has anyone ever brought up the topic of BPD with an ex?

[ManyPieces]

well i broke NC with my ex. He was going through a hard time, he was suffering with addiction and i wasnt aware of teh severity and had to leave work. I guess i reached out because i was worried about him. Before he went to rehab i went over and we watched movies and he told me he loved me and always would. He called me everyday in rehab sometimes twice a day.

I went to see him and he kissed me on the lips and was asking me to send him an email with memories of us to help him through it all. I even bought him a journal and his fave snacks. Later that night i waited for his nightly phone call and it didnt come. I asked about the kiss in an email and he responded with I love you but only as a friend. he said its normal to fall out of love. Its hard for me to accept since he has said this SOO many times and he always had come back. Why Kiss me, why ask for those memories.

Why bring my photo ro rehab. I accept its over and i was starting to get my life back... .but i still want answers. In our last conversation i brought up behaviors in our relationship and it resembling BPD traits and he freaked out and swore at me. He said i wasnt a professional and shouldnt diagnose which i would NEVER do. I just brought it up. I feel terrible that he felt accused of having a disorder. That wasnt my intention.


I Had to block his number and him from facebook because i need to walk away. I am still feeling confused and hurt. I am scared I will see him in a healthy relationship one day and treat a girl the way i should have been treated.

[Turkish]

His reaction is about like most. I brought it up once, when I was triggered because I interpreted what she said as taking the kids from me. She told me later that "it scared the crap out of me." Of course, months later, as we were living in the same house and she was all but throwing her juvenile r/s in my face while neglecting the kids (not all of the time, but enough so it affected them), she self-diagnosed herself with an unnamed "attachment disorder." I didn't respond to that. What triggered that was when she said her bf ("He's not my bf, I don't, know what I have with him!" was adopted. Being adopted myself, I said that she had better be careful as adoptees often come with a lot of emotional problems and issues. Thus she initiated a google search and came to me with her "attachment disorder."

I had landed here by that time, and saw stories similar to yours, and remained silent. We even have a discussion on it:

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Though we have had members talk to their SO's about it with varying stories of success (at least not rage and projection), it's generally thought not to be a fruitful discussion.

[billypilgrim]

I sort of did, albeit inadvertently. 

When she left, I was pretty confused.  A few family members, one coincidentally who has been married to a pwBPD for years, mentioned in to my mother when she told him about my ex leaving.  He sent me some material to read - one being Stop Walking on Egg Shells, the other being I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.  When my ex came back a few days later for the rest of her stuff while I was at work (we agreed to this), she went through my night stand and found the books.  She confronted me about it later.  She said, "I don't know who you think I am but I saw the stuff in your night stand.  I'm not that, ok?" I just sort of mumbled something back, I don't really remember what I said back but needless to say, it didn't help things.

I went NC shortly after that and things with her have just continued to proved that she is exactly what she thinks she's not.

[eyvindr]

This --

She said, "I don't know who you think I am but I saw the stuff in your night stand.  I'm not that, ok?"

My ex said it, too. Equally inaccurate statement, on her part.

What's most interesting about this is, as is so often the case -- the exact same words and tone. As if they're calling you on some scheme -- "hey, smart-guy -- heads up. I know what you're up to, and you're busted. Drop it, ok? Let's not go there."

Now, step back with some objectivity, and ask yourself -- does that sound like anything but a big fat "stop looking here! I don't want you to see what's there! it's a secret!" Once you remove all of the emotion, it's just so sad they way they live their lives, the denial, the masks, the pretending to be things no one wants or cares about. Just sad.

[Tim300]

"has anyone ever brought up the topic of BPD with an ex?"

I have been NC with my ex since the final breakup, so I haven't had a chance to discuss BPD with her after the relationship ended (and I don't plan on breaking NC).  However, I did bring up BPD a few times in the final few months of the relationship, especially in the final few weeks when I began zeroing in on this being the name for her problems (she had acknowledged that she had "issues".  I asked her, "Have you ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder?" and she got very anxious (like her heart stop beating) and said "You think I have that don't you?"  Maybe a week later I asked her, ":)o you think you have Borderline Personality Disorder?" and she looked away from me and replied, "I am afraid to say yes because it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy."  This was one flash of honesty from her; although, I don't think she was completely forthcoming with me -- I have a few reasons to think that she's been formally diagnosed with BPD but was keeping this hidden from me (who knows, but she did omit info about other serious health issues and her massive debts).  

She ended the relationship pretty soon after she figured out that I knew she was a pwBPD and what that meant.  This timing might have been a coincidence (things had been unraveling).  I don't know.  I do wonder if she previously disclosed her condition to an earlier suitor and the guy immediately ran off.  She might equate being found out to abandonment being imminent.

I am curious as to how the relationship dynamic might have changed if I had kept my BPD knowledge secret, learned about BPD, and adapted my behavior.  This probably would have only delayed the inevitable though, and probably by only a few months.  Living together seemed to drive her BPD traits through the roof after only about a month.

I have another ex who I strongly suspect has BPD (it was a very short-term relationship and she now lives very far away).  We keep in LC.  Same goes for a friend of mine who I suspect has it.  If I meet with either at some point, I plan to keep my BPD knowledge secret for at least awhile.  I would like to pick their brains just out of curiosity, knowing what I now know.  Also, I suspect that if I bring up BPD to either, either one would cut me out and start a smear campaign against me (out of fear that I've figured them out).

[Blimblam]

I did but durring a period she was wanting to see me again.  She told me she thinks so too and she is fine with it.  It put me in a position of she had accepted herself and do I accept her.  I then rejected her.  I was too triggered by her at that point.  That reinforced me as a trigger for her.  It still makes me sad when I think about it. 

[Tim300]

This --

She said, "I don't know who you think I am but I saw the stuff in your night stand.  I'm not that, ok?"

My ex said it, too. Equally inaccurate statement, on her part.

What's most interesting about this is, as is so often the case -- the exact same words and tone. As if they're calling you on some scheme -- "hey, smart-guy -- heads up. I know what you're up to, and you're busted. Drop it, ok? Let's not go there."

Now, step back with some objectivity, and ask yourself -- does that sound like anything but a big fat "stop looking here! I don't want you to see what's there! it's a secret!" Once you remove all of the emotion, it's just so sad they way they live their lives, the denial, the masks, the pretending to be things no one wants or cares about. Just sad.

Well written.  

Yeah, it seems like for most pwBPD in a relationship, if they want their relationship to have a fighting chance, they're going to need to tell their SO, "I have Borderline Personality Disorder.  This impacts my relationships, here is a book about it that I think you should read."  Otherwise, the non is just left completely clueless, and will likely respond to odd BPD behaviors in all the wrong ways.  My ex did try to warn me that she has "abandonment issues" and that she's had a few bad breakups, but this really didn't tip me off to exactly what I was in store for.

[Waifed]

I told my ex a couple of weeks after we broke off the relationship that I thought she might suffer from BPD.  She told me to stop harassing her and then went to the police.  I had not initiated a conversation with her one time in the previous two weeks.  She had the police ask me not to contact her friends or her again.  I said no problem and we never spoke again.  It was a pretty strange way to end a 3 year relationship, especially since she had asked me why I wouldn't contact her just a few hours earlier.  

I'm pretty sure she knew she did have BPD or at the very least knew she has major issues with relationships.  I just wanted to help get her in therapy at the time.  Looking back at this 16 months later i realize it was pointless.  She is incapable of admitting that she has an issue and more importantly acting on it.  I am better off now and she is probably reliving the same cycle over and over. I wouldn't know.  I have not spoken to her nor heard anything about her except when she called my office to tell her previous direct report (who she couldn't stand)  that she had moved on from her recent job.  Sad, but its not my problem any more thankfully.  I no longer feel the need to rescue her and most of the painful things she did to me have begun to completely fade away (I am still triggered sometimes though).  

[Tim300]

I told my ex a couple of weeks after we broke off the relationship that I thought she might suffer from BPD.  She told me to stop harassing her and then went to the police.  I had not initiated a conversation with her one time in the previous two weeks.  She had the police ask me not to contact her friends or her again.  I said no problem and we never spoke again.  It was a pretty strange way to end a 3 year relationship, especially since she had asked me why I wouldn't contact her just a few hours earlier.  

Mine would do crazy flip flops of telling me not to contact her in any way and then asking me why I didn't show up at her apartment anyway to see her.  Just crazy stuff, but the best response is to disengage because at some point she might get the police involved.

In any event, I think your story is telling.  I think it's likely that you struck extreme fear in her that you'd figured her out and might even tell her friends about BPD.  Think about it, a single pwBPD who gets figured out loses all of her power.  The game is over.  Everything she lives for (the crazy BPDisms) would all become dis-enabled.  Guys who had the inside scoop about all that BPD entails would either stay away or maybe just use her and drop her (especially as soon as she starts making any BPD/NPD demands).  Accordingly, a strategic pwBPD will probably try to keep anyone who has figured her out, far, far, far away.

[Waifed]

I told my ex a couple of weeks after we broke off the relationship that I thought she might suffer from BPD.  She told me to stop harassing her and then went to the police.  I had not initiated a conversation with her one time in the previous two weeks.  She had the police ask me not to contact her friends or her again.  I said no problem and we never spoke again.  It was a pretty strange way to end a 3 year relationship, especially since she had asked me why I wouldn't contact her just a few hours earlier.  

Mine would do crazy flip flops of telling me not to contact her in any way and then asking me why I didn't show up at her apartment anyway to see her.  Just crazy stuff, but the best response is to disengage because at some point she might get the police involved.

In any event, I think your story is telling.  I think it's likely that you struck extreme fear in her that you'd figured her out and might even tell her friends about BPD.  Think about it, a single pwBPD who gets figured out loses all of her power.  The game is over.  Everything she lives for (the crazy BPDisms) would all become dis-enabled.  Guys who had the inside scoop about all that BPD entails would either stay away or maybe just use her and drop her (especially as soon as she starts making any BPD/NPD demands).  Accordingly, a strategic pwBPD will probably try to keep anyone who has figured her out, far, far, far away.

Absolutely.  I would be very surprised if she tried to make contact with me in any way unless she was very dysregulated or hit rock bottom.  Her contacting the police was really what I needed to completely cut ties with her as well.  A win, win situation !

[billypilgrim]

Now, step back with some objectivity, and ask yourself -- does that sound like anything but a big fat "stop looking here! I don't want you to see what's there! it's a secret!" Once you remove all of the emotion, it's just so sad they way they live their lives, the denial, the masks, the pretending to be things no one wants or cares about. Just sad.

Agree completely.  In addition, I think approaching them or bringing up to them that they have a disorder, of any kind, flips the script on them.  They blame us for everything, right?  Mine certainly held me responsible when she was the one wanting to leave.  In her eyes, I'm the problem.  But if you flip that around on them, suddenly they're the ones at fault.  Her issues are the reason why she is leaving and why she is so unhappy.  There's something wrong with them and that just doesn't compute with people with BPD.  How can they be the victim when they are actually the culprit? 

I've wondered what mine actually thinks about everything.  Before she left, she told me that she wanted to see the same psychiatrist that her mom sees (her mother is a dBPD).  It's funny because it never even crossed my mind that something could be up with our r/s.  I just figured she wanted to talk about stuff going on with her.  2 weeks later, she was out the door.   

[Hazelrah]

I never had to tell my ex-W that I thought she had BPD…she was diagnosed by two separate professionals while we were still together.  Unlike some of the defiant folks I hear about in this thread, at first she embraced it as a means to (1) explain to her why she’d always felt the way she did, and (2) excuse all prior and future behavior because she was disordered.  My tendency (curse?) to want to evaluate things rationally was a bad mix for her BPD…by the time I learned about validation techniques, things were likely too far gone.  I’ll give her credit in that she did dedicate herself to therapy…for a while.  Once she left, she stopped DBT for, as her new/old boyfriend told her, she was fine and everyone else was crazy.