How do you share custody over holidays?

[Vitto18]

Hello bpdfamily.com fam,

I would like to ask the more experienced members here how they handle child custody over holidays, & even birthday's once separated from your BPDex?

I separated from my BPDex for almost a year now, after a 6 year r\s which produced two beautiful children, and we have yet to sit down & work out any proper custody arrangements thus far. My son (5yrs) lives with me & my daughter(who is turning 2 later this December) lives with uBPDex. At the moment we spend alternate weekends with both kids, but this is a default position. I would like to apply for full or majority custody, but I have no stomach for another fight with a pwBPD, so I am allowing the status quo, with all its problems, prevail for now.

Would like some advice on how to negotiate & navigate the inevitable conflict,n that come with trying to reason with someone with BPD?

[ForeverDad]

Well, there probably will be a struggle but no one can predict in advance how intense it may be.  But there are patterns that can be identified and various strategies as well.

Most of us fathers have had to deal with highly possessive and entitled mothers.  Probably in part that is due to those seeking help and arriving here have been those most deeply impacted.  For example, those who became parents with a 'low functioning' person with BPD (pwBPD) may not have such an uphill struggle.

It would be good to (very quietly) confirm in advance that both children are yours.  With her past history in mind, today's technology with DNA testing can make you 100% sure they are yours.  While they've been raised with you as their father and they probably are yours and even if you weren't you'd still want to be in their lives, this information could help you in case she tries to obstruct you by claiming they are someone else's kids.  Your decision whether to do this though.

How much time do the children spend together?  Just those weekends?  If at all possible try to avoid an order where the children live apart from each other.  The concepts of "The Parent Trap" when the children are split between the parents is not a popular nor good one.  Courts generally avoid those concepts too.  The children should be together as much as possible.

So keep that as a long term goal, for you to raise the children together, of course the sooner accomplished the better.  Your daughter is still young but maybe that can be your goal in the next year or so?  It would not be good for her to perceive one child as the Golden favored child and the other as the rejected one.

To continue that thought, the fact that you are raising the older child indicates she may not be as possessive and entitled as many mothers described here.  So while it may be difficult to settle on a solution, you may be able to have her end up agreeing to what you put forth as the most practical solutions.

You made mention in a prior post that there was an older daughter that lived with her father?  If that was accomplished without a years-long legal struggle then you may take that as an indication you can succeed as well without too much court intervention.

How to do it?  Having firm boundaries that almost never change since any changes will make the boundaries appear weakened or discarded.  You've already experienced how being reasonable and accommodating worked with the petrol expenses.  She perceived an exception as the new boundary, the new rule.  So accept now that being too reasonable and too fair will weaken the boundaries you need.  There will always be exceptions needed now and then but keep them limited and short term and clearly spelled out, it had to be in writing for most here.

Check to see what your local family courts have set as standard holiday and event schedules.  That way when she resists your efforts and solutions you can have those schedules as backup support.

What sabotaged me was that the court schedule listed every holiday and event for every religion possible.  When you ponder the official schedules make sure any that you don't observe are clearly excluded.

For us here, we've learned that our ex was the "irresistible force" and so we have had to be the "immovable object" in order to find success in a difficult situation.