i'm thinking about leaving the revolving door

[mangopanda]

This is the first time in two years of dealing with a pwBPD that I've thought about shutting them (singular them) out for good. I've considered blocking them from contacting me in any way. In two years, they've told me more times than I can count that they no longer love me, that they never could love me being the person that I am. Initially, I blamed them behaving this way as a factor of the illness, but now I'm starting to think that maybe they just come back around because I'm the only person who still says yes and welcomes them back every time with open arms. It's always "I could never love you as the person that you are" and we end up having some fight because they usually turn cold and I react out of my feelings being hurt, and for two months we don't talk until suddenly i get an email about "I've had time to think and I've learned how much I love you."

We've been doing this revolving door and I'm getting to the point where I think it's less of the BPD but more that I need to love myself better to keep them away because I don't think they love me the way I love them. I'm starting to believe when they come back it's because they miss how I loved them, but not actually me.

I've loved this person for so long, I wanted to grow old with them, have a family with them... and it doesn't seem fair. Every time they come back it's so easy to say yes all is forgiven we can move on, but I'm always either the love of their life or the last option.

I wanted this to work, but it doesn't seem like any successful relationship has had this kind of history, and maybe that means it's not meant to be... .

:'(

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mangopanda,

Only you know when you are ready to get off the roller coaster.

For many of us, the tipping point is when it becomes more painful to stay than to leave.

Several years ago, my T asked me if I thought that I had tried everything to save my marriage to my BPDxW.  I replied Yes.  She said, I think you have, too, which was unusual because my T never related her personal views.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[Wishfulgirl]

I can so relate to everything you have said. It is exhausting! Simply exhausting. I just don't think situations like ours end up with an ending that says they lived happily ever after. Except in our fantasies. We can't love a person into good mental health. If we could, believe me, I would be a happy camper!

[Wishfulgirl]

My question is this: How do we draw the line between what we need to overlook as being part of the BPD and when we need to expect some accountability for the hurt they cause? Having a really bad home environment growing up and being BPD is alot of pain for the BPD person, but how much should we excuse or not excuse?

[mangopanda]

My question is this: How do we draw the line between what we need to overlook as being part of the BPD and when we need to expect some accountability for the hurt they cause? Having a really bad home environment growing up and being BPD is alot of pain for the BPD person, but how much should we excuse or not excuse?

That's what my conflicting feelings are. They can have the biggest heart but can also flip and treat me like I'm a stranger off the street. I don't know if they keep coming around because I allow them to, or because they actually want me. I genuinely enjoy their company, every time they're around I'm happy, they just consistently suddenly remove themselves emotionally and I don't know which is real anymore. I used to believe the cruel part was the BPD and the nice was the "real" them. They're not in therapy at all, they depend solely on platforms such as this to help them. I personally went to therapy to resolve my own issues but also get some insight to how I could better manage this relationship. I don't know what to do anymore. I can deal with them when they're around, and "deal" isn't even the word because it's not difficult, they're like my best friend, but this other part where I am void in their life is always hard and brutally painful for me. Every time they come back they say they'll spend the rest of their life showig their love to me,  but I want to know if they're comfortable spending the rest of their life pushing me away and pulling me back.

I feel like the responsibility is on me, and I don't want to leave them I just don't know what else I can do.

[Lucky Jim]

The starting point, I suggest, is yourself and your needs.  What do you require?  What can you handle?  What is acceptable to you?  The pwBPD draws a lot of attention away from oneself.  It's necessary, in my view, to get back in touch with oneself, with one's gut feelings.  You're the one steering the boat that is your life, not the other way around.  LuckyJim