Newbie, here's my story

[oortcloud]

I've been lurking around for the past few days and just wanted to say what a great, supportive community this is.

I'm 5 months out of a 2.5 year relationship with my former partner, who dumped me and then discarded me after an argument we had post-breakup. While our relationship was obviously a bad one, I carry a lot of guilt which I'm still trying to forgive myself for.

I sacrificed a lot during our relationship together (I won't bore you with all the details); essentially bent over backwards to be supportive and loving to my partner. In response I was the victim of extreme bouts of anger and emotional abuse. It was always my fault and I was always apologizing. I never heard one apology for being screamed at, I was never thanked for any of the things I did. I was too scared to bring up how I felt out of fear of getting reprimanded. And to add confusion to the mix: one day she'd be unbearable to be around; the next the most loving person ever.

It got to the point where I was doing things to avoid these angry outbursts. I felt like I was losing my sense of self. I didn't have the courage to end it, which was utterly stupid. So what happened? I ended up emotionally cheating on my exBPD with another woman, by carrying on a somewhat flirtatious relationship online... .which never lead to anything more. I wasn't even physically attracted to this person! I feel like this - among other things - was COMPLETELY out of character for me, and I don't even know why I was behaving this way. Nothing will justify what I did, but it still hangs over me to this day.

My exBPD tried to forgive me for what I did, but 4 months after and 3 breakups later, it was obvious she couldn't forget what had happened. I was dumped for good while we were on vacation. As already mentioned, we were on good terms during the breakup, but had a falling out post-breakup (she unexpectedly began yelling at me, and I confronted her about how poorly she had treated me during our relationship). She immediately deleted me from every social media site in existence. After that point, my infidelity became the sticking point for my exBPD to hate me, even though she had already acknowledged my remorse for what I had done months before.

Since then I have tried very hard not to contact her.  Since then she has done very bizarre things, including: randomly dumping my belongings on my front porch when I'm out of town, blocking me from instagram so I can't see her photos, then making her whole account private a month later. Then sending me passive aggressive emails reminding me that I cheated on her, tweeting publicly that our relationship was horrible, and most recently, unblocking me from Facebook followed by instantly blocking me on twitter. I have no idea if she's been doing these things hoping I'll respond, or if it's her way to disconnect and move on.

I know I shouldn't be checking on her online at all. It's been hard not to. Since I couldn't go NC with the social media, I found that exposing myself to it excessively has made me tire of it over time. It's gotten to the point where seeing a photo of her makes me feel slightly disgusted for putting up with her behaviour so much. But there are times where I feel like I can't stop watching the circus act of bizarre behaviour. I've stopped checking so much these days, and I'm doing MUCH better.

Anyway, that's my story. Like I said, this is a great community and I'm happy I've come across these forums, where it seems like everyone just "gets it".

[Pingo]

Welcome oortcloud!  So glad you found us!  I'm so sorry for what you've been through.  I can relate to much of what you mentioned, the guilt, the sacrifice.  A lot of people here have difficulty with the social media (break ups were so much easier before computers!).  Keep reading and posting, we will try to help you stay strong!  Give it time, the longer you can stay NC, the easier it gets.  Take care of you!