Why do we dwell ,inflict self torture, for someone that made us feel miserable ?

[guy4caligirl]

I wonder we all are adult enough on here to resolve and attack the problem and fix it just  like Ross Perrot said .

Most of us know that this is an unneeded dwelling on something we have no control of .

Is it that we became sick too and have a fear of abandonment ?

If your friend is going through this bad B/U wouldn't you advise him to drop it ?

Is it because they left and forgot about us that quick ?

What are we bothered with the most ?

What's the reason for all this stupid pain we inflict to ourselves while the other party doesn't seem bothered by,

no matter what we say honeymoon period or whatever.

Looks like they put us in a sealed  jar and pickled us for ever .

WHY ?

[billypilgrim]

Is it because they left and forgot about us that quick ?

I think this has something to do with it.  I was dumbfounded when she left.  She was talking kids and had just reminded me that she was almost done with the prenatal vitamins she was taking the day before she left.  She woke up the next morning after dinner and movie the night before and left.  She hasn't looked back.  She asked about money the very next day.  She sent me an e-mail blaming me for all the reasons of why she left 3 days later.  She had a new place in 4 days.  She signed paperwork in 10 days.  She's back with an ex in a month.  She left the house in such a rush that she left a ton of her stuff that I keep finding.  She didn't even take all the things she told me she was going to take.  It literally felt like she couldn't get out of my life fast enough.  She was gone before I could even wrap my head around what the heck was happening.  

And it's really hard to process all of this without feeling like it's personal.  She is rejecting the life we were trying to build together.  That's a very personal thing.        

What are we bothered with the most ?

I'm bothered by a lot of things but I think what bugs me most is how much I care and how much I still love.  I suppose that if I didn't that would mean I had other issues of my own to deal with but it really irks me that she's off in la-la land and I'm stuck dreaming about her every night.  Not only does she plague my dreams but I can't even escape her in my own home because every time I throw some of her crap out, I find eleventy billion other things of hers that she didn't think to take with her.  

I want nothing but indifference towards her.  I don't want to hate her, that's giving her too much emotion.  I want think of her and feel nothing.  The only thing that I want her to be to me is an example of what a relationship is not supposed to look like.  I married a fiction.  

[guy4caligirl]

I just  cried a few minutes ago , my ex and I spent five years together , it wasn't a quick run away I told her to leave and go back to her state millions of times it took her years to pack and finally left 5 months ago , we both at that time wanted out maybe more me . once she left she stayed in the area hotel and wanted to come back family pressure said not to let her .

after a week a guy answered her phone and said don't want to talk to you , and she came on the phone saying I found someone and he loves me . leave me alone .

Stayed LC for a while now NC a week , and all I want is for her to text me , I even thought to brake NC today and text her I love you .

How sad that is from a father and an a grown man to go that low ?

[billypilgrim]

Stayed LC for a while now NC a week , and all I want is for her to text me , I even thought to brake NC today and text her I love you .

How sad that is from a father and an a grown man to go that low ?

Eh.  It's not sad.  It's understandable.  Trying to keep up with them is an impossible task.  You are craving validation from her, I think that's normal.  I went through it but trust me, NC is the way to go.  Get that toxic person out of your life and keep her there.  Work on yourself.  There will be days like what you are going through.  But as more time goes by, the easier NC gets.  I've been NC for 4 weeks.  It's been refreshing.  It's opened my life back up to everything that I was missing out on.  And it's opened my eyes to all the crazy nonsense I tolerated for 6 years.  Don't let the enmeshment win, keep NC and find yourself again. 

Don't worry about the new guy.  He's no different.  We're all objects to her/them, not people.   

[NYMike]

I am going to take a long shot here.

I think we fell in love with the beginning mirroring they do.They are masters at becoming everything we want.She loved my home,my pick up truck,my music,my everything.It was amazing to find a woman that seemed to love everything about me and my life.

She was mirroring me because she is a BPD with an empty hole in her soul.Any man would fall in love with this mirroring.They become your everything and that is really addictive feeling to break.That takes time to process.

In reality it is not who she is.That was a FASADE and not real.So many days I am stuck on the whole ''fantasy girl'' who was not real anyways.

It's a very painful thing to get involved with an Empty BPD and then out of blue they ABANDON you,paint you black and go on a crusade to destroy your name and disappear into thin air.We are then left dazed and confused.Then they call or text you days or weeks later and you are back into the dance.It's one hell of a roller coaster ride from hell.

It sucks to be bit this way by the BPD Tricks.It just sucks to be involved with them.

[4kidz]

what I struggle with the most is the fact that I still love her. always will. additionally it drives me crazy to think that all of the craziness , both good and bad, all the protecting, caring for, putting up with, not knowing what the hell is going on type of things would be all for nothing. Why that bothers me so much. I do not know. I am sure its an internal weakness on my part. Either way its maddening... .

[guy4caligirl]

Did she ever texted you back when in NC do you think she wonders why I have cut contact with her or she doesn't even think about it ?

[NYMike]

what I struggle with the most is the fact that I still love her. always will. additionally it drives me crazy to think that all of the craziness , both good and bad, all the protecting, caring for, putting up with, not knowing what the hell is going on type of things would be all for nothing. Why that bothers me so much. I do not know. I am sure its an internal weakness on my part. Either way its maddening... .

Because you love her and you may be a caring person.I am sure men before you tried to love her too.They become are addiction we have to somehow break.It is no different than people in Al-Anon that have a kid hooked on drugs.It's very painful to love someone that is sick.

We crave answers,validation,and the way it was in the early mirroring stage.That was wonderful,wasn't it.?... Any man would fall for that and become engulfed and in love.That was not her ''real'' self.That was the BPD TRICK until they can't sustain the fasade.

I think NC is the only way out to break this addiction to them.Yes,NC means forever and a lot of us always deal with the dreaded ''hope for change''... .

[billypilgrim]

Did she ever texted you back when in NC do you think she wonders why I have cut contact with her or she doesn't even think about it ?

We kept some communication open initially.  She texted me about all the trouble she was going through with everything about her leaving (keep in mind, she's the one CHOOSING to leave).  She also texted about "business" stuff (transferring crap to her name, etc.).  Then one day about 2 weeks after she left, something just didn't sit well with me with how she was handling insurance.  I think that was the day that I woke up.  I quit being the doormat and I told her to leave me alone.  She's stuck to that.  And probably will (I hope she does).  I think she's got to land somewhere pretty low before she tries to reach out to me again.  This is a girl that told me she doesn't really apologize early on in our relationship  .  

As for the second portion - I have no idea what goes on in that head of theirs.  If you are "black" in her eyes right now, then I doubt you feature in her mind very often (other than maybe when she's feeling bad and she can be like "guy4cali was so awful to me".  If you aren't all bad, then that means she made some sort of mistake in painting you all one way.  And they can't handle being wrong or making mistakes as that reflects poorly on their self image (see example above).  So you'll be black for a while.  But she may try to recycle when things go sour with the newbie.  Mine recycled some of her ex's like crazy before me and now after me.  I have no idea how some make the cut but I hope I don't.  I'm not planning on going to try outs either.  

[Deeno02]

Im done with it. Its painful and really still not sure what I did, but my god, I cant dwell any more on it. Of course this is now and I havent seen or heard from her in 4months, this may go out the window first time I see her at VB I'll probably collaspe. Im thinking I wont, but you never know. I do know for certain I have no obligation to her or her kids, Im not in the mood for a freakin recycle with this person, nor a life with her regardless if she is in therapy, Mother Theresa blessed her, she wins the Nobel prize and aliens stop world hunger. Im done with this terminally miserable person where my only crime was loving her. Im taking my shattered heart and moving on, hopefully one day with someone who will appreciate me for me and its a shared relationship, not one sided.

[billypilgrim]

I am going to take a long shot here.

She was mirroring me because she is a BPD with an empty hole in her soul.Any man would fall in love with this mirroring.They become your everything and that is really addictive feeling to break.That takes time to process.

In reality it is not who she is.That was a FASADE and not real.So many days I am stuck on the whole ''fantasy girl'' who was not real anyways.

I can identify with this - I definitely fell hard for that fantasy girl that she pretended to be.  She loved everything about me, like you said.  And over the course of our relationship I kept working frantically to hold onto that girl she pretended to be early on.  That was the girl I fell in love with, not this shell of a person she is now.  The day she left was when she dropped character for the last time.  And that's probably why I kept telling people, "I have no idea who this girl is.  It's not the (her name) that I know."  I suppose a lot of folks say that about their SOs at the end of a relationship but in our cases, it really is a different person at the end of the relationship.  I've read this a couple of times on this board but I really think it sums them up nicely, "People with BPD are more of their true selves at the end of the relationship than at the beginning."  

[RisingSun]

Where I find myself stuck is over thinking the relationship my BPDxw is in with the replacement. We were together for 11 years. She just latched onto someone else and I was history. Just like that.

When we were still living together and I was trying to pry her off the replacement my xw wouldn't stop telling me how wonderful this new guy was. This has a deep, long lasting traumatizing effect. It's one of the worst forms of abuse. For me it felt like the kill shot.

I heard things about the replacement like, "I finally know true love!", "he's going to help me get over my issues", "I found my soulmate", the list goes on and on. This has been etched into my mind and heart. It's like a thorn jabbed deep inside of me. I can't seem to pull it out.

To think after all these years of me trying to met her needs as best I could, while putting up with such ludicrous bulls!t and she divorces me to run off with the "man of her dreams".

[NYMike]

I am going to take a long shot here.

She was mirroring me because she is a BPD with an empty hole in her soul.Any man would fall in love with this mirroring.They become your everything and that is really addictive feeling to break.That takes time to process.

In reality it is not who she is.That was a FASADE and not real.So many days I am stuck on the whole ''fantasy girl'' who was not real anyways.

I can identify with this - I definitely fell hard for that fantasy girl that she pretended to be.  She loved everything about me, like you said.  And over the course of our relationship I kept working frantically to hold onto that girl she pretended to be early on.  That was the girl I fell in love with, not this shell of a person she is now.  The day she left was when she dropped character for the last time.  And that's probably why I kept telling people, "I have no idea who this girl is.  It's not the (her name) that I know."  I suppose a lot of folks say that about their SOs at the end of a relationship but in our cases, it really is a different person at the end of the relationship.  I've read this a couple of times on this board but I really think it sums them up nicely, "People with BPD are more of their true selves at the end of the relationship than at the beginning."  

I said that a lot.''You are not the woman I met''... She is a complete mess now.This woman now is the real person.100% basket case.

I am processing my way through this ''fantasy girl'' as I trudge this grieving.