confused and unable to get over past

[lifechangingdecision]

Does anyone else have trouble getting over the past and all the hurtful things your spouse has done to you? Some of the damage is in my face daily. He is in so much credit card debt that we have to sell our home because just with him making the minimum payments each month we cant afford our home and pay our regular bills. Since he started the meds and going to counseling he has improved somewhat. But after almost 10 years of the non stop lies, heartbreak, emotional abuse... ect im finding it really hard to move on with him. I can see that he is trying to an extent and I am in therapy to deal withh all of this. I do love him but sometimes i wonder is it too latefor him to start changing. I keep waiting for the bomb to let loose because he does good for a while then something always happens. Im so confused. Any thoughts or advice?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lifechanger, I suggest you focus on the things within your control, which is to say, yourself.  Start taking better care of yourself and pay attention to your needs, which often get overlooked in a BPD r/s.  The path, I understand, can be hard to find, but it all starts, in my view, with picking up and following the symbolic "threads" of your own life, in order to get out of the BPD cave alive.  LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

Wanted to echo what Lucky Jim said and say that it helps to start with yourself first. It isn't easy that is for sure.

Also, have you guys considered a debt repayment plan instead of selling your house or going into more debt? We were at the same point where the credit card debt was too much for us to handle and we were making the minimum payments and not getting anywhere. The debt repayment plan cut off all credit cards, lowered the minimum payments, lowered the interest rates, and gave us a specific time frame for having everything paid off.

As far as getting over stuff, I don't have any real suggestions because there has been a lot of damage in my relationship with my husband and I don't know if I will ever be able to get beyond some of it. I take things one day at a time and try to work on myself and focus on my kids.

[lifechangingdecision]

Lucky Jim you are so right. Thank you! Sounds silly but I start working on me and doing things for myself and slowly I either forget, get sucked back in or whatever the cause may be. I must remind myself everday until it becomes natural! Thank you for responding :-) i really appreciate it!

[lifechangingdecision]

Vortex what is a debt repayment plan? The same as a consolidation? Thankfully at least i think,  all his credit cards are in his name only. We are trying to find a solution that wont ruin his credit if at all possible. I really appreciate your advice and any guidance you can give me on the debt repayment plan!

My main focus is always my kids like you said. Oh how i wish i had a majic wand to give me the answer whether to leave or stay... i want to know which would be the best for my boys. If the wand gave me the answer i would do what it said. If only right    

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex what is a debt repayment plan? The same as a consolidation? Thankfully at least i think,  all his credit cards are in his name only. We are trying to find a solution that wont ruin his credit if at all possible. I really appreciate your advice and any guidance you can give me on the debt repayment plan!

My main focus is always my kids like you said. Oh how i wish i had a majic wand to give me the answer whether to leave or stay... i want to know which would be the best for my boys. If the wand gave me the answer i would do what it said. If only right    

It isn't the same as consolidation I don't think. The way it works for us is that the debt management place gets one big payment from us and then they send the payments on to the credit card companies. The accounts are still open but we can't use the cards. His credit took a little bit of a hit but it has not ruined his credit completely because he didn't default and there is no bankruptcy. The debt management company renogotiated the repayment terms on our behalf. The way it is set up, all of his credit card debt will be paid off in around 5 years. One of his credit card companies recommended the company he uses. There are tons of those companies but a lot of them are scams so you have to be very careful.

How old are your boys? I have 4 daughters that range in age from 5 to 13. I am like you in that I wish I had a magic wand that would give me all of the answers. I do have to say that part of working on myself is working on an exit plan. I have gotten my own bank account and a second job and all of my funds from the second job go into my account. I am working on myself professionally so I can get a full time job. Lots of little things that I am doing to make myself feel better. Heck, there for a while, I had neglected my appearance and had no decent clothes. I have been going to thrift stores and finding better clothes to may myself feel better.

And, I have identified things around the house that I can do on my own and have been working on that. It is small stuff like looking for a cheap shelf to hang in the girls' room. Small stuff that I can do on the cheap or free.

[lifechangingdecision]

When my H and i first got together I had some debt and he suggested I do that. I got scammed big time! I cant remember the name of the place I used and it was one of the biggest mistakes. Compared to now i think i had maybe 4,000 in CC debt and thought it was the end of the world And i was a single mom to my oldest son. How did you make sure you found a reputable place?

   I have 2 boys. 12 & 7. My heart and soul ♡ I have always prided myself on my work until recently. In February I got really sick and wasnt getting any better. Lost my job, was heartbroken and feel lost since Ive worked 40 + hours simce I was 18. In short my body shut down from thw long term chronic stress. I always knew stress affected you but I had no idea to this extreme. I sleep for 2 or 3 days at a time sometimes. Its insane amd then i get depressed because im not there for my boys. Its a vicious cycle that is very hard to get out of. But im working hard to try to get my body back to somewhat normal. Thanks for listening and talking:-)  its so nice to talk to someone who understands and relates ♡

[vortex of confusion]

The credit card company recommended the debt management company. I didn't have anything to do with it because it was all of my husband's debt. When I was no longer able to pay my debts, I just quit paying and let the chips fall wherever. As a result, my credit is screwed. I sometimes resent that he has to pay his debts and keep his credit good but it is okay for mine to be bad. But that is another story. . .

I think my husband said that he was able to verify the reputation of the company because they have some kind of government approval or endorsement or something like that. I am not certain.

Stress is brutal and takes a toll on a person. Has your health improved enough for you to find work again? Getting a job outside of the house has been a huge factor in making me feel better about myself.

[lifechangingdecision]

Thank you so much!  I am definetely going to look into that asap!    I am still not allowed to and cant work. I am very slowly getting better but as you know living with someone that has BPD & BP is very stressful. I dont have as many "shutdowns" what i call when i get fever, sore throat and uncontrollably tired where i sleep amywhere from 24 hours to 3 days straight. But i never know how im goinf to feel when i wake up. Getting a job is a moot point because if i would have to call off alot i would get fired and i dont want that. Im tryimg my best to be patient and give my body the time it needs to heal. It is not easy. I kniw alot of people would love not to work but i am not one od them. One of the benefits though is i get to volunteer at my sons school which i love :-) i never could before because of work and am so happy i can right now. I also get to send my kids to school and greet them when they get home which i love. Simple things but stuff i couldnt do while working so i am treasuring all these moments while i can :-)

[Samuel S.]

He has to want to change in order for change to take place. For him to continue spending and for the both of you to suffer due to his spending will probably not get any better, sad to say, unless and if he chooses to say no to himself.

I know of a man whose now ex-wife did something very similar to what yours is doing. It got so out of hand, that he divorced her. Now, she is living in a rundown convalescent home in a very bad neighborhood. He is now married to another woman and is doing much better.

As for the hurt feelings that you have, I have the same hurt feelings. My BPDw makes strides to improve herself, but never our marriage. In fact, she will make majorly offensive remarks. She even has said that she is not going to control me anymore. This is after controlling and manipulating me and others. Yet, she still continues making majorly offensive remarks.

Like the old adage, a zebra doesn't change its stripes, sad to say.

[lifechangingdecision]

Sam S. Im so sorry you are going through all the mental abuse. It sucks to say the least. My therapist told me every time we argue or he gets really mad just say your right honey and nothing else. In his eyes he is always right no matter what so there really is no point trying to discuss anything. Ive been doing this and it works. The first couple times he said are you mocking me. I cant remember the exact word he used but he was pissed lmao and didnt say another word. Maybe something you could try :-)

you are so right they will never change unless they want too. I have given him so many resources and suggestions that he chooses not to pursue so i dont say anything anymore. I swear he wants to stay miserable so he can blame everything on the BPD.

  I wish you the best of luck! Thank you for writing and if you ever want to talk Im here :-) as you can tell I dont have anyone to talk to or anyone that understands what Im going through so I talk alot on here! I hope you have a grest weekend :-)