Questions & Need Some Direction

[Hope0807]

He has no income so there are only 2 ways out of getting my name off the mortgage/home we shared.  1-We sell it   2-He allows it to go into foreclosure (I get stuck filing bankruptcy)

THE FACTS

1. We're both out, the home is now vacant

2. The ex is solely responsible for mortgage payments (according to my divorce doc. he signed)

3. Mortgage is paid thru Nov, but Dec and after that doesn't look good (he's claiming poverty and demanding I help pay mortgage.  I cannot and will not)

4. House was listed-ex Refuses to grant access to realtors we both signed on with in July (and realtors are trying to extend the listing agreement to make up for lost time with his nonsense…and I agree they have a right to)

5. I have a lawyer, he doesn't

6.  Had to reconnect with my lawyer regarding this refusal to cooperate with sale of home

THE QUESTIONS

1.  If he stops paying the mortgage, how long until the home goes into foreclosure?

2.  Can the home still be shown if the mortgage isn't paid?

3.  How long does it take for the bank to seize a home after foreclosure proceedings begin?

4.  How do I prepare for myself financially for a foreclosure?

5.  How do I prepare myself financially for a bankruptcy?

6.  At what point should I file for bankruptcy?

7.  Part of my divorce doc says if he doesn't comply with selling of the home he will be responsible for my legal fees---don't I have to dish out the fees first and let them try to get it from him later?

8.  He babbles in and out about switching realtors (has some kind of unfounded beef with the one we listed with)…so if he goes with another realtor doesn't he need my signature since I'm co-owner on the home, or no?

[Matt]

I'm not an expert on this - my wife tried something similar by just refusing to move out even after the judge told her to.  I think your lawyer should know what motion to file to ask the court to order the home to be sold - give you the authority to work with a realtor to get it sold.  That would be much better than foreclosure.

1 I think it could take a few months to go into foreclosure once he stops paying.

2 Yes, I think the home can be shown even if the mortgage isn't paid.

3 I think this depends on how you both act.  If you want to delay things, and you call the mortgage company, they may move slowly.  But if you do nothing, then in a few months they will sell it.

4 Talk to your lawyer about this, and also talk to the mortgage company.  They will have someone who can tell you your options.

5 A lawyer can tell you about bankruptcy - might be a different lawyer from the one who is handling your divorce.

6 I think you should ask about bankruptcy, to learn, but try to avoid it if you can.  Selling the house makes much more sense.

7 Ask your lawyer about this.  It may be possible to get the court to rule that he has to pay your lawyer directly - not reimburse you.

8 He probably needs your signature to change realtors.  Best would be to get the court to give you authority so you can make good decisions and get the house sold.

[maxen]

8.  He babbles in and out about switching realtors (has some kind of unfounded beef with the one we listed with)…so if he goes with another realtor doesn't he need my signature since I'm co-owner on the home, or no?

yes, he'll need your signature.

[/not a lawyer]

[ForeverDad]

Do you both have joint involvement in the listing, showing and selling?  You need to go back to court, seek possession, get authority to handle the sell process from start to finish.  And get the order to state now, up front, that if he doesn't sign for anything needed, then the judge will sign in his place.  For example, have him sign the paperwork in advance such as his Quit Claim Deed (if he is co-owner) and have the lawyer hold it in safekeeping so it will be available when the house is sold.

In essence, think ahead, anticipate his obstructions, delays, quibbles and non-responses and deal with them proactively before they hold up the sale process even more that it has already delayed.  Likely you will need to return to court to make your case that he is holding up the process and will continue to do so unless schedules and structures are in place to accomplish the original order.

Your dream court order: (Beware, I am not a lawyer!)

• Ex continues paying for the house-related expenses - mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc - until it is sold.



• Hope is awarded sole possession of the house for the purpose to enable the sale process.



• Ex may not enter the property or obstruct the sale process without the approval of the court.



• If Ex files motions with the court regarding the case, the sale process will meanwhile proceed unobstructed.



• Hope prepares house, shows or allows showing, schedules all appointments with the professionals and buyers involved.



• Ex will sign papers in advance, if paperwork available, and they will be held in safekeeping by lawyer.



• If ex does not sign promptly, then court will sign in his place.



• Any proceeds from the sale (such as marital equity) will have interim repair or sale prep expenses deducted first before being split as previously ordered.



• If the mortgage is not paid up to date at the time of the sale then any arrears will be deducted from Ex's portion of the proceeds.



• If the court has ordered or warded any monies to Hope from Ex that are still unpaid at the time of the sale then said monies will be deducted from Ex's portion of the proceeds.



• Ex will not obstruct or delay any step of the sale process or be held in Contempt of Court with Ex liable for all court fees and legal costs.

[livednlearned]

Are you dealing with a family law attorney or a real estate attorney?

I ended up with both. My family L was pretty candid and said she didn't have 100% confidence, so referred me to a colleague. He caught something that my L would've missed.

Real estate laws are complex and seem to be bit of a moving target, especially when it comes to foreclosures. If you have a family L only, maybe it would be worth consulting with a real estate L just to ask some questions?

[maxen]

Are you dealing with a family law attorney or a real estate attorney?

I ended up with both. My family L was pretty candid and said she didn't have 100% confidence, so referred me to a colleague. He caught something that my L would've missed.

my divorce L stated flatly that "i know what my job is" and will be recommending a r/e L for the house business.

[Hope0807]

You. Are. All. Awesome!  Livednlearned, family & criminal attorney but they seem pretty versed in multiple areas, so we'll see.  Yes, ForeverDad, that would be a dream, but unfortunately I don't even want to pass the street, never mind have t enter the house again.  I just feel it would devastate my healing process.  But, I may have to suck it up if my lawyer moves for what's been mentioned here and suggests I take over the process.  I stepped away from involvement of showing and selling the house after my name was signed on the listing agreement in July and I moved out.  My divorce docs made it the ex's responsibility and the ex signed to it, so yes, "back to court" we go, is exactly what my lawyer said.  I'm sick over having to come up with legal fees I don't have.

I'm happy to hear that indeed the ex will most likely need my signature to sign on with another realtor.  I think I'll let my attorney tell him these things because I've been sick since engaging in the last email communication with my ex. 

UPDATE:

Today the ex sent a raging email to the realtor saying that the house is ready (must be shown as is and sell for xxx price…) and demanding that the listing/showing agent be replaced.  He sent a second, follow-up email to that saying that he wants a response from the realtor by noon today or he's going with another realtor.  All I do is shake my head!  I really, really, really, really want to know WHY it took so long (7 years) for my ex to show HOW bat-shat crazy he is?

Anyway, after those two insane emails the realtor wrote back one sentence…refusing to show that house.  I'm surprised this realtor clung in as long as he did.  I have no idea what to expect next, but I'm praying this lawyer will help guide me.  I can't stand this.

[Matt]

Those e-mails - since they are recent and pretty crazy - could be very helpful if your lawyer asks the judge to let you take over the process of selling the house.  Your lawyer should know how to go about that in the proper way - he might have to file a motion, ask for a hearing, etc.

[Hope0807]

Thanks, Matt.  Trust me, I'm saving everything.  I think I'm going to build a binder, print all this shat out…and save it all for posterity…or maybe just evidence of what the heck I've been through when I fall in love again with someone normal and they really want the details of my last l/t relationship.  Ugh!

Those e-mails - since they are recent and pretty crazy - could be very helpful if your lawyer asks the judge to let you take over the process of selling the house.  Your lawyer should know how to go about that in the proper way - he might have to file a motion, ask for a hearing, etc.

[livednlearned]

It might be helpful to read through coffeeshop's posts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=50946;sa=showPosts

It will give you an idea how high conflict spouses can be, and the kinds of things that can happen when it comes to selling houses.

Spend a few hours looking over the kinds of issues came up, and then be proactive with your L and make sure you get a very strong, tight motion with clear consequences. Your H won't comply, so you need to really focus on the consequences -- it took me a few years to figure that out. You don't want the judge deciding the consequences without your input, you want to make recommendations that reflect reasonable problem-solving oriented thinking.

[Matt]

It might be helpful to read through coffeeshop's posts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=50946;sa=showPosts

It will give you an idea how high conflict spouses can be, and the kinds of things that can happen when it comes to selling houses.

Spend a few hours looking over the kinds of issues came up, and then be proactive with your L and make sure you get a very strong, tight motion with clear consequences. Your H won't comply, so you need to really focus on the consequences -- it took me a few years to figure that out. You don't want the judge deciding the consequences without your input, you want to make recommendations that reflect reasonable problem-solving oriented thinking.

LnL, do you mean "consequences" as in "punishment"?

Or "consequences" as in "a path forward if this one doesn't happen"?

[livednlearned]

It might be helpful to read through coffeeshop's posts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=50946;sa=showPosts

It will give you an idea how high conflict spouses can be, and the kinds of things that can happen when it comes to selling houses.

Spend a few hours looking over the kinds of issues came up, and then be proactive with your L and make sure you get a very strong, tight motion with clear consequences. Your H won't comply, so you need to really focus on the consequences -- it took me a few years to figure that out. You don't want the judge deciding the consequences without your input, you want to make recommendations that reflect reasonable problem-solving oriented thinking.

LnL, do you mean "consequences" as in "punishment"?

Or "consequences" as in "a path forward if this one doesn't happen"?

Consequences, as in "if the party does not do xyz to or for the home within this many days, the other party has sole authority to do abc." Or, "if the party does not comply with the existing order and this issue comes before the court for non-compliance, the offending party must pay legal fees."

You have to work it out with your L what's reasonable. And lower your expectations -- consequences don't mean that the BPD sufferer will comply. It just documents for the court that the high-conflict person agreed to an agreeable outcome, and then did not follow through. And it gives the judge a clear direction when making a decision. Instead of saying, "Let's give this person another chance since the real estate market is to tough right now." Which is what my judge did.

N/BPDx got three bites from the apple before the judge summoned the bailiff to handcuff N/BPD for not refinancing the home. I had to pay my lawyer for four hearings total just to give my ex the home, plus hire a real estate attorney. To. Give. My. Ex. The. House. Gah!

What happened in my case is that my real estate L discovered that N/BPDx's refi proposal did not include the home equity which was with a different bank -- that would've left me exposed with $30K in a home equity loan with no home. And guess who racked up $30K in home equity debt? N/BPDx. Then N/BPDx tried to make the argument that by bringing that issue up, the refi offer was no longer valid, and he lost the deal. But he didn't respond to me or my real estate L for 2 weeks, and we had no idea what was going on. And then N/BPDx had to get a new proposal going after killing the home equity off and bundling it into the mortgage. By the time he went after a new refi, he could not get the same rate as before, and he tried to make the argument that over the life of the loan, MY actions and my real estate L's meddling meant he did not have to pay me alimony or child support. WTH?

This all took place 18 MONTHS after the deadline to refinance the house, which was supposed to take place within one year after the order was filed. It took almost 3 years to give L the house and cost me money! Even getting my legal fees paid (which is only ever a small portion) required two hearings. Which I had to pay my lawyer for!

You have to make your L understand that part of these motions is to document a pattern of non-compliance and obstruction, while making it clear whatever reasonable consequences you can think of. Anything that your H can obstruct, have some consequence that makes sense. I'm dating someone right now who is about to sell the home he owns with someone who is in the ballpark of BPD. He knows she is difficult, and his order says that if the offer price for the home is within 5%, he can be the sole decision maker since he is the only one who can afford the mortgage.

There are all kinds of reasonable things you can put in the order to try and stave off some of the pain that goes with BPD divorces. But you have to work with your L to come up with them, and read through threads like coffee shops to understand all the things that can possibly come up.

[Matt]

That sounds like a very good framework to move things forward.

Maybe there are ways to make it look equal, like "Mr. Hope should do X by January 15, 2015, and Ms. Hope should do Y by January 30.  If either party doesn't do what they are supposed to by the correct date, then the other party will have sole decision-making." - "if either party" not "If Mr. Hope doesn't do X".  That way it will be harder for his lawyer to object, since it goes for both parties.

(I did that on my divorce - a different issue, not the house - and it worked very well - my wife's lawyer tried to object but came up with no good reason.)

[livednlearned]

Maybe there are ways to make it look equal, like "Mr. Hope should do X by January 15, 2015, and Ms. Hope should do Y by January 30.  If either party doesn't do what they are supposed to by the correct date, then the other party will have sole decision-making." - "if either party" not "If Mr. Hope doesn't do X".  That way it will be harder for his lawyer to object, since it goes for both parties.

I agree - make it apply to both parties if that's what makes sense. But in real estate offers, often there is one person who can afford the mortgage, and one who cannot, or one who is going to pick the appraiser, or whatever. Or both parties are supposed to agree on a realtor, but one of them keeps firing the realtor, or gets them so pissed off like in this thread. So wherever it makes sense, write it up so that both parties have a reasonable way to get past the obstruction if parties cannot agree, all the while knowing who the problem party is going to be.

Although I think there is also room here to stretch "reasonable" just in case the judge wants to find a middle ground, like they seem to like to do.

[Hope0807]

I hear what you are both saying Matt & LnL.  Thankfully, into my divorce/settlement doc, my L already already put the consequence of the ex being responsible for my legal fees if he does not pay the mortgage (and I believe do what needs to be done to let the home be sold) - so right now I do feel fairly confident that the ex feels at least a little pressured to get the mortgage paid and definitely move forward with the sale.  However, at the same time, the irrational obstruction really leaves nothing to feel confident in.  He's out of the house and you would think it would be a no-brainer for him to just hand over the key and let them do their job.  Nope.  The email he wrote today to the realtor was so stupid and scattered.  Then my ex called me multiple times from an unrecognizable number (I blocked his cell a while back…only email is open) and then texted me from the same number asking me when I'm available to sign papers with the new realtor.  Within an hour or so of the now-bounced realtor replying to this insanity that they will not be marketing the home, my ex has papers with another agent for me to sign…on a Friday night after business hours?  Yeah right.  My brain hurts just thinking of living in a PD brain for a minute.  BTW, my ex is without a doubt a BorderPath…leaning much, much, much more heavily toward ASPD/Psychopath.  So if you can imagine a Borderline on anabolic steroids, coke, & pain killers (yes, mine is) with a severe propensity to go against the grain at every turn, and finds disobeying authority as pure entertainment…that's what I'm dealing with.

If he signed on with a new realtor and had papers for me to sign he would have let me know about it earlier and would not have bothered with the insane emails earlier today…unless it was his intention all along to have the realtor remove himself from the equation.  I'm wondering if my ex thinks he'll be held less responsible for this obstruction since the realtor backed off.   

[downwhim]

Hope,

Take a breath, he is trying to intimidate you. Not sure where you live but I am a Realtor and this is how it goes. You both own the home, one cannot sell without the other and one cannot list without the others signature. One to buy two to sell.

By now your ex has pissed off the Realtor. Not sure about the agent his/her pull in the community but be careful. You do not want to get the reputation that your listing is a nightmare for any agent to sell. It devalues your home and I do not care what anyone says, it is true. Unfortunately, that may already be the case.

When I got divorced, I stayed in the home. I agreed to make it ready for showings, my ex had to pay the mortgage. I had three kids in and out at the time so not an easy feat.  He signed off that he would agree to list and put the property for sale and allow the Realtors their access and cooperate with them.

Real estate attorneys are different than divorce attorneys. If your attorney is not well versed in real estate then ask him if someone in his office that deals in this area can help. He should be instructing you about what happens when and if the mortgage does not get paid and how long it takes to go into foreclosure/or short sale. I am not sure of your equity etc. If you were my client in my state I could help more but I do not know that facts.

Make sure that your attorney protects your asset and that you do not back down from getting the cooperation you need to sell from your ex. He is using the house as control. I deal with this all the time. If you have equity in the home, fight for it... .

P.S. If no one is in the home it may need to be staged. It needs to look great to get top dollar and your ex needs to not be the contact person for showings/offers etc. if he cannot deal with Realtors trying to do their job and get it sold. As in any sales, having a client that is a nightmare to work with works against the goal... .

[livednlearned]

My ex did a similar thing. After months and months of delays and countless emails from my L, suddenly there was time pressure for me to meet with the mortgage broker and N/BPDx to sign papers. N/BPDx offered to come to my place   and I had to call the broker directly to say there was no way we could all meet in the same room, nothing without law enforcement present.

I ended up getting my real estate attorney at that point -- I highly recommend that you get someone who is expert in this. A firm that does a bit of this and a bit of that is going to be ok, but you're dealing with someone who is seriously disordered and it might go a long way to find an actual real estate lawyer who can think creatively to help you prevent worse things from happening. I didn't have to retain my real estate L, I just paid him after all the papers were signed.

BPD sufferers, whether on the ASPD side of PDs or not, tend to sabotage themselves during legal proceedings, and they'll take you down with them. Unless you have some kind of leverage that you can use, expect that your ex will make this as hard and difficult as it can be. If you don't have equity in the home, it might be worth talking to a real estate L about how you can cut your losses and prevent your ex from making this any worse than it is.

A word, too, about collecting legal fees. Often it is only a portion of your legal fees, at least where I live. And guess who has to file a motion to collect those legal fees? You. You'll have to pay a lawyer to collect lawyer fees. I've been awarded legal fees 4 times -- find out from the clerk of court how it works where you live, but here, it can take two hearings to get legal fees. The first time, the judge gives an extension, like 48 hours or a week. Then, at the next hearing, it's handcuffs.

And then, the money goes into a trust account with my L. I never see the money, it just goes straight to her. In one instance, that money sat there for over a year because N/BPDx appealed the ruling that had legal fees attached to it, so I had to wait until the appeal was dismissed before that money could go to my L.

Sometimes I think court just makes conflict more expensive for us, although the handcuffs did have an effect on N/BPDx and after years and learning some lessons along the way, I did manage to get full custody and my name is no longer on the deed. Hallelujah!

[maxen]

I think I'll let my attorney tell him these things because I've been sick since engaging in the last email communication with my ex.

 

you can send all communications through the attorney. that's what they're paid for. if you want to ask him if he thinks romo can play through his injuries, you can send that through the attorney.

UPDATE:

Today the ex sent a raging email to the realtor saying that the house is ready (must be shown as is and sell for xxx price…) and demanding that the listing/showing agent be replaced.  He sent a second, follow-up email to that saying that he wants a response from the realtor by noon today or he's going with another realtor.  All I do is shake my head!

good! it was a measure of my lawyer's worth, and my own recuperation, how we responded to a roughly similar scenario. about two months ago my L got and forwarded to me an email containing a broker's agreement that my w had drawn up for the sale of the house, completely without my knowledge. they were trying to separate the house from the division of assets; we weren't having it. anyway she sends this fully filled out broker's agreement, appraisal and all, needs my signature, i've had it for two weeks, if i don't sign and return it by end of the next day they'll apply for judicial intervention. i had in fact never seen it before. my L quite calmly said "you don't have to sign it; you don't have to use this broker; you don't have to agree to the sale the house." and i didn't panic! a year ago i might have folded at an ultimatum. and the house and the assets didn't get separated. 

as l'n'l said, pwBPD can sabotage themselves.

[Hope0807]

Thanks down whim,

Your reply was great.  Mere hours after he ranted to and then was dismissed by the realtor, he texted and called from a random number on Friday night asking me when I would be available to sign papers (coaxing me to believe that he already had an agreement drawn with a new realtor)... .but when I emailed him to send the papers needing my signature to my email address, he replied totally ignoring the issue of the house/new realtor/papers and insulted me about something totally disconnected.  I have no idea what he's doing now or next.  I'll be in touch with my lawyer after Christmas and see if he does have a real estate attorney available for consult. 

Thank you so much for pointing out that the reputation with this home is most likely tarnished.  I felt that was very much the going to be the case when I saw how quickly he became unreasonable with just the communications, never mind the showing and readying of the home.  Of course…the listing agent lives on the same block so I'm sure she will have nothing but negative feelings to share with anyone interested in hearing about that house.

There is no real equity in the home and if it sells without us needing to come to the table with money, it will be a godsend.  The uBPD/ASPDex has vacated and either tossed into a dumpster or moved into his new place thousands and thousands of dollars worth of shared purchases including but not limited to:  kitchen cookware, lawn furniture, living room & bedroom furniture, lawnmower, leaf blower, power tools etc.

Ultimately, I left the house in 3 days and took only what I absolutely needed and loved, and could fit into my new tiny condo.  I had no leftover money to pay for storage of items elsewhere. 

I never wanted to set foot on that property again.  Leaving and what took place in the house caused me much trauma.  According to my divorce docs, HE is responsible for getting the house sold.  I guess I'm going to have to be subject to these games, so I'm trying to breathe…I swear.   

Hope,

Take a breath, he is trying to intimidate you. Not sure where you live but I am a Realtor and this is how it goes. You both own the home, one cannot sell without the other and one cannot list without the others signature. One to buy two to sell.

By now your ex has pissed off the Realtor. Not sure about the agent his/her pull in the community but be careful. You do not want to get the reputation that your listing is a nightmare for any agent to sell. It devalues your home and I do not care what anyone says, it is true. Unfortunately, that may already be the case.

When I got divorced, I stayed in the home. I agreed to make it ready for showings, my ex had to pay the mortgage. I had three kids in and out at the time so not an easy feat.  He signed off that he would agree to list and put the property for sale and allow the Realtors their access and cooperate with them.

Real estate attorneys are different than divorce attorneys. If your attorney is not well versed in real estate then ask him if someone in his office that deals in this area can help. He should be instructing you about what happens when and if the mortgage does not get paid and how long it takes to go into foreclosure/or short sale. I am not sure of your equity etc. If you were my client in my state I could help more but I do not know that facts.

Make sure that your attorney protects your asset and that you do not back down from getting the cooperation you need to sell from your ex. He is using the house as control. I deal with this all the time. If you have equity in the home, fight for it... .

P.S. If no one is in the home it may need to be staged. It needs to look great to get top dollar and your ex needs to not be the contact person for showings/offers etc. if he cannot deal with Realtors trying to do their job and get it sold. As in any sales, having a client that is a nightmare to work with works against the goal... .

[Hope0807]

Wow!  I like the handcuffs.  But my ex is used to them and I feel like he'd just laugh. 

My ex did a similar thing. After months and months of delays and countless emails from my L, suddenly there was time pressure for me to meet with the mortgage broker and N/BPDx to sign papers. N/BPDx offered to come to my place   and I had to call the broker directly to say there was no way we could all meet in the same room, nothing without law enforcement present.

I ended up getting my real estate attorney at that point -- I highly recommend that you get someone who is expert in this. A firm that does a bit of this and a bit of that is going to be ok, but you're dealing with someone who is seriously disordered and it might go a long way to find an actual real estate lawyer who can think creatively to help you prevent worse things from happening. I didn't have to retain my real estate L, I just paid him after all the papers were signed.

BPD sufferers, whether on the ASPD side of PDs or not, tend to sabotage themselves during legal proceedings, and they'll take you down with them. Unless you have some kind of leverage that you can use, expect that your ex will make this as hard and difficult as it can be. If you don't have equity in the home, it might be worth talking to a real estate L about how you can cut your losses and prevent your ex from making this any worse than it is.

A word, too, about collecting legal fees. Often it is only a portion of your legal fees, at least where I live. And guess who has to file a motion to collect those legal fees? You. You'll have to pay a lawyer to collect lawyer fees. I've been awarded legal fees 4 times -- find out from the clerk of court how it works where you live, but here, it can take two hearings to get legal fees. The first time, the judge gives an extension, like 48 hours or a week. Then, at the next hearing, it's handcuffs.

And then, the money goes into a trust account with my L. I never see the money, it just goes straight to her. In one instance, that money sat there for over a year because N/BPDx appealed the ruling that had legal fees attached to it, so I had to wait until the appeal was dismissed before that money could go to my L.

Sometimes I think court just makes conflict more expensive for us, although the handcuffs did have an effect on N/BPDx and after years and learning some lessons along the way, I did manage to get full custody and my name is no longer on the deed. Hallelujah!

[Hope0807]

I like this.  Good stuff!  I'm praying hard for the sabotage stuff.  Believe it or not, this house issue is only one of the major major heartaches in this whole mess.  Well…you guys on here DO believe and get it…thank God!

I think I'll let my attorney tell him these things because I've been sick since engaging in the last email communication with my ex.

 

you can send all communications through the attorney. that's what they're paid for. if you want to ask him if he thinks romo can play through his injuries, you can send that through the attorney.

UPDATE:

Today the ex sent a raging email to the realtor saying that the house is ready (must be shown as is and sell for xxx price…) and demanding that the listing/showing agent be replaced.  He sent a second, follow-up email to that saying that he wants a response from the realtor by noon today or he's going with another realtor.  All I do is shake my head!

good! it was a measure of my lawyer's worth, and my own recuperation, how we responded to a roughly similar scenario. about two months ago my L got and forwarded to me an email containing a broker's agreement that my w had drawn up for the sale of the house, completely without my knowledge. they were trying to separate the house from the division of assets; we weren't having it. anyway she sends this fully filled out broker's agreement, appraisal and all, needs my signature, i've had it for two weeks, if i don't sign and return it by end of the next day they'll apply for judicial intervention. i had in fact never seen it before. my L quite calmly said "you don't have to sign it; you don't have to use this broker; you don't have to agree to the sale the house." and i didn't panic! a year ago i might have folded at an ultimatum. and the house and the assets didn't get separated. 

as l'n'l said, pwBPD can sabotage themselves.