why won't they let you walk away ?

[Beach_Babe]

My boyfriend has BPD, and we are in a long distance relationship. Throughout the years we have exchanged frequent calls/texts, video chat and also visit each other several times a year. I have never known him to be flaky or cruel. The past year however  there has been a definite idealize/devalue (but never discard) component to this. He always was a bit cheap and  eccentric, but genuine and always kept his word. Now he makes plans to visit, or me to visit him then coldly withdraws and restricts contact to only email (or nothing) a week beforehand. When I do get hold of him he is hostile and angry... .this has caused me to cancel my ticket several times. He then says I am the one that cancelled, not him and sweetens back up until we plan another date. Rinse, repeat. When I try to stay the course and not cancel he does a day or two before with some lame excuse (but still blames me). He has also become withdrawn and secretive, lying even about mundane things like finding a new job. (which he got fired from one month later ). OK so no one wants to be where they aren't wanted, and I've been clear to him I will step aside if there is someone (or thing) else but for some reason he still keeps trying to keep me around. Then he calls me  and cries it's because I am cheap and won't put him up in the best hotels (he is 32 and lives with mom, who  does not like me so I'm "not allowed" to stay there), and treat him to "the best to show me I am worth it."  Then the next day will call me an abuser or stalker for having the nerve to call... .what gives? Why won't he let me walk away if I am that much of a cancer in his life?

[hattrick]

I am no expert but I would guess he may have another woman. The reason he wouldn't just end it with you is because he can keep you around in case the new girl doesn't work out. You are in a LDR so its not likely you would catch him with the other woman. She probably does not know about you and he's certainly not going to tell her. Just my opinion.

[Henry II]

   The reason he blames you is because BPD's cannot admit to being wrong. Ifthey apologized then that would mean they were wrong...

[Beach_Babe]

That's probably true. His whole life has become one big secret, which he blames on the stress of caring for his elderly mother. He is diagnosed BPD, but there seems to be a more narcissistic quality to how he keeps this going no?

[Beach_Babe]

   The reason he blames you is because BPD's cannot admit to being wrong. Ifthey apologized then that would mean they were wrong...

It seems honestly like he doesn't care if I go, just wants to be able to say it's my fault.

[Beach_Babe]

I want to call or text him so badly, please stop me. I know deep down there is no point.

[notdownyet]

Having read your original post, I can’t see a single reason why you’d want to waste another second of your life with this person.

Distance relationships often don’t last anyway, let alone one that comes with baggage and the wonderful attributes of BPD.  Even when you do visit, it sounds like you don’t feel welcome.

If you want someone to tell you to not make contact, I can do that for you – DON’T MAKE CONTACT!

The only thing stopping you from walking away is you.  Massive cliché I know, but I mean that in the nicest possible way

[Beach_Babe]

.  Even when you do visit, it sounds like you don’t feel welcome.

I used to be for years. And we'd talk everyday. He has just completely changed over the past year into someone I no longer recognize. So true notdownyet, the only person stopping me from walking away is me and that's because I don't want to. He may say he wants me around but his actions seem to tell a different story. No I want to work this out, but that takes two willing participants. Bpd or not, he has a right to say "I don't want to do this anymore." What's getting me is not the dump, but how I feel I'm being strung along or perhaps cruelly played with. Maybe that's my interpretation dunno.

[notdownyet]

I think you really know what to do, as you appear to have a good angle on things deep down.  Being objective about your situation and letting go, really are the hardest parts, particularly if you have a tendency towards co-dependency (I’m not making any assumptions by the way)

I do know how you feel.  I was “dumped” by a gf a long time ago, who I strongly believe had HPD/BPD.  She went away on holiday for a week, came back and said she was moving out a week later; and did just that – cold as ice.  I never saw her again.  She strung me along for a long time after this.  Every time I went no contact, she would re-initiate contact again – and yes, it feels like a very cruel game.

If you look a little closer though, you'll see that you’re the one giving them the power over you – a willing victim if you like.

I didn’t date anyone again for 2 years – which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.  However, looking back, I was holding out for her to reconcile the relationship.  Really stupid I know.

I would like say that it was happy ever after following this, but I went on to marry a woman who has both Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder (diagnosed after we’d been together 7.5 years) – which I can only describe as a living hell.  I think that may say something about me as a person.

You’ll often find that people on forums like this, will advise you to do some work on yourself, to both heal and have better relationships.  I think that’s really good advice.

Keep us posted

[maxen]

hi Beach_Babe. first, i'm sorry for your situation. it sounds incredibly frustrating, but the elements of it do sound characteristic of BPD.

there are some traits at the core of the experience of BPD, and one of them is abandonment. the choice for your bf may not be between a good or a bad connection, but between a connection and no connection at all. this will feel to you like being strung along and in a sense it is, but once you're not there anymore there will be a void that is a horror for a pwBPD.

this is a delicate thing to discuss, because perhaps a person could feel guilty knowing what leaving their SOwBPD would entail for the SOwBPD. and a r/s creates deep bonds (i discovered just how deep when my less-than-perfectly-satisfactory marriage exploded) and you may want to stay in it yourself. still, you must take a decision on how you want to proceed. have you read the lessons "Choosing a Path", on the right hand side of this page?

[Beach_Babe]

.  Every time I went no contact, she would re-initiate contact again – and yes, it feels like a very cruel game

quote/]



Isnt this a more NPDish behavior though? Bipolar AND Borderline? Which one was worse? Did you ever hear from the original again?

[Beach_Babe]

Thanks maxen, I will check out the lessons.

Do they really feel a "horror" though if you have been replaced? I was told by my T no.

[notdownyet]

Isnt this a more NPDish behavior though? Bipolar AND Borderline? Which one was worse? Did you ever hear from the original again?

If you're referring to the push-pull dynamic, this is classic BPD behaviour.  Initially pushing you away in rejection - abandoning you.  When their feeling of control subsidies and/or they feel that you don't need them any more, this is often when their sense of abandonment kicks-in, so they begin reeling you back in.

Personality disorders are all on a spectrum, and there will be many cross over traits.  As everyone is unique, it's hard to fit anyone perfectly to just one set of criteria.

BPD vs bipolar which is worse?  That's a tough question to answer.  Bipolar involves manic and depressive episodes.  The manic episodes are far worse, as the person loses the ability to use any judgement and foresees no consequences to their actions.  This is often combined with hypersexuality.

Whilst manic, my wife became completely detached from reality, and unrecognisable from the person that I knew.

To give you an example, she became obsessed with getting tattoos (which she's now having removed), started an affair, became obsessed with sex, destroyed our finances, started abusing prescription drugs & alcohol etc.  Even when all this came to light, she was still unable to return to reality.

The borderline side is just as difficult, as this can involve psychotic behaviour such as aggressive rages and physical violence as well as irrational, paranoid and dissociative thinking.  :)uring an episode, there is no line, that she isn't prepared to cross, including taunting me about the affair.

Both can be psychologically and emotionally damaging to the person closest to them.

So in short, it's hard to say which is worse.  Hope that makes sense.

Regarding the ex who moved away; yes she did get back in touch via Facebook - 10 years later!  When I replied, she ignored me.  Hilarious!  Some people never change.

[michel71]

Beach. I am in a living hell that started out as a long distance relationship. If you want to hear my tale of woe you can message me. In short I will tell you that it is very hard when you don't see someone on the day to day to really ascertain what's going on. It is easier in a long distance relationship for a BPD leopard to hide it's spots. Fantasy of a relationship is what you are living. The reality begins when the visits turn into everyday life.

I thought that I had met the woman of my dreams. It was exciting. I was jet setting across the world for these romantic interludes. Truth be told when we actually spent time together we had a number of disagreements and there were HUGE red flags but I just didn't want my fantasy disturbed. After all, this was the woman who told me I was her knight in shining armour, her soul mate and the one she has been waiting for all her life. And poor thing had such a hard life. It was my goal to rescue her. Maybe if I could just love her harder, gave more, spent more, sacrificed more she would stop raging at me.

It is not working out with us and I am at the breaking point, emotionally and financially.

I don't want this to be you. PLEASE GET OUT NOW.

Nobody is worth this kind of hell. Nobody who says that they love you would treat you like this and expect you to be happy in return. It's insane.

[maxen]

Do they really feel a "horror" though if you have been replaced? I was told by my T no.

if you've been replaced then probably not. but there is also a tendency to triangulation, of keeping many balls in the air at one time, so to speak. then there's an alternative. after my wife moved directly in with someone else, she indicated a few times that she simply assumed i'd be there if she decided to "save the marriage" and come back. but after a point i wasn't there anymore.

[Beach_Babe]

Notdoneyet: That is crazy. I had an ex who was bipolar, but at least he had insight. I cant imagine the two combined together.    I'm so sorry the hell she put you through.

Michel71: Thank you for that sound advice. Sounds like you've been put through the wringer too.

How long did you know her? I've known mine over a decade, and while there were always 'red flags' and odd behavior (he is BPD after all) it was nothing like this. We always worked through our issues. Did I think id marry him, no. But even as a friend he was someone I thought would always be there.

Maxen: These stories just blow my mind. I feel like backup to mine, though he denies it.