Anyone else: therapist making things worse?

[picturelady]

Has anyone else with a high conflict family (more than one person affected by BPD   ) had the experience of a therapist making things worse in the family?  A therapist becoming an additional player in the drama?   

I have not posted for a long time.  My former posts were about my oldest uBPD daughter, now 26, in recovery from alcoholism and currently doing well.  I also posted about my uBPDh, who is now my uBPDex.  Last May, my youngest daughter (now 16) who has many of the same traits and behaviors as my oldest, attempted suicide.  Police took her to a local hospital, where she completed intensive outpatient therapy.  That only lasted about 3 weeks, due to insurance coverage. 

I knew that our local children's hospital had a DBT program, so I worked hard to get my daughter into it.  We were assigned a therapist who, upon my d's first crisis call (suicidal urges), placed her on hold and subsequently DISCONNECTED THE CALL.  This therapist had not even had ANY DBT training when we started working with her.  (She attended her first training a few weeks into our daughter's treatment.)   My ex went in to see this therapist, told her a boatload of lies, and she believed him.  She tried to counsel my daughter that her dad wasn't all that bad, but that it is her siblings who have colored her view of him.  (He is full-blown Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde, abusive in many aspects but not physically so.)  This therapist has created so much additional trauma, drama, confusion, miscommunication and misunderstanding.  I have gone round and round, trying to repair this therapeutic relationship so that my daughter can get the DBT skills, but it is causing a tremendous amount of damage.

Anyone else had this experience?  Or is it just me?   

Thx,

PictureLady

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

It is not just you! There are many parents here that share this same frustration. It does add to the drama and impacts the recovery for your dd16. Is she in a dbt skills group? Can you speak to this T's supervisor. In my experience inexperience is a major part of taking sides in a family.

I hope you find some success bringing a supervisor into this that IS trained in the family dynamics and generational impacts with your dd. A dbt program at a children's hospital - I would be puzzled at the lack of training too.

QCR

[picturelady]

Thank you qcarolr!  It helps so much just to know one is not alone!

Believe it or not I have talked with the supervisor about 4 times.  During our first conversation she told me they don't typically switch clients to different therapists, but that she would consider making a change for my daughter since this therapist did not appear to be a good fit.  A week later we talked and she said she had talked to my d's therapist, and that the therapist now understood the situation, and that she had changed her mind on allowing my daughter to switch therapists - that would not happen.  So I gave in, desiring my daughter to remain in the program to get the DBT skills training.

The following week when my ex took my d to her appointment, they told my ex that I had cancelled the appointment - which I had not done!  He became upset with me and began texting me.  It later came out that this was a mistake on the part of this very large hospital's scheduling department, but my d's therapist still left me a voicemail saying that I had cancelled the appointment, and that she had texted my daughter about it but never received a reply from my daughter.  Can you say unprofessional?  And bizarre?

I have continued to have additional conversations with the director - she said again that they would try to switch my d to a different therapist... .I then got another call from the therapist saying that they NEVER switch therapists, and that my choices were to keep my d in the program with her, or to remove her from the program.

(To answer your question, yes, my daughter is in a skills group, but the group has instructors that do not work with the teens in any other capacity, and they do not form any type of relationship with them.  So it is purely an informational, class-type setting.  The teens do NOT get to know each other at all - there is no opportunity for interaction - it is very sterile.  Teens and parents attend the sessions together.  I know that this is a typical adolescent DBT model, but in my opinion, not a good one!)

I had another conversation with the director of the program yesterday.  She stated that since my d will have to miss a session next week due to a MANDATORY school band and choir concert on the day of her therapy and skills group, my d will not be able to remain in the program.  This will count as 2 "misses" since her therapy and skills group is on the same day (we were not given any other options for scheduling.)  So she will exceed what they will accept for absences since she had to miss for another concert earlier this school year.  This person did say that they had learned a lot from our situation and that perhaps they could make things better for future clients.  She admitted that they gather NO family information... .didn't even know my ex and I were divorced.  ?  However I did try to provide the therapist with background info, but she was not open to receiving it.  (This therapist used to be a guardian with the courts prior to being a therapist - perhaps this sheds a little light on her background, experience, and leanings?)

I have lost a lot of sleep over this situation!   I am angry and frustrated that they have fueled an already messy, difficult, and painful situation.  I do plan to follow up with the director of behavioral health at this hospital... .if it is not too triggering and exhausting for me... .we will see. 

THANKS AGAIN for the support!

PictureLady

[lever.]

Quite a few people posting here have had experience of a therapist getting drawn into family dynamics in an unhelpful way. It happened to us once.

This therapist does not sound as if she is following the DBT model properly. Ideally she should not have spoken to your daughter's father privately.

I hope that she will soon start working with your daughter properly on DBT skills.

One thing with DBT is that it is not the truth of the situation that matters so much as the person in therapy's perception of it. The therapist does not need to agree with the patient for example that her parent treated her badly she just needs to help her with skills to handle the situation as she perceives it.

I am sorry the therapy has got off to a bad start after your efforts to find the right help for your daughter.

I am sure that the skills group would help her but are they being so inflexible that she is now out of the program?

[qcarolr]

  I do plan to follow up with the director of behavioral health at this hospital... .if it is not too triggering and exhausting for me... .we will see. 

Taking the time needed to follow up with the director, esp. if your DD is no longer in this program, can let you work through some of the emotions. Journaling about the whole experience has been helpful for me. This organizes my thinking, settles my emotions, and draws me more clearly to the most vital points to focus my response on. Then I write out a specific example of each point and a suggestion about a more successful action. If you have an example of this 'successful' action that is useful too. This creates a letter or agenda for a meeting. OK, I am analytically minded plus overwhelmed by my emotions 'in the moment'. This writing process works well for me and I have been using it for many years.

Being told that 'we have learned so much from your (failed) situation' does not make things any better in my family. How about they make improvements then invite my child back to try again!

I have lost a lot of sleep over this situation!   I am angry and frustrated that they have fueled an already messy, difficult, and painful situation.

This does sound really messy. An exH in the picture giving his skewed opinions - WOW. It is hard when two parents are there together and somewhat on the same page.

It seems unconscionable to me to leave the family out of therapy for a family situation. Our teens do not live in a vacuum. The family dynamic is so vital. There is a shift to include family sessions as part of any program. I also think a peer support feature of any teen program, if well run, can add value. Adolescents and teens look to their peers for validation more than to parents. I have even struggled with my DD28 for years with her needing to 'prove' herself in individual therapy before she is invited into a therapeutic peer support group situation. Maybe this is more common at inpatient types of treatment vs. outpatient.

What is the next step for your family?

qcr

[tristesse]

I have had a recent experience very similar to yours, my BPD DD is 31 and very low functioning so she lives in my home, currently working on finding her a place of her own. At any rate, her last Therapist made our situation so much worse, she would tell my DD that we are poison, toxic parents etc. she even gave my DD a book about having such parents. I called this T for help with my DD at one point when my DD was in crisis and suicidal, and she refused to speak to me. Finally my DD realized all on her own that was Therapist was making the situation far worse, and she left of her own accord.

I wish you nothing but peace.

[picturelady]

Wow.  Thanks so much for the input, lever, qcarolr, and tristesse!  I am SO grateful that whenever I come back to these message boards, I always receive sound advice, great questions, support, and (the magic word,) VALIDATION!  Thank you! 

tristesse and lever, so helpful to hear of your experiences.  Thank you.  Long ago when my (now) 26-yr-old was splitting, she convinced a therapist that she was NOT an alcoholic (she has nearly died several times from alcohol poisoning.)  This therapist came on the attack towards me... .asked me why we had sent our daughter to rehab when there were no signs of alcoholism... .and that's just one chapter of the story that you all know so well from experience.

And yet when this is happening again - and with a different therapist - it still blows me away.     After going through Family Connections a few years ago, going to the training and then facilitating parent support groups; and after being on these boards and reading all of the AWESOME information; I feel that perhaps we sometimes set ourselves up for run-ins with naïve or inexperienced therapists?  Because in essence and in experience, we know far more than they do, are far more invested in the training, the educating, the understanding, the learning of setting healthy boundaries.  We HAVE to because this is OUR LIFE.  And we have to live it!  This is not arrogant or a put-down to therapists - we have also experience a few marvelous ones - it is simply reality.

qcarolr, I was strongly considering NOT talking to the director of behavioral health - I felt it was just too traumatizing and draining - until I read your wise post.  Thank you.  I'm going to print it off as a guide.  Tonight I left a voicemail for the director, asking if I might email her regarding my concerns to start off, then follow with a conversation.  We'll see if she is willing to do this.  My daughter's therapist and supervisor were unwilling to do any email communication at all - against their policies.

To answer your question - what is the next step?  I have contacted my daughter's former therapist - awesome person that we have worked with for years.  We will go back to her, but since she is good she has no openings for about a month... .kinda concerned about that... .I have emailed her to update her on the mess with Children's Hospital.  She is great and always gets back to me.  Somehow she is able to work with a number of members of our family - even though we are pretty messy with several members having uPD, addiction, etc.  So we will see!

Thanks again to all!  Thx for the kind wishes for peace, tristesse... .that meant a lot to me.

Hugs and best to all,

PictureLady   

[theplotthickens]

You are not alone... .and I found that a Professional victim like a BPDer always knows how to manipulate a therapist.  If a therapist doesn't "get it," I found that  no amount of talking to them helped; they merely dismissed what I had to say and found every excuse imaginable for dd's behavior.  This worsened the BPD behaviors by  making her more emboldened at home, by enabling my daughter to continue to play the blame game rather than take responsibility.

What I have done when  can't switch therapists, is simply set a boundary that I will not go to family therapy if my daughter wants to play games.  It is within your control to attend family sessions or refuse them - the goal is NOT to add stress to your life.The BPD is very hard for a therapist without extensive BPD therapy to treat.  Family therapy always made things worse; without exception.  I am may be willing to see a therapist 1:1, seprately, but I refuse to do family sessions.  Without me in the picture, the therapists tend to work on dd's individual issues more, so it is an option open to you.

I wish you peace and acceptance.  :)on't let them push you around or bully you.  You know what is going on, and if they don't get it, who is paying them?  They actually work for you, if you are paying the bills, so keep that one in mind.  If they are clueless, fire them and find someone who is more intuitive and helpful.

I haven't read any of the follow-up posts, but I will catch up when I can.  Family therapy bites, when our kids triangulate and put us in the Persecute role and the therapist as Rescuer.  It happens very frequently to us parents.  

Wishing you a better outcome in the next few days.

[ProfDaddy]

Even if therapists can resist being drawn into the family drama, this is an extreme situation and many therapists can't be constructive or helpful.  Sometimes you also just don't connect with a therapist. Our situation is my ex is uBPD, my S10 is dpbd, and D13 has mild depression and anxiety.  We started with a Cognitive Behavioral therapist -- our problems were beyond her skill set.  Moved to a MSW, he wasn't helpful.  Finally moved to an MSW who takes an attachment approach -- she is excellent.  If you have given your therapist a solid try, move on, find another. 

[picturelady]

Thanks, theplotthickens and ProfDaddy, it's always so helpful to hear of others' similar experiences. 

theplotthickens, good reminder - I DO know what's going on, and I AM the one paying them!  I often forget that.  I also see a pattern in myself of initially reverting back with a new therapist - assuming they know as much as I do - when typically they don't.  They simply CAN'T, if they have never lived with these BPD behaviors, if they have never had to claw their way out of the huge black hole of confusion and pain to fight for their own life. 

ProfDaddy, also a great reminder that this is an extreme situation, and probably MOST therapists would be in way over their heads.  I always assume that people working in a DBT program will be highly trained and skilled... .not a great assumption.  I recently went to the NEA BPD website and reviewed their advice on selecting (interviewing) a DBT therapist.

Best to all!   

PictureLady

[qcarolr]

Finally moved to an MSW who takes an attachment approach -- she is excellent. 

Our family is very grateful for the child/family T that has worked with mostly gd9 and I. DD28 met with us a few times over the past 5 years. Dh has done a joint session with me a couple times a year. She started applying Attachment Focused Family Therapy principles with our family a couple years ago. There has been giant improvement in gd's responses to her therapy. Gd's issues are mostly PTSD and anxiety.

She has also helped me, and communicated with my personal T, in becoming aware and working through many attachment  issues from my own life. This has opened my heart to new ideas in coping with the complexity of our family.

Our troubled kids, especially those still at home, are part of a family. There is a much greater potential for lasting changes when the whole family is involved.

DBT skills do help with managing BPD. This first step is essential for deeper therapies can bring longer term changes. I have to accept that this is a slow process that will be a part of my family ongoing.

Hope this makes some sense. Good luck in your search for support that can bring change in your DD and for your family.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders