Fell off the tight rope

[kelc323]

I've read many posts on this board and am often in awe of how well many of the members are balancing their relationships with the BPD loved ones, while maintaining their sense of self and clear vision of the disorder vs. the individual. I know it's a constant work in progress and isn't without its ups and downs, but I hope someday to get to this place.

The last few days have been incredibly difficult and I have had to sit with so much sadness. My T has encouraged me to do so, because I tend to avoid the grief and move on to "fix it" mode. So, hear I sit with enormous feelings of sadness, guilt and frustration (and maybe even a little resentment). If I could, I would be curled up in a fetal position with a bottle of wine and box of Kleenex, shouting at God (or at least having a very frank conversation) about all the "whys?" of my life. But, for some crazy reason, this is not in my DNA and has been passed to the two most important women in my life -- my mother and my daughter. The injustice and irony of it all never seems to escape me. I would never want to trade places with either of them, because I know it's such a painful way to go through life, but I'm up for trading with someone else... .at least for a little bit.  

I have read a few of the links regarding F.O.G. and am trying to move through this, but it's so hard! I feel like I've hurt my BPDD27 to such an extent that our relationship may be irreparable. For now, she has decided that she "NEVER, EVER wants anything to do with us EVER again" and she "will NEVER let us see our GS EVER again," because we are "evil, narcissistic, controlling, a-holes."  I also may have driven her further into isolation and the depths of her abusive relationship with her boyfriend, which just makes me sick. For three years, my DH and I have tried to walk the tightrope between loving and supporting my DD to looking out for the needs of my GS3. For 2 1/2 years, my family tried everything we knew how to do to manage a very difficult situation since my GS has been born. Every step we took, we did with guidance from my DD treatment team and even the local police. You name it; we've done it. Our very last resort was to contact CPS, because it had gotten so very, very bad for my GS. Now it appears that I may have lost the both of them.  :'( I know I can fight for visitation of my GS and probably will, but I truly do understand why my DD feels so hurt and betrayed. I know it hurts her and we have violated her trust; however, I had always told her that if I ever witnessed neglect or abuse, that I would do whatever was necessary to protect my GS, even if that meant contacting CPS. Given the severity of her illness, she dissociates and abnegates to the nth degree. It's what has kept her in a terrible situation and at the same time, keeps her from making healthy decisions for her son.

Last year on Christmas Eve, my DD swallowed a bottle of extra-strength Tylenol after fighting with her boyfriend. She shared with me what she had done; her boyfriend was aware of it, too. She had done the same thing 7 years ago and knew she would go into liver failure and die without treatment. I begged her to voluntarily go to the ER for treatment. She refused. I had no choice but to call the police. Three cars showed up at their home. Both my DD and boyfriend lied. Said she didn't take the pills. They started cursing and yelling at us that we "were ruining their Christmas" and that "we were liars, just trying to cause trouble." Well, we weren't. She was admitted to ICU for 5 days and almost died. When went to the hospital, she refused to let us see her.

Last year, suicide attempt. This year, no contact. Courts. Anger and more blame. Ugh. 'Tis the season, I guess.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to move forward, how to get through the holidays, how to keep from falling apart, how to deal with the courts, how to reconnect with my DD and GS, how to... .how to... .how to... .I know each and every one of you understands the pain. Again, I'm encouraged by much of the progress made and support you all have given to each other. No one gets how hard this is, unless you've walked this path. So as terrible as I feel, I know I'm not alone.  

And as a final observation, has anyone seen the new Folger's holiday commercial with the Grandma holding her grandson in front of the Christmas tree and sharing the ornament his daddy made when he was a child? Well, if you need help moving out of fix it mode to feeling mode, this is the commercial that did it for me.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

kelc323

Oh how the holidays seem to add a little more stress to an already stressful life. I am sorry things seem to be falling apart for you and your family right now BUT I think that is important to acknowledge... .right now things are not good but they will get better. Your dd27 needs some space and she needs to come to the realization that some her choices are not healthy for her or GS. I would suggest you give her the space right now and let her know that you will always be there for her if she needs you. althought things are unsettled right now it can't stay this way infinitely. You have contacted CPS and now let them do their job. Realize that you can't fix everything is key and it is not your job to fix things for your dd. Take care of yourself and plan out your holidays. Forcus on what you can do instead of what you can't. I know that when dealing with a person with BPD things are in a state of constant change... .just give it time... .don't be hard on yourself... .find joy in your life where you can.

[Rapt Reader]

And as a final observation, has anyone seen the new Folger's holiday commercial with the Grandma holding her grandson in front of the Christmas tree and sharing the ornament his daddy made when he was a child? Well, if you need help moving out of fix it mode to feeling mode, this is the commercial that did it for me.  :'(

Yeah... .I've seen that commercial, and it really is a tear-jerker, and can cause some melancholy for those of us with less-than-perfect relationships with the parents of our grandchildren. Those of us in a situation like that really do wish that our grandchildren would get the benefits of our love for them, from their interactions not only with us, but with their parents, on our behalf. It's really sad when the grandchildren are caught in the middle

I agree with everything that jellibeans has said... .I'm sorry for what you have been going through, kelc323, and know that this is very painful for you, and must seem impossible to "fix." At times like this, Radical Acceptance for family members is one of the best techniques there is for getting centered (I've used this daily with the many BPD/BPD traits loved ones I have!).

And no... .you really are not alone, kelc323  

[tristesse]

Kelc, I feel your anguish and wish I could make it better, but realistically, we both know I can't.

I agree with jellibeans,, your dd27 needs space, and time. Leave the communication door open for her, but don't push. I understand that having the GS makes it that much more difficult, I too have a GS and my BPD DD31 has threatened to keep him from me also. She has never done so, but has said she will.

I have turned my DD in for abuse of my GS too, once when he was a year old and again when he was 2 1/2. She was angry and upset and still brings it up when she is raging, but I will do whatever I have to do to protect my GS. He is now 5 and displays a lot of behaviors that my DD does.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you have done nothing wrong. Take a deep breath and try to relax, do something for yourself, and just enjoy the peace and quiet if you can.

Take Care

[lever.]

I am so sorry about your situation kelc.

You have been very clear with your daughter and with such a young child you have certainly done the right thing in putting his safety first. I hope that your daughter will eventually realize this. It certainly is like walking a tightrope balancing the needs of adult children with BPD with those of vulnerable grandchildren.

I am sorry that you are feeling so sad and stressed, 'tis indeed the season to be jolly. I am certainly finding that I am being haunted slightly by unhappy memories of Christmases past.

I am replying really just to offer support. Things change rapidly sometimes. My daughter has said that I will never see her or my grandchildren again-it lasted for five months, for a friend I know it lasted for a year.

It is extremely difficult to balance the needs of different family members, but little vulnerable children need someone to look out for them.

Wishing you peace  

[kelc323]

Thank you, everyone, for the heartfelt support and guidance! I feel like I'm a sponge just trying to soak up whatever warmth, understanding and information that I can.

My heart feels a little better, today, but I still find myself on the verge of tears. It's the little things that can trigger grief for me. This morning, the UPS delivery man was just beaming about his GD2 and a new grandbaby that's due in April. He was sharing all of his family's Christmas plans and just beamed with pride and happiness. He seems to share such a wonderful relationship with his son and DIL. It truly warmed my heart to see his joy, but at the same time, served as a painful reminder that my relationship with my DD and GS is at the opposite end of the spectrum. I've always struggled with sharing about my GS a lot, because it always leads to the inevitable questions and assumptions based on the other person's experience. So, I tend to remain quiet. Not because I don't love my GS or have special things to share about him, but because I'm avoiding the inevitable questions regarding my DD and his father. Even discussing the typical milestones in a toddler's life is hard to share, because very little in my little GS's life is typical... .or celebrated. He is totally isolated and subjected to very intense raging and sad emotions. I have often witnessed my DD using him to make her feel better when she's upset. My DD recently shared that he used to hug her when she was crying, now he is hitting her. Oh my, it just breaks my heart. Way too much pain is contained within their walls. Ok. I need to stop sharing. This is too hard... .

I think that is important to acknowledge... .right now things are not good but they will get better. Your dd27 needs some space and she needs to come to the realization that some her choices are not healthy for her or GS.

Thanks for the reminder and reinforcement, Jellibeans. You're wise in suggesting I give her space. I just need to get over the rejection/abandonment issues of my own and let go of the guilt. I will work to keep all of this in mind and as you suggested, find joy where I can. 

At times like this, Radical Acceptance for family members is one of the best techniques there is for getting centered (I've used this daily with the many BPD/BPD traits loved ones I have!).

Thanks, Rapt Reader. I was able to read a little yesterday and will continue to do so. I did watch the video about being fearless. The point of the video really struck home with me. Tara described "empowerment" as being the "fullness of who we are" and to live otherwise is to be our "small self." I've always felt there was something bigger within me, but quite frankly it's scary to focus on this. To truly be who I am will also mean that I'm upsetting the balance within my family and the expectations others have of me. I will continue to explore this. I certainly have my work cut out for me.

I have turned my DD in for abuse of my GS too,

Thanks, Tristesse, for your kind words, too and sharing your actions on behalf of your GS. You get it. I know I did the right thing, but hearing it from someone who's been there feels very reaffirming to me. Sometimes, when I hear my DD's perspective I start to see things through her eyes. I can feel her pain. It's an ugly, ugly thing. Knowing I am the cause of it just hurts.  :'(

Things change rapidly sometimes. My daughter has said that I will never see her or my grandchildren again-it lasted for five months, for a friend I know it lasted for a year.

And, Lever, I am grateful for your support and empathy. I'm sorry that you have had periods of NC, too, but am also glad it didn't last very long. It must have been very hard. During that time, did you continue to reach out or did you just give your DD the space she wanted? How did you find balance... .or is that even possible?

In reading all of your responses, I'm also very aware that your empathy and suggestions are based on your own painful journeys. I want to take a moment and acknowledge this and send hugs and warm wishes your way, too.   Taking the time out of your day to offer kindness and support is truly a gift. I hope, as I become more active in this virtual community, that I will be able to return the favor. Thanks again! 

[jellibeans]