Divorce Pending: Any insight from vets

[NumbOne]

I remain optimistic but much damage has been done to my 21 year marriage. I was devalued 4 years ago by high fx BPD wife. I tried hard only to get beaten, or ignored, back each time. Essentially, we have not been intimate for years.

I am concerned for my wife and kids both. I also fear that my ability to trust her has been irreparably damaged due to her lack of transparency / lies. I believe she is about to hit me with some really bad news. This is on top of the divorce she filed last week. I believe the divorce was a proactive strike to ensure custody of our 2 boys. She realized that the truth had a reasonable chance of me filing and tried to knock me off my feet and take advantage of my confusion.

Since I am new, appreciate insight from vets! Thx

[NewWays]

NumberOne... .

We all remember the exact time we heard the three letters that we would never forget for the rest of our lives.

There are many people here that have all walked your path.  livednlearned, maxen, Skip, ForeverDad and all the others have all been through what you and many of us have experienced.  As advisors they have walked more than a mile in your shoes and truly understand the reality of what is really going on and what role you played in where your marriage is at right now.

Engage them, they hold a level of insight, experience and wisdom that will be a great help to you and your children as you go through what will be one of the most difficult times of your life.

NewWays

[ForeverDad]

Sadly this path is usually out of our hands.  No matter what we do, how much we juggle and appease or how hard we try, it all boils down to whether the other spouse will improve thinking, perceptions and behaviors - or not.

When I separated - by getting the police involved - the conflict shifted into high gear.  We had been married for some 15 years but due to us having a preschooler she had to find some way to claim I was behaving worse than her.  Every allegation turned out to be "unsubstantiated" but that didn't stop her from making more and that didn't stop the agencies from investigating each one as though this time there was fire and not just smoke.

Right now - in the filing for separation and divorce - it is a particularly dangerous time for you.  If she has ever threatened or even contemplated making allegations of DV, child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment, now is when it is most likely to be alleged in an effort to overwhelm any statements you might make of her being the major cause of the marriage's failure.  So be very careful during this period, don't let her frame you for any poor behaviors, whether claimed, maneuvered or actual.  Don't let her make you angry or reply to her in any way that could be interpreted as you being an angry man.

Do you have legal representation?  If not then start looking for an experienced problem-solving family law attorney, one who is far more than a paper-pusher, forms-filer or hands-holder.  You need experienced local support.  Better safe than sorry.

Remember that a high conflict divorce, one that involves custody, can be viewed by the other as a War of sorts.  You married thinking she would be your closest and bestest friend, you didn't want her as an Enemy but that may be how she perceives it, how it is.

Do you have Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger?  It is a handbook about high conflict separations and divorces that saved many of us from common missteps and from getting devoured in the legal arena.

I recall my lawyer said a divorce with children would be 7-9 months.  It became nearly two years of posturing as the victim, increasingly scary allegations of abuse and endless continuances and non-response.

What would help us to give my focused advice is to know the age group of your children.  Are they in their teens or still in grade school?

[Skip]

Since I am new, appreciate insight from vets! Thx

Don't lose your cool.

Family court is scary place, your ex knows how to push your buttons, and lawyers make money when fights ensue. The deck is stacked for a lot of messiness and you will really need to keep your wits about you to navigate it.

Finding a mature lawyer who understands high conflict divorce and doesn't want to stir the fight is good place to start.

[Panda39]

Don't lose your cool.

I agree with the above it is very important.  Even though you will have many things to be angry about keep your anger under control.  Don't give your wife any ammunition.

My SO other after a contentious phone call with his uBPDxw threw the phone into the couch in the presence of his children who were already being manipulated by mom to alienate their dad.  Throwing the phone into the couch, became refusing to let the children call their mother, then became dad refused to let his daughters leave, then became charges of child abuse, then court ordered separation from his daughters and finally it became an appearance in court.

My SO showed up at court told his story, was reminded to manage his anger, and found not guilty of child abuse.

The his uBPDxw who was soo concerned about the well being of her children in the presence of their horrible angry dad... .didn't even bother to show up to court she was out with their younger daughter getting a manicure 

My SO has said if he had it to do again he would have kept the anger under his hat.  It was counter productive. 

[livednlearned]

Hi NumbOne,

This is probably not something that will make much sense at the early stages of your divorce, but in so many ways, my BPD divorce was a major turning point that turned out to be a blessing. An excruciating, painful, wearying blessing, but a blessing nonetheless. There is another side to all this pain and suffering, and you won't be the same man when the whole thing is over. You'll be better. I wish someone had told me that when I started the process so that the dark nights of the soul weren't so pitch black. You have friends here who understand what these relationships and marriages and divorces are like, and that kind of support is priceless. Consider us part of your toolkit. That, and a really good therapist.  

A really good way to keep your cool is to document everything -- treat it like a job. I kept track of things in a Google calendar so that I could pull up the chronology of events when needed. Your emotions will flood a bit during the next months, maybe more, and it can get hard to think straight.

Another good way to keep your cool is to remember that lawyers and judges and the whole family court systems knows that things are raw and emotional during the early stages of divorce. In a sense, everyone is waiting for things to cool down, and they know that the first six months or so are very emotional. People have been hurt for years, the court system is not very well equipped to deal with human emotions, and everything costs a lot of money. Hardly an ideal situation. I know it's not quite this simple, but I do think that the person who can regulate his or her feelings the best tends to do better in family court. That doesn't mean be passive, it means that you be assertive and have good boundaries. And be prepared and organized. Document everything!

You may get legal documents from your wife's lawyer that make your blood pressure rise, and you could be the target of false allegations. It's really awful to hear a total stranger -- like your wife's lawyer -- make false allegations in a court room or in front of a mediator. Part of this is theater. Ignore the drama if you can, or better yet, set up weekly appointments with your therapist so you can process this stuff. It's hard to do on your own, and friends will have a hard time understanding what you're going through. But take the allegations seriously and prepare a strategy with your lawyer so you end up with a reasonable outcome.

The book that FD recommended is a good place to start. Bill Eddy was a family counselor before he became a family law attorney. He noticed that there were high-conflict divorces in which one of the parties seemed to have a personality disorder. His book is written to help us understand how family court works, and in particular, what happens when someone who has a personality disorder begins to use the system. You can download a copy to your computer from Amazon and read it in a day. Also, if you're looking for a lawyer who has experience with high-conflict divorces, google "parental alienation" and family law attorneys in your area, or "high-conflict divorce." That seems to be the code for lawyers who deal with these kinds of cases. If you can't find someone with that kind of experience, there are other ways to find lawyers who understand these divorces. And the collective wisdom you'll get from people on these boards will go a long way.

About your situation -- As far as I can tell, there is only one advantage when a party files for divorce first, and that is psychological. You will become the "defendant," but this is not criminal court, so it's just a legal term for the person who receives the complaint. But you do need to catch up and get a lawyer, and start putting together a strategy that will help minimize the conflict.

We're here for you -- you're not alone.

[ugghh]

I am concerned for my wife and kids both. I also fear that my ability to trust her has been irreparably damaged due to her lack of transparency / lies.

You sound as if you are still in victim of abuse mode.  At this time you are standing on the train tracks and watching the train coming at you - you will need to make a decision.  Are you going to let the train (your BPDw) hit you and then apologize for throwing it off schedule or are you going to step off the tracks and give you and your sons a chance at a less chaotic life. 

You did not mention whether your BPDw is undiagnosed (uBPDw) or diagnosed (dBPDW).  It doesn't matter a lot as the behaviors are similar, but it does matter in how you present her behaviors to the support your case.

Keep coming back here and you will find a community ready to support you that has walked the same path you are facing.  BPDs tend to follow a very familiar pattern aimed at continuing to push your buttons and keep you under control, hence your stbx trying to catch you off guard by filing first.   While it is not in and of itself a huge legal advantage, it does signal that she is probably 10 steps ahead of you already.  I am going to post below a list of the common advice I give to people who are beginning this process.  It is a compilation of advice given on this board as well as few other forums i visit. 

I promise you there is a better way than what you have been experiencing for the last 21 years.

1) Get a therapist for yourself.  Not a marriage counselor, but someone whose job is to help you get your head on straight in this incredibly stressful time. 

2) Get an experienced divorce/family law attorney.  This is also not a job for new attorney. If you interview an attorney and he or she says they always settle and you will not need to go to court, that is not the attorney for you.

3) Be prepared for the false restraining order.  This is a very common reaction from the BPD playbook. 

4) Get a digital audio recorder or two.  You should never be around your stbx without a recorder running. 

5) Don’t be afraid to tell family and friends.  Too often we try to hide what is happening in our relationship from a sense of embarrassment, pride or fear.   

6) Have an emergency escape plan.  This often dovetails with beginning to reach out to family and friends.   In many states if there is a domestic violence complaint, one of the parties is leaving the house for the night.  Even if you are innocent it could be you. 

7) Videotape the house.  There is a very real possibility that your stbx will lock you out/ destroy things/ sell things, etc

8) Document, document, document - If you have kids, you are likely their best connection both to reality and stability in the chaos of the BPD.  Once of the best tools at your disposal costs nothing but a bit of your time.  A simple journal of what you do for your kids each day.  If you can add pictures and mementos, even better. 

9) Don’t take legal advice from your stbx.  You may find yourself at the end of a stream of threats from your stbx about what the courts are going to do when they report all your transgressions.   Tune it out. 

10) Don’t expect the process to be cheap or fast.  Remember that pwBPD usually feel very entitled and in fact if you quiz them they often have a very distorted sense of what it really costs to live. 

11) Take action to separate your finances.  Redirect your pay into an account into which only you have access.  Cut off joint credit cards.  This does not mean stop paying the bills, it simply means you control how they are paid.

12) Avoid face to face or telephone communications whenever possible.  pwBPD live for the conflict of these and you have no documentation of what was said.  Email is always preferable.

13) Practice radio silence.  You communicate only about what issues are essential to get through the day, such as kid’s schedules, etc.  Your job is not to look out for your stbx.  Preferably via email.

14) Make copies of all important documents you may need and store them in a secure off-site location.

15) Do not expect a neutral playing field when dealing with custody evaluators, guardian at litem, friend of the court, etc.  Do not get drawn into bashing your stbx.  The goal is to show how involved you are with your kids. 

16) Don’t be in hurry, especially with a high functioning BPD.  Time provides a chance for you to document your pwBPD unstable behaviors, which they might hide over a short term.  The goal is not to have them diagnosed, but simply to show patterns of behavior.

Again, welcome.

[ogopogodude]

Go to the Ministry of Children and Family Development.  This is what they call it here in Canada. It is also known as Social Services.  This is what I did.  I specifically asked for an agent that was well informed about BPD.  Then go often to this agent like a counsellor.  Tell the truth.  There is nothing, ... .and I mean nothing like a social worker that believes you, and is in your corner of the boxing ring.  Like Livenlearned mentioned, ... .document everything.  Sounds corny or too much work, but be like a school girl and make a diary.  

(Oh, ... .and did I forget to mention videotape and audio tape everything... ? This really worked for me, including saving ALL texts sent your way from your ex)

It is a matter of protecting oneself. It really is that simple.

From what I remember reading from one of Randi Kreger's books, I believe she stated to have a good relationship with the local police detachment.  I did this also, ... .I met with police often (enough) that they finally knew that with any domestic violence issues, ... .it wouldn't be me in the handcuffs being hauled away.