Missing her but Knowing the Truth

[outside9x]

Hi, Well, they say, sometimes, the truth hurts.  It does.

I am missing her today, remembering the excitement of going out with her , and being together.  I also know the truth that in everyway, because of the BPD it was all about her, her thoughts, emotions, etc.  The raging, the anger, the hate, the splitting, black and white, the crying , the multi break ups, the accusation, all the pain.  And you remember, besides what you felt and how you trying to brush all that aside, how terribly painful, and how it worn you out, and torn you up and  no matter what you did for them , or how much you would love them.  Crazy!  Ah, the prize beauty pouring her adoration and love to you and hating you chopping you down without notice.

So then I remember , this is why it can never be , and yes, we try, o r I did, to think somehow they magically will get better, maybe with age, maybe because of the experience, maybe because they get real with themselves and it tired them out too.  All this, I thought, but the truth, is its a long shot at best.  A very long shot.

I am lucky, I have another that I care about, that loves me, and I love her, but haunting memories sometime knock me off course, and I try to get back on.  I want to be fair, so I will with her.

So, I will see how this goes.  I don't hate the BPD's of this world but I wish they would seek help.  I know I have a part in this dance.  But they do destroy if you let them and I did.

I guess, I am just writing to release and for those that are struggling to.  The realization really stinks but its true.  It's not something you should willing want to put up with day in and day out if you have a choice. It will kill who you are. 

It does get better when you go N/C and let go , I am not as sad and many days very happy, it's the slumps you run into, and they are unfortunately are part of life, but I see them getting less and less, the more I let it go.  The brain and emotions need to connect and catch up.  The fantasy and excitement  that you thought was real wasn't.

The love you will feel will be warm, and inviting.  Comfortable and calm. The other was that roller coaster ride that always comes to and end! 

[evilpepsi]

My ex wanted help but felt like she was continually drowning in life. Some want it but cannot take that first step or do not have the support system in place. My ex is a beautiful person in spite of her BPD. I know the woman that she so desperately wants to become. I have sat with her while she cried about how much she hates her life and has no control over it. She feels helpless.

I also used to date another woman with BPD and after years of therapy she is recovering. It DOES work... .

[outside9x]

Yes, I believe therapy can help and does work, but so very few see the need to go, and the ones that do, have a very tough time stay in therapy.  It's a hard things for them as I have read, hence the low percentage but yes, its possible.  All things are! 

[Loveofhislife]

Outside9x:

I could have written your post this morning.  So, the question is what is that I'm really missing?  I read a great article the other day that said to ask ourselves what is/was the pwBPD or narcissist providing for us that we are not providing for ourselves? I continue to ponder that.

What I do know from reading is that I'm a codependent who severed off many bad emotions (that never were validated in my childhood).  For every calm, cool, logical, resourceful thought and action I took, my exbfBPD provided the opposite:  frenetic, reactionary, emotional, angry.

I must have been able to "feel" those emotions foreign to me through him--perhaps for the first time in my life.  With that, came a certain "aliveness"--right up until it nearly killed me.  I continue to have some severe physical problems due to the one-year overdose of cortisol exbfBPD helped to create in my body.  As I've written before, my body knew better than my heart or mind and was the first to give out.

The other part about being codependent and missing pwBPD is that a lot of CODA's learned not only how to sever off their own "bad" feelings but also to overlook the "bad" behaviors of their FOO, their SO's, their friends, etc.  I am considered to have a VERY HIGH TOLERANCE for unacceptable behavior in others with absolutely zero tolerance for my "bad" behavior.

Anyway, I know that there was a very real "withdrawal" from the BPD drug for me, and it literally manifest in my body--when I was diagnosed as legally blind in my left eye two weeks after I was suddenly and unpredictably abandoned by exbfBPD.

So, I think the question is... .what is it that we're missing?