Why did we tolerate such treatment from our ex BPD partners?

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Had a heart to heart with my brother last weekend regarding my relationship with my ex fiancee.

He was honest with me. He told me that he was not surprised that we had split after witnessing her behaviour and treatment towards me for the last few years. He was angry and frustrated seeing the way she spoke to me and that she seemed to have total control over me and how I seemed to accept this. She knew I was her personal doormat hence she did what she want with me running after her, whilst rarely offered any support for me. It was not a 'Proper Partnership'.

He knew that I was not happy and asked me why did I not do anything about it. I said I did not want to leave my son and was scared of breaking up, hence I just accepted it. I simply allowed her to push all the boundaries to well over their limits. By letting her doing this I lost her respect and she carried on lying and eventually cheated on me.

My brother told me that I need to grow my 'Kahunas' again. Also I need to start 'loving myself' again and start living the rest of my life without fear, and stop thinking that I'm a failure. I need to learn from this experience and never tolerate such treatment from anyone again.

But why did I accept this in the first place?

[clydegriffith]

I stayed as long as i did because she had trapped me with a child and after every blowup i would say things like "it's worth it for my daughter's sake to try and work things out" and similar things. Ending things sooner would have been best for everyone as it would have spared me a lot of heartache, legal problems and non-stop drama that camee along with the high-conflict BPDx.

[Deeno02]

Guess because I thought I was in love with her and her with me. Afraid of being alone, trauma bonding... ended up becoming a door mat.

[Lucky Jim]

Fair question, Eagle, and one that's well worth exploring.  Indeed, understanding the answer is key to one's recovery, in my view.  I happen to agree w/your brother.  I, too, have a brother who said much the same thing to me at a certain point in my marriage to my BPDxW.  Consider yourself lucky that you got out of the r/s when you did, rather than spend 16 years like me in a hellish marriage.

LuckyJim

[Xidion]

I stayed because of who I thought she was. She really fooled me in the honeymoon phase into thinking that she was the most amazing person on the planet. After that stage, it was me constantly trying to get that person back... when really, that person never actually existed. I took her back after talking sexually to other guys, etc. Which should never have happened. I lowered all of my boundaries. I wanted it to work so badly... then she left me, when really, I should have dumped her long ago.

[outside9x]

I was so much in love with her beauty and body and fun ways I couldn't see clear and didn't think of myself, only pleasing her, like she was the dream and too me she was.  I lost track of me, and became what she wanted.  It wasn't love, it was control, and even though she had her issues with abandonment and always cried to come back I don't believe it was about love, it was her self, needs and fears.   They will suck they living life out of you until you are no longer useful to them or not attracted to you anymore.   

Until we love ourselves enough and do not allow anyone to punish us and belittle us over and over, we will fall into the same trap.!