hello i have an ex with BPD and am in a terrible custody battle

[wallsunlimited]

hello i have an ex with BPD and we are in a heated custody battle. the lies of abuse and threats and distorted truth. unable to comprimise at all. its exhausting and am having a had time coping with this stress anymore in my life. help or advice  thanks

[ForeverDad]

First, take a deep breath.  You've found good peer support.  PArt of what we do is to have a listening ear but we also have a lot of composite experience with these sorts of issues, having gone though the fire in our own cases and survived, even prospered afterward.

Do you have a lawyer?  A capable one, not just a form filer and hand holder?

Do the children have a good therapist or counselor to aid them in handling the conflict?  The last thing the children should do, and the first thing the misbehaving parent wants, is to take sides.  Kids are too young to take sides since they're all too likely to pick the course of least pressure which is to appease the WWW.  (pressuring parent = Wicked Witch of the West)

What are some of the details you can share?  Approximate ages of the children, where you are in the divorce process if not already divorced, etc.  Has she been able to con the police or do they already realize what they're dealing with?  What issues need to be dealt with the soonest?

Frankly, you can't stop her from making allegations.  What you can do is live a relatively squeaky clean life, document your good behaviors and the ex's poor behaviors, never admit to guilt or wrongdoing to the police, CPS, court, etc.  What she is so desperately attempting is to make you look worse than her.  In time your ex will probably lose credibility.  That's the good news.  The bad news it can take years for them to reach that conclusion.  Meantime, weather the storms.

[momtara]

You will get good help here.  Many have been through what you are going through, and in the end have done well.  It know it is hard when you're in the thick of it.  It WILL get better.  But the things you do now will affect a lifetime - so don't give up or ask for too little or expect your ex to be kind just because you are.  :)on't let your ex wear you down or make you forget your original goals.  :)ocument everything.  Read "Splitting" by Bill Eddy.  Get therapy if you need it (courts don't look down on that) and don't lose your cool.  You can do this!

It has taken years for some on here to deal with this stuff because they didn't have the help or knowledge from this board.  The more you know about this disorder and the courts, the better you will do, and it will prevent problems later.  So take heart!

[livednlearned]

The worse part is the beginning when you're having to make sense of the court system (not easy) as well as BPD (even harder). But there is a way through, and momtara is right -- having access to the collective wisdom here will help you more than anything.

Document everything your ex does. Keep a log of things you do, record any exchanges, and read Splitting.

Do you have a lawyer you feel good about?

[Matt]

Some ideas for managing your stress while you work through this... .

Three sources for support:  family and close friends, who will support you and care for you, even if they don't understand what you're going through;  a professional, like a counselor, who can guide you through this;  and peers, like here.  If you can get all three sources of support going for you, it will help a lot.

My counselor suggested daily cardiovascular exercise, and that helped me a lot too.

He also suggested regular sleep - the same time every night - not too much or too little.

And be very aware of things that add stress in your life, and minimize your exposure to them.  For me it was TV news - the kind where they argue - I was listening to a lot of it while I did housework and it was adding stress, so I switched to music.  And anything that mellows you out, try to increase it - for me it was baseball - listening or watching games, or playing with my kids.  Sounds kind of obvious but if you just notice what adds stress and what reduces your stress, and make it a constant discipline to spend as much time as possible in places and with people and things that enhance your good feelings, it will help.

This is really important, because what you're going through could take a while, and you can't deal with it if you aren't OK.  High stress for a long time can take a huge toll if you don't learn to manage it well.

[ForeverDad]

Hi WallsUnlimited, we haven't heard from you since you first came here.  As much as we want to help, we can't unless you help us to help you. ( Did I say 'help' enough?  )  Can you give us some aspects of your worst issues and then we can see what focused peer support we can provide.  We're anxious to help... .

You posted just before the holidays.  Typically holidays are particularly triggering for disordered people, it brings out the worst, they wear their emotions, moods and perceptions on their sleeves, so to speak.  Now that the holidays are past, can you share more with us?

By the way, everything you wrote above, I faced, so did the others who responded here, so do so many of our other members.  You're most certainly not alone.  But we survived it, and so can you.  Just think, you will be a Survivor too, just give yourself time and seek out peer support.  We're here... .waiting... .