Dealing with an empty life

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been six months now since I left my wife i high drama. Her drama continues and I am left trying to accept that she and indeed no one is my responsibility anymore. I moved abroad, Im in my mid thirties and life has the potential to be very good. I work, i socialise, im out several times a week with friends but still I feel totally lost. Accepting that im just answerable to me, that her drama is not my problem anymore, I'm all of a sudden with spare energy but don't reward myself with new clothes or new gadgets or doing much for me, it's like a state of waiting and it's very strange. Does anyone identify with this? Without the caretaker role I don't know what to do. I used to book holidays for us, or be busy managing her moods, now no one needs managing, I don't book holidays for myself, I feel to go alone would be a waste, im hesitant to spoil myself with anything. This is codependcy recovery I suppose but it's very uncomfortable ... .What now?

[Trog]

It's been six months now since I left my wife i high drama. Her drama continues and I am left trying to accept that she and indeed no one is my responsibility anymore. I moved abroad, Im in my mid thirties and life has the potential to be very good. I work, i socialise, im out several times a week with friends but still I feel totally lost. Accepting that im just answerable to me, that her drama is not my problem anymore, I'm all of a sudden with spare energy but don't reward myself with new clothes or new gadgets or doing much for me, it's like a state of waiting and it's very strange. Does anyone identify with this? Without the caretaker role I don't know what to do. I used to book holidays for us, or be busy managing her moods, now no one needs managing, I don't book holidays for myself, I feel to go alone would be a waste, im hesitant to spoil myself with anything. This is codependcy recovery I suppose but it's very uncomfortable ... .What now?

[CareTaker]

Get a copy of this and read it.

Boundaries. When to say yes, and when to say no.

Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend

[Confused?]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm going to save hundreds for Christmas this year. I still haven't even went shopping for anyone. Since my ex has been gone I have bought myself a video game and that's it. I used to buy her stuff all the time and take her to movies and out to eat. She didn't drive so I used a lot of money on gas too. It's almost like giving her gifts and making her feel good made me feel good. It's weird but her happiness was my happiness so I never spent money on myself. I kind of still have the same mind set of not spending money on myself even though she is gone.

[Trog]

I will look for the book, I'm reading one now on codependency, I just thought everyone felt that way! Or believed everyone was doing their best. Life has been very frustrating, always helping people and wondering why and feeling hurt by the fact people didn't seem to want to caretake me. I didn't realise that feeling embarrassed of and for people was a symptom of codependency or that I had a problem. I used to hate going out with my ex as she was so embarrassing, she had such strange opinions but I always felt they were a reflection on me, I would dread her talking as I'd feel an idiot via association. So I didn't want her near my friends (my friends did think she was an idiot thou!).

Letting everyone just be and not feeling responsible ... .It was my life's purpose... .Now I got nothing but me and I'm just kicking my heels. I feel like getting a pet to caretake! It's weird to think, after obsessing over BPD for years, that I've got a problem!

[billypilgrim]

I will look for the book, I'm reading one now on codependency, I just thought everyone felt that way! Or believed everyone was doing their best. Life has been very frustrating, always helping people and wondering why and feeling hurt by the fact people didn't seem to want to caretake me.

Letting everyone just be and not feeling responsible ... .It was my life's purpose... .Now I got nothing but me and I'm just kicking my heels. I feel like getting a pet to caretake! It's weird to think, after obsessing over BPD for years, that I've got a problem!

I too have felt frustrated often, especially with my ex, when I would sit and think, people come to me with their problems.  People look to me for advice.  When do I get a turn?  Well, I'm finally getting my turn .

I also dreaded going out with my exBPD.  I never knew which girl I was going to get but I most certainly knew that if the night didn't go the way she hoped, I would hear about it.  And it would most likely be my fault.  It became easier and easier to just avoid doing certain things with her, mostly with her friends.  Those nights were so unpredictable.  She could be destroyed if her friends ignored her or if someone said something insensitive to her/about her.   

And that is absolutely crazy.  I was not myself.  At all.  I wasn't enjoying life, though I am starting to again now.  I was surviving day to day.  I was strung along by those random good days sprinkled throughout combined with a projection of her that I carried with me from the start of the relationship.  And that's my role in all of this.  I was an accomplice to her sickness, although unwittingly. 

[billypilgrim]

after obsessing over BPD for years, that I've got a problem!

I wouldn't totally go all in with that being a problem - it's a problem when you lose sight of who you really are.  But I don't think caretaking is so much of problem, unless of course you end up with someone like who we've been with.  The right person will realize all of the effort you put in.  The right person will value that effort and reciprocate in order to meet your needs.  People with BPD just expect that from us.  It's how they know we "love them."

"Be nice to me."

"Be sweet to me."

"Love meeeeeeeeeee"

"Show me how much you care."

"Prove it to me how much you love me."

"You don't love me as much as I love you."

"If you loved me more you'd do this for me."

How can you have an identity with someone like that?  It's always only about them.  I used to say to mine, "I'd never ask you to do that because I know you wouldn't want to.  Why can't you do that for me?"  Just like when I asked her to be there for me, the first time I ever reached out to her for anything like this (I had slipped into a depressed state, of which I blamed everything BUT my relationship).  She ignored me and never asked how I was doing.  I just remember thinking, if I'm getting out of this, I've got to do it on my own.  Otherwise, she'll leave.  And even though I got through it, she still left.

[Split black]

It's been six months now since I left my wife i high drama. Her drama continues and I am left trying to accept that she and indeed no one is my responsibility anymore. I moved abroad, Im in my mid thirties and life has the potential to be very good. I work, i socialise, im out several times a week with friends but still I feel totally lost. Accepting that im just answerable to me, that her drama is not my problem anymore, I'm all of a sudden with spare energy but don't reward myself with new clothes or new gadgets or doing much for me, it's like a state of waiting and it's very strange. Does anyone identify with this? Without the caretaker role I don't know what to do. I used to book holidays for us, or be busy managing her moods, now no one needs managing, I don't book holidays for myself, I feel to go alone would be a waste, im hesitant to spoil myself with anything. This is codependcy recovery I suppose but it's very uncomfortable ... .What now?

There are a couple of  interesting dating web sites to fuel your caretaker jones... .  message me and I will give you the names. They are fun, everything is above board and you can work on that issue while being VERY distracted.  

[Trog]

after obsessing over BPD for years, that I've got a problem!

I wouldn't totally go all in with that being a problem - it's a problem when you lose sight of who you really are.  But I don't think caretaking is so much of problem, unless of course you end up with someone like who we've been with.  The right person will realize all of the effort you put in.  The right person will value that effort and reciprocate in order to meet your needs.  People with BPD just expect that from us.  It's how they know we "love them."

"Be nice to me."

"Be sweet to me."

"Love meeeeeeeeeee"

"Show me how much you care."

"Prove it to me how much you love me."

"You don't love me as much as I love you."

"If you loved me more you'd do this for me."

How can you have an identity with someone like that?  It's always only about them.  I used to say to mine, "I'd never ask you to do that because I know you wouldn't want to.  Why can't you do that for me?"  Just like when I asked her to be there for me, the first time I ever reached out to her for anything like this (I had slipped into a depressed state, of which I blamed everything BUT my relationship).  She ignored me and never asked how I was doing.  I just remember thinking, if I'm getting out of this, I've got to do it on my own.  Otherwise, she'll leave.  And even though I got through it, she still left.

Hey Billy,

Yes, this is familiar and that particular straw broke the camels back. I know she will not be there for me when a family member dies, I experienced her not being there for me a while back when I was drugged an them robbed, somehow that became about her too. There's no way I'm going through the my parents passing or serious illness or anything where I am vulnerable with her as she will, very cruelly, kick me when I'm down, she would make a painful situation worse, and that's just not acceptable.

[Turkish]

This is a common trait for Rescuers or Caretakers. My T once asked me, "so what do you do for yourself?" I felt like the curious dog twisting its head at a strange noise. I knew what he was talking about logically, but emotionally it didn't register with me. I don't think it still does. I replied, "I don't need anyone to take care of me. I've done x, y, z, am doing well for myself and always have. I'm secure, stable, and short of catastrophe like massive unemployment or natural disaster, I should continue to do well."

"I get all of that. But again, what do you do for yourself?"

It's also hard when we are separated to get out of the habit of always checking in with a partner or spouse who has object constancy or control issues. We can become nervous wrecks always trying to do the right thing, or constantly checking in. A sudden lack of attention or purpose, as dysfunctional as it is, leaves a hole. The question is, what do we do to fill that hole without getting into the same dysfunctional dance or turning to substance abuse and reckless behavior. Recognizing it is a first good step in the recovery.

I didn't do anything for myself for my birthday, or get myself anything. I think I'm going to buy myself a new watch for Christmas, even though I don't really need one. Maybe that is a small, silly thing, but it telegraphs to me that I value myself enough to get myself a "toy." I don't have to worry about getting presents for the Ex that won't trigger or or make her mad. That was the last Christmas we spent together.

I think you are taking the initial good, first steps by not lapsing into Hermit mode.

[jhkbuzz]

I can relate to this thread for sure... .not sure that I'm codependent because I've never been in a relationship like this before, but there is definitely an empty space... .but I suppose that's true in any relationship break up.

One thing I've done is gotten out of the house a LOT - done new things, made new friends, for example. And I've started to spend money on clothing - you'd be amazed at how good it makes you feel, especially when you're meeting new people!

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I am going through the same thing.  I spent so long caring for someone elses problems that I forgot how to care for myself.  It is like learning to walk again after a horrible accident.  My new outlet is personal fitness.  I spend an hour a day in the gym.  I feel better physically because of this and the improved physique helps repair my self confidence after my time in BPD land.  Find a hobby that improves and cares for you and get lost(found) in it.

  It is normal to feel lost after a BPD experience.  You are going through the proccess of deprogramming your mind.  This is not so different from escaping a cult or torture camp.  You will make it, one little step at a time. 

[workinprogress]

I am going through the same thing.  I spent so long caring for someone elses problems that I forgot how to care for myself.  It is like learning to walk again after a horrible accident.  My new outlet is personal fitness.  I spend an hour a day in the gym.  I feel better physically because of this and the improved physique helps repair my self confidence after my time in BPD land.  Find a hobby that improves and cares for you and get lost(found) in it.

  It is normal to feel lost after a BPD experience.  You are going through the proccess of deprogramming your mind.  This is not so different from escaping a cult or torture camp.  You will make it, one little step at a time. 

I'm still with my wife, but I lived nearly all of this thread word for word!  It's amazing how similar these experiences are!

As for hobbies, I took up lifting weights.  I have combined 3 different programs into a program for myself.  It's hard work, but it feels very rewarding!

[Mutt]

This is a common trait for Rescuers or Caretakers. My T once asked me, "so what do you do for yourself?" I felt like the curious dog twisting its head at a strange noise. I knew what he was talking about logically, but emotionally it didn't register with me. I don't think it still does. I replied, "I don't need anyone to take care of me. I've done x, y, z, am doing well for myself and always have. I'm secure, stable, and short of catastrophe like massive unemployment or natural disaster, I should continue to do well."

"I get all of that. But again, what do you do for yourself?"

I can relate.

I'd like to add whenever I was asked the question from a P or T "How do you feel?" I felt embarrassed because I couldn't find an answer to the question and I felt stuck. I had difficulties identifying my feelings and articulating them.

[HappyNihilist]

Does anyone identify with this? Without the caretaker role I don't know what to do. I used to book holidays for us, or be busy managing her moods, now no one needs managing, I don't book holidays for myself, I feel to go alone would be a waste, im hesitant to spoil myself with anything. This is codependcy recovery I suppose but it's very uncomfortable ... .What now?

This is recovery. And yes, it is very uncomfortable at first. You no longer have your time, energy, and mind filled up with someone else.

It is a loss, all of that drama and caretaking. We do feel somehow "empty" without it. But that's not because it was healthy or normal... .it's very simply because it took up so much of us. Yes, we have lost something big. But is it a negative loss, or a positive one? Now we have the time and energy to focus on the most important person in our lives: ourselves. That is the "what now."

Letting everyone just be and not feeling responsible ... .It was my life's purpose... .Now I got nothing but me and I'm just kicking my heels.

Now is your opportunity to do what you've been doing for others all of your life. You can finally caretake yourself. You can devote your time, energy, and headspace to supporting and encouraging and helping yourself. You can study yourself, figure yourself out. You can make decisions based on how beneficial they are to you, without worrying about someone else.

You should be your life's purpose.

It's weird to think, after obsessing over BPD for years, that I've got a problem!

The fact that you did obsess over BPD for years shows that you have issues needing to be addressed. I say this without judgment, as I too struggle with codependent traits. But the fact is, focusing so much on "helping" other people (which is really us trying to exert control), sacrificing of ourselves to caretake, and becoming obsessed with figuring someone else out and "fixing" them... .these are not healthy behaviors, and we can never hope to find true happiness and peace without serious self-examination.

There are a couple of  interesting dating web sites to fuel your caretaker jones... .  message me and I will give you the names. They are fun, everything is above board and you can work on that issue while being VERY distracted.  

I'm not sure I would necessarily recommend this right now. I have a pretty good idea of what you're talking about, and while I definitely agree that such r/s's can be healthy, fun, and useful ways of channeling certain energies and drives, I would advise waiting until you're a bit more healed and in touch with yourself. If you truly want to work on your own issues, you don't need bandages or distractions on top of those old wounds.

"I get all of that. But again, what do you do for yourself?"

This is so perfect. It's so important to take care of ourselves.

It doesn't even have to be anything tangible. Just telling yourself that you love yourself is doing something for yourself. Smiling at yourself in the mirror. Forgiving yourself.

I think you are taking the initial good, first steps by not lapsing into Hermit mode.

I don't necessarily think it's bad to go into Hermit mode. Nothing we do to heal ourselves is bad. If we need to retreat and focus on ourselves for a little while, that's perfectly fine. It's perfectly fine not to do so, too. We have to decide what is best for our healing.

It's also hard when we are separated to get out of the habit of always checking in with a partner or spouse who has object constancy or control issues. We can become nervous wrecks always trying to do the right thing, or constantly checking in. A sudden lack of attention or purpose, as dysfunctional as it is, leaves a hole. The question is, what do we do to fill that hole without getting into the same dysfunctional dance or turning to substance abuse and reckless behavior. Recognizing it is a first good step in the recovery.

[whatathing]

It's been six months now since I left my wife i high drama. Her drama continues and I am left trying to accept that she and indeed no one is my responsibility anymore. I moved abroad, Im in my mid thirties and life has the potential to be very good. I work, i socialise, im out several times a week with friends but still I feel totally lost. Accepting that im just answerable to me, that her drama is not my problem anymore, I'm all of a sudden with spare energy but don't reward myself with new clothes or new gadgets or doing much for me, it's like a state of waiting and it's very strange. Does anyone identify with this? Without the caretaker role I don't know what to do. I used to book holidays for us, or be busy managing her moods, now no one needs managing, I don't book holidays for myself, I feel to go alone would be a waste, im hesitant to spoil myself with anything. This is codependcy recovery I suppose but it's very uncomfortable ... .What now?

I relate so much to all of this. I agree that it´s about codependency and control, but I think, in my case, it´s not only that. I´m not sure that I focus on another person because of control, I think that control is a consequence of earlier issues. I think it goes back at being a child and not being adequately mirrored and validated by my parents, and not developing autonomy and awareness about my own inner life, emotions, drives, etc. Control issues I think are a little later down the line, when I started to want attention and closeness BECAUSE I wasn´t able to relate to my own emotions, because I wasn´t addequately aware of them, and didn´t adequately act upon them, I didn´t root my behavior upon them.

It´s like if I needed other people to filter my own emotions and inner reality. If they don´t "see" me, I also can´t see me. If they don´t feed me with ways of relating to things, activities, subjects, core values, etc., I´m not able to evoke my own ways by myself. Like if my own weren´t as real as other people´s ones. So, I tend to live other people´s lives, their excitements, their thrills, their narratives, instead of exploring my own, and I can really feel their lives and adopt them as my own. This takes it´s strongest version in romantic love, where I tend to feel life "through" a girlfriend. So, I seek women who feel things deeply, who look sensitive, expansive, etc., because that makes ME feel things more. And also, that makes me identify with myself in a projective way, like if they are giving me back something that is already in me but that I don´t pay attention to.

All of this, I think, has more to do with not reaching a full developed, autonomous, complete Self, capable of recognizing my own emotions and needs, than with other psychological mechanisms like control. Control is subsequent, it becomes a way of guaranteeing the presence of another, so I can be fed of all those needs.

So I´m also feeling the same feeling of emptiness that you describe, and I´m trying to build up ways of feeling the world by my own emotions and it´s difficult, because I feel lonely, like something´s lacking. A romantic partner brings a kind of colour and aliveness to my life that I struggle very much being able to reach that colour and aliveness by myself. But I think that´s the path. I think I´m in the right way, and I suggest that maybe more people here could do well going the same path. It´s difficult because these absences in focusing in ourselves come from an early age in our development, and we are very used to not using these abilities that were underdeveloped from very young ages. But it´s not only possible to recover them, it´s essential. I don´t want to live "trough" a woman´s experience of life, I want to have my own rich experience so I can SHARE it with a great woman and appreciate her´s for being her experience, not mine.

An interesting thing that all of this brings to mind, is that pwBPDs also were lacking important developmental steps in an early age, but in ways that are COMPLEMENTARY to those of co-dependent people. That brings a strong feeling of familiarity and closeness, because we recognize similar processes, styles, emotions, in them. But they´re not that similar to us. They are going through different kinds of dynamics, also rooted in their early ages, and around similar issues, but in very different manners. That difference is what leads us to a strong feeling of not understanding them. How can they go trough similar emotions, but respond to them in so different ways than we do? It doesn´t make sense to us. But it´s because their struggle, although in a "battlefield" that is near to ours, is not the same as ours. Therefore, the awkward feeling we have, it´s because it doesn´t make sense to our emotional dynamics.

Sorry about the long post... .I just want to add that as a hobby I bought a DSLR photo camera, and it´s a great way of finding myself. Because it gives me space to look at things by my own perspective, and it makes me spend time with myself, relating to the world from my Self. I´ve also been shopping more new clothes and exercised more, like it´s been said, and I agree that it´s great to lift myself.

Thanks for reading and for posting.

[whatathing]

P.S.: although I may seem to be dealing with things, that doesn´t keep me of being sad tonight. It´s her birthday, and she´s out celebrating with her friends. I feel like I should be there, and that my own life has been took away from me. Her family was like my family, her friends too, and now I´m here, excluded from where I feel I belong. Oh well, it will get better!

[Turkish]

whatathing,

I charged up the battery in my DSLR this morning and was out taking pictures in a park this afternoon. I even put myself in two shots using the timer. Photography is a wonderful self-care activity, no matter how deep you go into it.

If you feel you were invalidated as a child, have you thought about posting to the Coping and Healing Board? Not all, but some of us, grew up with BPD, or otherwise dysfunctional parents, which probably contributed to many of us ending up in relationships with pwBPD.

[whatathing]

whatathing,

I charged up the battery in my DSLR this morning and was out taking pictures in a park this afternoon. I even put myself in two shots using the timer. Photography is a wonderful self-care activity, no matter how deep you go into it.

If you feel you were invalidated as a child, have you thought about posting to the Coping and Healing Board? Not all, but some of us, grew up with BPD, or otherwise dysfunctional parents, which probably contributed to many of us ending up in relationships with pwBPD.

Thanks Turkish, I hadn´t thought about that... .I didn´t consider myself healing from parents, but from pwBPD! That´s interesting though, I´ll look around that section, I never did. I don´t think my parents are BPD, anyway. I think my mother´s got some traits, but not severe enough, and she´s also co-dependent; and my father I think he´s NPD. I´m also in therapy, and we talk about that a lot. Thanks!

Wow, talking about photography and you were at it today. Me too, actually. It´s a great self-care activity, well put!

[Mutt]

The Coping and Healing board helped me with leaving emotional baggage on that board. Stories I hadn't recanted to anyone else.

[BorisAcusio]

I think you are taking the initial good, first steps by not lapsing into Hermit mode.

I don't necessarily think it's bad to go into Hermit mode. Nothing we do to heal ourselves is bad. If we need to retreat and focus on ourselves for a little while, that's perfectly fine. It's perfectly fine not to do so, too. We have to decide what is best for our healing.

The Hermit was intended to describe someone experiencing narcissistic withdrawal. It is not a healthy way of dealing with issues. Been there, done that.

[HappyNihilist]

I think you are taking the initial good, first steps by not lapsing into Hermit mode.

I don't necessarily think it's bad to go into Hermit mode. Nothing we do to heal ourselves is bad. If we need to retreat and focus on ourselves for a little while, that's perfectly fine. It's perfectly fine not to do so, too. We have to decide what is best for our healing.

The Hermit was intended to describe someone experiencing narcissistic withdrawal. It is not a healthy way of dealing with issues. Been there, done that.

No, I agree that retreating because of narcissistic withdrawal is not healthy. Since "Hermit" is a bit of a loaded word, I'll rephrase and say -- I don't think it's bad to take time to yourself to heal. For instance, when I "retreated" after my b/u, it was because I was so emotionally tired and confused (and realized that I had issues I needed to address) that I needed more time and energy to focus on myself, without distractions.