The holidays are so loaded for me. Not sure of what to do...

[kelc323]

I've been struggling with the upcoming holidays for weeks now and decided to check in with the BPD family board.

The holidays are rarely festive for me. Growing up with an undiagnosed Bipolar (OCD, NPD) mom was terrible, but the expectations to behave and act perfectly during the holidays were AWFUL. Basically, I spent the holidays walking on eggshells and behaving "correctly" so I wouldn't upset my mother. She was very rigid and many of her expectations were unspoken. As an example, I was addressing Christmas cards for her when I was 17. I made the mistake of using black ink. Little did I know that the color black denotes evil and I was supposed to use blue. Me, being the logical child that I was, pointed out that the Bible was printed using black ink, which prompted a pretty mighty slap and a "crazy-mad" episode. (I was an only child and my bio parents are together.) Many years later, she ended up being an involuntary commitment in our state hospital 20 years ago. She's still fairly rigid, but all-in-all things are better, now.

Fast forward to my own family. My husband and I have 3 kids: DS18, DS28 and BPDDD27 (w/bipolar). When my children were young, I truly enjoyed the holidays (except when visiting my parents). We had many fun traditions and good times, and they have fond memories as well. However, the older my BPDDD got, the more difficult the holidays became. Typically, something was said or done that would upset my BPDDD, she would start raging and the rest of the day pretty much sucked. Through the years, we've gotten much better about becoming less reactive to her and know her triggers; however, now her brother (DS28) tends to be tense and quiet when she's around, so she's incredibly sensitive to this and tends to confront him. BTW, BPDDD27 has a 3 year old son, so now there is a very traumatized grandson/nephew in the picture, too. This just adds another layer of complex relationships. (As an aside CPS, has been heavily involved in my grandson's case and just decided to pass his file on to the District Attorney's office, last week. My daughter also lives with the my grandson's dad, who is abusive and just recently convicted of Felony distribution of marijuana. He just was sentenced to two years probation.)

Last Christmas, my BPDDD27 was fighting with her boyfriend on December 23rd and she swallowed a bottle of extra-strength Tylenol. She told me 18 hours later (Christmas Eve) what she did, but refused to go to the hospital. She's done this before and she knew that would go into liver failure. I no choice but to call the police and force her to be screened. We showed up at her home on Christmas Eve with 3 cop cars in her yard. Both she and her boyfriend lied and said she didn't swallow the pills and that we were just trying to ruin their Christmas. They were screaming and cursing at us and completely denying what she did. I BEGGED the officer to believe me and shared her history. Finally, he decided to  arrest her and take her to the hospital. Thank goodness. It saved her life. She was almost beyond the window of time to receive the antidote and is lucky to be alive. When we went to intensive care to see her, she had the hospital staff turn us away. According to my daughter, she was concerned that I would influence them and they would commit her. Anyway, she spent 6 days in the hospital and then was discharged to a Crisis Stabilization Unit for a day and a half. Not very helpful.  :'(

Since then, there have been many, many ups and downs. Between January and May the police have been at their home over 10 times. Typically one of them was arrested for domestic battery or destruction of property. The DA never followed through and their cases were dismissed. They were evicted from their home in July. My BPDDD secured Section 8 housing (she has no job). I helped pay for her deposit and agreed to pay her nominal monthly rent until she got on her feet. Her lease through the housing authority clearly states that only she and her son live there or she will be evicted. Guess what? The boyfriend has moved in with them. (He has a job, but is a mooch. This is HIS money.) I have since quit paying the monthly rent, because I refuse to support him. I pray everyday that they don't get caught, because at that point, they will be homeless and have no other options.

Goodness this is getting long. (So sorry.) Basically, a lot has gone on over the past year. When she was a teen we participated in the Parent/Adolescent DBT program. She and our family worked with an entire team of people through the local Mental Health Center, desperately trying to learn and get her on the right path before she turned 18. I continue to see her original therapist who knows her and our family. (My daughter fired her twice, before I began seeing her. Long story.) Our daughter has seen other therapists, but rarely stays with one for more than a few times. It's been suggested for her to participate in a DBT group and IOP, as well. She goes once and then quits.

Several times this years, she has gone on a complete rant on Facebook that was mostly filled with lies and delusions. You'd think our daughter was raised by evil, selfish, abusive, crazy people. It was humiliating to me and to her brothers. We choose not to respond on Facebook, because it only exacerbates the situation and it isn't very effective anyway. I drew a line in the sand and stated that until she participates in treatment, our relationship (including family gatherings) would be kept at a minimum and only for the sake of our grandson. I have suggested we celebrate Christmas separately, but she is insisting to celebrate as a "family" with her brothers and girlfriends, who really don't want her there, but will accept what we decide.

I really don't know how to handle this. Given how last Christmas was spent, we are relieved she is still with us, but makes me sad to think of spending another Christmas with this kind of conflict. Part of me just wants to suck it up (like I did when I was a kid) and celebrate the holiday together. The other part of me feels like I need to hold to my convictions.

I pretty much hate the holidays. Between my mom and my daughter, they are less about celebration and more about traversing the mind field of my life.

Ugh. I really didn't mean to carry on so much. I guess I should post more often and not try to overshare in one post. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jdtm]

 

I have suggested we celebrate Christmas separately, but she is insisting to celebrate as a "family" with her brothers and girlfriends, who really don't want her there, but will accept what we decide.

It's your home, and as the host you get to choose the guests.  And your adult daughter is a guest.  Frankly, I would celebrate it separately - you already know that when you celebrate as an entire family that it does not work, so why choose that misery again.  I vote - separately.  And, as an adult, your daughter can choose to come or not to come on a separate occasion.  Really hoping things are better for you in the new year ... .

[pessim-optimist]

Hello kelc323,

Please do feel free to share as much as you'd like at any point, all of us are here for each other, and if you'd like to pop in more often - you are welcome here any time!

Your post gives a lot of background, so it all makes more sense.

Considering what happened last year, I understand your dilemma... .How would you feel about telling everyone that you aren't doing anything big this year for Christmas, but everyone is welcome on the following Friday evening or Saturday afternoon at a specific time to come over for an hour or two for a get-together if they'd like, or something like that?

[kelc323]

Thanks, JDTM and Pessim-Optimist. Both of your suggestions are good ones. JDTM, I appreciate the reminder that my daughter and everyone else is a "guest" in my home. I need to remember this when (and if) things start to accelerate toward the point of no return. I can only be a hostage if I give permission to be so. And, P.O., I am always willing to be flexible, but my children (all of them) really do enjoy having a Christmas celebration on the eve or day of at my house. My mother and my daughter tend to be rigid... .which is a whole other story. A storm is starting to brew with my mom, because she expects all of us to go to their house Christmas afternoon and stay there until the late evening. My DS28 is an asst manager at a retail store and only gets Christmas Day off and has to work the weekend as well. He and his girlfriend are juggling a lot of family functions and he prefers that my parents come to my house Christmas Day, so he's not spending several hours on the road without an opportunity to truly enjoy the day. My parents could come to my house (they live close), but they refuse to give up their celebration... .which only includes me, my husband, my children/SO and their great-grandchild. Trust me, I've walked this path before. A storm is brewing. If plan to ask them if they can move their time to Christmas Eve and then come to my house on Christmas Day if they want to spend time with my DS28. My mother makes the holidays difficult anyway, and my DS28 has decided that he won't drive out there on Christmas afternoon, because he will be exhausted and he gets tired of his grandmother being completely inflexible and unwilling to acknowledge how hard it is for him coordinate his schedule. He just wants to spend a low-key day with us (and his grandparents if they are wiling to bend) and doesn't understand why his grandparents are so rigid as to WHERE they spend the day. He has a good point. They are incredibly rigid.

As for my daughter and grandson, I am leaning toward inviting them. I've discussed with everyone in my family and we feel strongly that my GS3 is the priority and we don't want to pass up an opportunity to share Christmas with him. If my BPDDD27 is in a good space, it would be nice to share Christmas with her as well. I'm not sure how this will turn out, because earlier this week she's sent an email with a You Tube video of a girl who recording a phone call with her mother, who she declared is a Narcissist. This is her new focus, this week. That I have NPD and this is why she is the way she is. Sigh. So there's that... .

[jdtm]

Wow - I so feel for you.  I was very similar in that I believed everyone's Christmas celebration success and enjoyment was dependent upon me.  Today, I know that is not true.  I tried and tried to please everyone - my parents, my husband's parents, siblings, siblings-in-law, adult children, non-adult children (and, of course, so many church activities).  Until ... .one day a friend of mine said - pick a date and time with your husband and let "each one of them decide whether to come or not to come.  Every Christmas (and every holiday) does not require every person present.  Let them work around your schedule - after all, we count too."  And the same goes for your parents - it is not mandatory that all adults be present for every event; you can say "no" and suggest an alternate time to see them (and you are not responsible for your adult children seeing their grandparents).  My parents sure had trouble with that one.  Surprisingly, my Christmases have been so much better (not to mention easier).  If someone is unable to come, well - perhaps that person (s) can drop in at a later date.   I count too.

As for your daughter's newly-found "reason" for being self-centered, I would acknowledge it and then move on.  That is her problem, not yours.  As mothers we often take on our shoulders burdens that are not ours (thinking we are helping; when, in fact, we are not). 

Christmas is not the fancy tree, big dinners, family get-togethers, presents, music, decorations, etc.  It is about the birth of a baby - a baby that brings hope, peace, joy and love.  I find when I remind myself this, things tend to be put in perspective.  Have a Merry Christmas ... .

[kelc323]

Until ... .one day a friend of mine said - pick a date and time with your husband and let "each one of them decide whether to come or not to come.

JDTM, this is the argument my 74 year old parents make. If I decide not to come on Christmas afternoon so I can have Christmas with my children, they blame me and feel rejected. Obviously, this is an unreasonable response from them, but it's hard to take none-the-less. The sad thing is that they have no other family left to celebrate with. My mother is an only child and her parents are deceased. My dad's parents are deceased and most of his siblings cut off from him years ago because of the drama my mother created in their family. The only family they spend celebrating Christmas with is mine. Last year, when I asked we could spend Christmas day with them, rather than Christmas Eve, was a struggle. My dad got angry, because they "are always accommodating everyone else's schedule." I just don't understand why he gets so angry. They are retired and do not participate in any other family gatherings. I assume it's to protect my mother. Either way, they always host either Christmas Eve or Christmas afternoon/evening with us at their house. My mother insists on evening celebration, because she wants to enjoy the "ambience" of the lights and candles in her home. Ugh.

I guess I will just need to pull up my big girl pants and tell my parents that I can't make their Christmas day celebration, because I am trying to coordinate a time with my children that works for everyone, but that I am able to spend Christmas Eve at their home and they are welcome to come to my house Christmas day, so they can see their oldest grandson. My other two children don't work on Christmas Eve and can be at their house that evening, if they choose to flexible. It's really their call.

I guess if they get upset that's not on me. I just hate it, though. And, you are so right. Christmas is about the birth of our Savior and God's gift to us. Not the freaking ambience! 

[pessim-optimist]

I see the picture gets even more complicated with your parents. 

As long as you think this is doable without burning yourself out over the Christmas Eve and Day, I think you have a good plan. It looks really good for balancing everyone's wants/needs.

How do you and your husband fit into all this - are you going to be able to rest and enjoy each other at all before and after?

[kelc323]

Fortunately, my husband will be home for three weeks over the holidays, so we are looking forward to spending lots of quality time together. I'm so excited! I will keep you posted as to how my parents respond. I just need to stay calm and carry on.