How to get out of this situation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Dear friends,

It's been awhile since my last post. Essentially I was down on my luck, and managed to get coerced and tricked in to impregnating a woman with strong borderline traits. She is entering DBT early next month as per my advice.

She is about 5 months pregnant with a girl.

I am so depressed. I feel like my life is going to become hell. I am gaining weight, I don't go out anymore, I have lost my enthusiasm for life. I feel like my life is over. That all my savings will go to her, and that I'm going to be sucked dry by her and her daughter for the rest of my life.

I have zero interest in co-parenting with her, and I don't want to pay child support. She has reproductive rights, and I do not. So essentially, I will be forced to pay her child support.

My dreams of having a family with an equal partner... .are going down the toilet. How could I afford that with 25% of my income going to this parasite?

In any case, she keeps assuring me she isn't going to sue me for child support, but I don't trust her at all. I still see her once or twice a week. I'm intimate with her, and I feel awful about myself.

When I tried to cut things off she showed up at my work, and my house, and threatened child support. I make three times as much as her, and she is on cloud 9 right now... .and I am absolutely miserable.

I know there's nothing I can really do. That my life is completely ___ed. That my life will most likely be filled with drama, chaos, violence, courts, other men and horror... .emotional pain... .etc.

Should I just run away and become a professional poker player? I make 85k/ year and she makes $16 an hour.

Court ordered CS would be $1000->1500+ with child care. This is 25%->35% of my take home income... .essentially I won't be able to save any money and trapped in a job I don't like at all. I'm an aspiring entrepreneur, and a lot of people have invested in me to reach my potential. Why would I want to be a slave to a little girl being raised by BPD?

I get that this little girl would "technically" be my daughter... .but honestly, children are just people. They grow up to be adults, and I sure as hell don't want to waste my life co parenting with an invalid.

What a waste of my parents, teachers, friends' energy. Waste my life so this woman can play house with her little prisoner. Hating life right now.

Stoic

[stoic83]

Dear friends,

It's been awhile since my last post. Essentially I was down on my luck, and managed to get coerced and tricked in to impregnating a woman with strong borderline traits. She is entering DBT early next month as per my advice.

She is about 5 months pregnant with a girl.

I am so depressed. I feel like my life is going to become hell. I am gaining weight, I don't go out anymore, I have lost my enthusiasm for life. I feel like my life is over. That all my savings will go to her, and that I'm going to be sucked dry by her and her daughter for the rest of my life.

I have zero interest in co-parenting with her, and I don't want to pay child support. She has reproductive rights, and I do not. So essentially, I will be forced to pay her child support.

My dreams of having a family with an equal partner... .are going down the toilet. How could I afford that with 25% of my income going to this parasite?

In any case, she keeps assuring me she isn't going to sue me for child support, but I don't trust her at all. I still see her once or twice a week. I'm intimate with her, and I feel awful about myself.

When I tried to cut things off she showed up at my work, and my house, and threatened child support. I make three times as much as her, and she is on cloud 9 right now... .and I am absolutely miserable.

I know there's nothing I can really do. That my life is completely ___ed. That my life will most likely be filled with drama, chaos, violence, courts, other men and horror... .emotional pain... .etc.

Should I just run away and become a professional poker player? I make 85k/ year and she makes $16 an hour.

Court ordered CS would be $1000->1500+ with child care. This is 25%->35% of my take home income... .essentially I won't be able to save any money and trapped in a job I don't like at all. I'm an aspiring entrepreneur, and a lot of people have invested in me to reach my potential. Why would I want to be a slave to a little girl being raised by BPD?

I get that this little girl would "technically" be my daughter... .but honestly, children are just people. They grow up to be adults, and I sure as hell don't want to waste my life co parenting with an invalid.

What a waste of my parents, teachers, friends' energy. Waste my life so this woman can play house with her little prisoner. Hating life right now.

Stoic

[HappyNihilist]

Stoic, I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation and feeling so hopeless right now. I know it feels very overwhelming.

Right now, you are awfulizing:

An irrational and dramatic thought pattern, characterized by the tendency to overestimate the potential seriousness or negative consequences of events, situations, or perceived threats. A person who engages in awfulizing likely predicts the most catastrophic outcome in every circumstance.

Psychologist Albert Ellis coined the term awfulizing to refer to a distortion of thinking. When we awfulize, an event or situation is thought of in overly negative terms. It's a kind of negative exaggeration where, for example, a minor setback is seen as a major catastrophe. Or a feared event is seen as so awful is it seems impossible to endure. Awfulizing can set into motion a chain of self-fulfilling thoughts, feelings and actions; the mere expectation that things will get worse will cause them to get worse.

Awfulizing is a painful place to be, and while we're stuck there, we feel a ton of depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. It's important to realize that this is distorted thinking on our part.

My dreams of having a family with an equal partner... .are going down the toilet. How could I afford that with 25% of my income going to this parasite?

It won't be an easy road, but your dreams are not down the toilet.

One of my closest friends impregnated a girl during a one-night stand years ago, and has been sharing custody and paying CS since his daughter was born. He has since married a lovely woman and has two children with her, and a very happy life. And he doesn't make as much as you make.

Huge, unexpected, potentially catastrophic events happen in life. We have to decide whether to make the best of it, or to let it beat us down.

Court ordered CS would be $1000->1500+ with child care. This is 25%->35% of my take home income... .essentially I won't be able to save any money and trapped in a job I don't like at all. I'm an aspiring entrepreneur, and a lot of people have invested in me to reach my potential. Why would I want to be a slave to a little girl being raised by BPD?

You're awfulizing here again.

Yes, you may have to stay at a job you don't like for longer than you intended to. Yes, you may be paying 1/4 of your earnings for CS. These are distinct possibilities.

"Not being able to save any money" and "trapped in a job," however, are your catastrophic interpretations of these possibilities. How do you think you could reframe this? How about something like "money might be tight for a while."

What a waste of my parents, teachers, friends' energy. Waste my life so this woman can play house with her little prisoner. Hating life right now.

I know you're feeling very down, frustrated, angry, and overwhelmed. It's all too easy in times like this to feel like our lives are somehow over. But your life isn't over or wasted at all.

Life so often laughs at the plans we try to make. We have to make the choice for ourselves to be resilient and adaptable.

You are only hurting yourself by staying stuck in these negative thought patterns.

[stoic83]

Stoic, I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation and feeling so hopeless right now. I know it feels very overwhelming.

Right now, you are awfulizing:

An irrational and dramatic thought pattern, characterized by the tendency to overestimate the potential seriousness or negative consequences of events, situations, or perceived threats. A person who engages in awfulizing likely predicts the most catastrophic outcome in every circumstance.

Psychologist Albert Ellis coined the term awfulizing to refer to a distortion of thinking. When we awfulize, an event or situation is thought of in overly negative terms. It's a kind of negative exaggeration where, for example, a minor setback is seen as a major catastrophe. Or a feared event is seen as so awful is it seems impossible to endure. Awfulizing can set into motion a chain of self-fulfilling thoughts, feelings and actions; the mere expectation that things will get worse will cause them to get worse.

Awfulizing is a painful place to be, and while we're stuck there, we feel a ton of depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. It's important to realize that this is distorted thinking on our part.

My dreams of having a family with an equal partner... .are going down the toilet. How could I afford that with 25% of my income going to this parasite?

It won't be an easy road, but your dreams are not down the toilet.

One of my closest friends impregnated a girl during a one-night stand years ago, and has been sharing custody and paying CS since his daughter was born. He has since married a lovely woman and has two children with her, and a very happy life. And he doesn't make as much as you make.

Huge, unexpected, potentially catastrophic events happen in life. We have to decide whether to make the best of it, or to let it beat us down.

Court ordered CS would be $1000->1500+ with child care. This is 25%->35% of my take home income... .essentially I won't be able to save any money and trapped in a job I don't like at all. I'm an aspiring entrepreneur, and a lot of people have invested in me to reach my potential. Why would I want to be a slave to a little girl being raised by BPD?

You're awfulizing here again.

Yes, you may have to stay at a job you don't like for longer than you intended to. Yes, you may be paying 1/4 of your earnings for CS. These are distinct possibilities.

"Not being able to save any money" and "trapped in a job," however, are your catastrophic interpretations of these possibilities. How do you think you could reframe this? How about something like "money might be tight for a while."

What a waste of my parents, teachers, friends' energy. Waste my life so this woman can play house with her little prisoner. Hating life right now.

I know you're feeling very down, frustrated, angry, and overwhelmed. It's all too easy in times like this to feel like our lives are somehow over. But your life isn't over or wasted at all.

Life so often laughs at the plans we try to make. We have to make the choice for ourselves to be resilient and adaptable.

You are only hurting yourself by staying stuck in these negative thought patterns.

Happy Nihilist,

Thanks for your post. It's nice to know that their are other people who have triumphed over this tragedy. A tragedy of essentially having my life stolen away from me, and given to a person who lied,cheated, and stole her way in to a better life for herself.

I hope I find the strength and positivity to look at things differently. Honestly, my life has been a roller coaster lately. I know that I will be okay... .but it pains me to know, that the extra money I have earned for myself has been STOLEN from me for 18-21 years. That this woman practically raped me, (e.g held me down to inseminate herself) and lied to me about her infertility... and she will be rewarded indefinitely.

I suppose things could be much worse... .but it doesn't really make me feel any better. I am working hard in counseling on boundaries, and making changes to my life so that I can be happy again... .it's really hard.

Before I moved here, the business I started was robbed dry by a narcissistic business partner... .as far as life laughing, it's funny how small lapses of judgement can dramatically alter the course of one's life.

I am arguing with myself about even being involved in the child's life. It seems like I could be in for a world of hurt if I am.

I don't want to play a part in the adversarial process, or be in and out of the little girl's life... .but I also don't want to be attached to this woman who crippled my soul indefinitely... .with little true reflection or remorse. It's like she only cared about herself and having a child... .I'm just nothing. My life means nothing to her or the courts.

And as I sit there, and she begs me to spend time with her and tells me how adorable I am and how she will "fight for me" I just want to crawl in to a hole. I just want to run away and start over.

I don't want to be a slave


Stoic

[PinkieV]

I've hesitated to reply to your posts, but here goes:

1) You are responsible for yourself.  You slept with her, believed her, and you got taken.  I'm sorry it happened, but it did,

and you need to acknowledge and accept your own responsibility in this.

2) Your child NEEDS you.  She's not just born to be a minion of her mother.  YOU can make a difference.  My DH got lucky

and got his boys back after 10+ years.  We both take the responsibility of raising them very seriously.  It's been a hard

road, with more to come, but there's no way I'd walk away from a child who needs me.

3) If you really don't want to accept responsibility, drop all contact, move, hide.  Barring that, you're going to have to man up.

I'm sorry this is so harsh, but it is just reality.  You're not going to get anywhere by bemoaning what happened and what could

have been.  I really like HappyNihilist's post about "awfulizing".  Awesome word, tells you exactly what's going on.  You need

to stand up, brush yourself off, and make a plan.  Everyone here is trying to help you, and there is a wealth of great advice.

Please, please take it. 

[Thunderstruck]

Hi stoic. My DH was in your position. He met and immediately (within two weeks) knocked up a chick he barely knew. He tried to stick around and "make things work" for the sake of his daughter, so she would have at least one normal reliable parent. He did this at the sake of his own goals and dreams and happiness. If you asked him, though, I think he would have done it again. He just couldn't give up on his daughter. He couldn't let that little girl be raised all alone in the chaos of a BPD mother. He didn't want to just be a child support check every month.

Statistically a child of a BPD has a much better chance of becoming a healthy adult if they have at least one healthy parent around. As PinkieV said, your child needs you.

Consult with a lawyer. The legal process takes forrrevvvvverrrrr so it's best to get that ball rolling right away.

Also... .make sure there is a DNA test.

[stoic83]

Dear friends,

I am very appreciative of the advice received here. I understand it must be tough to see someone with such a negative attitude about things. I guess the disconnect is regarding our value systems. I do not feel that the child needs me as much as 1,000,000 starving children in Africa do, although I can do nothing to help them... .if I was a "saint" I suppose I would just quit my job and go to Africa, and feed the needy.

There are plenty of underprivileged, under-parented children in this world. Just because the child has my genes, does not mean she is any more deserving of my support than anybody else. The tribalistic and "blood is thicker than water" mentalities that people have in this day and age are exactly what contributes to unequal wealth distribution, warfare, racism, cultural bias, and everything else that is wrong.

That being said, we live inside an unjust system... .and must cope with this harsh reality. I think it's of better use of my time, energy, and finances to find a well adjusted woman in which to have a "family unit" to raise children in... .then to spend energy on these people.

I do not have unlimited time, money and energy to devote to this life, and I would prefer to spend it where I want. I do NOT make decisions out of fear, obligation, or guilt.

Also, after calling the domestic violence hotline, I spoke with a man who told me I was a victim of reproductive coercion. It seems that women can sometimes hold a double standard as far as reproductive rights go... .I am very appreciative of the support I've received, but I am searching for humanistic support and advice rather than advice based on my gender. He warned me against coparenting, and said that she could very likely use the child as a weapon against me... .and then repeatedly told me it wasn't my fault.

E.g. imagine you were in my situation as a woman. That a man forced you to be pregnant; he held you down and impregnated you. Although you consented to sex, you did not consent to mother his children... .especially if you wanted to be with somebody else. How would you feel?

Would you consider abortion, or adoption? Would you raise the child on your own and hide from this criminal? Or would you be okay, with being forced to give this man money every month with limited oversight, over the fact that it's your responsibility? That the child needs you?

I believe in equal rights for men, women, and children and that nobody should be forced in to something, especially a lifelong responsibility that involves being subservient to a toxic and abusive individual.

Stoic

I think it's awfully hard for a woman to imagine being in my shoes... .

[PinkieV]

We live with and fight alongside our DH's.  Well, I tried.  Good luck to you.

[stoic83]

We live with and fight alongside our DH's.  Well, I tried.  Good luck to you.

So your husbands sacrifice their goals and dreams for their daughters. Why? Sounds codependent.

I don't think his daughter would want that... .so she is supposed to sacrifice her goals and dreams for the next... .and then her children for the next... .? What's the point of investing in future generations if they are just going to keep paying it forward. Is the next child going to fulfill their dreams? Or sacrifice for the next. It makes no sense... .it's a vicious cycle.

When I was a child, I was a huge children's' rights activist. i agree that children can't support themselves. If my parents sacrificed for me, they only resented me for it... .how could they not? I never asked to be born. I never asked to be sacrificed for... .I needed emotional and financial support. Why would I want my parents to sacrifice for me?

My dad was abused by my mother in front of me, every day... .and she encouraged me to join in on the fun. He worked tirelessly so SHE didn't have to. So she could take care of us... .why?

My dad has no soul anymore. He was just a source of NS for my mother... .Women in my family are spoiled, entitled, manipulative... .a lot like this one. Why would I want that fate for myself? Am I not worth taking care of?

As in... .why is the next generation so much more valuable than I am? Anyways, I'm sorry that in your eyes I'm a lost cause. Back before all the borderline abuse perhaps my hippocampus was functioning more efficiently. Maybe my soul is dead too:/

I miss the old me... .

[ForeverDad]

We are trying to help you see that the glass, though not full, can be viewed as half-full rather than half-empty.  That is your choice.  This is what you can control, your perspective.  By seeing things in negative extremes you are 'awfulizing'.

Stoic, I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation and feeling so hopeless right now. I know it feels very overwhelming.

Right now, you are awfulizing:

An irrational and dramatic thought pattern, characterized by the tendency to overestimate the potential seriousness or negative consequences of events, situations, or perceived threats. A person who engages in awfulizing likely predicts the most catastrophic outcome in every circumstance.

Psychologist Albert Ellis coined the term awfulizing to refer to a distortion of thinking. When we awfulize, an event or situation is thought of in overly negative terms. It's a kind of negative exaggeration where, for example, a minor setback is seen as a major catastrophe. Or a feared event is seen as so awful is it seems impossible to endure. Awfulizing can set into motion a chain of self-fulfilling thoughts, feelings and actions; the mere expectation that things will get worse will cause them to get worse.

Awfulizing is a painful place to be, and while we're stuck there, we feel a ton of depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. It's important to realize that this is distorted thinking on our part.

Huge, unexpected, potentially catastrophic events happen in life. We have to decide whether to make the best of it, or to let it beat us down.

Life so often laughs at the plans we try to make. We have to make the choice for ourselves to be resilient and adaptable.

You are only hurting yourself by staying stuck in these negative thought patterns.

You arrived here several months ago... .have you made progress in your outlook, your perspective, your solutions?  Progress is my point.  Not everything can be fixed, we all know that, but your progress is right there in your hands for you to control.  Maybe you have limited control over others' actions, it is what it is... .but Your progress is in Your control.

And I worry that if you continue with this intimate relationship you'll have baby #2 and perhaps more.  Don't set yourself up for even more problems.  Please.

[Grey Kitty]

You are not your circumstances.

I miss the old me... .

Then choose to live like that person you used to be.

Your circumstances have changed. Your ability to choose what to do in them hasn't changed. Make a choice to live well.

[stoic83]

We are trying to help you see that the glass, though not full, can be viewed as half-full rather than half-empty.  That is your choice.  This is what you can control, your perspective.  By seeing things in negative extremes you are 'awfulizing'.

Stoic, I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation and feeling so hopeless right now. I know it feels very overwhelming.

Right now, you are awfulizing:

An irrational and dramatic thought pattern, characterized by the tendency to overestimate the potential seriousness or negative consequences of events, situations, or perceived threats. A person who engages in awfulizing likely predicts the most catastrophic outcome in every circumstance.

Psychologist Albert Ellis coined the term awfulizing to refer to a distortion of thinking. When we awfulize, an event or situation is thought of in overly negative terms. It's a kind of negative exaggeration where, for example, a minor setback is seen as a major catastrophe. Or a feared event is seen as so awful is it seems impossible to endure. Awfulizing can set into motion a chain of self-fulfilling thoughts, feelings and actions; the mere expectation that things will get worse will cause them to get worse.

Awfulizing is a painful place to be, and while we're stuck there, we feel a ton of depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. It's important to realize that this is distorted thinking on our part.

Huge, unexpected, potentially catastrophic events happen in life. We have to decide whether to make the best of it, or to let it beat us down.

Life so often laughs at the plans we try to make. We have to make the choice for ourselves to be resilient and adaptable.

You are only hurting yourself by staying stuck in these negative thought patterns.

You arrived here several months ago... .have you made progress in your outlook, your perspective, your solutions?  Progress is my point.  Not everything can be fixed, we all know that, but your progress is right there in your hands for you to control.  Maybe you have limited control over others' actions, it is what it is... .but Your progress is in Your control.

And I worry that if you continue with this intimate relationship you'll have baby #2 and perhaps more.  Don't set yourself up for even more problems.  Please.

I agree ForeverDad. My counselor is really helping me. The anger I feel is powerful. The anger towards this woman who did this to me. Who continues to try and guilt and manipulate me.

The counselor says "let her explain to her daughter how it's HER FAULT that she doesn't have a father that's around. That it's her fault for lying, forcing it on me and that she's to blame."

It makes me furious!

I am full of anger and hurt. I agree that I can not have sex with this woman anymore. That she could do this again. That she's like an insect laying her eggs inside of me... .destroying me.

I have dreams that I'm a beautiful animal running wild and free, and how she poisoned me... .and I'm crawling along the ground now. Barely alive.

I wish I was getting better. I am proactive... .I haven't used the boards in a while. But what do you expect from me? That I'm going to be optimistic and at peace with the situation?

I will say that I am distancing myself from her... .spending less time... .less energy and feeling stronger. I don't want any more stalking, or harassment. I just can't handle it right now.

I have no family here. Im visiting with family over Xmas and was with them on thanksgiving (not my parents). It's really tough, ForeverDad. I am sorry that I am not better. I am sorry that I have let you all down.

Trust me, i wouldn't enjoy listening to me right now either. It's just toxic.

[stoic83]

You are not your circumstances.

I miss the old me... .

Then choose to live like that person you used to be.

Your circumstances have changed. Your ability to choose what to do in them hasn't changed. Make a choice to live well.

I don't feel the same as I used to be. I don't have the same feelings. I'm not as caring... .I'm bitter. I used to feel so deeply. I'm numb. I've got no enthusiasm or energy. I'm sorry it sucks to spend your time and energy and not see me in a better place. It's ups and downs though.

I come here when I am feeling awful... .like I need help. It's hard to put up boundaries. I'm scared of her reactions. Her abuse. I'm serious... .it's real.

Stoic

[HappyNihilist]

I believe in equal rights for men, women, and children and that nobody should be forced in to something, especially a lifelong responsibility that involves being subservient to a toxic and abusive individual.

I think it's awfully hard for a woman to imagine being in my shoes... .

To be fair, I think an awful lot of women are forced into lifelong responsibilities that include being subservient to toxic, abusive individuals. And an awful lot of children are born into toxic, abusive situations that they didn't choose.

This is not a gender issue, and I don't think that anyone has been trying to make it one. People are just trying to encourage you to break yourself out of negative thought patterns that are only leading you deeper into depression and anxiety. You're in a painful, negative place, and there can be no hope of progress or healing while you're there.

To me, it sounds like this is what is truly causing you such pain:

I think it's of better use of my time, energy, and finances to find a well adjusted woman in which to have a "family unit" to raise children in... .then to spend energy on these people.

I do not have unlimited time, money and energy to devote to this life, and I would prefer to spend it where I want. I do NOT make decisions out of fear, obligation, or guilt.

You have certain expectations of your life, and now you are confronted with the possibility that those expectations will not be met.

This is causing cognitive dissonance.

You will continue to suffer this cognitive dissonance until you either change your perspective/behavior or find a maladaptive coping mechanism.

Your username is Stoic. The Stoics taught that we can only achieve tranquility if we become emotionally unattached to expectations. We must learn to accept life as it comes, for the only thing in this world that is within our control is our perspective and actions. Expectations only lead to suffering.

If you want to find peace for yourself, you must accept that things are what they are, and go from there. You can't change what has happened. I know it seems very unfair. Life is not fair. All we can do is our best, given our circumstances and knowledge at any given time.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't feel the same as I used to be. I don't have the same feelings. I'm not as caring... .I'm bitter. I used to feel so deeply. I'm numb. I've got no enthusiasm or energy.

You don't get to control your feelings. And a lot of them are awful. 

You do get to choose your actions.

... like I need help. It's hard to put up boundaries. I'm scared of her reactions. Her abuse. I'm serious... .it's real.

Yes, it is hard. And we're here to help. Can you describe a specific incident when you saw her, how it turned into abuse, and what you are afraid of?

Many of us here have a LOT of experience enforcing boundaries.

[stoic83]

I don't feel the same as I used to be. I don't have the same feelings. I'm not as caring... .I'm bitter. I used to feel so deeply. I'm numb. I've got no enthusiasm or energy.

You don't get to control your feelings. And a lot of them are awful. 

You do get to choose your actions.

... like I need help. It's hard to put up boundaries. I'm scared of her reactions. Her abuse. I'm serious... .it's real.

Yes, it is hard. And we're here to help. Can you describe a specific incident when you saw her, how it turned into abuse, and what you are afraid of?

Many of us here have a LOT of experience enforcing boundaries.

Well whenever I do what she wants me to she's pleasant towards me.

Recently I told her I didn't feel like seeing her... .she told me it was fine and she didn't need my help anymore and that I have way more important things to do than to help her with her resume, that she would have plenty of time to look for a new job once she has the baby. (I offered to help her with her resume so that she could obtain a better paying job.)

Essentially, I am afraid of provoking her. Whenever I try to take space, she will be very emotionally reactive.

Like when I tried to tell her to focus on our own paths... .she showed up at my work with a parenting plan and humiliated me. She wouldn't stop calling or texting me. She kept telling me it was my fault, and that Im a paying sperm donor.

After I called the police... .she tried to collude with her ex-husband to destroy my reputation. Sending me mass baby emails, and signing me up for gay websites.

When she was pregnant she kept telling me to push her down the stairs, and that she was going to take a lot of pills because I wanted her to give it up.

Those kinds of things. Whenever I mention this kind of stuff to people, they say that I'm right to be afraid.

I guess she has been less abusive lately. She knows I am in therapy, and that everyone in my life dislikes her and she knows that if she has another slip up... .that it will make her look bad in a custody battle, and she doesn't want to lose me.

I told her I didn't want to be intimate anymore, but she didn't keep her hands off of me.

I have a hard time saying no to her, because of my fear of upsetting her or triggering bizarre behavior and I feel like if I give in to what she wants, she will show me mercy as far as child support goes.

Honestly, since I've distanced myself she seems more needy/clingy than anything. She looks at me with sad eyes all the time, and always wants to see me. It puts a lot of pressure on me and I just want out of this situation.

[stoic83]

I believe in equal rights for men, women, and children and that nobody should be forced in to something, especially a lifelong responsibility that involves being subservient to a toxic and abusive individual.

I think it's awfully hard for a woman to imagine being in my shoes... .

To be fair, I think an awful lot of women are forced into lifelong responsibilities that include being subservient to toxic, abusive individuals. And an awful lot of children are born into toxic, abusive situations that they didn't choose.

This is not a gender issue, and I don't think that anyone has been trying to make it one. People are just trying to encourage you to break yourself out of negative thought patterns that are only leading you deeper into depression and anxiety. You're in a painful, negative place, and there can be no hope of progress or healing while you're there.

To me, it sounds like this is what is truly causing you such pain:

I think it's of better use of my time, energy, and finances to find a well adjusted woman in which to have a "family unit" to raise children in... .then to spend energy on these people.

I do not have unlimited time, money and energy to devote to this life, and I would prefer to spend it where I want. I do NOT make decisions out of fear, obligation, or guilt.

You have certain expectations of your life, and now you are confronted with the possibility that those expectations will not be met.

This is causing cognitive dissonance.

You will continue to suffer this cognitive dissonance until you either change your perspective/behavior or find a maladaptive coping mechanism.

Your username is Stoic. The Stoics taught that we can only achieve tranquility if we become emotionally unattached to expectations. We must learn to accept life as it comes, for the only thing in this world that is within our control is our perspective and actions. Expectations only lead to suffering.

If you want to find peace for yourself, you must accept that things are what they are, and go from there. You can't change what has happened. I know it seems very unfair. Life is not fair. All we can do is our best, given our circumstances and knowledge at any given time.

Gosh. That was really nicely written. I honestly couldn't have imagined a better response. Thank you.

I think accepting the situation will help. I really want to live in the moment again... .I have a lot of white noise in my head, and it's hard to feel the calm of simple things in life that I used to enjoy.

I guess that's what I really miss. Just enjoying simple things would be nice. I would like to find a different perspective and practice some cognitive reframing.

I think emotional distance from the situation with her helps me to gain perspective. I am definitely happier having nights to myself to reflect... .and have made some strides over the past month or two in regards to focusing on other things in my life that are positive.

Your words really speak to me. Thank you.

[HappyNihilist]

stoic, you do seem to be in a better place now, and that's wonderful. 

I think accepting the situation will help. I really want to live in the moment again... .I have a lot of white noise in my head, and it's hard to feel the calm of simple things in life that I used to enjoy.

I guess that's what I really miss. Just enjoying simple things would be nice. I would like to find a different perspective and practice some cognitive reframing.

I understand completely what you mean about "white noise" in your head. When a situation makes me scared, angry, overwhelmed, etc., I get that way, too. And I start to wonder if I'll ever feel like "me" again.

We have to remind ourselves that these feelings, this mental chaos, is temporary. We can either make it worse and prolong it by giving in to cognitive distortions -- or we can accept it, try to learn from it, and find our center in the storm.

I think emotional distance from the situation with her helps me to gain perspective. I am definitely happier having nights to myself to reflect... .and have made some strides over the past month or two in regards to focusing on other things in my life that are positive.

I'm very glad you've been feeling more positive, and that you're reflecting and gaining perspective.

You have a lot going for you. When we start looking for the positives, we often surprise ourselves by how many we discover.

Your words really speak to me. Thank you.

You're welcome.