The magic of Christmas

[bravhart1]

UBPDmom has sunk to new low. Sd6 came home from seeing mom and gave me a big hug. Not typical right after visit to bio mom.

Turns out she was feeling some pity for me as bio mom had just told her that the "magic of Christmas" was going to bring daddy back to his family of origin (whatever that means) and that daddy was coming back to her. So sd6 was thinking that all her troubles were about to stop because mom and dad were getting back together.

How in the world is a six year old going to deal with reality when she finds out that this is just more of moms magical thinking? Guess I'm going to be the bad guy all over again. Brilliant.   

[david]

I'm not sure what to do but I do think this needs to be addressed. I view this as child abuse.

[Nope]

I'm not sure what to do but I do think this needs to be addressed. I view this as child abuse.

That's so often the problem with BPD, David. There is so much child abuse and yet the kids never have a mark on them.

Bravehart, I wouldn't respond to this at all if I were in your shoes. It is up to SD6's dad to kindly and carefully address this with her. She needs to know that simply isn't going to happen. And, most importantly, for reasons that have nothing to do with you.

[bravhart1]

Ya, I think even though she came back with that idea, she let it go by weeks end. She may be six, but she's already clued in to moms nutty ideas.

But yes, it does sound like abuse to me too. Unfortunately we are all subjected to it too often. There really doesn't seems to be a good way to protect your family when the kiddos have to go hang out with " alternate reality" mom on the weekend.

[scraps66]

I think all you can do is what Nope suggests.  This will continue to happen and if dad responds consistently and constructively, I would hope this would pay dividends in the long run for D6.  The shame is, a BP will do this to make themselves feel better but outwardly harm the child's development.  The BP can often make up the excuse that, "Oh well D6 asked me about this and I had to give her an answer... .blah, blah"

Another thing, you'll have to get used to ignoring these instances, handle them as has been suggested, but reacting to each incident such as this will wear you down and that's not good.  It is something that all "nons" have to struggle with, which battles to fight.

[david]

My ex ran away in 2007. A few months after she dropped the kids off at my residence. The boys were 8.5 and 4.5 at the time. They waked into the house and said in unison, "We hate you and want to live with mom. We don't want to see you again." Fortunately I did not react. I simply said to them that I loved them and always would. Ex continued trying to alienate our boys from me. I never tried to talk to ex about it because that seemed like a fruitless endeavor.

Eventually the boys figured out that I was not the monster ex kept portraying me as. Her tactics started pushing them away from her. She ratcheted up her tactics which made things worse between her and our boys. They are 16 and 11 now and neither one trusts her at all. Ex is a nurse and whenever the boys feel ill, etc. when they are at their moms they call me to ask me what they should do.

Staying focused on the kids and listening (and figuring out what they are trying to say), validating their perceptions, and doing what is best for them (parenting), is the best method I have found to counter ex's vitriol.

[bravhart1]

David

I have read what you said to me and others here about validating the child and wanted to share  this with you.

it seemed like something that would work with this situation, so when sd6 brought up the "magic of Christmas" story again I simply asked her how she would feel about that happening.

You would not believe what she said!

She said, and I quote" well I would miss you very much, because I love you and even though I'm not supposed to I do. And I think it would be hard for my dad to live with mommy again because she is mad at him all the time. So I think daddy should stay here and be happy. Mommy won't be happy where ever daddy lives" 

Out of a six year old. Just , wow.

Thanks for the suggestion, I'm ordering that book you recommended about the validating tomorrow!   

[slimmiller]

David

I have read what you said to me and others here about validating the child and wanted to share  this with you.

it seemed like something that would work with this situation, so when sd6 brought up the "magic of Christmas" story again I simply asked her how she would feel about that happening.

You would not believe what she said!

She said, and I quote" well I would miss you very much, because I love you and even though I'm not supposed to I do. And I think it would be hard for my dad to live with mommy again because she is mad at him all the time. So I think daddy should stay here and be happy. Mommy won't be happy where ever daddy lives" 

Out of a six year old. Just , wow.

Thanks for the suggestion, I'm ordering that book you recommended about the validating tomorrow!   

Those are the moments that you know you are doing something right as a co parent with a disfunctional parent.

My twelve year old, after the kids were complaining about their mother and I told them that we should not talk bad about mommy and try and make her look bad, said, "we dont have to make her look bad, she does that herself"

the "Power of validation" was a huge help for me. Its on my bookshelf and I go back to it often

Hang in there!

[Nope]

Reminds me of a counseling session I joined in with my SD11. "I don't need to be here because I don't need someone else I can tell everything to. I can tell you and daddy everything. I just can't tell my mom everything because she's always looking for reasons to fight with daddy. I can tell you guys everything because you don't put me in the middle or go looking for fights."

There is nothing more validating than taking the high road and watching a kid totally get it all by themselves.