Trying to make the best choice

[rockgirl]

I'm a newbie, with a simliar story as most of you. I'm aware of my own codependency that stems from alcoholic mom, neglected, and was sexually abused by family friends at a very young age. Definitely a set up for my own abandonment  issues, lack of trust and series of unhealthy relationships in which I tried to "help" the other at the expense of myself. I cared too much, gave too many chances, stayed too long etc.

I now am married to my husband with BPD for nearly 2 years. He was honest about his issues, but was only diagnosed with depression, and the BPD was hidden. He has intermittently sought help, but has not stuck with it. At times he is very open about how unhealthy he feels, but often blames others from the past (ex wife was definitely passive aggressive abuser that constantly threatened him with divorce and taking his kids), back problems from previous car accidents, etc. At times he says I need to save myself from him as he knows he is harming me, at other times blames me for his misery. The splitting is awful, he switches instantaneously at times which makes life chaos. One moment I'm his best friend and is so grateful that I stay and try so hard.  The next, I'm ruining his life and he wants a divorce. It can be little things like the dog peeing on the floor, or the kids are too loud, or sometimes absolutely nothing. The silent treatment is the worst as this is how my mother was. I'd rather be physically abused... sick I know! There's so much more... .

I can see how I enabled him by rescuing, how I provoked his mood and often made things worse. It's not my fault, but I'm certain I need to handle things better. I honestly don't know how to hold a boundary that doesn't feel like an ultimatum. His threats of divorce cause me to back off, and end up asking him to stay. I know I'm trying to avoid bring abandoned. At times I wish I could be strong enough to not let that get to me, mostly because I'm afraid he'd do it... .probably want to.come right back, but I can't do that yo yo thing like I haven had in the past. The threat is emotional abuse, I should call his bluff, but what if he isn't bluffing!

At this moment, he is in jail for pulling me out of bed onto the ground and slapping me. There's been no contact for nearly a month. I'm at a loss right now. The space is good I'm sure, but I'm worried about what's going on in his head. He's had a lot of time to either evaluate his actions or... build his case against me in his head. I have no idea when he'll get out, if he'll be allowed any contact. He needs help and I'm hoping this is the wake up call he needs. I have absolutely no idea what to expect when he gets out. I suspect at some point he'll want to come back... .but he also needs attention and avoids loneliness by quickly jumping into relationships. Although separation can be very valuable, this is risky to me because of that. That is unbearable to me. I know the old add age of setting things free, blah blah blah. I'm very intelligent and know what I feel and why, but it doesn't make it any better. I wouldn't be able to work on anything if he is unfaithful, whether it be physical or his typical past relationships that were online only. As far as I know he's not been unfaithful to me thus far.

Wow... I've rambled too much!

[maxen]

hi rockgirl and 

you are certainly in a very difficult and tense place, and you have all my sympathy. you clearly do have a good knowledge of yourself, and that's a great beginning. we have an active community of posters here who have seen BPD from every angle, including the relationship angle, and we have a wealth of resources too. welcome again!

i though i might address some of your points about the r/s until i read your last paragraph. please be sure first that you feel safe. your post describes both physical and verbal abuse, including silent treatment. can you have a visitation with him? is there no way to know his release date? does he have anther place to stay on his release? do you? please keep posting rockgirl!

[vortex of confusion]

Have you contacted your local women's center? There are lots of resources for battered women. Check into those BEFORE he gets out. Have a plan in place to keep yourself physically safe. If he gets violent towards you again, you need to be able to get out quickly. The women's center should also be able to help you navigate the legal system and help you find out when he will be released and what the conditions of his release are. If he is in jail for pulling you out of bed and slapping you, it might be a good idea to get some kind of protective order. Protective orders don't really stop anything but they document the abuse and make it easier for you to get help if he were to try to come after you.

[rockgirl]

He gets out next week. He wants to talk when he gets out. He has another place to stay until things are figured out. I know that without help, he will not be able to be a good husband. I'm aware that it's his choice to follow through and help himself, I can't rescue him, force him etc. I will state to him that my safety comes first and he can't be in my life unless he gets help and sticks with it. I'm not afraid of him coming after me, he's not vengeful. I'm just worried he'll do whatever it takes to get me back and then not follow through. There's no guarantees I know! I'm a sucker for the amazing love he offers... .it's intoxicating to say the least. He is my weakness.