no way I was going to rock the boat just so he could go to his men's club.

My friends quit inviting me/us to any social gatherings because my husband would get ugly toward me and say terrible things to me if I was talking to someone and having a good time. 

I have never gone out or done much to speak of without the kids. The couple of times that I tried, he gave me a lecture about when to be home, blah, blah, blah. I was flabbergasted. ONE mother's night out event and he got all weird about it. I never went out at that time. I was lucky if I got to go to the grocery store by myself. Of course, my husband has a built in excuse to keep me tied to the house. There for a while, the kids would flip out if I left. He could blame it all on the kids and look like he was the saint and the kids were the monsters. Um, no, an involved dad with a decent relationship with his kids would be able to be with his own kids without all of the craziness. He is learning how to deal with them now that I am working but it is still maddening that I do almost all of the parenting.

My therapist told me to never ever allow myself to believe that he's pathetic or helplessly insecure because she told me that my husband is very keenly aware of his surroundings and the people around him even though he plays dumb and helpless most of the time. This explained why he could never find anything or do anything in our house when he needed something or I wanted something yet can read the label on a can of tea in my hands from the next room. He always pretends that he doesn't hear me but he can hear me whisper to myself in a room that is two doors down the hall from him. When he does things like that, the hair stands up on the back of my neck. 

I have to remember that he isn't as helpless as he sometimes acts. But he is soo good at pretending to be helpless and clueless and pathetic. The whole thing about them not hearing you is exactly what I have experienced. The kids and I can be talking directly to him and he doesn't hear us. He will claim that he has bad hearing but the minute we say something that he might be able to take personally, he hears it and gets mad. Last night, he went to bed after telling us all goodnight. I was being a smart a$$ and said "Good night daddy" after he had gone in the room. He came out all defensive and said, "I told you good night." I was being silly with the girls and I didn't even intend for him to hear it but he sure as heck did. There have been so many times when I have been talking quietly to the kids and he will nose his way into the conversation and want to know what it was we were talking about because he heard bits and pieces of it.

It is possible to kill or attempt to kill one of these attributes without actually destroying the body. Thus we may "break" a horse or even a child without harming a hair on its head.

I am well aware of that. I feel like he has broken me but I am fighting back and acting as a go between between him and the kids because I do not want the girls' spirits broken. So far, I am doing pretty well with them. They are quite spirited young ladies and that makes it even more difficult on him because he can't control us. And, the kids ask lots of questions.

My husband's covert control very slowly broke my spirit and before I realized it, I had become a shell of a woman and remained that way for years.  I don't even remember who I was!  I've been digging through old pictures and old school books, my art work and anything else I could in an attempt to rediscover myself.  I feel like I'm having to build a brand new life from scratch! 

Yes, the control was so very covert and subtle. I didn't even see it or realize what was happening until it was too late. I have been doing stuff that I used to do all of the time (bake, do crafts, draw, etc.) and my kids have expressed such amazement because they had no idea that I could do those things.

[Leaving]

It's very disturbing to me to realize how vulnerable I was to the covert control and abuse. I too was a very energetic and happy woman.  I never let the grass grow under my feet. I was a social activist, a writer, a gardener, a designer and get this- even helped open an organization for abused women. That shelter and organization is still there today and imagine how I felt calling them for help!  In the old days, I was a survivor and now I feel like a mindless fat cow waiting for someone to toss me a piece of fodder every now and then.  I think that being in an almost constant state of confusion and high alert left me way too distracted and unable to make any sound decisions with confidence.  Given that you have kids, I can see how that would make you even more vulnerable for the same reasons.

I too shouldered my mothers BPD drama and chaos and it was horrible and so damaging.  I'm just now at age 53 understanding how it truly harmed me and affected my choices in life.  Thank goodness you have the wisdom and heart not to want that for your kids but you need to be aware of how you're coping and not develop toxic coping skills. It's such a stressful balancing act!

Addicts of all kinds are selfish people and the world revolves around them and getting their fix. It's hard for anyone who is not self absorbed to understand that everyone and everything in the addicts life is disposable.  They use everyone to support their needs but are never there for anyone else unless it will benefit them in getting what they want. Unfortunately, empaths are the most vulnerable to narcissists and addicts because we're always wanting to champion someone else's life and make them happy.

As an empathic child, I wasn't modeled healthy ways of giving.  I was taught that I should sacrifice my own needs for others because that's what I had to do to survive in my family.  It's such a shame when a sensitive caring child is taught to aspire to becoming Nurse Ratched for all the dysfunctional people in her life. Well, NO MORE.  I'm finished being everyone's parent, manager and nurse.   

I know you like books.  Have you ever read Mavis Gallant's , ' Green Water, Green Sky'?  My stepsister is an author ( loves dark gothic novels- gee, I wonder why) and she sent me this book for my birthday one year.  I wasn't sure if I should feel offended or if I should feel loved and understood. The story really disturbed me because it was about a selfish mother and how she covertly abused her daughter.  Gee, happy birthday?

[Bromeliaceae]

Me too! Married with 2 kids, husband BPD and everything he does annoys me.

When he sneezes, when he eats, everything. He has treated with with contempt for years in between worshipping me, and for me there is nothing left.

Even when he makes an effort or apologizes for raging at me I cannot forget or forgive the disgusting way he has treated me, and I know for sure another attack will arrive shortly, and that his apology is hollow. He apologizes because in that moment he is in a good mood and wants me to be, when I cannot reciprocate his improved mood he starts the abuse again.

Like you, so many times in the past I have readily forgiven him to try and create peace for our kids. I can't do it anymore, I am tired of feeling suffocated by this toxic relationship.

I am even more tired of my kids witnessing this unloving, toxic relationship.

My parents were happily married for 45 yrs before my dad passed away, my in laws  had a toxic, loveless relationship, scared that my kids will end up mirroring this relationship.

Sorry for ranting! I've had 4 days of persistent verbal and emotional abuse from him, then he's talking on the phone to someone today  about me as if I'm a saint.

Crazy life, so good to have a safe place to vent and know that we are not alone.

Take care.

[Leaving]

Bromeliaceae,

 

Love your handle!  Are you a horticulturalist or botanist? 

So sorry you are dealing with your husband's behavior but your aversion to him is a healthy sign. I completely understand what you're dealing with.  I've been living this same crazymaking on a daily basis for 18 years. But, your aversion to him means you are neurotic ( a good thing)  and have a strong sense of self, are conscientious, aware and know that you're being mistreated.  Best of all, you're getting fed up enough to seek other options. Keep your mind focused on getting out.   I don't feel the slightest bit of desire to help my husband in any way or forgive him.  He has a family ( albeit screwed up but oh well) and they can assume my role from here on out.   I already know that I'm a forgiving person but forgiving a person who repeatedly abuses does more spiritual harm to us. We aren't dealing with an average Joe.  I think it's best to just accept what they are and let them be and quit expecting them to be what they can't.  I suppose in a way, that's forgiveness!  Are you seeing a counselor who specializes in abuse?  I started seeing my T in October and she taught me a few things about how to de-escalate my husband when he's being abusive.  I have also developed my own methods of doing this.  The main thing is to realize that you have to be SO incredibly strong, mature, non-reactive and un-emotional when dealing with the verbal assaults.  One of the things that I do is when the assault begins, I pretend to listen for a few seconds and then I go, ' OH NO! I left my keys in the car' and then I run outside and get them ( I keep a spare in my car for this purpose). The abrupt and shocking interruption always stops him.  I used to also pretend that I had to run to the bathroom but my counselor told me that is not the place to be when someone is attacking us because there's no way out of there.