What does "document everything" mean?

[ogopogodude]

I have a question to everybody here on the forums:

    What EXACTLY should one do when one is advised to "document" the BPD's behaviour?  I realize the whole point is simply to show a long term pattern of behaviour of that person. But really, ... .jotting things down like a school girl with entries into a diary?  How far can one go with this (as a protective device) ?  And who really is going to look at one's entries of documentation anyway?   You all know what my viewpoint is in terms of documentation (videotape, videotape, and oh, yeah ,. ... .videotape as well as keep all crazy texts, emailsl etc).  But I always wondered about simply documentation with a pen and paper (or a children's Hil-roy notebook or yes, ... a handbook diary bought at Staples). Will this even be useful at all?  I used to write things down but then I thought to myself  "this is really stupid"  ... .this isn't evidence... .this is just dumb.  Now emails, ... .ah... yes, ... .emails, and bizarre-content texts at the wee hours of the morning from your ex, ... now THAT is documentation.

What are your thoughts ?

[ForeverDad]

Here's an example from my last - and hopefully final - testimony in court.  I had submitted about 10 voice mails and phone exchanges for the court to hear.  They really made ex look bad and manipulative so of course her lawyer tried every maneuver to have them rejected by the court.  He claimed he never got copies in advance so the hearing was halted to the lawyers could go listen to them in the conference room.  Then he contested whether they were 'true' copies every time one was played for ex to be questioned about by my lawyer.  The judge said I would be recalled to the stand to verify that afterward.  So when I returned to the stand we had to play each one for the third time that day so I could stated it was a true copy not edited or modified in any way.  I also had to repeat the dates.  When I started referring to the file datestamps her lawyer objected and I was told I had to list the dates from memory.  It was hard then I remembered I had logged them in my 6"x9" weekly schedules - I have them all the way back to 2006 - so I asked to 'refresh my memory from my journals' and the magistrate accepted that.

Note that I did not try to enter my journals into the record as evidence, I didn't want my ex browsing them, I just referred to them and that was acceptable.

So one benefit of writing things down is that it can be accepted as your log, journal or diary and you are allowed to use them to refresh your memory.  It enables you to be specific about incidents and events.  The court is very likely to view vague statements such as "he always... ." or "she always... ." as hearsay and ignore them.  Use dates, times, locations, witnesses and other specifics and your account will be considered more credible.

The vast majority of documentation is never needed but you don't know in advance which items will be needed or crucial to your case.  So document, document, document.

[livednlearned]

Documentation of any form is helpful. For me:

Never used in court, but useful either as leverage during negotiations:

Phone to record: used mostly as a precaution when N/BPDx approached my car, especially if his demeanor seemed threatening.

Dictaphone: audio during the last few months of the marriage when there were lots of threats

Video: recorded him with my camera during drunk episodes.

Used in court:

Emails (N/BPDx to me, N/BPDx to S13, N/BPDx to my L, to the PC, and to the real estate L)

Text messages (from N/BPDx to S13, from N/BPDx to me)

Letter (N/BPDx sent to S13)

Used in deposition:

Emails

A deposition is probably the most powerful (and expensive) type of documentation. It basically documents the testimony of the pwBPD (as well as you, if you're deposed). I received a transcript of the deposition, and every single instance of every single word gets counted. So you can quickly scan and see what kind of language either party uses. Matt really helped me with this, actually. The opposing L kept referring to me as "confused" after my deposition. I was able to go back in and see that I kept referring to N/BPDx's behavior as "confusing." When I realized that, I made a decision to change the language to "abusive," or "disordered," or "dysregulated" so that the opposing L could not describe me as "confused." Also, I learned that the words "stonewalling" and "obstructing" were good alternatives that the court recognized and took seriously.

I also kept a journal in Google docs for several years and entered every event that seemed significant into Google calendar, including forwarding weird emails from N/BPDx directly to Google calendar so that they were attached to specific dates. And then I printed Google calendar out as an agenda and could see everything in chronological order. Extremely useful during preparation for my deposition. I had all my facts in order. I also gave my L a copy of this and she periodically used it in preparation for hearings. I also put dates of interactions with doctors, dentists, teachers, school support staff, and things that would help me track things that might come up in court.

I used the journal to look for patterns and when I read through it in one sitting, it helped me see that there were cycles and triggering events. Not that it mattered to anyone but me, but the journal helped me piece together the triggers that led to N/BPDx's worst psychotic episode.

Some people use Our Family Wizard to document, although I find it interesting that not that many people here rely on it. I think pwBPD quickly learn that it documents everything and they find ways to avoid using it.

Documentation that involves third-party professionals is also very useful. Like psychiatric evaluations, or testimony.

[david]

I have a video and an audio recorder whenever ex is near. I only communicate through email. That makes things easier for me. I have a record of every communication for the last 4 years since I only communicate through email.

I try calling the kids when they are with ex. I never get through because she hides the phone on them. I have my monthly phone records where I made x amount of calls each month and never got through. I also have every call ex made to the boys when they are with me and the minutes they spoke.

[Nope]

We documented everything. Yes, journal keeping and the whole nine yards. Every time she acted up during exchanges. Every time she made it even harder for him to get his parenting time by changing exchange locations. Every time he was denied a phone call with the kids. Every time she rushed the kids off the phone with him during the one mandated phone call a week she couldn't flat out deny him without going back to court (again) for contempt. Every time we saw evidence of neglect.

And then one day we got a GAL. And we broke down all of our concerns into a whole long write up for the GAL to read. We went back and put everything into categories and gave example after example. When the BPD mom lost all credibility because of all of the provable lies, and when we had evidence of so many problems, that was when DH started getting believed. Our write up was entered into evidence and the magistrate dealt with a whole bunch of issues that we didn't even have time to bring up in court simply based on her belief in the write up as a credible document. Is it tedious? Yup. Was it ultimately worth it? Absolutely.

[momtara]

Even things you can't use in court, your custody evaluator or other investigators may find useful.   I've always wondered about diaries, as anyone could make up a diary, but I've been told by many involved with the courts that it's helpful.  Some of these things at least give you confidence and peace of mind.  Really things on paper that show the behavior seem best - their emails and texts.  But if nothing else, tape record too.  You can have it transcribed if need be. 

[livednlearned]

In Splitting, Bill Eddy talks about a man's journal being used as evidence in court. It was used to counter his BPD wife's false allegations, and it helped him get custody.

[ogopogodude]

Thanks to all that replied.  I realize that I should have diarized everything from day one but it's kinda late now. 

[david]

I used to write everything down seven years ago. I got tired of it and went to email only communication. I rarely look back at some of the writings and early emails now. They startle me as to what kind of insanity I used to accept. My boundaries are much better and the insanity doesn't phase me anymore because I expect it.

The emails do help when I have to look at things to get my atty to understand my position on something. I will print some out and give to him and that usually is enough for him to get why I am doing/asking for whatever I am doing/asking for.

The emails also helped me figure out her thought process (only way I know to describe it). My ex has a limited range of behaviors or methods of behaviors. Having the emails helped me to see that several years ago. That helped me figure out how to respond to her in emails knowing what she would say or do.

[momtara]

never too late... .i think emails etc are better, but go ahead and diarize... .

[Iforget]

I don't think my L took my allegations against BPDex seriously till I showed her 3 years of a journal where I had written down weekly accounts of abuse in detail. After finding a tax return to prove the financial abuse she seemed to work more effectively for me.

[Panda39]

My SO communicates with his uBPDxw only via email.

He was able to use those emails to show his uBPDxw was neglectful.

Older daughter was pulled out of school by her mom against the advice of, school principal, school counselors and against the wishes of her dad to be home schooled via on-line school.  Her dad was able to document the daughter was not participating according to uBPDxw because... .laptop sent by the school didn't work, laptop didn't have the right cord, internet didn't work, she would sit with daughter while she did her school work to make sure she did it... .excuses, excuses, excuses... .daughter lost a whole year of school.  He was also able to document his offer to help set up the laptop, to get a new cord, his invitation for her to come over to his house use his laptop and internet.  He was even able to document uPBDxw's own sister invited daughter to her house to do school work.

Did the same with younger daughter who needed dental work. Emails documented younger daughter had a toothache, uBPDxw scheduled, and rescheduled, and scheduled, and rescheduled, didn't like the dentist, wanted a second opinion, rescheuled... .it took 3 months (with daughter in pain) to get her seen by the fancy high priced dentist/periodontist the uBPDxw just had to go to.  Again my SO was able to document her neglect and his trying to problem solve, he offered rides, gave her insurance information, made suggestions, complained that his daughter needed care and was in pain.  In court my SO was also able to document that she wrote a bad $1,400 check from a joint account she shared with older daughter for the fancy periodontist.

Combine stuff like that with the custody investigator saying the mother's house was disgusting it is no wonder that my SO has primary physical custody, has medical, dental and education decision making.

Whether you write it down, save emails, save text messages, or record interactions it is all useful.  Even if it's a pain keep it up you may never know when that one little piece of information might be helpful.

[livednlearned]

you may never know when that one little piece of information might be helpful.

This is so true. I have binders of email and a lot of documentation, but the one thing that really disturbed the judge was this letter N/BPDx sent to S13 last summer. The only thing contained in the letter was a star, the number 6, and an old book mark. It was like he reached into the sofa cushions and pulled out whatever he could find, then sent it to S13. My son's middle name is my last name, and on the outside of the letter, N/BPDx wrote "X" for my son's middle name. I almost didn't bring it up to my L or keep it because it was so strange and weird. I figured he was either drunk or psychotic or both when he sent it and it seemed like such a childish way to try and insult me, although it bothered me that he would use S13 like that. Still, nothing new there. But my L entered it as an exhibit and the judge actually took that piece of information and included it in his ruling. He also made it a point to mention in the ruling that N/BPDx uses a $ instead of the letter "s" in my name when he addresses me in emails or letter. Both of those two items are listed in our last custody order when visitation was terminated.