Barring any abuse or extreme behaviors, how do you know when to go?

[adventurer]

I don't think she will ever change.  All I've seen are ten years of failed promises and manipulations when I try to set boundaries.  She will never get a job as long as I provide the barest of sustenance to her.  All my family and friends think I'm crazy for staying this long.

Why am I so weak that I just can't go?

I suppose I'm afraid of all the conflict and pain.  I'm afraid of her anger and sadness.  I'm afraid of being a failure.  I'm afraid of the repercussions in all of our shared social groups.  I will miss the good things, the shared experiences, the companionship. 

When we were in bad straights financially, she would do nothing to help.  It's like my concern about it meant nothing to her.  I have sacrificed so much for her and nothing in return.  My head says I need to get out of this.  I'm stuck and frozen.

[downwhim]

When the rages got so bad I knew it was time to go. He played the silent treatment card and then the I am not going to touch you card. I was lonely in the relationship. It was not until a counselor said to me "what are YOU getting out of this relationship?" I sacrificed 8 years of my life. I did a lot with him and for him. Yet, I lived with a pit in my stomach awaiting the next mood swing. Is tonight the night he will yell at me because things didn't go his way?

Splitting, mood swings, discounting, invalidation, lies, cheating and not admitting it. Although I miss him (sick) I have to ask myself WHY? What is it in me that stayed so long and endured so much?

I am lonely, yes big time. I have no idea what my future holds anymore. It is frightening but tonight my son said, "I never liked him Mom." What kind of role model am I for him if I stay in an abusive relationship?

It is hard to leave. It is hard not to go over to his house 10 minutes away and scream in his face and confront the replacement. I want to but really where does that get me. I will look as screwed up as he is.

My ring stays in the safety deposit box. I am lost but I can post, read, take my anti anxiety pills, call a friend and know in my heart I do have a future. It is not for me to see yet but staying with him was worse. I loved the devil. He said it's over and I am taking that and running and God willing I won't look back. Everyday of N/C is a day of peace. I need to stay strong. 63 days and counting.

I appreciate this site and all that are helping me through this b/u.

[downwhim]

P.S. Without therapy they will never change.

[Faith1520]

I left when I was able to fully accept that he is in denial. Finding out he has BPD was a factor, too, because I learned a lot about the disorder and I knew that he was in big trouble and needed serious help. It wasn't just a clash of personalities. These weren't just issues that a few months of couples counseling could fix. This wasn't even really something that *I* could work on (How I wished it were!) This was a serious mental illness and the person affected does not want to face himself.  

What also helped me see his denial is that although he would admit he had issues, he was still blaming me for almost all of what went wrong. He could rarely acknowledge his faults or give an apology without defending himself and telling me what I was doing wrong. It would always come back to me. This gave me zero hope that he was on his way to recovery. If you don't think you have a problem, or if you don't think your problem is that big of a deal, then you're not going to change it. He would admit he had a problem but his actions (and sometimes words) showed that in his eyes the problem was more mine and everyone else's and that changing himself wasn't that important. He was so defensive and sensitive about being at fault for anything that the counselor and I both agreed it wouldn't even be helpful to give him the diagnosis. So he to this day does not know he has it.

What really pushed me out the door is the last and final argument which he spun even more out of control than usual. He was mad at me for not giving him an answer on something that I told him I needed to think about. He refused to speak to me or continue counseling and told me to get my stuff out of his place... .but he still wanted to be in a relationship (makes no sense!) This went on for 2weeks of almost no communication at all, mixed in with some crazy behavior. During that time I soaked up all the info I could on BPD, codependency, and thanks to a great book I relaized he was emotionally blackmailing me and it wasn't the first time he'd done it. He was a manipulator (most w/BPD are) and I realized that he was controlling me and this was a bunch of crap and I didn't deserve it. I got angry. That whole situation gave me an extra push out the door. The final straw was another blackmailing situation where he wanted to control me. Even though I felt like letting him have it, I ended it by kindly and sincerely wishing him the best. (And then I got raged at)

I held on so long to the fact that (on a good day) he would admit his faults and be completely sincere in telling me he was sorry and wanted to be better. That he was trying. He'd be so awesome and sweet to me. It is so hard when a person shows you two sides. You want so badly to believe in their love and give them the benefit of the doubt.

You've had a lot longer of a relationship than I did (1.5 yr) so I'm sure it is even harder to leave. There will be a lot of things you will miss, but I hear those things will fade and I am already seeing evidence of it a month out of the relationship. I have much more peace in my life already. Of course there are tough times, but every time I get sad I think about all the crap I put up with (I made a list of our arguments) and I realize I am much better off. We all deserve far better than the crap we have been accepting!

[downwhim]

Thanks Faith, so beautifully worded. It is 100 percent how I feel. My ex does not admit he is borderline. I copied an article 2 years ago for him to read and he threw it out and said I was crazy. He told me that I was the one that was a Dram Queen and he just needed less stress and I was the one causing it. Denial and trying hard to guilt and shame me for the relationship breakdown.