The Pit of never ending doom

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I live in a pit of never ending doom! I do not create the doom my uBPDw does. However I make it never ending by doing nothing about it. Why? I think fear. Guilt. Maybe even that I might like feeling like this?  This season I skipped my favorit past time (hunting) to show her that I am committed to the relationship and mostly that I am not the evil person she soemtimes thinks I am. I'm not sure how this does that but it made her happy becasue she "didn't have to worry I was with another person while pretending to be inthe woods." Of which would have never happend any way. I would have indeed been in the woods.

Today I get an email stating she had dreams that her siter and I were having an afair right in form of her and taunting it in her face. Not the first time she has had this dream. Many many times. Her statement was this: I still think there is something going on there.  Then again, there is something going on there with every chick you come into contact with that I feel like you look too long at or joke with.   You just should avoid all contact with all women except for me then life would be easier.

Truth is it is already that way and it isn't easier. Its a never ending pit of doom.

[Cipher13]

I live in a pit of never ending doom! I do not create the doom my uBPDw does. However I make it never ending by doing nothing about it. Why? I think fear. Guilt. Maybe even that I might like feeling like this?  This season I skipped my favorit past time (hunting) to show her that I am committed to the relationship and mostly that I am not the evil person she soemtimes thinks I am. I'm not sure how this does that but it made her happy becasue she "didn't have to worry I was with another person while pretending to be inthe woods." Of which would have never happend any way. I would have indeed been in the woods.

Today I get an email stating she had dreams that her siter and I were having an afair right in form of her and taunting it in her face. Not the first time she has had this dream. Many many times. Her statement was this: I still think there is something going on there.  Then again, there is something going on there with every chick you come into contact with that I feel like you look too long at or joke with.   You just should avoid all contact with all women except for me then life would be easier.

Truth is it is already that way and it isn't easier. Its a never ending pit of doom.

[maxen]

I live in a pit of never ending doom! I do not create the doom my uBPDw does. However I make it never ending by doing nothing about it. Why? I think fear. Guilt. Maybe even that I might like feeling like this?

these are good insights, and brave ones too. i had to observe, during my marriage, the way i was replaying some bad elements of other r/ss and even of my family r/s growing up. did i like it, because i was used to it?

have you spoken with a counselor or therapist?

[Cipher13]

Yes I have seen a T several times. I think for some reason I am unwilling to do things that even though are right or are for myself that would make her upset. Example of this is I have not spent very much time learning to play the guitar. I wanted to last 2 nights but she was in a mood and upset about work so I sat and watched TV with her.

I didn't go hunting this year to show her I was open to being with her as she claim sI am am often not wanting to. I have not seen my family in over 7 years to please her.

[maxen]

I have not seen my family in over 7 years to please her.

yikes! do they understand why?

[Lucky Jim]

This season I skipped my favorit past time (hunting) to show her that I am committed to the relationship and mostly that I am not the evil person she soemtimes thinks I am.

Hey Cipher, The problem is, after you give up all your favorite pastimes and withdraw from your family and friends you may find, as I did, that there is very little left of the person you once were, which is not fun, believe me.  I have been in your shoes, my friend, and don't recommend the path you are following because, in my view, it leads to unhappiness.  On some level, I think you already know this.  It's time to get back on your own path, I suggest.  LuckyJim

[Cipher13]

The problem is, after you give up all your favorite pastimes and withdraw from your family and friends you may find, as I did, that there is very little left of the person you once were, which is not fun

It is lonely and depressing. Know that everythign you do has nothign to do whit your own happiness but to please soemone else. Well not even please them. Its to kep the peace. That are not pleased just not going irate.

[enlighten me]

As lucky jim said by giving up what you enjoy you lose who you are.

This is a double edged sword for a pwBPD as you are no longer who they fell for even though you have changed into who you think they want. They can see this change as not their fault but as you having conned them and lied to them.

[Lucky Jim]

Keeping the peace, as enlighten me notes, often comes at a high price.

You may discover, as I did, that the price is too high.

Be careful as the double-edged sword that enlighten me describes can cause deep wounds.

LuckyJim

[Waddams]

Kinda going through the same process at the moment myself, but at some point we have to be willing take responsibility for our own lives and the conditions we live in.  It doesn't mean that our spouses/partners/families don't do things that impact us, but in the big picture we have to eventually step up and take our own power back.  And we have to recognize when we've given our own power away to someone else and own that we've done it.  It hit me recently that empowering ourselves involves owning the mistakes we've made, and taking proactive steps to address those mistakes.  In relationship cases such as this, that means owning that we chose to give our power away, we chose to let someone else have power over us, and recognize that while it might be hard work to build new conditions in life and it can take a long time, it only takes a moment of thought and a decision to take our power back to begin the change.

And when we do it, if the people we've given our power to don't like it and try to fight to keep their control of us, then they are demonstrating they don't respect or really value us.  And we don't need people like that in our lives.

[Lucky Jim]

Nicely put, Waddams.  LuckyJim

[Waddams]

another aspect that is so hard to comprehend and then to learn how to change once you wrap your head around it is that the non- partner plays a part in the abuse cycle.  and we are responsible for the part we play.  the cycle goes:

1. tension building

2. abuse/acting out

3. honeymoon/apology

4. calm

we are part of the dance in tension building.  we can learn new ways to behave ourselves that don't contribute.  during the abuse phase, we owe it to ourselves to leave and not endure it.  during the honeymoon/apology, we have to recognize we are getting some kind of kick out of that.  we need to figure it out and not allow them to love-bomb us back into the normal cycle, but i know i've always allowed myself to get sucked back in by the post-abuse idealization and self loathing they throw at us to make us too guilty to leave.

but here's another big kicker of the whole thing.  by staying in the cycle, and in the relationship, we are also staying in a condition that is also hurting our PD partner.  if we really want to not hurt anyone, we also need to consider that staying the cycle is leading to them being hurt more too.  being that cycle is bad for both people and sometimes it takes one person recognizing it and just flat refusing to participate anymore.  you might not know a better course of action, or better actions/decisions/behaviors in the heat of the moment as the cycle is playing out, but at least be aware of the cycle, how it plays out, and do something, anything, different to break the cycle.

[Wrongturn1]

Great insights, Waddams... .I'm enjoying steps 3/4 right now.  You're right about the role the non plays - something I need to work on.

[Cipher13]

Wow som erealy great insights Waddams. Soemt of it I have thougth of but to put it in the perspective you have is really great.

My biggest issue I have with myself is that I do not doe anythign to change the cylce. I try my damnedest to get to 3 & 4. And in that I find that when there is calm her mind will not rest ar sit still. She has explained this to me and her T before. It is like an over hyper child that has just found the candy jar. It can not sit still. If it would only merely just be active that oule be one thing, but it only stays active on negative thoughts and ideas. And most are irrational at best. Like when I took the dog for a walk and was gone for 30 minutes. She swore it was an hour and it went to see another woman. Keep in mind it was freezing and I have adog and was gone 30 minutes.

Today I got an email stating I owe her an apology for being sick and even though I left the room to allow her to sleep while i was coughing up a storm. It still kept her from sleeping well. I didn't sleep at all.

[Waddams]

My biggest issue I have with myself is that I do not doe anythign to change the cylce. I try my damnedest to get to 3 & 4.

This is part of the problem, IMHO.  You have to step out of the cycle in order to end it.  You can't keep trying to get to an stay in one spot.  It will always cycle back through again otherwise.

And you have to be willing to let the BPD be angry, unhappy, etc.  Their feelings are not your problem.  Just start living your own life for yourself.  It feels selfish at first, which non's are especially sensitive to and don't like.  But you have to be willing to build your own happiness separate from the BPD person. 

You do this by cutting down your interactions with them.  Interactions with them always get swung 'round to being focused on them, and what you did or didn't do that didn't satisfy them.  The only way out is to focus on you instead of them, and you do that by creating distance from them and focusing on you.

[Cipher13]

I have been told about another training trip out of town for work. I let my uBPDw know the possible dates inadvance it might be. I know she hates me going. This time is no exception. She it telling me that I need to find a way not to go or we are done. Quit my job if I have to is where its going to go next. The seeds of that type of thinking has started. She said I had beetter start look soon because there is no f**g way I am going.  In truth I have asked already if different accomidations can or could be made. It is not in my hands and I am going or looking for a new job. My life sucks. :'(

[enlighten me]

I thought about quitting my job for my ex. Im so glad I didnt. I would have ended up skint and had to have dealt with even more abuse for not providing for her and then would have ended up single.

Think long and hard before making these sort of decisions as you could end up in an even worse place.

[Cipher13]

I really like my job. Infact my job is my therapy. However it is in her exact words "is the source of contention between us". Meaning she has no control over me when I am am work. She hates I would have to talk to anyone. Any sort of interaction is bad in her eyes. I can't quit. I can't afford to not work. Plus I like it and it is a good company.

[GaGrl]

Don't quit.

[Waddams]

Second the don't quit.

[Cipher13]

I don't handle conflict well and never have. I cave and cave and cave and have to live with myself. I hate how I handle these situations.

[Lucky Jim]

Well, it seems like you will have more opportunities to stand your ground!  Don't let your past history limit your future responses.  Start slowly, with baby steps, to build up your confidence, I suggest.  LuckyJim

[Waddams]

I don't handle conflict well and never have. I cave and cave and cave and have to live with myself. I hate how I handle these situations.

She's using the typical FOG'ing tricks of the trade.  You know it, but you're afraid of breaking out.  You know she'll run the gamut of guilting you, raging at you, tearing you down, etc.  It's an assault designed to tear down your boundaries and regain control.  It feels awful and in the midst of it you just want it to stop.  I've been there.  Eventually you give in just to get her to stop.

Here's the thing, when you're feeling like you'll do anything to get her to stop the attack on you, why not do something else besides giving in?  Why not adjust your thinking to you'll do anything to get her to stop and also not give in?  The easiest, best way to achieve that is to not be around for her to attack.  In the heat of the moment, LEAVE.  You don't have to retaliate, or engage in the fight with her.  You don't have to convince her that she's got it all wrong, etc.  In fact, let her be wrong and don't try to correct her at all.  Instead, have an escape kit stashed away.  Spare keys, wallet with cash/license/credit cards, etc.  Maybe even a travel bag with a change of clothes.  Head for a hotel, check in, order delivery pizza, turn on the TV, breath, and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Send her a simple text that says something to the effect of when she acts like that towards you, you will no longer tolerate it, and you won't be around it.  When she can calm down and be an adult, you'll re-engage.

Sure she'll go absolutely banana's.  She'll blow up your phone with calls/texts/etc.  She'll threaten you even harder, she might even threaten to hurt herself (if she does call 911 and send them her way). Just turn off the ringer and ignore it.  She'll act out in ways that go beyond what you've seen.  But that's okay.  That's her problem, not yours.  And if she decides she's leaving you and divorces, etc., as a result, that's okay too.  If she calls the cops, when they find you, simply say "Hey, I wasn't even there.  I was at the hotel.  She was fine when I left and I didn't touch her."  She can't substantiate any claims if you can prove you were not there.

You can re-establish control over your own life when you are willing to put your foot down and not be around the drama she creates anymore.

Nobody should have to live with the type of craziness she's putting you through.

[downwhim]

Whaddams, nicely said. Taking responsibility for ourselves and getting our power back. For me it started with N/C.  Two full months today! This has been the most difficult - to love someone and let them go - learning to be alone with yourself - becoming ONE again. What do I want now? How can I improve? How can I be happy? I focused on him for so long.  I was losing friends and family and am trying to reconnect. I really was not happy and I cannot imagine I could feel any worse. It was good at times but the pain, the illness and dysfunction took away from the joy and peace I had envisioned in my life.

[Lucky Jim]

Nice summary, Waddams.  I viewed it as a three-step process: (1) first you leave the room; (2) if that doesn't work, you go for a walk; and (3) if the abuse continues, you go to a motel.  Sad to say, as Waddams suggests, I kept an overnight bag in my car with a change of clothes and some other essentials (toothbrush, razor, etc.).  And I spent many nights at a motel when she was raging, just staring at the ceiling, wondering how I got myself into this mess of a marriage.  Not fun, but it was part of the process in taking responsibility and getting my power back, as downwhim describes.

Lucky Jim

[Waddams]

One aspect of taking your power back is acknowledging where you went wrong in the past.  Then owning, being accountable to yourself, and changing course as possible to start fixing what you did wrong in the past. 

It's tough because it can be hard to not beat yourself up.  Hold your head high, realize you're human and make mistakes, and realize you're human and have the ability to do better.

Empowering yourself means owning your own successes and failures.

Wish I could make myself live all of this as easily as I say it!

[Grey Kitty]

I don't handle conflict well and never have. I cave and cave and cave and have to live with myself. I hate how I handle these situations.

Cipher,

Anyone who succeeded the first time did it after failing again and again and again. Until they didn't.

You know what it feels like to cave.

You know how good it felt to give up hunting for her this season.

Try the other way.

[Cipher13]

I have beengiven the gift of great advice. Don't quit my job! I had not planned on it but having other say the same thing helps to support that.  Now the possible conflict. My wife has a possibility to get the dream job she has been after for the last 5 or 6 years. Keeping in mind her history of short living happiness at jobs and that this is the one she has always coveted (and a significant $ increase).  If it didn't require a move to this job I'd not put this up for discussion but it does. She would be making more than me currently and I am confident inthat area she has this potential job I could get employment (we lived there before). 

I don't knwo what side of this fence to be on? 

[Grey Kitty]

That's her fence not yours. Don't get stuck sitting on her fencepost!

First off, it is her choice to apply for the job or not. Let her make it.

Second, getting offered the job is outside either your control or hers.

Your involvement in the decision only starts when she gets a job offer. Stay clear until then!

Now... .if she does get the offer... .and does want to move and take the job... .I think your menu of choices look different than you might guess. Consider these options:

• Quit your job cheerfully and follow her to this area



• Tell her that you like your job, and will be staying where you are. She is free to live in this other city for her dream job if she wants to.



• Tell her that you aren't willing to be without a job in this economic climate. Invite her to move to this city with her new job. Tell her that you will move out to follow her once you find work there yourself.



• (Just like the last option above... .but with a hidden agenda!) Tell her all the above. AND don't tell her this part. You plan to give her enough time to burn out/give up on the new, perfect job... .before you put a LOT of effort into your job search, and are prepared for her to give up and come back before you even move!

Please note what was NOT on the list: Telling her she can't take the job, and telling her that you are afraid she will blow up and fail at the new job quickly.

It is a lot more useful to look at the actions you can take than what you want to 'convince' her of.

[enlighten me]

Personally I wouldnt put much on her going for the dream job. Its hit and miss but one thing I noticed is how scared they are at the possibility of achieving their dreams. It seems that if they achieve their dream and dont find the fulfilment expected then their world will fall apart.

[adventurer]

• Tell her that you aren't willing to be without a job in this economic climate. Invite her to move to this city with her new job. Tell her that you will move out to follow her once you find work there yourself.

This advice is golden and represents how most financially responsible couples would probably handle the situation.  Those with BPD often have a remarkable way of sabotaging their own potential for success so this plan gives you a safety net.  Let her make her own decision and no matter how terrible she reacts stick to your boundaries.

Good luck!