Totally Confused over BPD ex Girlfriend

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all. This is my first post and I hope you all can give me the time and advice to allow me to rationalise what I have been through.

I met my now ex girlfriend (who is diagnosed with BPD and I have only looked at this disorder since we broke up) back in March 2013. I don't wish to pre judge but there seemed to be some red flags when we first got together. She is 14 years younger than me at 28 and has had a catalogue of relatively short term relationships including two children from two different fathers.

Inevitably the first 6 months of the relationship were like nothing I have ever know. Stunningly attractive, funny, charismatic - a real head turner. I was very much seduced and she was, as I talking about us being together forever, soul mates etc. The relationship looking back seemed to move at break neck speed - she was keen for me early on to meet her children, saw her almost every night within a matter of weeks.

Stupidly I asked her to marry me and again, without judging me I then had second thoughts having thought this is too early. It was foolish of me to propose and it hurt her quite bad at the time.

After 6 months I felt a little smothered and this continued for a while. Since the October mark, about 6 months I started to see a different side to her including some fierce rages and quite irrational behaviour. She told me very little about her ex's, but maintained that she was subject of physical abuse from one of them that is one of the fathers to her children, that resulted in her calling the police. I found this strange given the seemingly positive relationship she had with him, including letting her other child stay over at his house.

At Christmas she flew in to a drunken rage at me with one of my friends present in the room and started talking about if things didn't go her own way she would see she had been hit and call police - sounds familiar? My friend at the time told me to run a mile and I did for about three weeks when she contacted me again saying she "missed me". Foolishly I let her back in my life but since then small quarrels and arguments from the past between us came up and I could not understand the total disproportionate behaviour and rages. It was like I had become the devil totally - constantly saying that her needs were never first and I was completely selfish. This included the way she behaved over wanting £400 from me for some outfit etc... .again I cannot emphasise enough the disproportionate response for her crazy behaviour.

Cut a long story short break ups in April and then May always resulted in her seeing a "make up present" as being the way to resolve things. She constantly needed me ringing her up and texting and she got in the habit of calling my PA to see where I was, who I was with. She would call the pub. When together if another woman came in the room she would quickly look at me to see if I was looking at them - I was completely walking on egg shells all of the time.

We ended up holidaying in August and having a bust up. We saw each other most days and communicated with each other most of the time - but she used to say "when you are not here I miss you but when I see you I hate you". I made a huge effort to put her first, almost over compensating - but her treatment of me was just like I was the devil - e.g helping her out with decorating and she would rant it wasn't good enough is just one thing!

It got to October and we were neither on/off and eventually I was sick of the abuse - she said she was "trying" to get the feeling back and I said that I was trying but was just persistently turned black - nothing I could do or say was right - I think this is the devaluation - that I have probably with hindsight had since Christmas!

After two weeks of non-contact I sent her a text and got the "who's this", "never contact me again" and a long vitriolic and aggressive text about me being the cause of a destructive relationship etc and to read it was like I was reading something she was saying about herself - I recognised her and not me - I think that is the projection thing I believe. She has dived straight in to another relationship within days, though I suspect she was targeting someone. Throughout  October and early November there was contact now she has I believe gone final discard as she seems to have the confidence of not needing to cling contact wise to me - i.e. she has new supply or a replacement.

It has left me in a whirl as it was only a 18 month relationship and frankly 6 months were great and the rest I feel like I have been in drama 24/7 something that I am not used to. I have since been told by one or tow people that she is a "wrong un" and bad news and a bit crazy. As I am now split black and evil - and the final discard appeared very sudden I have two questions:

1.  Do they contact you in the future?

2.  Is the painting "black" permanent

3.  Why is it so hard to move on - even though she is wrong for me long term

[confused1730]

Hi all. This is my first post and I hope you all can give me the time and advice to allow me to rationalise what I have been through.

I met my now ex girlfriend (who is diagnosed with BPD and I have only looked at this disorder since we broke up) back in March 2013. I don't wish to pre judge but there seemed to be some red flags when we first got together. She is 14 years younger than me at 28 and has had a catalogue of relatively short term relationships including two children from two different fathers.

Inevitably the first 6 months of the relationship were like nothing I have ever know. Stunningly attractive, funny, charismatic - a real head turner. I was very much seduced and she was, as I talking about us being together forever, soul mates etc. The relationship looking back seemed to move at break neck speed - she was keen for me early on to meet her children, saw her almost every night within a matter of weeks.

Stupidly I asked her to marry me and again, without judging me I then had second thoughts having thought this is too early. It was foolish of me to propose and it hurt her quite bad at the time.

After 6 months I felt a little smothered and this continued for a while. Since the October mark, about 6 months I started to see a different side to her including some fierce rages and quite irrational behaviour. She told me very little about her ex's, but maintained that she was subject of physical abuse from one of them that is one of the fathers to her children, that resulted in her calling the police. I found this strange given the seemingly positive relationship she had with him, including letting her other child stay over at his house.

At Christmas she flew in to a drunken rage at me with one of my friends present in the room and started talking about if things didn't go her own way she would see she had been hit and call police - sounds familiar? My friend at the time told me to run a mile and I did for about three weeks when she contacted me again saying she "missed me". Foolishly I let her back in my life but since then small quarrels and arguments from the past between us came up and I could not understand the total disproportionate behaviour and rages. It was like I had become the devil totally - constantly saying that her needs were never first and I was completely selfish. This included the way she behaved over wanting £400 from me for some outfit etc... .again I cannot emphasise enough the disproportionate response for her crazy behaviour.

Cut a long story short break ups in April and then May always resulted in her seeing a "make up present" as being the way to resolve things. She constantly needed me ringing her up and texting and she got in the habit of calling my PA to see where I was, who I was with. She would call the pub. When together if another woman came in the room she would quickly look at me to see if I was looking at them - I was completely walking on egg shells all of the time.

We ended up holidaying in August and having a bust up. We saw each other most days and communicated with each other most of the time - but she used to say "when you are not here I miss you but when I see you I hate you". I made a huge effort to put her first, almost over compensating - but her treatment of me was just like I was the devil - e.g helping her out with decorating and she would rant it wasn't good enough is just one thing!

It got to October and we were neither on/off and eventually I was sick of the abuse - she said she was "trying" to get the feeling back and I said that I was trying but was just persistently turned black - nothing I could do or say was right - I think this is the devaluation - that I have probably with hindsight had since Christmas!

After two weeks of non-contact I sent her a text and got the "who's this", "never contact me again" and a long vitriolic and aggressive text about me being the cause of a destructive relationship etc and to read it was like I was reading something she was saying about herself - I recognised her and not me - I think that is the projection thing I believe. She has dived straight in to another relationship within days, though I suspect she was targeting someone. Throughout  October and early November there was contact now she has I believe gone final discard as she seems to have the confidence of not needing to cling contact wise to me - i.e. she has new supply or a replacement.

It has left me in a whirl as it was only a 18 month relationship and frankly 6 months were great and the rest I feel like I have been in drama 24/7 something that I am not used to. I have since been told by one or tow people that she is a "wrong un" and bad news and a bit crazy. As I am now split black and evil - and the final discard appeared very sudden I have two questions:

1.  Do they contact you in the future?

2.  Is the painting "black" permanent

3.  Why is it so hard to move on - even though she is wrong for me long term

[worndown99]

So she pretty much told you that she lost feelings out of the blue is this correct?

1.  she probably will come back in the future,  but regardless of how much she tells you she misses you you need to remember its only for selfish reasons.

2. Yes and no. She might not necessarily hate you when she contacts you in the future  weeks/months/ years from now but in my experience once a BPD paints you black she will never feel the same way about you as she did in the initial idealization phase.

3. This is normal. BPD women make you feel on top of the world, alive, and this is something most normal women don't have the ability to do even though they of course are much healthier.

My advice would be to stop putting all you energy into asking yourself why, and start working on improving yourself. Then when she contacts you in the future, ignore her.  But yes my last BPD told me she was "done" several times only to try and come back in my life more than once.

[confused1730]

No not really out of the blue - I believe to quote her she "was trying" to get it back with me in terms of feelings but every time she saw me she said she felt hate towards me - saying she could not forgive things that happened in the relationship etc. It looked to me like she clinging and clinging and not want me to be with anyone else until she turned vitriolic for the final time. Almost like she had targeted someone and until that was moving she was keeping contact etc. I am shocked that without being arrogant she appears to have downgraded quite a bit in terms of her new "soulmate".

[notdownyet]

I am shocked that without being arrogant she appears to have downgraded quite a bit in terms of her new "soulmate".

This doesn't surprise me in the slightest.  Apologies, as this is a broad statement.  A BPD will often drop their stands with ease, as any attention from the opposite sex will offer relief from their outward and inward perceived ugliness.

My wife is BPD with bipolar co-morbidity (which is another hellish story).  When we were discussing her past relationships, and in particular a person that she had an affair with (whilst manic), she described that the less physically attractive she found the other person, the more attractive she felt that she would be perceived in their eyes.

This may be down to grandiosity, combined with some very distorted logic.

Hope I haven't gone too off topic there.

[Ripped Heart]

My partner has explained her feelings towards me and highlights the eternal battle they have within their own heads.

She says I irritate her. Asked her what I do that irritates her. Response is nothing at all, it's just a feeling she gets and can't explain where it comes from or why she feels that way. At the same time as feeling anger or hatred towards me, she then remembers all the things I have done for her and with her and it sets her off on a huge destructive path. I get shut out and have to wait for her to come around to rational thinking again.

So to answer your question about being painted black permanently, I think it depends on the person. They have conflicting emotions and it's wherever the bottle stops. When they feel that irritation and anger towards you, nothing can change their view. However, when they remember good things, that's usually when they get back in contact because they need that feeling back. Has nothing to do with you, it's all about them.

For those of you who think reminding them about the good times might paint you white again, it doesn't work, it's all down to their own mind and nothing you say or do can change it. There is no getting through when they are going through the cycle.