My 18 yo BPDer is moving out... send her to Narcissist father or group home?

[theplotthickens]

BACKGROUND - if you know us, skip this paragraph... . My 18 yo BPDer has a history of two suicide attempts, four hospitalizations, and years of interventions that left her more entitled and poorly behaved with each one.  She is diagnosed bipolar, ADHD, ODD with either anti-social, histrionic, or borderline personality disorder.  She will not follow rules, and seems to enjoy making everyone miserable through nasty comments, baiting, finding any weakness and using it against me, etc.  She tells a therapist what she wants to hear, showing "insight," and then proceeds to come home and purposely torment while acting an angel to professionals when she has something to gain, such as someone feeling sorry for her.  In short, therapy and treatments have been a bust, and I am done.

I have given all I can to this child, and I love her, but she cannot live in our home any longer since she has no plans on changing her behavior.

I have two options: a transitional housing complex designed for mentally ill or homeless teens or sending her to live with her Narcissist father.

In past treatments with other adolescents, she has picked up all kinds of behavior from drugs, to acting thug, to getting so stressed she attempts suicide.  In this transitional housing complex, they have condoms in the front foyer as you walk in.  A sure sign of a classy place!   I can't see anything in place to prevent the kids from being pimped out on backpage, and living for free on the county dime.  Plus, I am hesitant to have my daughter pick up on the dependent victim, take-care-of-me mentality.  She works full-time, and holds it together fine at work.  If she goes to county housing, she will have to limit her hours, and there is no incentive to do anything but lay around (and probably do drugs and other unsavory behaviors.)  I don't think it is a good environment for her to be in.  :)oes anyone have experiences with the types of kids that end up in these types of places... .my daughter gravitates to the worst, the darkest, and the most unstable people.  

On the other hand, her Narcissist father has been uninvolved in her care for the past 16 years, barely calls her, but is convinced he is the "good parent."   He denied her psyh issues, and blames me for her behaviors.  Of course, she does not take any responsibilty, and so the two of them are in heaven using me as a scapegoat.  Fine.  My concern is what will happen when the honeymoon is over, and my daughter starts displaying behaviors.  She is very motivated to act like an angel because she sees her Dad so rarely, but I suspect that she won't be able to keep it up for long.  He is unavailable emotionally, but has an active social life and is very popular.  The socializing might be fun for my dd - and I think she would respect his rules because he is big and intimidating and won't put up with her behaviors.  On the downside, he is in total denial and I am concerned what would happen if she became manic or suicidal while in his care because he would go the punishment, zero tolerance route.  I would get my daughter hooked up with a therapist and psych in the state he lives in... .have already contacted NAMI in his state.

I am so exhausted from trying to decide.  I do have guardianship of my 18 yo, so I can continue to coordinate medical care, get therapists lined up, help her with paperwork, etc.   However, she *cannot* live with me, as she refuses to treat me like a human being, and I am ready to get my life and health back in order.  

Any thoughts on which situation is preferable.  I really don't need to hear I need to "let it go" or similiar.  I am acting as her guardian here, and need to figure out which situation is in her best interest.  I would love to hear your opinion.  

Has your BPDer ever moved in with a person/parent/relative with a personality disorder, did it work out?  I mean, birds of a feather, right?  :)id they get on famously?  Or was it more like two sticks of dynamite?  Any thoughts welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

I have only an opinion from what you've written, theplotthickens, and since I don't know you, your daughter or her father, it's just a gut reaction and not based on any expert knowledge here 

That said, from your description of your situation, I would go for sending her to live with her Dad... .It seems not only safer, but there is always a chance that her father could actually surprise you, rise to the occasion, and become a real Dad to your daughter at last. And that would also be good for your daughter and her psyche.

I think checking NAMI for help for her in her new home would be perfect, and as her loving Mom and Guardian, it's your right to do so and neither your daughter or her father can argue with that. It's a good back-up plan, and will give you a sense of solace and comfort knowing that she has Psychiatric and Therapeutic help in place.

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this, and I don't judge you for letting her go... .Sometimes something like this is best for all concerned, and you aren't just setting her free into the cold, cruel world with no resources or love; you are doing your due diligence and giving her a plan for success. And her Dad is a valid option; he's a responsible adult and is willing to help her and keep her safe and fed and housed and watched over. I'd say (only knowing what I've read here) that it could work out, and she should be safer than the other option.

Godspeed, and all my best to your family, theplotthickens 

[theplotthickens]

Rapt Reader,

Thank you so much for responding.  Yes, that is the way I am leaning too.  My daughter says that he is very hard to get to know.  Her birthday was last week-end, and he did not call or anything and that hurt her. So, I am thinking that she will get what he has to give, and we can HIRE emotional support in the form of a therapist, NAMI helps, etc.

The county social worker keeps pressuring me on the housing issue, and seems to think I am brain dead for leaning toward sending her to her father. 

I know it is not ideal, but I also think that having time with her father would be good for her soul.  I think she understands that she is not going to get a lot of emotional support from him, so if her expectations are realistic, and supports are in place, I think it is preferable.

I appreciate that you don't think I've gone bonkers for considering it! Thanks.

[llbee814]

I absolutely agree with rapt reader on sending your dd to her father.  It makes far more sense for her to be with family that has a personal stake in her well-being as opposed to strangers.  I think your dd is lucky to have this opportunity available to her, despite her father's issues.  If nothing else, they both have a motivating factor - spiting mom   - that could wind up being successful.

I have to say, my own father had similar issues, and while there was definitely dysfunction aplently  he still managed to be a loving father to me.  Sounds crazy,  I know, but that's what we deal with when we have these disorders in our families.

It seems to me that with your well thought out plans to support the situation that this sounds like your best option.  I don't know why the county sw would give you that attitude over trying her dad first.  You are definitely not brain dead... .perhaps she is just lacking in common sense, .

Whichever you ultimately decide on, I wish you all the best... .blessings,  L.

[SlyQQ]

BIG advanatage of Dad is there is only one option before she returns to you perhaps a little wiser other ways leaves a hundred doors to try ( including drugs ) before she may return an depending on circumstances may well feel pushed to try them than come back home

[lever.]

When I read your post my gut reaction was to try Dad first too but as I couldn't rationalize it I waited for other replies.

It may work out better than you hope and if it doesn't then the other option will be there.

[jellibeans]

theplotthickens

Oh we so are living the same life... .just recently I thought the same thing about find somewhere esle for my dd to live. This was after a very bad couple of days where my dd17 was raging and I was just exhausted so I really know where you are coming from. That day is going to come for our family and I know it won't be easy.

I would send her to her father's... .it really is that simply. If he is up to the challenge then let me give it a go. Try to take the emotion and all the preconceived thoughts out of your head. Put aside the control you are clinging to... .and just let it go. Anyone else feel like singing! 

I do feel our kids are better off with family for as long as possible. I think this is a nice step for her as well. What is the real goal here? For here to be independent and living on her own... .time to give a little push and let her figure some things out.

[theplotthickens]

Unanimous decision!  Yes, the social worker thinks that parents pretty much suck, but especially absent parents.  When dd told her that her dad says that all mental health workers are quacks, and that her meds are poisoning her, it  prolly didn't endear him to the SW. I still think he is the better option, even with his issues.  Yes, they will definitely bond about how everything on earth is my fault!

My dd is not capable of self-care, due to her developmental and mental issues.  In a couple more years, I think she will be a lot more able.  18 is not the magic number for special needs kids... .they are typically well behind their peers in ability to make safe decisions.  SO,  development needs to be considered rather than straight age.  Her recent neuro-psych confirmed that she is too immature to live on her own.

I am burned out, and dd makes no attempt to regulate here.  She is nasty to me day in and day out... .there is no break.  I think that is a key difference between anti-social and BPD.  The neuro-psych says that she will continue to chew me up and spit me out due to her anti-social/ODD tendencies and my "kind temperament."  Ha! I may be validating and nice on the outside, but on the inside I am dreaming of saying what I *really* think, and it is NOT nice.     

The goals here are finding her a safe place to grow her brain a couple more years, and for her to do it somewhere where she is not targeting ME with all her rage.  Making life miserable for everyone when you are unhappy is not a human right.  HEHEHE.  My hope is that she will find love and light someday, and find healing.  I have done absolutely all I can for her, and feel good about that.  Now, I give her the gift of reality and consequences, as she cannot live with me if the behavior choices did not change by age 18.

Don't judge me, but I am feeling a bit giddy about the relentless emotional attacks, ridicule, criticisms, and negativity to be out of the house.  She is like a giant stress ball when she is home.  I hold it all in, and try to be even-tempered and kind, but I am so tired.  I thank you for the opportunity to vent.  When she moves out, I am throwing a peace party!   We will have a better relationship when she isn't living here, I imagine.

Thanks parents!

 

 

[theplotthickens]

So, I am singing Bob Marley songs and freeing myself from mental slavery!  BPD is a "pirate" and it has enslaved me for too long.  My dd was carrying on, just now, and I was able to be so sweet to her while humming "Redemption Song" to myself.  (All I can think of is that my dd is moving out!)  My deliverance from slavery is at hand. I am singing my song of freedom.  Yah Mon! 

Songs of freedom... .

I am feeling it.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tu2shMNj8yI

[mama72]

theplotthickens,

I agree with the above parents, and it sounds like having dd live at dad's is the route you are going. My ex and I went 50/50 with our dd17 about a year ago, she was stressing me out horribly (you probably remember the drama). Since that change, there has been some positive results with my dd, myself and the relationship with my ex. Not to mention, a more functional home life for my dh and younger dd. When dd17 is at her dad's, we get to recharge, relax and just breathe.

You have earned and deserve to lead a healthy, happy life. I hope everything goes well. Keep us posted!   

[Meadowslark]

theplotthickens,

At first, I thought you might have been my mom! We're going through a very similar situation right now. My uBPDsis is older than your DD but most of the other details match up. It's crazy!

Even though I'm not a parent and can't give you parental advice, I agree with everyone else about sending DD17 to live with NPD Dad. If you don't trust the mental health center, this seems like the best option.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders