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Author Topic: She showed up again and it pisses me off. Why? When will it stop?  (Read 303 times)
misty_red
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 159


« on: December 07, 2014, 12:23:44 PM »

So, silent treatment from her side since the end of July. I reached out twice due to the fact that we still were in the same sport’s team and she was doing a smear campaign in it. I wanted this to stop, told her we could talk. Of course no response. By the end of September she left the team because she didn’t feel involved in it anymore and felt like nobody even tried to invovle her anymore (no wonder if you are absent for six weeks in practice and nobody knows about it). I thought that was it. Was happy that she was gone and thought I could move on and detach. She told the team she would leave the city at the beginning of December because of a job transfer. Well, five weeks later she showed up at a match of our's to watch it just two days after her birthday where I didn’t congratulate her. It was so weird, she’d discarded the whole team when she left it and then she just showed up to watch a match out of nowhere a month later? I really thought she would never come back, but she did. At the match she was talking with some team mate and told her that she might stay in our town because something isn’t working out with the transfer. I was begging to god it would work out. By that time I was fed up with her and wanted her to leave already. BTW: she doesn’t know I knew of these problems regarding work.

I didn’t know what to make out of all of this. I thought that maybe she really just wanted to see her old team so yeah. Yet it confused me and I just wanted this to stop because I felt like I couldn’t detach properly. And believe me: I called it that she would show up today as well. I called it the last time she showed up and it happened… Three weeks ago I reached out one last final time and said goodbye to her via text. Wished her well for her transfer and life and that was it – no response from her of course but that was fine by me. I felt like I really needed to say goodbye to move on and I was looking forward to December. I just hoped she’d be gone by now, but no…

I actually am pissed right now. Of course I don’t know if this was a recycle attempt or if she only wanted to see her old team but I actually feel violated again. You don’t do that, right? I mean, she was the one telling me to leave her alone finally and yet she shows up at every home match? I know, I can’t forbid her watching her old team’s matches but come on, if I’m through with someone and want to be left alone I won’t show up at their match – even though I’d like to see my old team playing. This is insensitive – I know, it’s a mental illness… Still. It is so unfair. I feel like she wanted to catch me off-guard because I thought she’d be gone by now and then she just showed up. I feel like she wants me to reach out and ask why her transfer didn’t happen. It’s just weird. She was really looking forward to that transfer and knowing her (she actually told me it’s her last way out of her stupid life), she must’ve been really ashamed that she told the team she’d be gone by December (she was being so arrogant and narcissistic the day she left the team) and now it didn’t work out. I’m pissed. Just so pissed and I don’t know what to do. I’m at a point right now where I even don’t want to bring my new boyfriend to some matches because I’m afraid she might show up (I’m bisexual and a woman). She knows about him, even the fact she just knows frightens me.

And it’s so obvious that there’s still something going on in her mind with me. At the end I was standing there with four other people. My coach, his wife, my other coach, a team mate and me. And she went to everyone to say goodbye but not to me. If someone puts so much effort in ignoring someone, there’s actually still a lot going on with them.

I just don’t understand why she showed up again. Well, she hates me, I get it, I’m painted black, I’m a trigger yet she keeps showing up. Even if she just wanted to see her old team… this is insane. I‘d never put myself in such surrounding where there’s a big possibility of being triggered. Why does she do that? She’s really playing on my patience right now. I’m getting really angry at her. I won’t reach out, no worries but it just pisses me off.

I really am detaching but I feel like there’s one final connection left because of her showing up again and again. I can never be certain she’s gone for good. I feel like being in The Phantom Of The Opera. Even my coach said to me „See, she showed up again. She’s crazy. But keep ignoring her, that’ll hurt her the most. She just wants you to get mad at her and lash out. Don’t do that.“ Actually I don’t even want to hurt her but I just feel bad for all of this. I don't want her to be miserable. But it’s her choice. She’s showing up at MY team’s matches, I actually am still part of the team, she's not. Or maybe she just enjoys popping out of the blue like saying „Well, I never really am gone. I make the rules, see? I’m still in control.“

I really have no idea if this behaviour is all because of me or just because of some nostalgia for her old team.

You know, it’s just so weird… Everything that has happened until now after the discard… I called it. I predicted it. I want this woman out of my life, I need her to be. I don’t want this to be happening again. It’s one thing if you’re strong enough to not reach out and break NC but that doesn’t mean you won’t think about all of the things that happened again, I really feel like this is keeping me from detaching completely because I know at some point she’ll show up again.

I don't know if she's just desperate or bored because her transfer didn't work out or whatever. You know, this morning before the match I was like "Well, if she won't show up today I'm off the hook. I'm free and she's n the new town. Yay to detaching." Well, that didn't work out so well... .

Or maybe I'm being too insensitive, I just don't know anymore. I feel like I still am in a rollercoaster ride. I hated the rollercaster ride when in the relationship/friendship and I wanted out because of it. It really always are cycles. First I think a lot about her and feel sorry (I don't have any romantic feelings left for her, only platonic), then weeks go by without contact, I really am fine and feeling great, some really, really great things happend and then BOOM. She shows up and I think about her again. I don't even know if she's doing it on purpose or not even thinking of me anymore. She needs to be gone.
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misty_red
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 159


« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2014, 01:31:28 AM »

Any advice on what to do? Someone?
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Infared
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2014, 03:17:43 AM »

I think you need to get honest with yourself. You texted her. Hello?

Absolute NC.  If you need to drop out from the sport for 6 months. Do whatever YOU need to do to move on. You are dealing with an emotionally sick person who only cares about their needs. That is not going to change. The only thing you can change is you and what you are doing.

I think that you are not being totally honest with yourself and that is half of what you are angry at.

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misty_red
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 159


« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2014, 11:20:07 AM »

Infared, thank you for your thoughts.

I'm being honest with myself. I think saying goodbye was the right thing to do for me. I discussed this with members here and we agreed that BPDs also are human beings and saying goodbye is fine. So I don't think it was the wrong thing to do for me. I don't regret it. BUT if saying goodbye was the reason for her to show up again, well then I guess I just have to live with that. I still think the real reason is because her transfer didn't work out.

Anyway.

Staying away from practice for six months... .well, if I do that I guess I'm off the team. Doesn't have to do anything with the team or that they don't like me. But they need a goalkeeper, right? I just feel like she's taking everything from me that I like. I love that sport and I don't want it to be taken away from me. But I guess I have to make a choice.

I just wanted this to be over already. But I guess it'll never be. How I hate this mental illness. How I hate the circumstances/conditions that made her the way she is now. I don't blame her.

I won't write her again, I don't have any desire to do so, that's why I said goodbye anyway -  I didn't even want her to respond otherwise I wouldn't have said goodbye. But it wouldn't even matter. She'd show up anyway when she feels like it. She keeps on doing all of this ___ all over again. Just whenever she feels like doing so and wants to. Doesn't it get boring for her at some point?
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