She dumped me – is she a BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey, this is my first post here. I don't know if I am posting in the correct category.

Anyway, I started seeing this girl in August. She had just left another RS, being dumped by her ex (at least that's what she claims).

She is beautiful, and she seemed very attracted to me as well. We met over the internet, having texted a lot (she was very intense in this respect). We had sex the first time we met, and I stayed with her for a month (long-distance RS). However, she got very intense in many ways... .Wanted to do a lot of things in a short time, and the less planning the better. We spend a great deal of money, and of course, it was always my money (her bank account was more or less empty). I was kind of suspicious with regard to the financial aspect of things, as she suggested that I would do half her apartment rent just after two weeks.

Days and weeks went, and she started to have more mood swings. She would often complain about physical stuff, which to me seemed negligible or even ridiculous. She was also very prone to criticism, and she cried from what she said was fear that I would start seeing a fitness girl (I like working out at the gym). I was so sad seeing her in this state. I loved her, like I still do.

It's almost been two months since she dumped me, and she started dating another guy just weeks after this. The way she dumped me, hurts still, because it goes to show she has been manipulating me (at least in the end of our RS). She wanted me to pay my part of the rent for October, because she needed money (she would pick me up at the airport). I thought "ok" and transferred the money to her bank account. She was very excited about us, until the day she got the money. She then sent me a "out of the blue" message saying she wasn't ready for a RS and stuff like that... .It was from there it all fell apart, and she not give me much attention, even when I visited her the last time.

I know for a fact she is in love with this other guy, and I suspect this has been the case for some time (also prior to her dumping me).

I don't know what to do about this – I love her. It's so hard. After having read a lot in the aftermath of this, I suspect she is a BPD. She is so cold toward me and doesn't seem to care at all. The fact that she was able to manipulate me like this, without any sort of remorse, blows my mind.

If she is BPD, what can I expect from her? Will she come back eventually?

[Tauriel]

Hey, this is my first post here. I don't know if I am posting in the correct category.

Anyway, I started seeing this girl in August. She had just left another RS, being dumped by her ex (at least that's what she claims).

She is beautiful, and she seemed very attracted to me as well. We met over the internet, having texted a lot (she was very intense in this respect). We had sex the first time we met, and I stayed with her for a month (long-distance RS). However, she got very intense in many ways... .Wanted to do a lot of things in a short time, and the less planning the better. We spend a great deal of money, and of course, it was always my money (her bank account was more or less empty). I was kind of suspicious with regard to the financial aspect of things, as she suggested that I would do half her apartment rent just after two weeks.

Days and weeks went, and she started to have more mood swings. She would often complain about physical stuff, which to me seemed negligible or even ridiculous. She was also very prone to criticism, and she cried from what she said was fear that I would start seeing a fitness girl (I like working out at the gym). I was so sad seeing her in this state. I loved her, like I still do.

It's almost been two months since she dumped me, and she started dating another guy just weeks after this. The way she dumped me, hurts still, because it goes to show she has been manipulating me (at least in the end of our RS). She wanted me to pay my part of the rent for October, because she needed money (she would pick me up at the airport). I thought "ok" and transferred the money to her bank account. She was very excited about us, until the day she got the money. She then sent me a "out of the blue" message saying she wasn't ready for a RS and stuff like that... .It was from there it all fell apart, and she not give me much attention, even when I visited her the last time.

I know for a fact she is in love with this other guy, and I suspect this has been the case for some time (also prior to her dumping me).

I don't know what to do about this – I love her. It's so hard. After having read a lot in the aftermath of this, I suspect she is a BPD. She is so cold toward me and doesn't seem to care at all. The fact that she was able to manipulate me like this, without any sort of remorse, blows my mind.

If she is BPD, what can I expect from her? Will she come back eventually?

[Tauriel]

Some ideas? Is this normal dumper behaviour or could it be BPD or something similar? Pls.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Tauriel,

I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time. 

Is this normal dumper behavior?   

I really do not know what normal dumping behavior is.  I do not think there is an "one size fits all" response/behavior with breaking up. 

Could it be BPD or something similar?

Days and weeks went, and she started to have more mood swings.

Although I cannot diagnose her or say for sure, mood swings (emotional dysregulation) are a common characteristic of pwBPD.  You can read more about the common characteristics in this article. BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

I don't know what to do about this – I love her.

I know it is hard to still love someone when they are acting cold and indifferent.   What do you think is best for you?  What are you trying to seek from her?  Closure? Reconnecting?

If she is BPD, what can I expect from her? Will she come back eventually?

A commonality amongst pwBPD is they eventually do return.  Although it is common, it is not guaranteed.  Similar to nons, pwBPD have different characteristics. 

[Tauriel]

Hi Tauriel,

I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time.  

Is this normal dumper behavior?    

I really do not know what normal dumping behavior is.  I do not think there is an "one size fits all" response/behavior with breaking up.  

Could it be BPD or something similar?

Days and weeks went, and she started to have more mood swings.

Although I cannot diagnose her or say for sure, mood swings (emotional dysregulation) are a common characteristic of pwBPD.  You can read more about the common characteristics in this article. BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

I don't know what to do about this – I love her.

I know it is hard to still love someone when they are acting cold and indifferent.   What do you think is best for you?  What are you trying to seek from her?  Closure? Reconnecting?

If she is BPD, what can I expect from her? Will she come back eventually?

A commonality amongst pwBPD is they eventually do return.  Although it is common, it is not guaranteed.  Similar to nons, pwBPD have different characteristics.  

Thank you so much for responding.

I think you're right about the dumping behavior. When it comes to her being BPD or not, I guess there are good reasons for believing so. It was like she put on a mask of seduction and adoration which she couldn't hold in the long run. The financial aspect is straightforward, she did use me. The sex was amazing... .She knew what I like sexually. But she would suddenly stop having sex with me, and this was harsh. If we ever argued, she would always withdraw when she realized she was wrong. Otherwise there would be an unpleasant atmosphere. She was not violent, but clearly passive-aggressive and sarcastic.

I don't know why I miss her. I miss the good times with her. I guess I have forced myself to believe that I am able to change her. No, I don't think her coming back would be good for me.  It's so hard... .

Merry Christmas

[EaglesJuju]

I don't know why I miss her. I miss the good times with her. I guess I have forced myself to believe that I am able to change her. No, I don't think her coming back would be good for me.  It's so hard... .

It is really hard.   .  I wanted to fix/help/change my bf.  I did everything I could think of to do so and disregarded my own needs. Eventually,  I learned that I cannot change anyone but, myself.  Have you thought putting your needs first? A great place to start is to read the lessons on the right side of this page. 

   

[Tauriel]

It is really hard.   .  I wanted to fix/help/change my bf.  I did everything I could think of to do so and disregarded my own needs. Eventually,  I learned that I cannot change anyone but, myself.  Have you thought putting your needs first? A great place to start is to read the lessons on the right side of this page.  

I was very fixed on her and her needs, because she craved sympathy. She had her tactics to make me feel sorry for her. It felt so real – maybe it was. But I don't think so.

I'm sorry about your bf. It must have been tough times. But you are still together, and it is a great relationship?

[EaglesJuju]

I'm sorry about your bf. It must have been tough times. But you are still together, and it is a great relationship?

Thank you.   It has not been easy. We are still together but, he is currently living 2,000 miles away from me.  The relationship is hard work, then again any relationship takes work.  The situation is not ideal but, I am taking this time to fix myself.  

[Tauriel]

Thank you.   It has not been easy. We are still together but, he is currently living 2,000 miles away from me.  The relationship is hard work, then again any relationship takes work.  The situation is not ideal but, I am taking this time to fix myself. 

I tried to analyze my bf's behavior and it just ended up driving me bananas  .  Instead of focusing on my bf's behavior, I started to focus on myself.  Honestly, enduring the struggles in my relationship helped me finally focus on myself for once. 

That's tough. Yes, every relationship is give and take – not easy, but BPD relationships take it to an extreme (favoring the BPD).

I'm glad you have come to realize that you need to focus on yourself. I'm sure he is grateful to all you have done for him, even though he has his periods, I guess. Hug back. 

[felix22]

     I had a short stint like that once, a few years back. It was one of the more difficult break-ups that I've had to deal with. It started me into seeing a counselor, which I recommend if you can do so. Anyhow, it was also a quick, intense, sexual, infatuation sort of thing. And, then she just dumped me, coldly, without emotion. Which was a sharp contrast to the gushes of emotion prior to that. It was very confusing and emotionally devastating. I stayed friends with her for over a year afterwards, which took much strength and effort. It helped me let go. In retrospect, after healing, I realized a few things.

     I realized that how she acted was truly cold. Also, I have read since then, that such fast moving behaviors are a red flag. Now I know to look out for that sort of thing. Time healed my wounds-with the help of counseling. And, I was left with the blatantly obvious awareness that she was a person not to be in a relationship with! She's fine to say hello to, or have a cup of coffee with. Not a person whose hands I want to put my heart into though. I lucked out that she left me. It was a blessing in disguise, for which I am thankful, still.

[Tauriel]

    I had a short stint like that once, a few years back. It was one of the more difficult break-ups that I've had to deal with. It started me into seeing a counselor, which I recommend if you can do so. Anyhow, it was also a quick, intense, sexual, infatuation sort of thing. And, then she just dumped me, coldly, without emotion. Which was a sharp contrast to the gushes of emotion prior to that. It was very confusing and emotionally devastating. I stayed friends with her for over a year afterwards, which took much strength and effort. It helped me let go. In retrospect, after healing, I realized a few things.

    I realized that how she acted was truly cold. Also, I have read since then, that such fast moving behaviors are a red flag. Now I know to look out for that sort of thing. Time healed my wounds-with the help of counseling. And, I was left with the blatantly obvious awareness that she was a person not to be in a relationship with! She's fine to say hello to, or have a cup of coffee with. Not a person whose hands I want to put my heart into though. I lucked out that she left me. It was a blessing in disguise, for which I am thankful, still.

Thanks for your helpful comment!

It's good to hear I'm not alone on this, even though I don't wish this for anyone (well, it depends).  Yes, it's rather mind-boggling how someone could do that. It's quite obvious that such a person doesn't care for the needs of others, at least not on an advanced level. Were your ex BPD, may I ask? I'm glad you're over her, and I am going to consider counseling. Couldn't hurt. In some sense she seems to be a nice person to hang out with, as you say, but that's it. I don't really want her next victim to suffer as much as I have... .However, if he cultivated their relationship before we ourselves split (which I suspect he did – well aware of me and her dating), then I really wish bad luck upon him... .

Merry Christmas

[felix22]

I'm not sure if she was wBPD, or not. I just think that she was someone who could be with anyone. Flavor of the month type, y'know? Kinda detached. Anyways, hang in there. Merry Christmas to you! Stay strong

[Tauriel]

I'm not sure if she was wBPD, or not. I just think that she was someone who could be with anyone. Flavor of the month type, y'know? Kinda detached. Anyways, hang in there. Merry Christmas to you! Stay strong

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. There is actually a name for it in psychology, and that's love addiction. My ex is already fu**ing this new guy, and she seems to be very proud of it. I guess she was doing him already before we split, when I was back in my hometown. It hurts so much.

[felix22]

Hang in there! Anti-depressants helped ease my pain also.

     I'm not sure if my current relationship situation... .(recently left behind, with the conditional opportunity of re-uniting if I fulfill her requirements)... .is in the same vein, or not. I have trust issues and have a difficult time believing my intuition with regards to infidelity. However, I had a strange sense that she maybe was sleeping, or had slept with someone, while we were still together. She was just acting really strange, in addition to her normal short-temper. She had this superior attitude, like she suddenly had this reason to be gloating, out of nowhere. What you said about her seeming proud, to be sleeping with this other guy, rang a chord with me.

     It does sound really painful, for you. Try to find a way to seperate from your emotions and focus on your experience, logically. What she has done to you, is just blatantly ___ty! You are really fortunate that this all became apparent before she continued with similar behavior over a longer period of time. Taking walks helps me to process stuff. Keep on keepin' on!

[felix22]

By the way the word I wrote that was blocked, meant 'crappy', with an sh. Nothing more. FYI

[Somewhere]

Q:  Will she come back eventually?

A:  Pray that she does not. 

You ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternal_Sunshine_of_the_Spotless_Mind

DO NOT be Jim Carrey.

[Tauriel]

Hang in there! Anti-depressants helped ease my pain also.

     I'm not sure if my current relationship situation... .(recently left behind, with the conditional opportunity of re-uniting if I fulfill her requirements)... .is in the same vein, or not. I have trust issues and have a difficult time believing my intuition with regards to infidelity. However, I had a strange sense that she maybe was sleeping, or had slept with someone, while we were still together. She was just acting really strange, in addition to her normal short-temper. She had this superior attitude, like she suddenly had this reason to be gloating, out of nowhere. What you said about her seeming proud, to be sleeping with this other guy, rang a chord with me.

     It does sound really painful, for you. Try to find a way to seperate from your emotions and focus on your experience, logically. What she has done to you, is just blatantly ___ty! You are really fortunate that this all became apparent before she continued with similar behavior over a longer period of time. Taking walks helps me to process stuff. Keep on keepin' on!

Hey!

Yes, I was on Zoloft for a period (100 mg), however I stopped. Your situation might be somewhat similar, yes. But she is more direct than "mine". My ex just said there were chances of something in the future, didn't blame my in words. She's just treated me like crap.

Thanks. I'm trying to get over her. I have never been in such a situation earlier, so it's an novel experience. An emotional roller-coaster for sure.

[Tauriel]

Q:  Will she come back eventually?

A: Pray that she does not.  



You ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternal_Sunshine_of_the_Spotless_Mind

DO NOT be Jim Carrey.

I guess you didn't mean it literally, but I have prayed God for punishing her.  It's ambivalent, because I don't want her to have a miserable life. But she deserves a karma b___slap.

I did not see the movie you referred to. I will consider it.