The genie is out of the bottle

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So not knowing this site existed to recently... .I'm glad to know I'm not alone and it helps to know many have made the same mistakes in dealing with BPD partner.  We are gay and have been together for 5 years and actually got engaged thinking that would bring him greater security but it has not changed anything.  He has exhibited all the stuff I have read, anger, high and low, destructive sexual behaviors, pedestal placement and the demonization and more.

I'm a patient person but it got so bad that I finally said couple therapy or I'm done.  I had been doing many of the techniques shared on this site not even knowing what I was dealing with.  We had been to therapy once before but he refused to go back as the therapist started to get to the difficult times he had in childhood (sex abuse, emotional detached parents, abondonment text)... .it was to raw.  I let it slide and in retro spec should have made us continue to go.  So we go back to the same therapist and we kinda of pick up where we left off.

I should have cancelled the morning of the session as I could tell he was not in the right "mood" or state of mind.  The session starts slowly but I share my thoughts on what has transpired in the year since we last saw him.  I share that I "made him come back" after a ___ed up sexual incident that I was deeply hurt by and the occasional physical hitting that occurs when we are drinking.  There had been 4 incidents of hitting over the last several years and they come out of no where.  I'm never hurt or scared but I'm always stunned as I never see it coming.  On each occasion, I remove myself from the situation and return home.  2 days later, when now removed from the emotion of the event, I share that this is not acceptable and I ask what caused him to need to hit me.  The answer is always, I play hit with my brothers all the time and I'm being sensitive.  I will then share, if it was play hitting I would not mind but this is angry and unexpected and it crosses boundaries that I have made clear "this is not ok".

The therapist starts to probe him about this and then the ":)eflection" self preservation mode kicks in and then he starts spewing bold face lies.  I sit there dumbfounded and am so speechless that I can't even speak however I knew he was feeling "attacked by me and the therapist" so the behavior was not all that surprising.  However we were supposed to be salvaging our relationship in a safe place and this is what he wants to spend time on?

When there is a break and the therapist turns to me, I share "I don't know how to respond, as what was just shared are complete untruths".  All I can think in my head is "he is sicker than I thought and he just validated that I'm not crazy".  We end the session and by the time we are both home, he knows he ___ed up and is trying to break the ice.  I share "I can't talk to you right now, as I'm still processing the lies you spewed".  It's not ok and I will talk when I'm ready.  The next morning, he tries to break the ice again and I'm ready to discuss.  I share with him, "I'm not sure I can get past this.  You completely made ___ up because you felt like "you looked bad" based on what I shared so you were going to turn the table in me." He proceeded to turn red and smirk.  That is the look, when he knows I'm right.  So I say, "by your look that you are giving me you know I'm right."  I then proceed to say "it's not ok, that you manipulated the entire session, rather than getting to some of the real issues".  He then shared he wants to start with a new therapist and I say no.

Over the course of the next several weeks, I made the painful decision to split, which he was completely devasted by and of course has been an angel since!  We own a house together so I made him move into the other room but we are essential living like we did, other than now I just walk away when he throws his fit!  Prior to splitting,I asked him to look at this site.  I told him that his background may have caused some road blocks for him and that I found this very informative.  Hours later I got a text, saying "please don't bring up mental illness ever again."

All his longtime friends and some of his family,not mine, have said move on, we don't know how you have dealt with this so long and you did so much more than his partner of 15 years.  They all believe there is something wrong and I did not share some if the stuff with them but they don't feel it's there job to push it, as we only have to "deal" with it occasionally!  I don't operate that way!

I wrote a factual but sincere letter last night, saying I want the best for him but that he needs to better understand some of his triggers and why different thing elicit such anger or strong responses.  I shared info from the website and asked him to "entertain" me by reviewing some of the information and then let's talk about it... .

I'm not sure where this will take me but I feel like I've done all I can and if he is not willing or capable if taking a step then I have done all that I can do! 

[Nealbert67]

So not knowing this site existed to recently... .I'm glad to know I'm not alone and it helps to know many have made the same mistakes in dealing with BPD partner.  We are gay and have been together for 5 years and actually got engaged thinking that would bring him greater security but it has not changed anything.  He has exhibited all the stuff I have read, anger, high and low, destructive sexual behaviors, pedestal placement and the demonization and more.

I'm a patient person but it got so bad that I finally said couple therapy or I'm done.  I had been doing many of the techniques shared on this site not even knowing what I was dealing with.  We had been to therapy once before but he refused to go back as the therapist started to get to the difficult times he had in childhood (sex abuse, emotional detached parents, abondonment text)... .it was to raw.  I let it slide and in retro spec should have made us continue to go.  So we go back to the same therapist and we kinda of pick up where we left off.

I should have cancelled the morning of the session as I could tell he was not in the right "mood" or state of mind.  The session starts slowly but I share my thoughts on what has transpired in the year since we last saw him.  I share that I "made him come back" after a ___ed up sexual incident that I was deeply hurt by and the occasional physical hitting that occurs when we are drinking.  There had been 4 incidents of hitting over the last several years and they come out of no where.  I'm never hurt or scared but I'm always stunned as I never see it coming.  On each occasion, I remove myself from the situation and return home.  2 days later, when now removed from the emotion of the event, I share that this is not acceptable and I ask what caused him to need to hit me.  The answer is always, I play hit with my brothers all the time and I'm being sensitive.  I will then share, if it was play hitting I would not mind but this is angry and unexpected and it crosses boundaries that I have made clear "this is not ok".

The therapist starts to probe him about this and then the ":)eflection" self preservation mode kicks in and then he starts spewing bold face lies.  I sit there dumbfounded and am so speechless that I can't even speak however I knew he was feeling "attacked by me and the therapist" so the behavior was not all that surprising.  However we were supposed to be salvaging our relationship in a safe place and this is what he wants to spend time on?

When there is a break and the therapist turns to me, I share "I don't know how to respond, as what was just shared are complete untruths".  All I can think in my head is "he is sicker than I thought and he just validated that I'm not crazy".  We end the session and by the time we are both home, he knows he ___ed up and is trying to break the ice.  I share "I can't talk to you right now, as I'm still processing the lies you spewed".  It's not ok and I will talk when I'm ready.  The next morning, he tries to break the ice again and I'm ready to discuss.  I share with him, "I'm not sure I can get past this.  You completely made ___ up because you felt like "you looked bad" based on what I shared so you were going to turn the table in me." He proceeded to turn red and smirk.  That is the look, when he knows I'm right.  So I say, "by your look that you are giving me you know I'm right."  I then proceed to say "it's not ok, that you manipulated the entire session, rather than getting to some of the real issues".  He then shared he wants to start with a new therapist and I say no.

Over the course of the next several weeks, I made the painful decision to split, which he was completely devasted by and of course has been an angel since!  We own a house together so I made him move into the other room but we are essential living like we did, other than now I just walk away when he throws his fit!  Prior to splitting,I asked him to look at this site.  I told him that his background may have caused some road blocks for him and that I found this very informative.  Hours later I got a text, saying "please don't bring up mental illness ever again."

All his longtime friends and some of his family,not mine, have said move on, we don't know how you have dealt with this so long and you did so much more than his partner of 15 years.  They all believe there is something wrong and I did not share some if the stuff with them but they don't feel it's there job to push it, as we only have to "deal" with it occasionally!  I don't operate that way!

I wrote a factual but sincere letter last night, saying I want the best for him but that he needs to better understand some of his triggers and why different thing elicit such anger or strong responses.  I shared info from the website and asked him to "entertain" me by reviewing some of the information and then let's talk about it... .

I'm not sure where this will take me but I feel like I've done all I can and if he is not willing or capable if taking a step then I have done all that I can do! 

[Tim300]

Based solely on what you've said, along with my experience of dating a pwBPD and afterwards reading a ton about BPD, it is probably best for both of you if you distance yourself.  Overt acknowledgements of mental illness like this should not be taken lightly -- who knows what will happen next.  It's heartbreaking, but it's the truth.  (It's so much easier for me to tell you this than to to tell it to myself!).

Also, regarding counseling: my BPDex and I tried that briefly.  My BPDex actually requested it.  The counseling seemed to only make things worse.  The counselor seemed to believe that my BPDex's behavior (and issues) were the major cause of our problems.  So my BPDex called the counselor after one of our sessions and b___ed her out, and said she should never return.  Also, when my BPDex had met with the counselor for a 1-on-1 session, the counselor must have inadvertently triggered bad past memories, because my BPDex was psychotic for a few hours following it.  Unfortunately, I believe these BPD traits are hardwired into their brains, and counseling isn't likely to do much to get them to understand how "off" their thinking is.  My BPDex was paranoid that the counselor was just trying to sabotage our relationship so that the counselor (or one of her relatives) could be with me.

[Nealbert67]

Thx Tim!  He stopped couples therapy twice as the therapist was "picking on him" and this was after he said previously that "he was the best".  He is trying to solve things through mediation now so he is on a high.  It won't last, as we all know and he will return to his usual self!

[draptemp]

Your account of your situation is almost identical to mine. My BF is a dBPDso and as soon as our therapist started hitting the core nerves, we only went w few times afterward. He had begun cognitive distortion therapy and DBT. We have been together  3.5 years and the last year has been the absolute worsse. He just told me 2 days ago " I might have plans for new years eve" we've spent the last 4 New Years together so the devastation to me seems much greater than it is to him and quite honestly, the damage to my self esteem and morale has hit an all time low. I feel your pains.

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, I think it's pretty common for a pwBPD to break off therapy as soon as the T starts to focus on the real issues.  My BPDxW went through many counselors, both in a couples context and in individual therapy.  Always the same pattern: at first the T is wonderful, but after a few visits the pwBPD comes up with some excuse to discontinue.  Funny thing is, I stayed with one of our couples counselors and transitioned to individual therapy w/him, which was helpful because by then he knew my SO.  LuckyJim