Painted black and scared what she will do next

[itgirl]

My BPDgf has completely painted me black.  She moved out of the house middle November and doesn't allow me to see my dogs.  We got them together.  She is doing this to punish me.  I found my special box where I keep all our letters and cards and she tore them all up.  I realize its is to hurt me. 

I have been very calm when I deal with her.  Always knowing the push/pull dynamic so I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our future relationship.  Realizing a week ago that she is not coming back anytime soon I wanted to start my healing process.  I went no contact to find myself.  To refuel so that I am not so into the FOG.  Hoping she will come to her senses and come back home.

She has texted me everyday and I haven't responded.  Only one word sentences when it came to "business" stuff like paying the bills.

Today she phoned me and I picked up.  She is a different person and like possessed.  She is calling me the most horrendous names which is very hurtful.

She is with her family and I think the smear campaign is about to begin as she is sending weird untruthful text to me which doesn't make sense. 

My question is how must I handle this situation?  If I don't answer it escalates.  When I answer and tell her that the names she is calling me is so bad she uses it even more.  She obviously now knows what triggers me.

Must I remain no contact till the dust settles or what can I do to try and stop her from making things worse with the "in-laws"

I am posting in the staying board as my hope was that she will come back to base and realize how out of proportion she is blowing things.

Now I am not so sure as she is saying things like if she sees me she will KILL ME.  I am very scared not for my safety right at this moment as she is away on holiday at her parents.  But when she returns in two weeks. 

How can I try and defuse the situation?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Now I am not so sure as she is saying things like if she sees me she will KILL ME.  I am very scared not for my safety right at this moment as she is away on holiday at her parents.  But when she returns in two weeks. 

How can I try and defuse the situation?

Wow... .Are you actually thinking she may be physically abusive or harmful to you when she returns home? If using Validation, S.E.T. and other communication tools in order to navigate your relationship with her to have it be non-violent isn't working for you to defuse the situation, then maybe you need to not be where she is when she comes back.

Seriously. If you are afraid for your safety, and using The Lessons doesn't work to make things less volatile, then physically removing yourself from her presence is next... .What happens when you try using communication techniques with her, itgirl?

[SlyQQ]

Been there unfortunately People with BPD can devolve into outright sociopathic states with regards to there ex in given circumstances I have no doubt your ex would gladly kill you as i had no doubt mine would have me . fortunately they are still ruled by logic an will not endanger themselves unneccasarily ( and you are definately un neccasary ) Once some one with BPD has gone this far in revealing there true selves it is unlikely they will believe ( even in the future when things are calmer ) you will ever be able to "forgive an forget" ( which to some extent is also going to be true ) It is quite likely she will derive some malicious joy in this state in torturing in what ways she can ( while keeping her hands clean ) you will have to have masochistic tendencies to expose yourself to this and the addictive nature of such relationships can result in a very damaging push pull scenario which she may well revel in. ( Ahter my ex left me she had a run in with her new boyfriend he rang me an said she tried to run me over i havn't slept for three days i think she is going to knife me i arranged for her brother to get her out of the house so he could turn up with the police an get his stuff out of the house. when she returned to the house after he left and discovered this she said to her brother " What a waste of money he will be back " A few weeks later he was! it is up to you to decice what to do I hope this helps

[maxsterling]

I agree with Rapt.  I say if you fear her, don't even bother with the tools.  Just stay away.  You are fearful for a reason.  Keep your phone handy.  Keep friends and people you can trust around you.  Be safe.

[itgirl]

Thanks for all the advice. Yesterday after I took the bait and engaged in the argument she raged. All over sms. I know I shouldn't have. After hours she had a moment of normal and started apologizing for her behavior and all the mistakes she made. I apologized and we broke amicable. She then sent me a msg late last night she misses me so much.

This morning she reverted back to hating me. Calling me such bad things and saying things she know will scar me deeply for years to come.

She is very angry.  And best of all is I didn't do any of the things she accused me off. It's all twisted reality in her head.

I'm too painted black to use SET or validation. BPD is a horrible disorder and it's breaking me bit by bit. 

I do fear for my safety. She has been physical abusive in the past.  I Feel that the disorder has won. I have to swift my mind set to leaving for good with no open door for a recycle. I poured my heart and sole into this relationship and she sees nothing but negative stuff.